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Curious as to why it's so hard for some people to be committed to one person?

DarrenB

By DarrenB
in General Relationship Discussion

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DarrenB Established Member

DarrenB

Posted
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I'm just wondering, and looking to see people's opinions on it...

 

Why can a partner not stick to the person they're currently with?

 

Why must they seek attention and affection (love) elsewhere, when they have it perfectly with them in their current partner?

 

Why do they bother for so long, if they don't see it going anywhere? to prevent them or us from being hurt? because they have no other options at the time?

 

Why do people just suddenly give up on things with so much potential or long-term R/S? is there a hidden affair or something of which they do not want to tell because it will affect them and the way people portray them?

 

It's personal preference really and I don't really have anything against it, but how do people get into the mindset of 'getting around'? in other words, going on multiple dates, sleeping with multiple people within a short period of time. Is it just considered to be 'living life'? or just simply not wanting to be in a 'committed partnership'?

 

I don't know why I'm so curious on these things... It's just taken alot of thinking out of me to try and understand recently.

central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

Some are unhappy with their partner, or are bored. Some want something better than they've got. And humans - like the vast majority of species - aren't naturally monogamous, but most prefer pair-bonding while things are working. They have little trouble switching partners if they aren't satisfied, constrained mostly by social conventions that try to limit the associated problems.

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Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
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It depends...do you mean cheating or just in general?

 

I think it's important to date around when young & figuring out what you want & need out of a partner. I married my first "real" bf as a teen & it caused problems bc I didn't get the "fun" part out of my life. I've told my kids to not settle down in life with one person until absolutely sure they're ready.

 

Unfortunately what I think happens (which I'm seeing with my daughter) is she's honest she doesn't want anything "serious" with anyone & the guy's she hangs with all stick around thinking she's going to date them & they get their feelings hurt but she's being honest from the beginning. She wants to date around & have different experiences with different people, she's leaving for college next year & doesn't want a relationship. She is a virgin & had said she's saving that part for someone she really falls in love with...if you're not officially dating whoever you're speaking about & she's out having fun...she probably cares for you but she wants to have fun & different experiences & even know it may hurt a bit, she's allowed & there's nothing wrong with it.

 

You can go out & do the same & you should! Good luck

  • Like 1
PaperCrane Established Member

PaperCrane

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With ease of swapping and lack of repercussions, it's the path of least resistance. Why trod along during a rough patch when joe_schmo_87 or xoxo-cutiepie91 keeps sending those wonderful flirty messages and makes the butterflies in the tummy do flips? Or perhaps it's the very cute person working in produce you see once in awhile that you've exchanged numbers with provides a distraction from the fact your partner is upset about something.

 

Being monogamous and committed and loving are all choices. We make the choice every day. There isn't fanfare involved with it. There aren't any text messages that say "You looked so hot being monogamous today". It's all inward.

 

Doing these things is hard, and I feel it isn't much of a new thing to be non-committal, but that now it is much easier to seek attention elsewhere.

 

I also feel people chase the feeling of falling in love as 'love' rather than the real love that takes effort and dedication. One is new and exciting and the other isn't.

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mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

Because commitment itself is hard. The easy way to get a false , short lived high , is to look elsewhere. A quick fix but that slowly catches up with dire consequences.

Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
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Because commitment itself is hard. The easy way to get a false , short lived high , is to look elsewhere. A quick fix but that slowly catches up with dire consequences.

 

Not in every case true...some people just don't want to commit bc they haven't found the one & there's nothing wrong with that. It's just as wrong to try & force someone to commit, if they don't want to. If someone wants a committed relationship & the other doesn't...neither is person is "wrong" (minus obviously if married) it's just different feelings & everyone is entitled to what they feel & want. Sometimes it's going to hurt but that's life.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

Simple:

 

- Some people are selfish. They want their cake and to eat it too. See, loving someone takes an act of selflessness. When it's all about "you", you could care less who you use and/or hurt cuz you want your "fill".

