Ex-wife and mother of 2 kids left me for a co-worker and in serious relationship

[SingleDad82]

Tell your friends to stop sending you info on what she and her bf are doing. That isn't helping you.

 

Though the type of guy I am have never understood why people would be so interested in doing it, I've let them know just that.. "It's not helping, and I don't find it interesting"

[40somethingGuy]

This is my first post here, so first of all I'd like to say I am looking forward to talking with any of you who have experienced this.. I am going to do my best to explain my situation here.

 

My Ex wife and mother of my 2 kids left me unexpectedly about a year ago in November, much to my surprise, for a co-worker.I was your typically happily married man. I loved my wife, bent over backwards to make her happy. Worked the typical 40 hr work week and (since she was a nurse) spent the only free time I had left after the work week caring for our children, cooking, cleaning, and doing yard work. I felt like a prisoner.. but I was okay with it because it wasn't about my ultimate happiness. It was about my family.Once I caught her cheating the second time,(the first was an Emotional Affair involving only texts with a different guy, the second was physical) I simple gave the ultimatum that I would not compete for my own wife's affection and gave her the choice and she chose him. We subsequently divorced a short 6 months later. She has been in serious relationship with the guy she cheated on me with since the separation.

 

Since the separation, she has brought this guy around my kids and from what I can tell, it looks as though this relationship is the real deal to her, and rumors have circulated that there has even been talks of marriage.

 

I'm good with all of that.. Will it work out? I'd like to think likely it won't but what real value does it bring to my life to worry about such things? I'm not sure if it will or it won't, but I know no one deserves to be cheated on, and I certainly won't tolerate it.

 

What I struggle with, is that I want more than anything to have ZERO contact with her. But, the way our child care is setup I have to see her 2 days a week to drop off the kids so NC is difficult. It's gotten to the point that I am at peace with the relationship.. but I will not associate with it.

 

I don't speak to her when I drop them off and I certainly do not under any circumstances reach out to her throughout the week, for anything. I wish it wasn't this way, but it seems that every time she opens her mouth, it's just to rub her relationship in my face. A guy with the integrity of his.. no effect.

 

I've spent time focusing on myself, tried dating a bit, only to realize I'm no where near ready to commit my heart again after the trauma. Things are good, though I struggle at times with the bitterness of seeing her in such a "happy" relationship with this guy after the devastation she caused our family.

 

Either way, My biggest issue is how "okay" and non remorseful she's been throughout the whole thing. How can someone be so recklessly destructive with a smile on their face?

 

Anyways, to my question. How and in what ways have any of you dealt with a similar situation? I'd like to maximize NC to the fullest as I can having 2 kids with this person. And how, if ever, have any of you dealt with a situation of having to subject yourself to the other man/woman's presence at soccer games, "family" events, etc? If I had my choice, I'd just as soon cut her and her enablers (family) out of my life completely.. They certainly had no issues doing it to me once she introduced my replacement.

 

Thanks all!

I think the best option is to rub feces on both their car door handles. Maybe frame her to be cheating on him to help ruin her thing so she is left with nothing. She seems rotten to the core. Either way, the best way to make yourself truly happy is to do all you can to ruin her pathetic life.

[40somethingGuy]

It's going to be better for me in the long run, I know. But, I will admit I struggle constantly having to hear her tell me how happy she is with a guy she cheated on her husband with. People on social media sending me photos shes posted publicly of them together, etc. It's disgusting to me that she can be so proud of what she's done. I valued our marriage and the family we built together, to see me so easily discarded and removed from my home and my everyday life with my kids and it all given to a person like him infuriates me. I do my best to belly that feeling and just push through it, but it's still very upsetting.. There is nothing I would honestly enjoy more than to see that joke of a "relationship" go down in flames

 

#1- your ex sounds like a real gem...if dumpster rats are your thing. #2- she is a cheat and her bf is a home wrecker. One of them likely will screw the other over (your ex sounds like a serial cheater) once the honeymoon period ends and day to day lulls of life set in. Meanwhile, you can communicate your happiness by expressing how you finally rid yourself of her and how happy your life will be preserved. Focus on attracting WHAT YOU WANT and get it. You will then down the road get to rub your happiness with a good woman who loves you in her face as she likely wont be with the OM by then (one of them will cheat). Maybe also get STD tested since she sounds like the type to have had a lot of visitors in the past.

