Why is it so difficult to get over an abusive borderline tendency relationship?

[TexasGuy12]

Honestly, what I've found to be the best therapy to get over my BPD ex was to go hardcore NC. Block them on all social media. Deleted their email and phone number. Throw out/delete all pictures, gifts, cards, etc. If you can't, then put them all in a box and give to a family member or friend to keep.

 

Out of sight, out of mind was VERY KEY for me to move forward in getting over/past that relationship.

 

The second "therapy" for me was to get out and date again. I was dating 6-8 weeks after she ended us. Was it easy? Nope. Did it help, oh heck yes. Just spending time w/the opposite sex was good for my soul. Sitting at home, lonely and spending way too much time alone, thinking about the ex was not healthy for me. I dated a lot for the next few months and then met my now fiance about 4-5 months after the BPD ex and I ended. My fiance and I hit it off and it then developed naturally over the next couple of months into the relationship it's become.

 

Ironically, the BPD ex reappeared after 6 months wanting another chance and was told no. I'd already bought that ground too many times. The only thing I missed about her was the sex.. I didn't miss the other crap... at all.

 

It's been a few years since the crazy ex and I broke up. I saw her and her new husband the other day while the fiance and I were out. They passed in front of us making a turn. I hadn't seen her in years. My feelings? Nothing, nada, zip.. When I think about her after this many years, only the horror of her terrible behavior pops up. As they passed and I stared at her guy, my thoughts were "I wonder how much hell he's being put through and how much longer he'll stay"..

 

Folks remember this. She'll never change nor will your exes. It won't happen. They won't suddenly change and stay that sweet, kind, adoring gal who hooked up with the porn sex. It simply won't happen.

 

Feel like I did as she passed by in their car. Feel gratitude that you're away from that toxic relationship.

 

Just to expand on this. When you blocked her on everything and went complete NC, did you genuinely want to never hear from her again? Because I'm not at that point right now and if I'm honest with myself I never have been. Is it something that you forced yourself to do even if you wanted to hear from her? Is it something that you did because your desire to get better outweighed your desire to hear from her?

 

This girl has been an absolute detonator in my life but something deep inside me can't, for lack of a better term, paint her black. (Hah).

[PLT]

I totally appreciate what you're saying and I do understand it. Perhaps I have insecurities that I don't realize, but I personally, in my case, don't think that's what is giving me the the most trouble.

 

It's a combination of missing what I had during the mirroring/infatuation period, to not understanding how she can move on so quickly and not give a F*** when I cared so much, to ruminating about things I could have done differently.

 

Maybe in 6 months I'll realize what you're saying is correct. I certainly have my fair share of issues, I think we all do, but I don't think I have insecurities that are sparking this. I've had relationships before where I screwed up. It happens. But I've realized that I was in a relationship with a very mentally ill woman and the after effects are just reeking havoc on my emotions and I'm tired of it.

 

I think you and I are in a similar place my friend. Especially the part about them being able to move on so quickly and how giving them EVERYTHING of yourself ultimately means sweet FA to them.

 

The only way I have found to reconcile this is to remember that my ex doesn't think like the majority of human beings. She see's the world, and the people in it VERY differently to me. She sees people as objects to be used, and then discarded when they either no longer fulfil their purpose, or start seeing a bit too much of what is behind the mask. My ex's biggest fear was not losing me and what we had. It was being exposed for what she really is. Once she thought that I might possibly be able to expose her, she was done. Onto the next mug.

 

My ex doesn't view love and relationships the same way I do. She thinks it's all about her and the other persons needs, feelings, hopes, dreams, desires simply do not matter. At all. Love to her is just a word she uses to get what she wants. I asked her once "What does love actually mean to you. What do you think love is?" Her answer was predictable...."I don't know". Probably the most honest thing she's ever said to me.

 

It still hurts, I still miss her (or rather, who I believed she was) and I still feel intense sadness that what I genuinely thought would be the relationship I was in until the day I die was all just one big lie.

 

I still get pangs of guilt, regret, remorse, sorrow, and crushing loneliness where I sometimes think I would do literally ANYTHING to be back with her. The only way I've found that I can deal with these emotions is to ride them out, and don't act on them. They don't last forever. In fact the only feeling that stays through everything else is anger. In all honesty, I want her life to crash and burn and I want her to hurt like she hurt me. And I want to be there to watch it. The thing is, I don;t really hold grudges, so I know this will pass, and I don't beat myself up anymore for feeling like this. I've got a bloody good reason to feel this way. She treated me in some of the most inhumane ways possible, to then blame it on me.