 

- Some people have no idea what they want and/or in a mate. So, they bounce from person to person. Worst, sometimes they marry and/or pop out some kids and think that cuz they made a mistake, they get a 'get out of marriage/kid/relationship card' and bounce.

 

- Some people have a void in themselves. This kinda ties into yhe first two paragraphs. The people with a void are sorta expecting someone else and/or status that comes with a marriage/kid/relationship to make them happy and fact is, you truly cannot be in a RL if you have no life/love/self-esteem. So, they keep on bouncing around and will probably never fill that void.

 

So, like Whoknew30's post..people should be upfront and by date three and/or before sex, tell you what they are looking for. It's simple, either they want company or marriage. They may not know if "you" are the one they wanna marry, but when they're out there dating, they're just not having sex and good times, they are evaluating each person to see if they are marriage material, cuz they're ready for that step in their lives.

 

So, if someone isn't laying their cards on the table, get ready to be flaked and/or cheated on...cuz either they're looking for someone to use or are flibetry gibbets who don't know about themselves/life/what makes a good mate.

Fishfingersareyummy Established Member

Fishfingersareyummy

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My theory is that most people are naturally polygamous and instead of being truly honest with themselves they try and conform to the monogamous lifestyle that society has created and enforced as the status quo (for want of a better description), so you are having people who aren't monogamous, who never will be trying to be monogamous and the result is infidelity, instability, selfishness and heart ache.

 

I can pretend I am an Irish thoroughbred race horse or an Aston Martin DB9, but I am neither of those things and never will be.

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NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

Posted
Posted
My theory is that most people are naturally polygamous and instead of being truly honest with themselves they try and conform to the monogamous lifestyle that society has created and enforced as the status quo (for want of a better description), so you are having people who aren't monogamous, who never will be trying to be monogamous and the result is infidelity, instability, selfishness and heart ache.

 

I can pretend I am an Irish thoroughbred race horse or an Aston Martin DB9, but I am neither of those things and never will be.

 

There's probably a degree to truth to it, but if someone gets married & agrees to a monogamous marriage than they need to stick to that. There's no excuses for cheating at all. It's the worst when I hear about people cheating on their partner & then coming home to their husband/girlfriend & if they had kids & pretend nothing is wrong. It's like how do they look them in the face without having severe guilt? It just feels like a sociopathic characteristic to me to have no remorse or guilt for something like that.

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SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
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Because we never have it perfectly with our current partner. No one person can fulfill all of our needs.

 

Sometimes, the search for ... happiness ... leads some people to step over the bounds of their relationship.

 

That doesn't mean we have to be intimately involved with another person, but the search for what we don't get at home should be expected. Whether it's intellectual, spiritual, social, or sexual fulfillment, all of us have needs that are unmet. We just have to monitor how we get our needs met.

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NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

Posted
Posted
Because we never have it perfectly with our current partner. No one person can fulfill all of our needs.

 

Sometimes, the search for ... happiness ... leads some people to step over the bounds of their relationship.

 

That doesn't mean we have to be intimately involved with another person, but the search for what we don't get at home should be expected. Whether it's intellectual, spiritual, social, or sexual fulfillment, all of us have needs that are unmet. We just have to monitor how we get our needs met.

 

How about communicating with your partner about what things are being unmet & trying to fix that instead of finding it elsewhere?

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Fishfingersareyummy Established Member

Fishfingersareyummy

Posted
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There's probably a degree to truth to it, but if someone gets married & agrees to a monogamous marriage than they need to stick to that. There's no excuses for cheating at all. It's the worst when I hear about people cheating on their partner & then coming home to their husband/girlfriend & if they had kids & pretend nothing is wrong. It's like how do they look them in the face without having severe guilt? It just feels like a sociopathic characteristic to me to have no remorse or guilt for something like that.

 

I agree with you but that's why I won't ever get married and why I'll request a paternity test for any woman who claims to be carrying my child. Another factor not considered by me is that broken people often get into relationships and walk into life-long commitments like marriage when they are not fixed and that presents itself with problems further down the road. Then there's complacency, a total lack of communication skills, problem solving skills, no respect, team work and the result is failure.