Edited October 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Mr. Lucky]

People on social media sending me photos shes posted publicly of them together, etc.

 

What kind of friends send you photos of your ex-wife?

 

Just as you're blocking all but the necessary interactions with her IRL, I'd do the same for them on social media...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mizunomead]

my wife left me for her ap partner. for a while she did the same thing to me.

however, i finally just started smiling and telling her congrats. im happy too now that i am free from being with a lyer and cheater.

i now have a wonderful gf. the last time i saw my ex she had put on at least 15lbs and wasnt looking too great. conversly ive been in the gym 3 times a week for the last yr and eating right. i am in the best shape of my life.

 

the best revenge is to live a happy full life with her not taking up head space

[Mr Blunt]

It is easy for two cheaters to be excited with each other the first year or two. Chances are very good that as the years go by the events in life will kill all that early excitement. In addition, the children will know that the mother’s betrayal of the family broke up the family and hurt their father. How will the OM react to having to support and help raise your children? If you are a good father the OM does not have a chance at getting the love from your children that you will get. If the OM does not treat your children correctly how will that affect your ex-wife? You will have to be patient and wait for several years to see how cheating pays off. It is pretty hard for two people to have a trusting relationship when they both know that they have betrayed their families. Trust is the foundation of a successful marriage.

 

 

 

You would do yourself a lot of good if you would use all the hurt and pain you have to motivate you and drive you to build yourself up to be a very self-sufficient man emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. If you do the right things for the next several years then you will not be bothered by your wife’s claim of how happy she is with her cheating partner… It seems strange that she tells you how happy she is with her cheater. My guess would be that she wants to hurt you or she is trying to convince you or herself of an exaggerated happy relationship.

 

The goal is for you to concentrate on you and your children and force yourself to forget about her. You future life and contentment is going to be what you do for the next years and your continued thoughts about her will damage your progress.

[Darren Steez]

 

the best revenge is to live a happy full life with her not taking up head space

 

This quote is often viewed as cliche but it's the truth. Also you shouldn't see it as revenge. Disconnect yourself from that train of thinking, i.e karma, revenge etc, they could be together for a long time, outwardly posting pictures with baby camels and cute kittens all the while you're burning inside wishing them the worst.

 

This is what detachment is for. Her loss, now you live your own life. The single best present she gave you was a chance to give yourself happiness guilt free. Not on anyone's terms but your own.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

People ask themselves when wronged, about the wrongdoer: "How can they sleep at night?" or some such question implying that awareness cannot be stifled and must lead to remorse.

 

The answer is, they sleep just fine. They don't think about you. They don't care. The qualities of personality which led them to screw you over, mean they are not inclined to worry about the needs of others, or bother how their actions affect you.

 

Realize this, and don't concern yourself with her blind selfishness.

[Cephalopod]

People ask themselves when wronged, about the wrongdoer: "How can they sleep at night?" or some such question implying that awareness cannot be stifled and must lead to remorse.

 

The answer is, they sleep just fine. They don't think about you. They don't care. The qualities of personality which led them to screw you over, mean they are not inclined to worry about the needs of others, or bother how their actions affect you.

 

Realize this, and don't concern yourself with her blind selfishness.

 

QFT

 

Divorce her and never look back. She's not good enough for you. That's why she has to convince herself that the OM is better than you.