 

I KNOW I'm a good person. I KNOW I'm a good dad. I KNOW I'm a good friend, and I KNOW that she hates that, as I have qualities she will NEVER have. It's why she "chose" me in the first place.

 

I hope you can find something in this ramble to relate to

 

EDIT: Also, there is NOTHING you could have done differently to change the outcome. Nothing. It was never in your hands. This realization has helped me a lot!

Edited December 20, 2016 by PLT

[PLT]

EDIT 2:

 

With the whole NC thing. I would do anything to hear her voice again. I have been so close, so many times, to jumping in my car and go knock on her door. BUT fear is what is driving me on in NC (10 days now. She hasn't responded in months). Fear because I know that if she came knocking on my door I would literally be putty in her hands, and I also know that the cycle would begin again. And I would be back to where I was in February, which is not a place I have any wish to revisit.

 

So I'm doing full on NC now out of fear. I just hope that she doesn't try and contact me until I am strong enough to tell her to go *** herself.

[Sweetfish]

I totally appreciate what you're saying and I do understand it. Perhaps I have insecurities that I don't realize, but I personally, in my case, don't think that's what is giving me the the most trouble.

 

It's a combination of missing what I had during the mirroring/infatuation period, to not understanding how she can move on so quickly and not give a F*** when I cared so much, to ruminating about things I could have done differently.

 

Maybe in 6 months I'll realize what you're saying is correct. I certainly have my fair share of issues, I think we all do, but I don't think I have insecurities that are sparking this. I've had relationships before where I screwed up. It happens. But I've realized that I was in a relationship with a very mentally ill woman and the after effects are just reeking havoc on my emotions and I'm tired of it.

 

 

The idolization is the catalyst. Its no different than when a woman is abused by her husband and she continues to go back to him. Its exactly the same thing. Its the initial validation that allows the abuse and love to co-exist.

 

What you need to consider is it really just her that is ill? You do realize some people with BPD do not become BPD until a relationship comes into affect. So even friends and family or the person them selves have no idea that they have a disorder. That's the problem with these high function disorders like BPD NPD and HPD. Depending on the individual the symptoms are literally undercover until a deep relationship is formed.

[TexasGuy12]

The idolization is the catalyst. Its no different than when a woman is abused by her husband and she continues to go back to him. Its exactly the same thing. Its the initial validation that allows the abuse and love to co-exist.

 

What you need to consider is it really just her that is ill? You do realize some people with BPD do not become BPD until a relationship comes into affect. So even friends and family or the person them selves have no idea that they have a disorder. That's the problem with these high function disorders like BPD NPD and HPD. Depending on the individual the symptoms are literally undercover until a deep relationship is formed.

 

Yeah, it really is like a drug. You overlook the negatives to want to go back.

 

As for your second point, again, I'm open to all options and thoughts as I'm really tired of this after starting my original thread in August, but to be perfectly honest, I don't think that's the case for me. I have many normal relationships and friendships with people both close and casually close. I haven't had any rough upbringings (thankfully). Close with my parents and grandparents.

 

My ex fits every possible criteria for being severe, extreme BPD. And then some. I've been a little light in my original thread explaining the issues because frankly it's a bit embarrassing. She's lied about having cancer, lied about needing money to pay for those bills, has had numerous husbands, changes cities, hair colors, etc.

 

My issue is getting from caring about her and wanting to help her, and thinking that the "real her" is the real person that she showed me and not the fake person that she exhibited - to the point where aloneinaz is at where he never wants her to wreak havoc on him again. I'm having a really hard time crossing that bridge, and getting over the emotional damage.

 

I was miserable in the latter part of our relationship due to her BPD tendencies that I didn't know were BPD yet. Had I not figured it out, and not realized all of her lies, I think I would have been better off, because I think I would have just hd the breakup to get over which would have sucked but everyone goes through it.

 

But now there's a feeling inside me of "I wish I would have known she was troubled because I actually like who she is deep inside and I would have helped her." I wish she didn't feel the need to lie and manipulate me.

 

She told me yesterday that she faked her cancer coming back a week after we met because "She didn't think I liked her enough and thought I'd like her more if she was sick." To a normal person reading this, that's the most insane thing you've ever read. I'm a smart guy. I'm successful, I run a business, I have lots of family and friends. And I fell for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

 

Not everyone goes through these kinds of BPD breakups, and there's a trauma, for me, associated with everything being a complete and total fabrication when I was living in a reality. There's a trauma with being duped, and there's a sick and twisted feeling in knowing that she really doesn't care about you at all.

 

I'm not trying to minimize "normal breakups" because we've all gone through them, including myself. My first love breakup brought me to this forum. They all suck. But this is inhumane and I'm having trouble hating her and not wanting her around me anymore, which I ultimately feel would be the best way for me to get on with life.

