Why is it so difficult to get over an abusive borderline tendency relationship?

[PLT]

The most I've ever managed to go without contacting her is about 6 weeks. But this time I have to make it stick. Any normal person who gave the slightest damn about me would have replied to my message, if only to say something like "You take care too. I'm sorry it didn't work out for us. Bye". To just completely blank it is so totally incomprehensible to me. But hey, guess it works for her.

 

Looking back, she always did like to push then pull. Even before we got together, We'd go on a date, I'd say I like her and want a gf/bf situation, and whoosh. Wouldn't hear from her 4 or 5 months. Then out of the blue i'd get a text from her as though nothing had happened. It never bothered me at the time as I wasn't emotionally invested in her, but I remember thinking it was a bit odd. I guess I gave her the benefit of the doubt and just thought she was being cautious.

 

I just hope that if and when she next pulls I'm either completely over her, or am strong enough to send her packing.

 

I know I'm posting in a BPD thread, but I'm no doctor, I have no idea if she is actually BPD. I just know she exhibits plenty of the trademark signs. But then she exhibits signs of narcissism too. It often felt she cared more about others (some of them people she claims to not even like!) perception of her than she did about our relationship. As long as she appears as the one who has been wronged on facebook or to her here today gone tomorrow friends, it's all good. All about the "I'm a perfect little princess who wouldnt harm a fly" image.

 

So ****ing angry this evening. I'm going out with friends in about an hour but I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm just gonna have to try and fake it.

 

Happy weekend folks.

 

Oh and the black and white thinking. Yeah she is proud of the fact that she does this. Doesn't see anything wrong with it and actually thinks anyone who doesn't think like that is weird.

Edited November 12, 2016 by PLT

[NopeNah]

The most I've ever managed to go without contacting her is about 6 weeks. But this time I have to make it stick. Any normal person who gave the slightest damn about me would have replied to my message, if only to say something like "You take care too. I'm sorry it didn't work out for us. Bye". To just completely blank it is so totally incomprehensible to me. But hey, guess it works for her.

 

Looking back, she always did like to push then pull. Even before we got together, We'd go on a date, I'd say I like her and want a gf/bf situation, and whoosh. Wouldn't hear from her 4 or 5 months. Then out of the blue i'd get a text from her as though nothing had happened. It never bothered me at the time as I wasn't emotionally invested in her, but I remember thinking it was a bit odd. I guess I gave her the benefit of the doubt and just thought she was being cautious.

 

I just hope that if and when she next pulls I'm either completely over her, or am strong enough to send her packing.

 

I know I'm posting in a BPD thread, but I'm no doctor, I have no idea if she is actually BPD. I just know she exhibits plenty of the trademark signs. But then she exhibits signs of narcissism too. It often felt she cared more about others (some of them people she claims to not even like!) perception of her than she did about our relationship. As long as she appears as the one who has been wronged on facebook or to her here today gone tomorrow friends, it's all good. All about the "I'm a perfect little princess who wouldnt harm a fly" image.

 

So ****ing angry this evening. I'm going out with friends in about an hour but I'm really not looking forward to it. I'm just gonna have to try and fake it.

 

Happy weekend folks.

 

Oh and the black and white thinking. Yeah she is proud of the fact that she does this. Doesn't see anything wrong with it and actually thinks anyone who doesn't think like that is weird.

Go out and have a good,fun night out. Don't let her not responding to your msg get to you. It's who she is.. Go have fun!

[Downtown]

I know I'm posting in a BPD thread, but I'm no doctor, I have no idea if she is actually BPD. I just know she exhibits plenty of the trademark signs.

PLT, you don't have to be a psychologist or doctor to spot strong BPD or NPD traits. We all know what these behavioral traits look like because we all exhibit them to some degree. It therefore is not difficult to spot strong occurrences when you learn which behavioral traits are on the list. That part is easy.

 

What is hard is being able to diagnose the existence and cause of the full-blown disorder. No doctor on the planet can do a real diagnosis of BPD or any other PD. That would require professionals to identify its underlying cause, which is yet unproven. All discussions of BPD traits, then, are simply descriptions of behavioral symptoms. Those symptoms do not describe the traits or characteristics of the underlying disorder causing the symptoms. Hence, discussing BPD behavioral symptoms is not an attempt to diagnose the underlying disorder -- i.e., not in the way the term "diagnose" is used in every medical field.

 

Importantly, you don't go to a medical doctor to be told what symptoms you have. Instead, YOU tell the doctor all about your symptoms. Similarly, when you go to an auto repair shop, you don't go to be told about your car's symptoms. Rather, YOU tell the repairman what problems the car is exhibiting and he diagnoses the situation to tell you what is causing those symptoms to occur.

 

Hence, whereas diagnosing a cause is the province of professionals, describing and identifying symptoms is the province of laymen (i.e., the client seeking help). This is why, when a patient is unable to identify disease symptoms, that disease is said to be "asymptomatic," i.e., "without symptoms." By definition, then, symptoms are traits that laymen are able to spot -- without trying to diagnose anything.