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NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

Posted
Posted
I agree with you but that's why I won't ever get married and why I'll request a paternity test for any woman who claims to be carrying my child. Another factor not considered by me is that broken people often get into relationships and walk into life-long commitments like marriage when they are not fixed and that presents itself with problems further down the road. Then there's complacency, a total lack of communication skills, problem solving skills, no respect, team work and the result is failure.

 

lol I don't think that would go over so well asking the woman your with for a paternity test.

 

And yeah, so many people wind up with the wrong person than they just cheat on them but are comfortable with them so they stay with them while getting something on the side.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
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Why must they seek attention and affection (love) elsewhere, when they have it perfectly with them in their current partner?

 

That's natural for some ppl.

Fishfingersareyummy Established Member

Fishfingersareyummy

Posted
Posted
lol I don't think that would go over so well asking the woman your with for a paternity test.

 

And yeah, so many people wind up with the wrong person than they just cheat on them but are comfortable with them so they stay with them while getting something on the side.

 

I'm not stupid enough to blindly trust a woman who tells me she's carrying my child and start handing over money for support or having any involvement with the child. So I'll demand a paternity to prove that the child is mine. I feel it's a reasonable request and one that a woman without nothing to hide should have no gripes with.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
My theory is that most people are naturally polygamous and instead of being truly honest with themselves they try and conform to the monogamous lifestyle that society has created and enforced as the status quo (for want of a better description), so you are having people who aren't monogamous, who never will be trying to be monogamous and the result is infidelity, instability, selfishness and heart ache.

 

I don't agree that "most" people are naturally polygamous, but I do agree that polygamous people or people who naturally do not totally believe in monogamy, get themselves into monogamous relationships as that is often what "society" expects, and they just can't do it, so they cheat at the first available opportunity that presents itself.

Fishfingersareyummy Established Member

Fishfingersareyummy

Posted
Posted
I don't agree that "most" people are naturally polygamous, but I do agree that polygamous people or people who naturally do not totally believe in monogamy, get themselves into monogamous relationships as that is often what "society" expects, and they just can't do it, so they cheat at the first available opportunity that presents itself.

 

I've read that there are more societies in the world that live by polygamous ideals than monogamous one's and it very common in ancient times for wealthy men to have multiple wives.

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted
It depends...do you mean cheating or just in general?

 

I think it's important to date around when young & figuring out what you want & need out of a partner. I married my first "real" bf as a teen & it caused problems bc I didn't get the "fun" part out of my life. I've told my kids to not settle down in life with one person until absolutely sure they're ready.

 

Unfortunately what I think happens (which I'm seeing with my daughter) is she's honest she doesn't want anything "serious" with anyone & the guy's she hangs with all stick around thinking she's going to date them & they get their feelings hurt but she's being honest from the beginning. She wants to date around & have different experiences with different people, she's leaving for college next year & doesn't want a relationship. She is a virgin & had said she's saving that part for someone she really falls in love with...if you're not officially dating whoever you're speaking about & she's out having fun...she probably cares for you but she wants to have fun & different experiences & even know it may hurt a bit, she's allowed & there's nothing wrong with it.

 

You can go out & do the same & you should! Good luck

 

you are daughter is smart. I wish I were like her when I was young. but I grew up believing once I fall in love, it will be forever. unfortunately love doesn't work like that in reality.

  • Like 2
Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted

because no one truly, deeply and madly love another person?

 

damn, after reading all those romantic books, movies and songs, this is the conclusion I have at the end?

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

The real question you should be asking is why do some people find it so easy to stay with one person.

 

People who go through life with only one person is the outlier and the rarity.

 

Polygamy, hypergamy and promiscuity are the norms and the natural states.

 

It's the people who can live with only being with one person and being OK with that that are the outliers.

Fishfingersareyummy Established Member

Fishfingersareyummy

Posted
Posted

 

It's the people who can live with only being with one person and being OK with that that are the outliers.

