Finally ending it 100%

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's nice everyone remembers me. All these threads about more about people in the middle of an affair or right afterwards, but if mine helps anyone, I'd be glad to share. I did see my therapist today, I have not seen her since last January. Now that I am out of it and he's gone, she thinks she can help me.

 

She feels based on my upbringing I have an attachment disorder and while she cannot predict whether xmm will be back or not, she said with these things, if its not one guy, it will be another.

 

She was pretty alarmed at the oddness that my client rented space in a different area owned by xmm's company and xmm was moved to this space and now they are together in the same two story commercial house (I say house because you have to go in and up the stairs, there is no avoiding the first floor) While she is not going to go as far as to say the universe is bringing us together (as the universe would not bring two people married to other people together) she said it was a big sign that there are major unresolved issues at play.

 

I'm feeling better, the obsessive thinking has slowed down.

 

There is just this part of me that thinks, what next.

[Cali408]

Fire your client. Your sanity is more important than your wallet.

 

Listen to your therapist.

 

good luck

[Southern Sun]

It's nice everyone remembers me. All these threads about more about people in the middle of an affair or right afterwards, but if mine helps anyone, I'd be glad to share. I did see my therapist today, I have not seen her since last January. Now that I am out of it and he's gone, she thinks she can help me.

 

She feels based on my upbringing I have an attachment disorder and while she cannot predict whether xmm will be back or not, she said with these things, if its not one guy, it will be another.

 

She was pretty alarmed at the oddness that my client rented space in a different area owned by xmm's company and xmm was moved to this space and now they are together in the same two story commercial house (I say house because you have to go in and up the stairs, there is no avoiding the first floor) While she is not going to go as far as to say the universe is bringing us together (as the universe would not bring two people married to other people together) she said it was a big sign that there are major unresolved issues at play.

 

I'm feeling better, the obsessive thinking has slowed down.

 

There is just this part of me that thinks, what next.

 

I still haven't put together why in the hell xMM was at your client's office?

 

Is he sharing office space with YOUR client?

 

If so, why would that be the case?

 

These types of guys...predator, sociopath-types...they often have minions. Fan clubs. People who they maintain as 2nd and 3rd level "friends" and associates, who never get to see him for who he really is. Only the charm and brilliance.

 

Could he have known they were an important client of yours and sought out a relationship with them on purpose?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Fire your client. Your sanity is more important than your wallet.

 

Listen to your therapist.

 

good luck

 

My therapist did not say to fire my client.

 

If you read my story and saw what I went through you would not give me advice like that.

 

I'm barely making ends meet but thanks anyway.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I still haven't put together why in the hell xMM was at your client's office?

 

Is he sharing office space with YOUR client?

 

If so, why would that be the case?

 

These types of guys...predator, sociopath-types...they often have minions. Fan clubs. People who they maintain as 2nd and 3rd level "friends" and associates, who never get to see him for who he really is. Only the charm and brilliance.

 

Could he have known they were an important client of yours and sought out a relationship with them on purpose?

 

xMM wasn't at my client's office. The owner of xmm's company, a relative of his, bought a new commercial property and moved xmm into it in 2016 (I did not know any of this, I just now found out). My client also rented space from the owner for his own new business. xmm is on the 1st floor, my client is on the 2nd.

 

It has to be a coincidence. xMM's family would have had to have known my client list and sought out a client - and for what, they would not intentionally bring me into their world. My client list is not public information. I could tell my client did not know xmm well, only as one of the people working on the lower level.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure when I will have to go back. It could honestly be months. I only see a client once or twice a year and in some cases, it has been a few years since we have seen each other in person.

 

I ignored him each week for 11 months. I can ignore him for 5 minutes twice a year if need be.

[ShatteredLady]

She was pretty alarmed at the oddness that my client rented space in a different area owned by xmm's company and xmm was moved to this space and now they are together in the same two story commercial house (I say house because you have to go in and up the stairs, there is no avoiding the first floor) While she is not going to go as far as to say the universe is bringing us together (as the universe would not bring two people married to other people together) she said it was a big sign that there are major unresolved issues at play.

 

I'm feeling better, the obsessive thinking has slowed down.

 

There is just this part of me that thinks, what next.

 

 

Hey. I usually 'like' your posts. You appear to be a very intelligent, rational, thoughtful person with a lot of great advise.

 

Maybe I'm reading this wrong. Are you saying that your therapist thinks that there's some greater 'spiritual' type meaning behind the OM sharing an office with your client? Is she saying that this is some symbolic "sign" to you?

 

I confess that I do NOT believe in such things. It strikes me as bizarre that a professional 'scientist' would offer-up such tosh!

 

It's either a coincidence or a situation manipulated by the OM. From the way you described his reaction I think it's the former.

 

PLEASE don't read deeper significance into things like this. life's hard enough...

 

You seemed to be doing so well before this set-back. I'm so sorry.

[Southern Sun]

xMM wasn't at my client's office. The owner of xmm's company, a relative of his, bought a new commercial property and moved xmm into it in 2016 (I did not know any of this, I just now found out). My client also rented space from the owner for his own new business. xmm is on the 1st floor, my client is on the 2nd.