[SingleDad82]

It's surprising to me just how out of her way she goes to talk about him. My youngest is home sick today.. My job does not allow me to take off work frequently to care for them when this happens.. She went out of her way to let me know the OM was caring for him today.. It pissed me the F off... but I didn't allow her to affect me with it.. I said "ok" and moved ahead. I can't help but be pissed off that this guy is caring for my sick kid.. but I guess I should get used to it.. wedding bells on the horizon and all... ::eye roll::

 

It's nice to see that she's moved right in to using him to her benefit, similarly to how I was as her husband, until she had no use for me anymore. She's doing a fine job grooming this one..

Edited November 1, 2016 by SingleDad82

[Cephalopod]

It's surprising to me just how out of her way she goes to talk about him. My youngest is home sick today.. My job does not allow me to take off work frequently to care for them when this happens.. She went out of her way to let me know the OM was caring for him today.. It pissed me the F off... but I didn't allow her to affect me with it.. I said "ok" and moved ahead. I can't help but be pissed off that this guy is caring for my sick kid.. but I guess I should get used to it.. wedding bells on the horizon and all... ::eye roll::

 

It's nice to see that she's moved right in to using him to her benefit, similarly to how I was as her husband, until she had no use for me anymore. She's doing a fine job grooming this one..

 

And after a few years she will tire of him and she will do the same thing to him.

 

You should count yourself lucky. As much as it hurts, she did you a favor by doing this fairly early on. As a result, you have not wasted too many good years of your life being used by her.

 

As long as he's being good to your kids, don't sweat it. He will never replace you as their father.

[stillafool]

Why isn't the OM at work instead of taking care of your child?

[summerdowling87]

I struggle constantly having to hear her tell me how happy she is with a guy she cheated on her husband with.

 

I know it sucks...However this maybe exactly what she wants.

 

Pretend that it doesn't effect you one bit.

 

Don't giver her or him the satisfaction in seeing you be down. Keep of being the bigger kinder person your kids will appreciate that.

-(Just don't be a doormat)- They'll appreciate that to

[Mr. Lucky]

She's doing a fine job grooming this one..

 

And will be similarly cold-hearted about kicking him to the curb if she thinks it benefits her.

 

In some ways, you're still fighting for the prize. Let it go, be glad everyday for your new life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, wasn't there a similar case of a guy whose wife was a nurse who ran off with some surgeon in the hospital where she worked. They had been married 6 years and she just left her husband high and dry and shackled up with the doctor guy. This was quite a recent case and the guy in question was thinking of moving out from that place to avoid being reminded constantly of his ex and how happy she was with her new beau. The fact is I get the feeling that nurses and medical types are high risk as partners for people in other professions. Because of the fact that these people work in close proximity and sometimes spend hours together work wise, the incidence of feelings developing between them are quite which. Apart from that some doctors are quite unscrupulous in taking advantage of staff of the opposite sex working for them and being players will try and seduce them aggressively.

 

In the OP's case I think his wife was flawed and had very poor boundaries. The OP has'nt clarified how long he was married but the fact that they had two kids indicates that they would hxve been married a number of years. A woman who can cheat so callously on the father of her children must be particularly evil. I guess the OP is well rid of her and he should make strenuous efforts now to find and settle down with a wholesome woman just to thumb his nose at his ex wife. Sad story!

[BrownHairedGuy]

Hi folks, wasn't there a similar case of a guy whose wife was a nurse who ran off with some surgeon in the hospital where she worked. They had been married 6 years and she just left her husband high and dry and shackled up with the doctor guy. This was quite a recent case and the guy in question was thinking of moving out from that place to avoid being reminded constantly of his ex and how happy she was with her new beau. The fact is I get the feeling that nurses and medical types are high risk as partners for people in other professions. Because of the fact that these people work in close proximity and sometimes spend hours together work wise, the incidence of feelings developing between them are quite which. Apart from that some doctors are quite unscrupulous in taking advantage of staff of the opposite sex working for them and being players will try and seduce them aggressively.