 

Because psychologists are unable to actually diagnose the underlying cause of these personality disorders, they are forced to rely on a severe occurrence of the behavioral symptoms to infer the existence of some underlying (but unproven) disorder. Only a professional, then, can determine whether the strong BPD or NPD behaviors you see are sufficiently severe and persistent as to be called full-blown BPD or NPD.

 

Of course, you lack the professional training necessary to declare such behaviors "full blown." This does not imply, however, that you are unable to spot moderate to strong occurrences of these behaviors. On the contrary, you were able to spot behaviors such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and irrational jealousy by the time you entered high school.

 

I mention this to explain why you need not feel defensive about "posting in a BPD thread" even though you're "no doctor." None of us in this thread are psychologists. We therefore have restricted our discussion to what the strong BPD behaviors have looked like in our experiences. We are not trying to determine whether those strong behaviors are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the criteria for being considered evidence of a full-blown disorder.

Edited November 12, 2016 by Downtown

[Frozensushi]

The most I've ever managed to go without contacting her is about 6 weeks. But this time I have to make it stick. Any normal person who gave the slightest damn about me would have replied to my message, if only to say something like "You take care too. I'm sorry it didn't work out for us. Bye". To just completely blank it is so totally incomprehensible to me. But hey, guess it works for her.

 

Don't forget, she wasn't experiencing the same feelings and emotions that you were during the relationship. Love for someone with BPD is quite different than a non-BPDer. Once you are able to accept this, it will help you depersonalize your experience.

 

I agree, it's incomprehensible and hard to grasp. The last time I spoke to my Ex, she told me she had resented me for months and that I had been extremely judgmental since our first date, even though she went about the relationship as usual for a year. I was floored when she told me that.

 

So many deep and beautiful letters I sent my Ex during our breakups. Not one response. Then one day I'd get a "miss u" text right as I've started to move on and date again. That's the abandonment fear kicking in, nothing more. I won't be surprised if it happens to you as well PLT.

 

It's a vicious cycle. You have to break it for good. It's about survival now.

[aloneinaz]

I'm not trying to make you feel bad PLT, but.. Sending that "goodbye" letter was not necessary, needed or I'm sure appreciated by her. The bottom line, it was an attempt by you to get a reaction from her and maybe/hopefully, some validation that you meant something to her at one time. It's also holding you back and keeping you mired in rehashing a failed relationship.

 

If she does have strong BPD traits, it only made her feel further "smothered" by you. BPD's HATE to feel smothered and they do enjoy a challenge in a relationship. You're doing two no-no's there w/her.

 

 

You'd be miles ahead of the game to change your phone number. Delete hers. Stop trying to get her to engage w/you. Accept that you two didn't work out whether she had mental health issues or not. It didn't work.

 

What helped me escape my ex with BPD was to get pissed at myself and find my pride. Wasn't I WORTH more than this nut job was giving me. Did I really want to live day after day, month after month with someone so unstable? I KNEW I wasn't happy w/her at the end and I should of kicked her butt to the curb months before.

 

Change your number. Find your pride. Read the NC thread and VANISH from her life. Date when you're ready and find someone who's healthy enough to engage in a healthy, mutually beneficial and rewarding relationship.

[salparadise]

Don't forget, she wasn't experiencing the same feelings and emotions that you were during the relationship. Love for someone with BPD is quite different than a non-BPDer. Once you are able to accept this, it will help you depersonalize your experience.

 

I agree, it's incomprehensible and hard to grasp. The last time I spoke to my Ex, she told me she had resented me for months and that I had been extremely judgmental since our first date, even though she went about the relationship as usual for a year. I was floored when she told me that.

 

What helped me escape my ex with BPD was to get pissed at myself and find my pride. Wasn't I WORTH more than this nut job was giving me. Did I really want to live day after day, month after month with someone so unstable?

 

 

Two key concepts that PLT and everyone recovering from one of these needs to integrate.

 

Depersonalize. It's not about you, really. She doesn't hold the concept of other in the way normal people do. It is called enmeshment –– she sees you as an extension of her person, not as a separate individual. You are supposed to obey her thoughts, and your duty is to give whatever it takes to make her happy. You implicitly agreed to this by taking the role of caretaker and savior. So when she's not happy, whose fault is it? Certainly not hers!

 

So realizing the absurdity of this twisted reality allows you to quit taking it personally when she's angry as hell and calling you names, trying to make you feel like a complete failure. She expects you to engage. You're suppose to be on the ropes, struggling for something to hold onto when she makes you feel worthless. If you depersonalize, disengage and leave her to go through her splitting episode without even being able to get a reaction out of you... magic for you, absolute confusion for her. Crazy ain't workin' for her at that point and it's really the only trick she knows. You have the upper hand––you're in control.