[TexasGuy12]

I think you and I are in a similar place my friend. Especially the part about them being able to move on so quickly and how giving them EVERYTHING of yourself ultimately means sweet FA to them.

 

The only way I have found to reconcile this is to remember that my ex doesn't think like the majority of human beings. She see's the world, and the people in it VERY differently to me. She sees people as objects to be used, and then discarded when they either no longer fulfil their purpose, or start seeing a bit too much of what is behind the mask. My ex's biggest fear was not losing me and what we had. It was being exposed for what she really is. Once she thought that I might possibly be able to expose her, she was done. Onto the next mug.

 

My ex doesn't view love and relationships the same way I do. She thinks it's all about her and the other persons needs, feelings, hopes, dreams, desires simply do not matter. At all. Love to her is just a word she uses to get what she wants. I asked her once "What does love actually mean to you. What do you think love is?" Her answer was predictable...."I don't know". Probably the most honest thing she's ever said to me.

 

It still hurts, I still miss her (or rather, who I believed she was) and I still feel intense sadness that what I genuinely thought would be the relationship I was in until the day I die was all just one big lie.

 

I still get pangs of guilt, regret, remorse, sorrow, and crushing loneliness where I sometimes think I would do literally ANYTHING to be back with her. The only way I've found that I can deal with these emotions is to ride them out, and don't act on them. They don't last forever. In fact the only feeling that stays through everything else is anger. In all honesty, I want her life to crash and burn and I want her to hurt like she hurt me. And I want to be there to watch it. The thing is, I don;t really hold grudges, so I know this will pass, and I don't beat myself up anymore for feeling like this. I've got a bloody good reason to feel this way. She treated me in some of the most inhumane ways possible, to then blame it on me.

 

I KNOW I'm a good person. I KNOW I'm a good dad. I KNOW I'm a good friend, and I KNOW that she hates that, as I have qualities she will NEVER have. It's why she "chose" me in the first place.

 

I hope you can find something in this ramble to relate to

 

EDIT: Also, there is NOTHING you could have done differently to change the outcome. Nothing. It was never in your hands. This realization has helped me a lot!

 

Thanks man - your words mean a lot to me. They really do. The point you made about relationships to her being all about her feelings is so accurate. It's like when you make them feel a certain way, they're all about it. And then do what they need to do for you and to you (gifts, insane sex, etc) to get you to like them and stay, but in reality they don't care too much about how happy you are. She would always say things like I complete her, I make her feel whole. Now I know that it was all about giving her a purpose.

 

And with this new relationship she's in, she's doing things that she would never do before. She's going to church which if you knew her you would completely laugh at that. She's talking about religion like she's a robot. Not to get too graphic, but on the phone call yesterday, she indicated that we never "made love," we only "banged," and she indicated that she didn't like exploring sexually - keep in mind, this is a girl who sent me a list of 5 BDSM sex toys that she wanted for her birthday and who told me she wanted to be tied up during sex.

 

I asked her if she loved this new guy, and the way she said it, I loooooooooove him, I reallyyyyyy do...the same things she said to me early on.

 

There's a lot of things I know about her that I think she is worried that I would tell her friends or her new boyfriend about. She was crying saying I guess you are going to tell all of them and I'll have to move somewhere new and start over again.

 

This guy makes her feel secure and looks at her like a normal girl, the same way I looked at her. When he starts to realize that what's behind the mask isn't very pretty, the same routine will happen.

 

So, I understand it all pretty well. Now I just need to get over it and get past it. That's what I'm struggling with!

[aloneinaz]

Texas,

 

I blocked her for the first few months after the relationship ended. I honestly thought I'd never hear from her again and honestly, I didn't. I was LIVID that I'd allowed her to treat me the way she did and that I didn't tell her to bugger off first. Around the time my relationship with my now fiance got to the relationship status which was 6 months post break up with the BPD ex, I changed phones. The new phone didn't have her number blocked but I'd deleted her number. I still don't have her number and don't know it. I think she's still blocked on my social media. I don't even know or care.

 

She did apologize all over herself when she tried to get me back via her LOOONNGG emails she was sending when she wanted me to take her back. I think she was sincere in her apologies but going back to her simply would have never happened again. We've all had too many break up cycles. Again, she'll never change as most healthy people don't really change their bad behaviors, views or outlooks either. My Mom always said "people don't change" and in my decades on this planet, I've found that to be very true.

 

In regards to you going a few months where you feel good, then revert back to feeling bad, it's withdrawal. Plane and simple. Healing isn't linear at all. Just like folks quitting cigs or drugs, you have good weeks/months and then will have a set back where you really crave them again.