 

In the OP's case I think his wife was flawed and had very poor boundaries. The OP has'nt clarified how long he was married but the fact that they had two kids indicates that they would hxve been married a number of years. A woman who can cheat so callously on the father of her children must be particularly evil. I guess the OP is well rid of her and he should make strenuous efforts now to find and settle down with a wholesome woman just to thumb his nose at his ex wife. Sad story!

 

That was me. I agree with what you said. After everything happened I found out that my ex had cheated on almost every ex she's ever had. Her friend used these exact words - "she cheated on 5 or 6 of her ex boyfriends unapologetically". Anyone that can just leave their partner of X amount of years hurting and showing no remorse has significant problems that they can only begin to fix if they put the time and effort into wanting to change. Which most don't because they're too busy jumping around trying to always keep themselves happy.

 

My ex recently moved a little ways away into a different state. I found out earlier through the grapevine that the Dr got a job in that state so I assume she moved to stay close to him. This will be his third hospital in 3 years, which from what I've learned is pretty unusual. I've sometimes wondered who will tire of the other one first. But anyways I digress, people in medical professions are at high risk for affairs because they work closely together for hours in high stress emotional situations. Add to that environment people with no morals and selfishness and you get a recipe for affairs to happen.

[SingleDad82]

The OP has'nt clarified how long he was married..

 

I was married for 10 years, together for 14 altogether.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Do yourself a favor man. Try to cut off as much contact with her as possible, so you can work on yourself and get to the point where nothing she does bothers you anymore. I've had a lot of fun dating and meeting new people and enjoying life. Once you're ready I suggest you do the same, and find yourself a lady that loves and respects you. A better life awaits you my friend, good luck with everything!

[Cephalopod]

Yep go as dark as you can. Texts only. Stop meeting face to face.

 

If you have the ability, get into counseling and more specifically, if your insurance will cover it, get into counseling with a therapist who treats for PTSD.

 

Look into EDMR therapy. I have heard that does wonders.

 

If you are having problems sleeping, go to your doctor and be honest and up front with him on what is happening. Tell him you are having trouble sleeping, and that you might need a sleep aid.

 

Sleep, a good diet and exercise will help you get through this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yep go as dark as you can. Texts only. Stop meeting face to face.

 

If you have the ability, get into counseling and more specifically, if your insurance will cover it, get into counseling with a therapist who treats for PTSD.

 

Look into EDMR therapy. I have heard that does wonders.

 

If you are having problems sleeping, go to your doctor and be honest and up front with him on what is happening. Tell him you are having trouble sleeping, and that you might need a sleep aid.

 

Sleep, a good diet and exercise will help you get through this.

 

EMDR therapy DOES do wonders. It was like a MIRACLE to me.

[MJJean]

It's surprising to me just how out of her way she goes to talk about him. My youngest is home sick today.. My job does not allow me to take off work frequently to care for them when this happens.. She went out of her way to let me know the OM was caring for him today.. It pissed me the F off... but I didn't allow her to affect me with it.. I said "ok" and moved ahead. I can't help but be pissed off that this guy is caring for my sick kid.. but I guess I should get used to it.. wedding bells on the horizon and all... ::eye roll::

 

It's nice to see that she's moved right in to using him to her benefit, similarly to how I was as her husband, until she had no use for me anymore. She's doing a fine job grooming this one..

 

You seem very sensitive to this. Is it possible you are maybe a little over sensitive? Are you seeing her rubbing something in your face when she is really trying to keep you in the kids loop?

 

What I mean is, if she tells you they are a happy couple and that he is watching the sick kid today, you may be thinking she is taking a shot at you when she is really just trying to reassure you by letting you know that the kids are in a stable household and her SO is willing to help care for them.

 

She might actually be over sharing as a way of reassuring you to ease her guilt.

[Cephalopod]

You seem very sensitive to this. Is it possible you are maybe a little over sensitive? Are you seeing her rubbing something in your face when she is really trying to keep you in the kids loop?