 

Worthiness, pride, self-esteem, a sense of competency and value. These things are lost in these dysfunctional relationships. She has probably told you many times and in many ways how worthless and ineffective you are... and you believed it. This is a key component locking down the attachment. If you felt fully competent and worthy of being loved by any woman, not just this particular one who is exceptional in that she allows you to stay despite your unworthiness, then you might not be inclined subscribe to the program.

 

Bringing it into awareness is the first step. Once you realize she has taken away your sense of worthiness you can reclaim it. At first they use idolization to secure attachment, but later on in the devaluation phase it's the inverse. These extreme, black & white, all good-all bad way of seeing other and the world are uniquely hers and have nothing to you with you. You are a good person who is not perfect, worthy of respect and love like everyone else on the planet, so quit relying on her feeling of the moment for your own sense of value. You're the same good person all the time; it's not dependent on her mode.

 

Let her go through the spin cycle all by herself. Don't engage.

Edited November 13, 2016 by salparadise

[PLT]

Thanks all. It was an ok night but ended up crying my eyes out with friends, who were also crying their eyes out.

 

An attractive young woman approached me last night and I literally ran the other way. That's not like me at all!

 

I appreciate ALL the input, whether or not I like hearing it, but I'm really emotional today and just dont want to type.

[hurting1078]

Thanks all. It was an ok night but ended up crying my eyes out with friends, who were also crying their eyes out.

 

An attractive young woman approached me last night and I literally ran the other way. That's not like me at all!

 

I appreciate ALL the input, whether or not I like hearing it, but I'm really emotional today and just dont want to type.

 

I am with you today. I did the exact same thing last week, sending him a heartfelt message about how I wanted him to be happy and that I couldn't handle being platonic friends and couldn't understand why he could not respond after we had been so close. Not a word in reply and today he is posting pics with another girl on his instagram.. They justify everything. Even though they gave you every reason to be in the condition you're in, they take no responsibility. Whatever is easier or better for them in that second is all that exists. It is so incredibly painful to mean nothing after 5 years...after being told Over and over he'd never leave me.

[PLT]

It's come to a head. She responded in the coldest way I can imagine. Those 9 words brought into sharp focus the reality of her being.

 

I think because of the push / pull cycle that has gone on for almost 7 years now, I was just conditioned to think "She's just in one of her moods, she'll calm down and we'll talk about it".

 

I agree that my message to her was partially about getting some sort of validation. This is the last half decade of my life that I sunk wholeheartedly into the relationship, and I'm no spring chicken. In my head I was thinking "I need to know once and for all". Twisted logic I know, and painful to admit. Again I think this comes back to the constant cycle of push / pull. Bear in mind the last one was 3 months of complete radio silence. This time has now been 3 months also and I think a part of me was hoping she had calmed down by now.

 

All the times she has done this so far, with every time increasing in duration, its been over things I either have no control over or are trivial in the extreme. The first time, not including all what I wrote about the pre-relationship, was when my son bought me, himself, and my other son Secret Cinema Star Wars tickets, costumes, travel etc. It was expensive. It was for my birthday. She didnt talk or respond to me for 5 days because she wasn't given a ticket also. (I didnt even know about the damn tickets until they had already been bought!) She would have hated it, and would have ruined the day for all of us if she had gone. It just escalated from there.

 

She threatened me again with police action (for a few facebook messenger messages! There is a block button! Talk about wasting police time). My attitude is go for it. I'd love to stand up in public court in front of her family and detail all the abuse she has put me through.

 

She has indeed made me feel completely worthless, and no matter how many friends, family, counsellors and so on tell me I'm not. My brain believes her over everyone else and I don't know why. How on earth do you even start picking up the pieces of your broken self esteem, self worth, confidence after something like this? I've cried more tears for this woman than I did for my 12 year relationship with my ex wife. I've cried more in the past week than I have since the ghosting episode in February.

 

My counsellor is going to try and refer me to a mens group that deals solely with abuse by women to men. I think it would help greatly to be able to meet others in person who know exactly what's churning around inside.

Edited November 13, 2016 by PLT

[Sweetfish]

It's come to a head. She responded in the coldest way I can imagine. Those 9 words brought into sharp focus the reality of her being.

 

I think because of the push / pull cycle that has gone on for almost 7 years now, I was just conditioned to think "She's just in one of her moods, she'll calm down and we'll talk about it".

 

I agree that my message to her was partially about getting some sort of validation. This is the last half decade of my life that I sunk wholeheartedly into the relationship, and I'm no spring chicken. In my head I was thinking "I need to know once and for all". Twisted logic I know, and painful to admit. Again I think this comes back to the constant cycle of push / pull. Bear in mind the last one was 3 months of complete radio silence. This time has now been 3 months also and I think a part of me was hoping she had calmed down by now.