 

You having any contact with her in any fashion is keeping you stuck where you are. I was perfectly fine post break up to NEVER hear from her again and as I mentioned, I didn't think I would. Right now, I wouldn't care if I ever spoke to her again either. If I ran into her at a store, I'd be cordial but the conversation would be short. I honestly have no animosity towards her and hope she's found a guy that she can co-exist with. Everyone deserves to be happy, even damaged ones.

 

My advice is to cut all contact. Honestly, what's that REALLY doing for you? Would you consider another round of horror with her? Pls say no. Focus on your future as she's your past. The vast majority of people who break up never speak to their ex again. There's no reason or value in doing so. It's the norm. People heal from the relationship and hopefully move onto a better one.

 

Lastly, everyone post break up who got dumped ask "how could she move on to someone else so quickly" and "did she/he really ever love me" and finally "I wonder if they ever think about me.. Those thoughts are NORMAL and after you reach the acceptance stage that it's over and you're SSOO much better with out them in your life, you'll won't care.

 

Of course the ex thinks of you. Yes, the probably did love you at one point in the relationship. Some folks move on quickly to the next relationship for a myriad of reasons. Loneliness. Don't like to be alone. The like the distraction of the new relationship as it keeps them from thinking of their last one.

 

Texas, you need to stick to NC to power past this. Get out and date. Don't look for a notch on the belt or for your next serious relationship. Go enjoy the company and companionship of women. Like me, you will run into someone you really click with, enjoy their company and fall in love again.

[PLT]

I think dating post break up is a very individual thing. I'm 4 months post BU and am only just starting to feel like I might start dating again, but then, when I think about actually going on a real date, all I feel is fear.

 

It doesn't help that I signed up to pof a couple of days ago. Sent out a bunch of messages. Not one single response. That knocks your confidence again. Makes me wonder if indeed she was right and no one else will want me.

 

I had a nightmare about her last night. I dreamt that she invited me over to talk, and when I got there, the person I'm convinced she discarded me for opened the door, and they were all over each other. I feel sick just typing it out. Yesterday I was doing ok. Today I'm a bit of a mess again. Further proof that this is a long, painful process.

[LuvMyDogMore]

Well said Haydn & Frozensushi! I'm fully creeped out to find [by reading this forum] how many experiences other people had that are JUST LIKE MINE. I had no idea; because I had convinced myself a few years ago that he must not have BPD (probably because I didn't want him to have it) I finally decided he had a "touch of the bipolar." He informed me that all Gemini's are moody. Good lord.

 

I just feel a lot less crazy now that I know a little more about this whole subject. Stupid, but less crazy.

[DeepVibeZ]

I think dating post break up is a very individual thing. I'm 4 months post BU and am only just starting to feel like I might start dating again, but then, when I think about actually going on a real date, all I feel is fear.

 

It doesn't help that I signed up to pof a couple of days ago. Sent out a bunch of messages. Not one single response. That knocks your confidence again. Makes me wonder if indeed she was right and no one else will want me.

 

POF and its ilk are infested with Cluster B's and psychos. I've met a few on there and a couple were so unhinged they couldn't even hide their traits on the 1st date. Avoid that place like the plague if you're still feeling fragile.

[PLT]

Well said Haydn & Frozensushi! I'm fully creeped out to find [by reading this forum] how many experiences other people had that are JUST LIKE MINE. I had no idea; because I had convinced myself a few years ago that he must not have BPD (probably because I didn't want him to have it) I finally decided he had a "touch of the bipolar." He informed me that all Gemini's are moody. Good lord.

 

I just feel a lot less crazy now that I know a little more about this whole subject. Stupid, but less crazy.

 

It is rather scary how many people write about their experience and you read it and think "I could have written that word for word".

 

Oh my ex used her star sign as an excuse too. Taurus. Bull in a china shop. But as a student and advocate of science, I pointed out the flaws in the whole horoscope BS. Yeah, that went down well.

 

It's weird what triggers us. This evening I went out for a lovely meal at a smokehouse (new thing here in the UK really) with my son. Had a lovely time. On the way back he missed his junction so we carried on the M4 to the M25. To get to my exs from mine, I'd drive up the M25. I started shaking in the car, knowing that stretch of road like the back of my hand, as I did it multiple times weekly for 4 years. I went into full on "I really miss her" mode, so came on here to jolt myself out of it and remember why she is my ex.

[PLT]

POF and its ilk are infested with Cluster B's and psychos. I've met a few on there and a couple were so unhinged they couldn't even hide their traits on the 1st date. Avoid that place like the plague if you're still feeling fragile.