 

What I mean is, if she tells you they are a happy couple and that he is watching the sick kid today, you may be thinking she is taking a shot at you when she is really just trying to reassure you by letting you know that the kids are in a stable household and her SO is willing to help care for them.

 

She might actually be over sharing as a way of reassuring you to ease her guilt.

 

But this doesn't work for most men. Would it work for a woman having her cheating STBXH telling her this...if the roles were reversed?

[Lion Heart]

But this doesn't work for most men. Would it work for a woman having her cheating STBXH telling her this...if the roles were reversed?

 

SD82 ofcourse the exWW is trying to hurt you.

She's going OUT OF HER WAY to hurt you.

 

And ofcourse you're hurt and may be for a long while yet, if you stay doing the SAME things.

 

SHAKE it up a REAL lot!

READ the 180 and IMPLEMENT.

 

I've read ALL of your thread and I'm curious about a few things I may have missed.

How long ago did she bail?

 

Are you still in the family home?

 

What's your progress with Divorce?

 

Have you completely CUT all financial ties with exWW?

 

Have you put everything in your name only?

 

Made a new Will?

I have and put my children as beneficiaries of everything.

Not to be dispersed until each child turns 30yo.

Lol. Indeed I told exWH that.

He gets nothing :-)).

 

Do everything you can to avoid being in exWW company at all.

Definitely texts only.

 

Lion Heart

[SingleDad82]

SD82 ofcourse the exWW is trying to hurt you.

She's going OUT OF HER WAY to hurt you.

 

And ofcourse you're hurt and may be for a long while yet, if you stay doing the SAME things.

 

SHAKE it up a REAL lot!

READ the 180 and IMPLEMENT.

 

I've read ALL of your thread and I'm curious about a few things I may have missed.

How long ago did she bail?

 

Are you still in the family home?

 

What's your progress with Divorce?

 

Have you completely CUT all financial ties with exWW?

 

Have you put everything in your name only?

 

Made a new Will?

I have and put my children as beneficiaries of everything.

Not to be dispersed until each child turns 30yo.

Lol. Indeed I told exWH that.

He gets nothing :-)).

 

Do everything you can to avoid being in exWW company at all.

Definitely texts only.

 

Lion Heart

 

We've been divorced since June. I actually left in Nobeber when I left town and had a friend bump into them at a restaurant while I was visiting a sick family member up north. She frequently told me she would never give up "her friends for me" and I was crazy.. I might add I caught her in an EA text type situation with another paramedic less than a year prior. She ended it when I caught her the first time. But it was the death rattle to the marriage I think. My trust had been violated and she made no attempt to own it as an EA.. it was "just flirting" to her.. that's when I realized we had very different definitions of the marriage and what was and wasn't acceptable.

 

Even after I left, for several months leading up to our divorce I fought to have her back.. as you all know this did nothing to help my situation. But I was raised to value and hold marriage sacred. I did everything I could to save my marriage, and all she did was constantly throw him in my face. I'm a fighter, but I'm not a doormat. Enough was enough, we divorced in June.

 

Everything is separate. I bought my own house, she's in the marital home (long story) but to answer your question the divorce is final and we are living separate lives. I spend 4-5 days a week at the gym, best shape of my life.. eating healthy and active in my church when I'm not being a Daddy when I have my boys. I'm happy and I know I dodged a bullet. Sometimes I think she assumes that because I fought so hard for her, I'll be waiting in the wings when and if this goes south.

 

She absolutely lost her mind when I started dating my last girlfriend. I still don't understand why. But, I'm at a place now that I know that she was poisonous and unimaginably selfish.

 

I've done ALL the things you've listed.. making my kids and older sister beneficiaries of everything.

[Marc878]

So from your post you should know serial cheaters never change.

 

My friend you lost a cheater and gained a life you just don't know it yet.

 

Congratulations are in order.