 

All the times she has done this so far, with every time increasing in duration, its been over things I either have no control over or are trivial in the extreme. The first time, not including all what I wrote about the pre-relationship, was when my son bought me, himself, and my other son Secret Cinema Star Wars tickets, costumes, travel etc. It was expensive. It was for my birthday. She didnt talk or respond to me for 5 days because she wasn't given a ticket also. (I didnt even know about the damn tickets until they had already been bought!) She would have hated it, and would have ruined the day for all of us if she had gone. It just escalated from there.

 

She threatened me again with police action (for a few facebook messenger messages! There is a block button! Talk about wasting police time). My attitude is go for it. I'd love to stand up in public court in front of her family and detail all the abuse she has put me through.

 

She has indeed made me feel completely worthless, and no matter how many friends, family, counsellors and so on tell me I'm not. My brain believes her over everyone else and I don't know why. How on earth do you even start picking up the pieces of your broken self esteem, self worth, confidence after something like this? I've cried more tears for this woman than I did for my 12 year relationship with my ex wife. I've cried more in the past week than I have since the ghosting episode in February.

 

My counsellor is going to try and refer me to a mens group that deals solely with abuse by women to men. I think it would help greatly to be able to meet others in person who know exactly what's churning around inside.

 

PLT... believe us when were saying the idolization is F-ing your head.

We warned you that once a BPD has you in the dark-side your finished.

 

You need to stop worrying about her and worry about you.

 

What you have is two broken people. You CANNOT FIX HER!

 

You need to FIX YOU!

[PLT]

PLT... believe us when were saying the idolization is F-ing your head.

We warned you that once a BPD has you in the dark-side your finished.

 

You need to stop worrying about her and worry about you.

 

What you have is two broken people. You CANNOT FIX HER!

 

You need to FIX YOU!

 

I think I finally realize this. I have been working on it. I've been in counselling for 8 months now, but obviously this ongoing saga has not helped. I have blocked and deleted her on everything and things that have been said in this thread, along with counselling has given me a few mantras to remind myself every time I start to drift.

 

She looked for my vulnerabilities over the first few years and then exploited them to the fullest.

 

One of the most upsetting and disgusting things is the lack of any semblence of justice. That she can now go and make a complete mess of someones elses life with impunity. She needs a health warning on her forehead. I'm not the first and I sure as hell won't be the last.

 

Mental and Psychological abuse is actually a crime in the UK. But I would imagine it is incredibly difficult to prove.

[Frozensushi]

I think I finally realize this.

 

GOOD! Now that the reality of the situation has sunken in, NC is the only way to go. NO CONTACT of any kind. Remove all instances of her from your life. Your emotional detachment is going to be very difficult, especially since she dumped you in the usual BPDer meaningless fashion. The lack of closure is what kept you hooked as none of it made any sense. PLT .. I was just where you are at. I know the hell you are going through.

 

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, NC and emotional detachment is not easy. You are gonna hurt badly for a while. Once you get through the rough patches you'll realize NC is the only way to go. Like me, you'll begin to realize how toxic and meaningless it all was. Thus, you won't gain any perspective if you remain too close to the relationship in any facet.

 

It's time to look inward and rebuild yourself. I have noticed a few character flaws about myself that I must have developed during my relationship with my BPD Ex. I'm working to correct them, it's not been easy. I'll share a few with you:

• apologizing all the time
  
• walking on eggshells around others (being afraid to offend friends and colleagues)
  
• being a doormat to other people (people pleasing, getting walked on by others)
  
• being super sensitive to people's moods
  
• feeling empty without the drama of my BPD relationship
  

 

I gained these habits as survival techniques to be able to maintain my toxic relationship with my BPD Ex. Now that some time has passed I'm horrified that I act like this with everyone. Now I understand what my family and close friends were saying. Now that I'm free from the binds of my Ex I'm free to get back the strong and self-confident person I was before entering the abyss.

 

In the first two months, I allowed myself to grieve. It was seriously like getting over a death. You are already doing this, which is healthy. Denying the pain will hinder your healing. Grief is the normal response to a loss. The one thing you can't do is allow the grief to pull you back into the relationship.

 

It's easy to forget all the abuse we experienced and only focus on the good parts. This is why I made a list of all the hurtful and abusive words and deeds my Ex inflicted upon me. Every time I start feeling sentimental and want to make contact or unblock her, I pull out that list and read it. I suddenly get pulled back into the quagmire of hell I had experienced with my BPD Ex. My sentimentality quickly changes to anger.

 

Another good tip is to try "thought stopping" anytime your Ex pops in your head. The first months after the breakup I was overwhelmed by constant nagging thoughts of my Ex. She followed me all day and haunted my dreams at night. So every time I would think about her, I would replace those thoughts and focus on something else. It actually works, just takes some practice.

 

Your main immediate goal is to go hardcore NC and stay there. Remove her from your day-to- day life, no longer think of her in terms of a relationship, take her out of your vision of the future, stop wondering what she is doing or how she's reacting to the breakup and start focusing on yourself. You're a mess right now, we all are/were after the nightmare we endured living in BPD hell. Surround yourself with positive people. Become active, start doing things that bring you joy. Post here whenever you are feeling vulnerable.

