Art_Critic Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 breathe.....breathe.... take it slow... good things come to those who wait... You are not feeling comfortable with the pace, let the pace go.. just enjoy the time you have with him and let things develop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 The amount of chemistry I feel with this guy is unbelievable. I felt sparks and butterflies from the first moment we met. I think you've dated enough by now to know that this is essentially carnal attraction at work. When it's strong, the tendency is to bend in ways you normally wouldn't so you don't lose the intensity of the connection. Personally, I have strong will power and can resist chasing even a man that I'm completely crazy about. But I understand very well how that strong magnetism can influence your behavior. I tend to just silently wring my hands a little in distress that he's not closing the gap as much as I would like. Some of my friends seem to actively seek out and enjoy this teasing energy, when a man keeps himself slightly out of reach. I get the impression you're like that. I know I should be pragmatic and seek a good long term partner based on rational qualities, but honestly, just spending time with someone I feel this way about is what life and dating should be like. This sounds like the you I know from all your writing here. You're more lit up with the emotional/spiritual aspects of romantic relationships than the practical/material. I'm the same way. I get it. Sometimes I wish I were more practical and could turn down the power of my heart and spirit over my body. But we are who we are. Having said that though, I do think that in time, I can have it all with this guy. He is just That's a great feeling when you really believe it and feel it. I've really only felt that strongly with one man, and it had an amazing effect on me. I felt as lit up as the sun, and everybody could see it. I hope it works out for you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 I think once a week at 6 weeks is ok. My fiancée and I met once a week for 2 months and even if I am a single mom with 100% custody my son was older and didn't need babysitting. It was just the pace. He told you that once the ex is better things will pick up . Don't chase, give men space. They tend to fall in love ore in our absence than when spending too much time together. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Redguitar35 Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 Do you tend to feel only hot towards men that are somewhat unavailable and cold towards the ones that are actually available and really into you? I had the same question. Could it be that OP is attracted to him because he is somewhat unavailable? Is she attracted to the fact that he doesn't make it easy? Not saying this is you, but we've all heard about ladies who have their 'poles reversed': where they are turned off by guys who are 'too available', and get really excited about guys who have a "take her or leave her", aloof type attitude. Might be something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 I pulled back on contacting him since I wrote this thread and he has stepped up in initiating. If he was cold to me - I would lose interest very quickly. While I have been out of the country, he has been in touch every day, most often every couple of hours even. It was just hard to see because I was in such a rush to contact him first. He has now even noticed that I don't contact him as much anymore and asked me if there is anything wrong. We will see what happens with seeing each other when I get back. I certainly do not feel strung along or used in any way at this point. Obviously, if he keeps making excuses or rescheduling dates, I will be out. I just don't think I could ever date someone without that spark again after this experience. I think that's wonderful. Good luck to you, ES. I hope it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 Things ended already I did a background check on him and found out that he is in fact still married. I confronted him and he confessed but begged me to give him another chance. He swore all his feelings for me were real and everything else he said and did was "the truth". Except there were quite a few conversations we had which were completely deceitful given this new information. He swears he plans to divorce soon blah, blah.... I ended it. He was pestering me with messages so much that I had to block him too. It was hard and easy at the same time. The fact that he lied so flawlessly turned me off so much that I don't even miss him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Ew sorry about that That's why I'm a firm supporter of background checks. I think the only lesson learned besides that is that the great chemistry can be deceitful (pick up artists and con artists are great at fabricating it)... Things ended already I did a background check on him and found out that he is in fact still married. I confronted him and he confessed but begged me to give him another chance. He swore all his feelings for me were real and everything else he said and did was "the truth". Except there were quite a few conversations we had which were completely deceitful given this new information. He swears he plans to divorce soon blah, blah.... I ended it. He was pestering me with messages so much that I had to block him too. It was hard and easy at the same time. The fact that he lied so flawlessly turned me off so much that I don't even miss him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Ouch. That's gotta hurt. What a snake in the grass. I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Things ended already I did a background check on him and found out that he is in fact still married. I confronted him and he confessed but begged me to give him another chance. He swore all his feelings for me were real and everything else he said and did was "the truth". Except there were quite a few conversations we had which were completely deceitful given this new information. He swears he plans to divorce soon blah, blah.... I ended it. He was pestering me with messages so much that I had to block him too. It was hard and easy at the same time. The fact that he lied so flawlessly turned me off so much that I don't even miss him I'm so sorry, ES. What a little pig... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Wow unbelievable turn of events in this situation Ethernal, I am so sorry you had to find that out and end it. What a creep!! Good for you for ending it though and not entertaining any of the bullsht. I know what you mean about it being easy to walk away when you see someone's ease in which they lied. It's an instant attraction/love killer. Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 First time dating a single dad with 2 kids. Over the last 6 weeks, we average 1 date per week (so 6 dates so far). His ex wife is in hospital so he had the kids nearly 100% of the time during this period. I am getting a little impatient. I want to see him more, at least 2-3 times a week. He says that once his ex gets better, things will return to normal (week on and week off). More recently he canceled a date because he asked a relative to babysit kids and he couldn't do it at the last minute. It's a bad timing too as I will be out of the country for the next 2 weeks so we didn't get to even say proper goodbye. He calls and texts me every day but it's still not the same as spending time in person. Is this normal when dating a single parent? I don't know your background and assume you have no kids. You have to think deep down is this what you want? Do you want to be 2nd? My own opinion would be to skip this guy and find someone with no attachments. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 8, 2016 Author Share Posted November 8, 2016 He actually asked me if one day he gets a divorce and shows me the divorce papers, would I give him the second chance? He is a very messed up individual. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 8, 2016 Author Share Posted November 8, 2016 Ew sorry about that That's why I'm a firm supporter of background checks. I think the only lesson learned besides that is that the great chemistry can be deceitful (pick up artists and con artists are great at fabricating it)... It's hard though because I still want that chemistry. I could compromise for slightly less intense version but no less than that. I went out on a date last night with a cool guy but I had zero desire to touch him; that's not going to work. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 I try to stay away from dating single mothers with kids that are too young, esp. if they have them 24/7. There's a woman I met in my singles group that had a hard time finding a man that was able to date her and accept her busy life. Personally, I think these single parents should wait until their kids are at least Jr. High age when the children desire to become more independent. I can tell you from experience, it gets worse, not better in Jr High and High School. I've done it and am doing it. In Jr. High, the kids become self absorbed brats which actually want their independence, but at the same time seem to demand more attention. In High School, at least until they have a car, they are dependent on you for transportation, and that takes a LOT of time. One or both of you are tied up 2-3 nights a week, sometimes a day on the weekend. Which is cool, I guess (not really) if you are in an LTR, but not helpful in the early relationship phases because your time is just nonexistent. I think the OP has crazy expectations that 3 times a week can happen. I think as long as it's going well, roll with it, why the impatience? Don't back off from him though, he will interpret that as loss of interest Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 8, 2016 Author Share Posted November 8, 2016 It's not just because this experience ended badly, but I would very strongly prefer to date men with no children going forward. If he has to have a child, having one is better than 2. Also their ex wives must already be settled with new partners, preferably remarried. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 EternalSunshine, it sounds like your radar was on point here. From your initial posts, it seemed like you sensed something was up with his lack of availability beyond having two kids. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's curious about whether the wife was ever actually "sick." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 8, 2016 Author Share Posted November 8, 2016 EternalSunshine, it sounds like your radar was on point here. From your initial posts, it seemed like you sensed something was up with his lack of availability beyond having two kids. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's curious about whether the wife was ever actually "sick." That's exactly why I am not really heartbroken - I sensed something is not quite right and had low expectations of this lasting. There was something off about his relationship with the (ex)wife from the start, just the vibe I got whenever he mentioned her. I now wonder if anything he said was true. He is also a very intelligent men, so his deception was well covered(for the most part). I am pretty sure many women would let this situation drag out for months/years. Even if they found out, he made such a strong case of wanting to be with me and leave his wife that many would fall for it. This is exactly why I am single for long stretches of time. I have strong intuition and low tolerance for BS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 I try to stay away from dating single mothers with kids that are too young, esp. if they have them 24/7. There's a woman I met in my singles group that had a hard time finding a man that was able to date her and accept her busy life. Personally, I think these single parents should wait until their kids are at least Jr. High age when the children desire to become more independent. I knew of a mother that was a den mother and was involved with her kid and HER kid's friends. So she had some kind of leadership going on in the cub scouts and she would go on ALL weekend campouts with them...this, of course, left the new boyfriend irritated since his weekends were free. So it was really the kid's extracurricular activities and friendships (kid's friendships) that got in the way. She was basically catering to her child's interests and that got in the way of her dating life. I disagree. I believe that single parents should date when and if they are available and comfortable. Why should they have to wait YEARS before dating? Wait until the kids are more independent? Not necessary. The single parents need to have family, friends services in place to help them date appropriately. Adults who understand that and being a parent are forgiving to a point. In the end, it works itself out. The parent(s) realizes decisions need to be made to either make more appropriate time for dating or not. I am a single parent and I have decided to halt the dating until my kids and I are in a position more stable and supported. Once that happens, then I will make myself available to dating again. Both my kids are younger than 12. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 That's exactly why I am not really heartbroken - I sensed something is not quite right and had low expectations of this lasting. There was something off about his relationship with the (ex)wife from the start, just the vibe I got whenever he mentioned her. I now wonder if anything he said was true. He is also a very intelligent men, so his deception was well covered(for the most part). I am pretty sure many women would let this situation drag out for months/years. Even if they found out, he made such a strong case of wanting to be with me and leave his wife that many would fall for it. This is exactly why I am single for long stretches of time. I have strong intuition and low tolerance for BS. It's nice to see strong women not taking BS Curious, how did you do a background check on him? Do you just mean googling, or something more? Link to post Share on other sites
redhairnfreckles78 Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 Hi, Im new to dating so im not sure whats considered normal or not, but as a single parent myself i think once a week is ok. He clearly has stuff going on at home and yet hes still finding time to see you. I think when ur dating a single parent, and possibly aren't a parent yourself its important to understand that you are always going to come second behind his kids. I hope you dont think im being cruel by saying that; i just know that no man is ever going to mean as much to me as my kids do. Having said that, i wouldnt allow my kids to run my love life either, but anyone we meet has to understand that my priority will always be them. Hope things work out for you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 9, 2016 Author Share Posted November 9, 2016 He has turned up at my work today and I told reception not to let him in. He then left a single red rose for me. Few days ago, I told him very clearly that it's over, it's the final decision, and that any further contact from him is unwelcome. Then proceeded to block him on my phone, email and social media. At this point I feel harassed Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 He has turned up at my work today and I told reception not to let him in. He then left a single red rose for me. Few days ago, I told him very clearly that it's over, it's the final decision, and that any further contact from him is unwelcome. Then proceeded to block him on my phone, email and social media. At this point I feel harassed Perhaps you should suggest that your next call will be to his wife... Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 He has turned up at my work today and I told reception not to let him in. He then left a single red rose for me. Few days ago, I told him very clearly that it's over, it's the final decision, and that any further contact from him is unwelcome. Then proceeded to block him on my phone, email and social media. At this point I feel harassed Perhaps an RO is becoming necessary. Do not tolerate this . . . if he shows up at your job or home, go to the police. Link to post Share on other sites
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