 

Yeah I am starting to see what you mean. I guess for them pof is like shooting fish in a barrel. It's where I met my crazy ex after all. And the jealous ex before that (who was a hell of a lot easier to get over!). It's just difficult to meet women other ways. I'm too old to do the 20s thing of bars or clubs. I have hobbies but most of them are solitary. Astronomy and photography mainly.

 

But my PD radar is now fully functional I believe. This year has been so, so hard. I never want to go through that **** again. Ever. It almost completely destroyed me. But no way I was ever going to give her that satisfaction.

[DeepVibeZ]

That's the biggest benefit of a LTR with a BPD. My ex was high functioning and insidious - the most dangerous of the lot. After a few years dating those types and educating yourself on BPD, you'll never be fooled by them again.

[LuvMyDogMore]

Herbalist mentioned "trauma bonding" and it occurred to me how much a massive trauma created such an abusive relationship with a BPD -- on levels only a psychiatrist could figure out probably.

 

Long story in Reader's Digest version:

Broke up with a guy after 7 months because his behavior was becoming increasingly erratic (I find out later he was doing drugs, unbeknownst to me). Tried to remain friends with him because I believed he was suicidal (he held me at gunpoint with my own gun for 6 hours, threatening to kill himself in my house); after that incident I tried to get him psychological help, loaned him my car to drive to therapy appointments, etc. I thought I was helping him but apparently I was definitely NOT.

 

Few months after breaking up, I started dating my BPD. A month or so after we began dating, I realize the ex is stalking me, watching when I come home from my boyfriend's house. That turns ugly, police are called, threats are made. One night I'm staying at my boyfriend's house while he's working his midnight-8am shift because I accidentally locked myself out of my house. Ex kicks down the front door (literally) and holds a gun to my head and tells me he's going to kill me, my boyfriend [a federal agent] and himself. Throws me around, screams at me, demands to know when my boyfriend will be home. Eventually I talk him into sitting outside with me, calmly, to talk. He tells me if I don't tell him when my boyfriend will be home, he's shooting himself. And he did. In the head while I was sitting next to him.

 

He didn't die, lost an eye, went to jail and accused me of shooting him. That didn't work, so he accused my boyfriend of shooting him (that definitely didn't work). My boyfriend and I spent one year in court (he went to every court date with me, the most supportive thing I could have ever dreamed of) until the ex finally got 10 years in prison.

 

I was traumatically bonded to my BPD in the first month of our relationship. I owed him my life. He used this incident against me during our entire relationship. Told me I caused the ex to do this by trying to help him, told me I risked his life and his daughter's (she was in a totally different city, but "what if?") -- so not only was this astronomically absurd situation my fault, but everything thereafter was also my fault.

 

And I guess I started to believe it. And stayed with him for 3.5 years. But everything I read here smacks of something other than "all problems were my fault."

 

Oddly, I noticed most of the posts on this thread are by men describing women. Are women more prone to be BPD?

[PLT]

Herbalist mentioned "trauma bonding" and it occurred to me how much a massive trauma created such an abusive relationship with a BPD -- on levels only a psychiatrist could figure out probably.

 

Long story in Reader's Digest version:

Broke up with a guy after 7 months because his behavior was becoming increasingly erratic (I find out later he was doing drugs, unbeknownst to me). Tried to remain friends with him because I believed he was suicidal (he held me at gunpoint with my own gun for 6 hours, threatening to kill himself in my house); after that incident I tried to get him psychological help, loaned him my car to drive to therapy appointments, etc. I thought I was helping him but apparently I was definitely NOT.

 

Few months after breaking up, I started dating my BPD. A month or so after we began dating, I realize the ex is stalking me, watching when I come home from my boyfriend's house. That turns ugly, police are called, threats are made. One night I'm staying at my boyfriend's house while he's working his midnight-8am shift because I accidentally locked myself out of my house. Ex kicks down the front door (literally) and holds a gun to my head and tells me he's going to kill me, my boyfriend [a federal agent] and himself. Throws me around, screams at me, demands to know when my boyfriend will be home. Eventually I talk him into sitting outside with me, calmly, to talk. He tells me if I don't tell him when my boyfriend will be home, he's shooting himself. And he did. In the head while I was sitting next to him.

 

He didn't die, lost an eye, went to jail and accused me of shooting him. That didn't work, so he accused my boyfriend of shooting him (that definitely didn't work). My boyfriend and I spent one year in court (he went to every court date with me, the most supportive thing I could have ever dreamed of) until the ex finally got 10 years in prison.

 

I was traumatically bonded to my BPD in the first month of our relationship. I owed him my life. He used this incident against me during our entire relationship. Told me I caused the ex to do this by trying to help him, told me I risked his life and his daughter's (she was in a totally different city, but "what if?") -- so not only was this astronomically absurd situation my fault, but everything thereafter was also my fault.