 

Walk away and never look back. You will see, in 3 - 4 months, everything will be different.

Edited November 13, 2016 by Frozensushi

[hurting1078]

I think I finally realize this. I have been working on it. I've been in counselling for 8 months now, but obviously this ongoing saga has not helped. I have blocked and deleted her on everything and things that have been said in this thread, along with counselling has given me a few mantras to remind myself every time I start to drift.

 

She looked for my vulnerabilities over the first few years and then exploited them to the fullest.

 

One of the most upsetting and disgusting things is the lack of any semblence of justice. That she can now go and make a complete mess of someones elses life with impunity. She needs a health warning on her forehead. I'm not the first and I sure as hell won't be the last.

 

Mental and Psychological abuse is actually a crime in the UK. But I would imagine it is incredibly difficult to prove.

 

What I'm doing: Every time I think about him I am doing something to better my self esteem- a work out, go for a walk, taking the time to make myself look nicer each day, and re reading my list of everything he did that hurt me. It's helping!

[TexasGuy12]

It's come to a head. She responded in the coldest way I can imagine. Those 9 words brought into sharp focus the reality of her being.

 

I think because of the push / pull cycle that has gone on for almost 7 years now, I was just conditioned to think "She's just in one of her moods, she'll calm down and we'll talk about it".

 

I agree that my message to her was partially about getting some sort of validation. This is the last half decade of my life that I sunk wholeheartedly into the relationship, and I'm no spring chicken. In my head I was thinking "I need to know once and for all". Twisted logic I know, and painful to admit. Again I think this comes back to the constant cycle of push / pull. Bear in mind the last one was 3 months of complete radio silence. This time has now been 3 months also and I think a part of me was hoping she had calmed down by now.

 

All the times she has done this so far, with every time increasing in duration, its been over things I either have no control over or are trivial in the extreme. The first time, not including all what I wrote about the pre-relationship, was when my son bought me, himself, and my other son Secret Cinema Star Wars tickets, costumes, travel etc. It was expensive. It was for my birthday. She didnt talk or respond to me for 5 days because she wasn't given a ticket also. (I didnt even know about the damn tickets until they had already been bought!) She would have hated it, and would have ruined the day for all of us if she had gone. It just escalated from there.

 

She threatened me again with police action (for a few facebook messenger messages! There is a block button! Talk about wasting police time). My attitude is go for it. I'd love to stand up in public court in front of her family and detail all the abuse she has put me through.

 

She has indeed made me feel completely worthless, and no matter how many friends, family, counsellors and so on tell me I'm not. My brain believes her over everyone else and I don't know why. How on earth do you even start picking up the pieces of your broken self esteem, self worth, confidence after something like this? I've cried more tears for this woman than I did for my 12 year relationship with my ex wife. I've cried more in the past week than I have since the ghosting episode in February.

 

My counsellor is going to try and refer me to a mens group that deals solely with abuse by women to men. I think it would help greatly to be able to meet others in person who know exactly what's churning around inside.

 

Every time you think about contacting her, or think that "maybe she's in her good mood when she loved me," remember how cold she was to you this time.

 

Remember everything that you did for her, everything that you put up with over the last 7 years of your life, and then think about how she just treated you.

 

Next time you think about contacting her, just remember that.

 

I can totally relate to what you're going through. I really can. And as someone else said above, the idolization period really ****s with you. It really does. That's why this is so hard. You have to understand that that person, as real as it seemed, it wasn't real. It was real in her warped mind. But it was an imaginary person. That person doesn't exist. You can't find her right now. And that's not your fault. It's a sickness that she has.

 

When I was in the midst of my really dark times during my break up, I didn't see a way out. I never imagined that I'd be relatively normal again anytime soon.

 

But this site and these threads have helped me so much. Let them help you too.

 

Us guys (and girls) in these BPD threads aren't here because we're looking to blame someone else for our relationship troubles or failures. We're here because there's a severely under the radar disorder that have catastrophic effects on relationships with people without the disorder. The reason this is so hard is because you're normal and I'm normal and our BPD exs were not.

 

Here's some things that have helped me:

 

- Go out and just experience other girls/women. I know that sounds simple, but you need to A) see that there are other options out there, and B) realize that there are NORMAL females out there. I hooked up with my second girl on Friday night after my relationship. This is a girl that I had only seen 3 times, we went back, had sex, had a night out. Guess what? SHE'S NORMAL. No drama. No making up sicknesses. No lying. No manipulating. You don't have to be looking for a relationship right now. You don't have to want a girlfriend. You don't have to be over your ex. But just go out and realize that there are lots of different people out there that offer different things.