 

That's if you believe in the concept of society.

 

I echo Margaret Thatcher's sentiment "...And, you know, there's no such thing as society. There are individual men and women...".

  • Like 1
SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted
How about communicating with your partner about what things are being unmet & trying to fix that instead of finding it elsewhere?

 

Sometimes your partner can't meet your needs.

 

One couple I know, the guy is very fit. His wife had a bad car accident when she was young. Had several broken bones and other physical damage. She's better, but she'll never be able to go to the gym and work out like he does. If he wants a workout partner, he can't "fix" his wife. The doctors already tried. He just needs to not boink that hot cutie who needs a spotter at the gym.

 

I know another couple where one person is much smarter than the other. The smarter person will never get the intellectual stimulation she needs at home. There's no fixing that. It's just not going to happen. And that's fine. Her husband seems to be a great guy in many other areas. It's just a matter of not crossing the line when she meets a guy who can have those conversations and has similar interests.

 

We're all different. Have different experiences, interests, and abilities. It's not realistic to expect our partner to be able to meet all of our needs. That's why we have friends. Hobbies.

 

And why sometimes a need unmet inside of our relationship can lead us into the arms of another person.

 

That's why I think people who withhold sex or affection are sabotaging their relationship. Because you force your partner to seek it elsewhere. Those are needs that usually CAN be met inside the relationship. When they are not, it often leads to predictable results.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

 

Those stats are on people who admit to infidelity in marriage. Cheating is only one facet.

 

It does not address at all the number of people who had multiple partners before marriage, partners after marriage with consent , ie swinging/open marriage etc, or people in monogamous marriage but are struggling with dissatifaction, yearning for variety etc etc.

 

there are very very very people that married their first sex partner and then never touched another until death of old age.

 

And of those few that did, even fewer still were even somewhat satisfied with that.

 

My point is, people who are life long monogamous with only one person AND who are satisfied with only one for a life time are the rare breed.

 

People having multiple partners throughout their lives and yearning for others whilst in a monogamous relationship are the norm and not the aberrancy.

 

People who are perfectly happy with only one throughout a lifetime are the rare breed. Those are the ones that should be studied.

  • Like 1
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Sometimes your partner can't meet your needs.

 

One couple I know, the guy is very fit. His wife had a bad car accident when she was young. Had several broken bones and other physical damage. She's better, but she'll never be able to go to the gym and work out like he does. If he wants a workout partner, he can't "fix" his wife. The doctors already tried. He just needs to not boink that hot cutie who needs a spotter at the gym.

 

I know another couple where one person is much smarter than the other. The smarter person will never get the intellectual stimulation she needs at home. There's no fixing that. It's just not going to happen. And that's fine. Her husband seems to be a great guy in many other areas. It's just a matter of not crossing the line when she meets a guy who can have those conversations and has similar interests.

 

We're all different. Have different experiences, interests, and abilities. It's not realistic to expect our partner to be able to meet all of our needs. That's why we have friends. Hobbies.

 

And why sometimes a need unmet inside of our relationship can lead us into the arms of another person.

 

That's why I think people who withhold sex or affection are sabotaging their relationship. Because you force your partner to seek it elsewhere. Those are needs that usually CAN be met inside the relationship. When they are not, it often leads to predictable results.

 

Ok, the accident thing is something that no one can control and in some cultures/religions that would allow the married couple to consider getting another wife for the husband and it makes sense cuz that way he doesn't dump his wife - who no guy would probably marry - and husband doesn't have to remain celibate.

 

Now, your other example. Really? I'm gonna cheat cuz I can't have an intellectual conversation with my SO? Ok, whatever. So, when they were dating they didn't realize this red flag.

 

But really, no one is gonna find 100% match. That's when you as a person, has to know what you'll compromise on and what's a deal breaker for you. Most important is to choose wisely. Don't jump and marry someone you barely know and/or saw red flags. Again, poor choices in a mate isn't a 'get out and cheat for free card'.

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