 

And I guess I started to believe it. And stayed with him for 3.5 years. But everything I read here smacks of something other than "all problems were my fault."

 

Oddly, I noticed most of the posts on this thread are by men describing women. Are women more prone to be BPD?

 

I don't even know where to start. My goodness. I had it easy compared to that. That is some seriously messed up ****. I'm so sorry you have been through this awful experience.

And to then be blamed for that situation? I just don't have the words. A federal agent would surely know / have been trained to know, that what your ex ex did was HIS choice, HIS decision. No one else's. I guess that's BPD in a nutshell though. Bat**** ****ing mental.

 

In my case, my crazy ex (I call her crazy rather than BPD specifically because shes undiagnosed. She has all the signs though) told me that I use the death of my children as an excuse to behave the way I did.

 

I still don't know what she even meant by that. Behaved like what? I was never actually told what I had supposedly done wrong, or how I could put it right. According to her "you're a grown man and I shouldn't have to tell you". Crazy making.

 

But again, that's BPD I suppose. As soon as you point out the illogical nature of their bile, its onto something else and you never get to the bottom of the previous thing, and so it goes, on and on.

[LD1990]

Oddly, I noticed most of the posts on this thread are by men describing women. Are women more prone to be BPD?

 

BPD diagnosis is much more common with women (about three to one) according to this link:

Why Borderline Personality Disorder Is More Common in Women | Borderline Personality Treatment

 

It is interesting how each gender is more prone to certain personality disorders. Narcissism, for example, is far more common in men.

[LuvMyDogMore]

Wow -- using the death of your children against you. That is certainly worse than what I had to experience. And PLT you are correct: my ex would never in a million years go to therapy or ever be technically diagnosed as BPD. So we'll just call him bat**it crazy instead.

 

I really just cannot believe the level of (relief?) I feel being on this forum and knowing this issue exists with others -- not relief in an "oh, good" way but again in a way that says maybe I'm not crazy or losing my mind after all. It completely sucks that so many people are afflicted and so many of [us] are subjected to it.

[LuvMyDogMore]

LD1990, thank you for the link. I'm leaning towards the fact that fewer men go to therapy/get diagnosed with anything as the reason they don't show up in statistics as regularly. But I'm biased.

 

My BPD refused to admit he had an issue, *any* issues aside from being a "bad drunk" when he drank. He used that as an excuse for his extreme behavior, but always managed to turn even that around so I was comforting him and telling him it was okay, I forgive him for putting his hands around my neck [again]. Clearly this fact points out how damaged I am, if this is the cycle I engaged in for years.

 

I have issues of my own, chapters of them, but am convinced that the most beautiful man I've ever loved with everything I have also has issues. And perhaps, despite his continued accusations, I am NOT the sole reason he IS the way he IS.

[Downtown]

Oddly, I noticed most of the posts on this thread are by men describing women. Are women more prone to be BPD?

No, Luv. The incidence of lifetime BPD is statistically the same for both genders. For years, LS members have been observing that there are more men starting threads in this Breaking Up section and other R/S message boards. It has been speculated -- and I am inclined to agree -- that this happens only because women feel more comfortable discussing their R/S problems with their girl friends. In contrast, men are much less likely to do that with their buddies and thus end up here to discuss their personal issues anonymously.

 

BPD diagnosis is much more common with women (about three to one) according to this link: Why Borderline Personality Disorder Is More Common in Women | Borderline Personality Treatment.

LD, that link points to a page that likely was written at least 8 years ago, before the results of the first large-scale BPD study were published in 2008. Note that the blog page, written by a treatment center in California, is undated. Moreover, it doesn't cite any document to substantiate its outdated figures.

 

I'm leaning towards the fact that fewer men go to therapy/get diagnosed with anything as the reason they don't show up in statistics as regularly. But I'm biased.

Biased or not, Luv, you likely are correct. It is common knowledge that women are quicker and more likely to seek medical help at a hospital than are men. Prior to 2008, only a few BPD prevalence studies had been done and all of them were based on small samples of BPDers treated in a hospital. Based on those small studies, the psychiatric community believed for nearly three decades (1980 to 2008) that female BPDers outnumbered males by two or three times. And, because the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning folks who don't seek treatment, it was mistakenly believed that prevalence was only 2% of the population.