 

- Understand that you CAN'T understand BPD behavior in any way that makes sense. I'm an analytical person and she meant a lot to me. I kept questioning WTF was going on. Reading other experiences JUST like mine helped me to realize that the reason it made me crazy was that SHE WAS CRAZY. It's okay to not understand. It's okay to not understand why someone that you care about so much can be so cold. Because it defies logic and common sense. It hurts knowing that you wasted time on that kind of a person but you only live once and you have your entire life ahead of you. Focus on bettering yourself, and then in your next relationship, you'll find someone who you can logically and rationally communicate with and understand, and even better, you'll know what red flags to look out for.

 

- I've had 3 periods of NC. The first was 14 days, then I sent a long-ass email. Then 45 days after that, and I sent a casual text trying to make conversation. Both times I got about as cold of response as you can. I'm now like 45 days in again. The first two times, I was obsessed with her social media. These last 45, I haven't looked once. I finally realized that looking at it made me feel like total ****. It made me want to contact her. I'm pretty hard headed, but eventually, I think I'm at the point where I just don't have any interest in feeling like **** because of her anymore. I don't want to know where she is or what she's doing or what she's thinking. So, I know it's SO SO SO SO much easier said than done. But just don't look at her social media or text her or contact her in anyway. Not because you're playing some game, but because nothing good can come out of it. And having gone through this, I firmly believe that we need to "touch the hot stove as BC would say" a few times before it finally gets through to us. So it's okay that you've broken NC a lot and it's okay that you've reached out. You're a good person and it's your inclination to try to make it work. Think about how cold she is, and realize that at this point in her current mindset, it's not working. You will not move on and better yourself if you keep contact. Again, I know it's easier said than done, but it helped me not to look at is as counting the days, but look at it as, okay, texting her this, or looking at this, will make me feel like ****...not happy...so why do it?

 

I can tell you're a really good person and you've been through a lot. However bad your day is, just know that you can always come back here and talk to us. PM me or anyone that has had a similar BPD experience. We're here to help

 

My relationship wasn't as long as yours, but it affected me very, very deeply and the worst weeks of my life were at the end of my relationship. I would just go and sit in the park by myself crying. It's been several months and I'm doing so much better than I ever could have expected. If someone would have said this to me, I would have said "yeah, but my situation is different." It's okay to think that, but also know that others have been to the darkest place, and we've come out of it, and believe it or not, have been better for it. It'll be okay!

[PLT]

Thank you so much everyone. This forum has been a life saver.

 

Sushi, You are so damn right. Those character traits I can see in myself. Always apologizing, always putting others happiness first, always being the peacemaker, and being super sensitive to other peoples moods. If she was in a bad mood, it immediately put me on the defensive as I knew that somehow it would be my fault. Eventually I was only happy when she was happy.

****. It's like a lightbulb has come on this morning. The list is a great idea. It'd be a bloody long list lol.

 

hurting, you are doing the right thing and I am going to start following your example. As of today, it's all about ME.

 

Texasguy, thank you so much. Your post makes so much sense. I think the message is now getting through that it's not me, its her. I need to stop trying to understand and thinking that I can help her by trying to get her to understand what she has done and just focus on the fact that she treated me so inhumanely. It doesn't matter why, and it doesn't matter whether or not she knows what she does. I guess it hurts so much because there is no remorse, no apologies, no taking of responsibility for her actions. It pains me that there is someone out there right now who has no idea what is in store for him, and I'm completely powerless to do anything about it. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.

 

Going out and meeting other women is something I've been trying to do. It's really hard because I feel like I'm being disloyal to my ex. How twisted is that? But I think it's time to be a little selfish. Forget about her and what shes doing and what bull she's telling people and just do whatever the hell i want.

 

She is deleted and blocked on everything. Thinking about it now, this whole recent episode started when I unblocked her about a month ago. Won't be doing that again.

 

How do you guys deal with the inevitable question of "So why did you break up with your ex?" Do you just say it didnt work out and leave it at that, or go into more detail? I think one of my problems is I'm TOO open with people.

Edited November 14, 2016 by PLT

[hurting1078]

Thank you so much everyone. This forum has been a life saver.

 

Sushi, You are so damn right. Those character traits I can see in myself. Always apologizing, always putting others happiness first, always being the peacemaker, and being super sensitive to other peoples moods. If she was in a bad mood, it immediately put me on the defensive as I knew that somehow it would be my fault. Eventually I was only happy when she was happy.

****. It's like a lightbulb has come on this morning. The list is a great idea. It'd be a bloody long list lol.

 

hurting, you are doing the right thing and I am going to start following your example. As of today, it's all about ME.

 

Texasguy, thank you so much. Your post makes so much sense. I think the message is now getting through that it's not me, its her. I need to stop trying to understand and thinking that I can help her by trying to get her to understand what she has done and just focus on the fact that she treated me so inhumanely. It doesn't matter why, and it doesn't matter whether or not she knows what she does. I guess it hurts so much because there is no remorse, no apologies, no taking of responsibility for her actions. It pains me that there is someone out there right now who has no idea what is in store for him, and I'm completely powerless to do anything about it. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.