 

The psychiatric community thus was greatly surprised when the results of an expensive, randomized study of nearly 35,000 American adults was published in 2008 Study in JCP. These results, based on face-to-face interviews, are quoted in the 2011 Report to Congress on Borderline Personality Disorder, written by the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services. That report states:

In 2008, the first-ever large-scale, community study of personality disorders found a lifetime prevalence of 5.9 percent (18 million people) for BPD, with no significant difference in the rate of prevalence in men (5.6 percent) compared with women (6.2 percent).

See p. 13 of

2011 BPD Report

.

Hence, prevalence of the lifetime disorder itself is now believed to be the same for both genders.

[PLT]

Wow -- using the death of your children against you. That is certainly worse than what I had to experience. And PLT you are correct: my ex would never in a million years go to therapy or ever be technically diagnosed as BPD. So we'll just call him bat**it crazy instead.

 

I really just cannot believe the level of (relief?) I feel being on this forum and knowing this issue exists with others -- not relief in an "oh, good" way but again in a way that says maybe I'm not crazy or losing my mind after all. It completely sucks that so many people are afflicted and so many of [us] are subjected to it.

 

 

Part of their MO is to make you think you are losing your grip on reality. If they are always right, and you are always wrong, I think they hope that sooner or later you will defer to their control about everything. Of course if and when you do this they view you as weak and discard you anyway.

 

It's one of the things I just don't get about it all. All they do is hurt themselves, as well as others. They push away anyone that gets too close, which will obviously always be their partner. That they do it in such an inhumane way is just icing on the cake to ensure that even when they aren't single, they are always alone, as they have never, and will never, fully let someone in.

 

I go through phases of feeling sorry for her. I try to snap myself out of it because it does me no good, but what an awful way to waste your entire life. I may not be very successful with relationships. I am single in my mid 40s after all, but I least I know I can love fully. Something she, and everyone like her, can never say.

[aloneinaz]

I think dating post break up is a very individual thing. I'm 4 months post BU and am only just starting to feel like I might start dating again, but then, when I think about actually going on a real date, all I feel is fear.

 

I agree that dating post break up is an individual thing, especially as it pertains to how long until they do start to date. Feeling a bit of fear or apprehension is normal when starting to date again after a bad breakup. Everyone does.

 

It doesn't help that I signed up to pof a couple of days ago. Sent out a bunch of messages. Not one single response. That knocks your confidence again. Makes me wonder if indeed she was right and no one else will want me.

 

You need to address your confidence my friend. I know great looking guys and girls who can go on cold streaks on the dating sites. You need to keep plugging along. Google how to be successful on dating sites for ideas for your first contact w/someone you're interesting in.

When I was on those sites, my mindset was ALWAYS "I have everything to gain sending this gal an email" only only possible rejection to fear. Who cares if they are not interested? They don't know me/you. It's like making sales calls. You have to make a lot to get a sale.

 

There's no way I would have gotten over my BPD ex had I chosen to stay home and feel sorry for myself (not saying you are). I knew she was bat $hit crazy and I was a good person. After a month went by of healing and getting my feet back under me, I said I need to move on and find someone else who's healthy.

 

There's been SSOO many threads on this site where people post at 6 months or a year post break up that they can't get over their ex. When people ask if they are trying to date or meet someone new, they of course say no. Well duh? What else do you have to occupy your mind with when you're home alone, feeling lonely on a Saturday night? You're going to think of your last ex.

 

As it pertains to dating sites, I honestly had good luck on them in regards to mostly meeting very normal women. They were simply looking for their next relationship as well. Are they some nut jobs on there? Sure, but really, anymore than you could meet at a bar? I had a set of rules on the dating sites that I lived by. I'd never met someone if I hadn't enjoyed the emailing/texting with them. I especially would NEVER met someone that I didn't have a phone conversation with first. Why? I'd say that at least 10% of the potential dates passed the emailing/texting. I then call them to get a feel and to see if I felt any connection/chemistry. 10% of the time, the call would go terribly. No connection. They had issues. No personality, humor, etc..

 

Anyway, don't count out dating sites. Millions and millions of folks have meet and married great folks from them.

[LD1990]

LD, that link points to a page that likely was written at least 8 years ago, before the results of the first large-scale BPD study were published in 2008. Note that the blog page, written by a treatment center in California, is undated. Moreover, it doesn't cite any document to substantiate its outdated figures.

 

I stand corrected. You're like the BPD sensei here Downtown. It is surprising to me, I would've thought BPD would be more common in women.

[PLT]

I agree that dating post break up is an individual thing, especially as it pertains to how long until they do start to date. Feeling a bit of fear or apprehension is normal when starting to date again after a bad breakup. Everyone does.

 

 

 

You need to address your confidence my friend. I know great looking guys and girls who can go on cold streaks on the dating sites. You need to keep plugging along. Google how to be successful on dating sites for ideas for your first contact w/someone you're interesting in.