 

Going out and meeting other women is something I've been trying to do. It's really hard because I feel like I'm being disloyal to my ex. How twisted is that? But I think it's time to be a little selfish. Forget about her and what shes doing and what bull she's telling people and just do whatever the hell i want.

 

She is deleted and blocked on everything. Thinking about it now, this whole recent episode started when I unblocked her about a month ago. Won't be doing that again.

 

How do you guys deal with the inevitable question of "So why did you break up with your ex?" Do you just say it didnt work out and leave it at that, or go into more detail? I think one of my problems is I'm TOO open with people.

 

Just say it was mutual and best to move on. Fake indifference thinking about how it's your best revenge. Keep thinking about how the ideas you reinforce and allow into your mind are your reality and your beliefs. Beliefs are only ideas you've repeated to yourself over and over again. You are obviously very intelligent very emotionally aware and very mature . Start repeating to yourself over and over I am worth more I am worth more . And know that I am right there with you doing the same thing and focusing on the times when he hurt me so deeply and didn't care . It's OK to get angry about those focus on that. we will both make it.

[elaine567]

How do you guys deal with the inevitable question of "So why did you break up with your ex?" Do you just say it didnt work out and leave it at that, or go into more detail? I think one of my problems is I'm TOO open with people.

 

There is not need to go into details as most people apart from gossip mongers maybe, do not need to know the details.

We (general we) have all been there, we tend to not want to hear other people's gory details, as they can be triggers for us.

We tend to want to forget our own disasters, and concentrate on happier times and happy stories.

If you have a close friend who is going through the same thing it MAY be helpful to bat off them, but if they are not too keen to speak about it, then leave them be.

Keep posting here as long as it helps you, we on LS are very used to analyzing all the details.

There will however come a time when you will have to let it all go, and NC does work.

 

BTW be aware of the white bear theory and watch this.

[PLT]

I've just seen my best mate who gave me a good ticking off about the messages and asked "Why the **** are you doing this to yourself? She's a ****ing psychopath. She's a ****. Let her lie in the bed she's made. **** her. You are worth 1000 of her. You have such a big heart but all it's doing is hurting you. See her for what she is."

 

Exactly what I needed to hear. I was just about to pop on here and re-read some posts as I was having a moment of weakness when the doorbell went. I'm lucky to have such great friends that really do care.

 

I'm now off to see Dr Strange with my son.

[aloneinaz]

PLT- Trust me, you're going to be fine. You ripped a scab off by unblocking her or viewing her social media a month ago. Lesson learned. Don't do that again. Delete her numbers and email too.

 

At this point in your life, WHO CARES why she's so cold, distant and being concerned about how she's acting now. She's dead to you now. She's you past. STOP giving her some much power. Who cares what SHE thinks. You know how miserable you were with her and my friend, she won't ever change.

 

I promise you will feel much better by staying NC. If you have the balls, round up all her pictures, items, gifts, reminders and pitch them in the garbage or give them to a close friend to keep away from you. Personally, I pitched everything my ex BPD gave me and deleted every text, emails, etc. I cleansed my home and it felt so much better when I was done.

 

Look at how well Texas is doing. He was were you were a couple of months ago. Now he's out having sex and enjoying female companionship. There's MILLIONS of normal women out there and you'll find one before you know it. It was instrumental to my recovery as well. I was dating 6-8 weeks after we finished. It was just what the doctor ordered.

 

Keep posting my friend. You're going to be be fine. NC, no looking at her pics, etc.

[DarrenB]

I've just seen my best mate who gave me a good ticking off about the messages and asked "Why the **** are you doing this to yourself? She's a ****ing psychopath. She's a ****. Let her lie in the bed she's made. **** her. You are worth 1000 of her. You have such a big heart but all it's doing is hurting you. See her for what she is."

 

Exactly what I needed to hear. I was just about to pop on here and re-read some posts as I was having a moment of weakness when the doorbell went. I'm lucky to have such great friends that really do care.

 

I'm now off to see Dr Strange with my son.

 

Have a great time and remember to order a large popcorn and slush.

[PLT]

Well I thought Dr Strange was awesome!

 

As I was walking into the cinema a couple of similar age to me were all touchy feely like me and the ex used to be, I thought I was going to start that downward spiral again as I felt a pang, that knot in the stomach started to tighten.

 

But no. 2 minutes later I'd forgotten about it, really enjoyed the film, had a good chat with my lad, and only remembered the couple just now. I can't remember the last time I could watch a film and not just be sat there thinking of her the whole time.

 

And as I got home I received my first ever Tinder hit lol. I only installed it today and it's taking me out of my comfort zone a bit but what the hell. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

Oh, I have a lot of pictures of her. I havent deleted them, but I havent looked at them in months. I keep thinking to at least put them in a seperate folder so I don't get blindsided by any of them but not yet. They are of good memories to be fair so I don't want to delete them.

 

By and large, today has been a good day

Edited November 14, 2016 by PLT

[ahall1701]

Yeah PLT, go have some fun.

 

A few days ago my ex's roommate father called me (roommates dad lol). I didn't recognize the number and I let it go to voicemail. Thank God. This is the second time her "friends" have tried to reach me. This guy said he wanted to talk to me and said that he was looking for work and thought I knew someone that could help him.

That's bull****.

 

People are so clueless. You daughter is a youth minister at your "church" and is perfectly content doing cocaine and mushrooms on the side while my ex was ok with her behavior so long as it wasn't around her. Just bad judgement. I feel like they're fishing for info and even if that's not the case I don't care. I never want to see or hear from those people ever again. These people have massive flaws. So no. Don't ever call me. That part of my life is OVER.

 

PLT, you WILL get to this point. The point of anger subsides and a better you comes to a head. You start to not give a damn and WANT to move forward. Toxic people will always drag you down if YOU let them. Abusive people DO NOT CHANGE!!!!!!! NEVER, EVER, EVER. She WILL continue this pattern of behavior.

 

What they're doing will never matter. It just doesn't. You'll see that with time, you're going to build yourself back up.

 

Pro tip.

10 out of 10 your ex never changes and 747's her life into the ground.

 

2nd Pro tip.

10 out of 10 your life has nowhere to go but up.

 

"I love this website" - ahall

[Frozensushi]

 

Pro tip.

10 out of 10 your ex never changes and 747's her life into the ground.

 

2nd Pro tip.

10 out of 10 your life has nowhere to go but up.

 

"I love this website" - ahall

 

This is a cold hard fact. Especially with BPDers. She's never going to change. She's going to bring the same abuse and torment to her next victim.

 

You're at rock bottom, now it's time to start crawling out of the pit of despair.

[Frozensushi]

At this point in your life, WHO CARES why she's so cold, distant and being concerned about how she's acting now. She's dead to you now. She's you past. STOP giving her some much power. Who cares what SHE thinks. You know how miserable you were with her and my friend, she won't ever change.

 

Great post az!

 

It's awful and it hurts. But just as az has pointed out, it's over. No more recycling. The faster your Ex becomes a stranger in your life, the faster you will be able to fully heal from the arduous and toxic existence you've been living. You are in a very tough spot. The pain, anxiety, nausea, insomnia etc is hard to deal with. Once you get through this rough patch you will begin to see the light once again.

 

I promise you will feel much better by staying NC. If you have the balls, round up all her pictures, items, gifts, reminders and pitch them in the garbage or give them to a close friend to keep away from you. Personally, I pitched everything my ex BPD gave me and deleted every text, emails, etc. I cleansed my home and it felt so much better when I was done.

 

I did all this as well. I packed up a box with all her stuff and the 2 gifts she gave me and had my mom bring it to her. I deleted most of the pics and put a few on a USB thumb drive and gave it to my mom to hold on to. E-mails, texts, cards all deleted. Pretty much got rid of any evidence she existed or that we had been a couple. I've seen a few people here say that is going overboard, I think they never dated someone with BPD.

 

No spying, no social media stalking, block her everywhere. No signing up on a dating site to see if she on it, lose her number and e-mail addy. Hell, change your number if possible, I did. No asking about her to mutual friends. This may sound extreme, but please believe me that it's very important.

 

Out of sight, out of mind. It's easier said than done, but you can do it. Don't let this person continue to hurt you any longer. Take your power back, be a man, stand up tall and walk away with your dignity. I was in a horrible state, I saw my life almost brought to ruin, but I survived. You will too. If I can do it, you can do it too.

 

Post here as much as you need. Getting it out of your system and talking to people is part of the healing.

[aloneinaz]

Frozen,

 

There's been a lot of posts over the years on whether you should keep mementos, gifts, pictures, emails or other things from a failed relationship. Whether it was toxic or the relationship just ran it's course and both agreed to end it.

 

I wavered on both sides of the argument. Ultimately, how often do we really look at old photo albums anymore? I have pictures of exes from the 80's and 90's. I can't tell you when I looked at them last. I have no desire too. It's not that I harbour bad feelings towards those exes, it's just that I don't see the need to relive those times by viewing those pictures.

 

My ex wife's pictures? I wouldn't care to see any of them the rest of my life. My BPD ex? Why keep anything from her to remind me of that hellish time in my life? I honestly hand NO PROBLEM throwing away all the gifts, cards, emails, texts and pictures. There's no reason for me to keep any of it.

 

As I've gotten older and accumulated more and more things or "stuff", I start to worry about someone having to go through it all when/if I died tomorrow. My mom passed a few years ago. She had boxes of nostalgic to her only things that meant nothing to us, her kids. Most of it was thrown away. I don't want someone to have to go through that exercise with my things!