When I was on those sites, my mindset was ALWAYS "I have everything to gain sending this gal an email" only only possible rejection to fear. Who cares if they are not interested? They don't know me/you. It's like making sales calls. You have to make a lot to get a sale.

 

There's no way I would have gotten over my BPD ex had I chosen to stay home and feel sorry for myself (not saying you are). I knew she was bat $hit crazy and I was a good person. After a month went by of healing and getting my feet back under me, I said I need to move on and find someone else who's healthy.

 

There's been SSOO many threads on this site where people post at 6 months or a year post break up that they can't get over their ex. When people ask if they are trying to date or meet someone new, they of course say no. Well duh? What else do you have to occupy your mind with when you're home alone, feeling lonely on a Saturday night? You're going to think of your last ex.

 

As it pertains to dating sites, I honestly had good luck on them in regards to mostly meeting very normal women. They were simply looking for their next relationship as well. Are they some nut jobs on there? Sure, but really, anymore than you could meet at a bar? I had a set of rules on the dating sites that I lived by. I'd never met someone if I hadn't enjoyed the emailing/texting with them. I especially would NEVER met someone that I didn't have a phone conversation with first. Why? I'd say that at least 10% of the potential dates passed the emailing/texting. I then call them to get a feel and to see if I felt any connection/chemistry. 10% of the time, the call would go terribly. No connection. They had issues. No personality, humor, etc..

 

Anyway, don't count out dating sites. Millions and millions of folks have meet and married great folks from them.

 

Oh I hear you, I'm trying to get my mojo back. Just takes time and effort. Like you say I'm trying to keep the mindset of whats the worst that can happen? They don't reply. Not really worth stressing over.

 

But I had my first response today, from someone I messaged 10 minutes earlier. To be honest I'm starting to send the messages out not even expecting one back so when one did reply, well yeah, it felt kinda good.

Just had a few messages back and forth. Nothing heavy. Conversation sort of dried up but she did say she was suffering from a hangover from the night before so I didn't push it. If she messages me again cool. If not, I'm fine with that now. Would be nice as she is very attractive and seems nice and fun from the short conversation we had.

[TexasGuy12]

Hey everyone - I hope you all are doing okay.

 

I wanted to check in. About a month ago, I had a bit of a setback as I posted a few times on here about it. I decided to try to go talk to someone because I was tired of having this still going on for what was 6 months at the time (7 months now).

 

I came across a therapist online in my area who specializes in personality disorders, emailed her, and had my first session the next day. I've had 5 sessions so far. And I can honestly say that I'm doing better now than at any point since before I met my BPD ex.

 

I wanted to post something that I'm sure has been alluded to in other threads but I feel it's really important. It was maybe during the 3rd session that my therapist mentioned to me that I'm showing signs of PTSD, and that what I have been describing to her sounds like emotional abuse.

 

Now, when I think of PTSD, I had always thought of people who had been in the military - thats just what I associated it with. As far as emotional abuse, I always pictured that being far more aggressive and more directly abusive.

 

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the feelings I'm having aren't just the regular grieving of a breakup - although that's certainly part of it.

 

When I heard that, I got this feeling inside me that is really difficult to explain. It's as though a weight had been lifted. I think I was so pissed at myself for taking so long to get over the relationship/breakup, but in that moment a flip switched and I realized that it was okay to be feeling the way I'm feeling. Since that moment, I've been doing a lot better. I've also taken her off the pedestal and I recognize that she is a negative force as opposed to a positive one.

 

This is a breakup forum, and obviously, the majority of breakups are not with people who have BPD. But I think a small group of us have kind of come together in this thread and I thought it was really important to share my experience.

 

I also think there needs to be a realization that occurs to where as hard as it is to admit, you have to understand that the special bond that we thought we had, we didn't really have. It might have been special to us, but it wasn't to our EX. Maybe they thought it was, but they don't understand what true love or a true bond really is.

 

So as difficult as it is to acknowledge that something so meaningful to us wasn't meaningful to them - I think that it's crucial in the recovery. Facing that reality has been good to me. It's helped me not want her to contact me and not hold out that hope. I always thought, even for the months after the breakup, that we had something special that she was pushing away. I now know that's not the case, at least I'm pretty sure it's not. I think that I'm just a pawn in her game, and there were many before me, and many after me. Does that feel good for me to admit? Hell no. It sucks and it saddens me. But it's better than continuing to believe otherwise.

 

These people are really sick. We should be glad that we came out in one piece, and that we have each other in this thread to bounce things off of. It will get better. I'm so glad that I sought help, and I hope that I can help those of you in this thread in anyway possible.