 

It has to be a coincidence. xMM's family would have had to have known my client list and sought out a client - and for what, they would not intentionally bring me into their world. My client list is not public information. I could tell my client did not know xmm well, only as one of the people working on the lower level.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure when I will have to go back. It could honestly be months. I only see a client once or twice a year and in some cases, it has been a few years since we have seen each other in person.

 

I ignored him each week for 11 months. I can ignore him for 5 minutes twice a year if need be.

 

Did xMM know any of your clients? Could he have encouraged the transaction between the owner (his family) and your client? The owner (MM's family member) wouldn't have to have any clue about your relationship with the client. MM could have been helping to grease the skids, if he knew they were attached to you.

 

Either that, or total, wacky, coincidence.

 

As you said, you don't have to spend much time there. It's just really odd. Men like that...they don't even have to see or talk to you...as long as they know you're still there. It's about maintaining some sort of connection.

 

Hopefully it's nothing.

[deadsoul]

Hi Deadsoul!

 

I don't log on to LS much these days but saw Midnight had updated her thread so had a read through and saw the shout out to me!! I am doing so much better. I am in a different place compared to this time last year when I was a complete mess! Can you PM yet? Feel free to PM me and I can talk to you in more detail x

 

I don't think I can PM yet. When can I? Yes, I'd love to talk to you. I really followed your story while you were in it and would really like to hear the follow up.

 

sorry for the thread jack, MB... I also wonder about Jenkins and some of the others who were posting on the destabilization thread.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hey. I usually 'like' your posts. You appear to be a very intelligent, rational, thoughtful person with a lot of great advise.

 

Maybe I'm reading this wrong. Are you saying that your therapist thinks that there's some greater 'spiritual' type meaning behind the OM sharing an office with your client? Is she saying that this is some symbolic "sign" to you?

 

I confess that I do NOT believe in such things. It strikes me as bizarre that a professional 'scientist' would offer-up such tosh!

 

It's either a coincidence or a situation manipulated by the OM. From the way you described his reaction I think it's the former.

 

PLEASE don't read deeper significance into things like this. life's hard enough...

 

You seemed to be doing so well before this set-back. I'm so sorry.

 

 

I don't know. xmm is the kind of guy who would have a hard time pulling together a tuna fish sandwich, let alone masterminding a plot like this. Plus he hasn't contacted me at all since he left, so it has to be a coincidence.

 

My therapist is not a medical doctor, she is a Jungian, but she just meant that people's unresolved issues can bring about situations forcing them to confront the issues. She did not mean anything like we were destined to be together, goodness no. As Alie D says, the universe does not bring you someone's spouse as a soulmate.

 

I mean, odd things do happen in the world. Who knows. Maybe it was a lesson for him, maybe he needs to learn that he cannot do whatever he wants, walk away and just go about his life like none of it happened. You know, it was good to see the pure shock in his face. Karma has her own plan. There are consequences in life. Every action has a reaction and so on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't think I can PM yet. When can I? Yes, I'd love to talk to you. I really followed your story while you were in it and would really like to hear the follow up.

 

sorry for the thread jack, MB... I also wonder about Jenkins and some of the others who were posting on the destabilization thread.

 

Jenkins is on and off. Same with Out. When they see this thread, they may post. It's been over a year for each of them as well, I'm sure they are each just trying to move on with their lives and forget, as we all are.

[Grey Cloud]

I don't think I can PM yet. When can I? Yes, I'd love to talk to you. I really followed your story while you were in it and would really like to hear the follow up.

 

sorry for the thread jack, MB... I also wonder about Jenkins and some of the others who were posting on the destabilization thread.

 

I think you have to post 100 times to get PM rights? Once you become a "regular" poster then it happens. I tried to send you one but it's not established yet. So keep posting and contributing and then send me one when you are able.I don't want to thread jack with a big post from me "one year on" type thing!

 

I still hear from Jenkins on and off. Everyone is trying to move on as Midnight has said. Look forward to speaking with you soon!

[Owl6118]

I think you have to post 100 times to get PM rights? Once you become a "regular" poster then it happens.

 

You can also become a supporting member, which comes with PM rights instantly.

[Midwestmissy]

Even though I'm the bs, I can relate to so many things said here. It comes down to the need - like food and water - for connection. And that need blinds us to dishonesty. I'm shocked that people can look you in the eye and lie to you about love. And that you want to believe it so badly that you ignore the nausea, the tightness in your chest - all the signs.

 

My wh didn't have a love affair, but he found himself needing validation regardless of the source. He convinced himself that the mow wanted him because he was special and irresistible. I suggested that he was just the one who said yes. Had he said no, she would have continued asking others. This didn't make him special, it made him a mark, like conmen seek out. (This doesn't apply to all ow, but it was a pattern in her case, before and since. He said she's been sleeping her way to the middle for 25 years). He couldn't believe that she fell all over him and said things that were self serving, even though he came home and did the same. I reached out to his mother for guidance, after all for 30 years she had showered me with the right words about loving me, and she was a therapist. She essentially kicked me in the teeth and hasn't spoken to me since. That betrayal hurt just as much. But I see where wh learned about love. Transactional and conditional.

 

I was easily manipulated by him as well, because I loved him and have for 30 years. I'd never seen this side of him, so it was easy to believe things were my fault. He had a sudden need to be worshipped (disappointment in his own failures in business) and found a source, and I was effectively cut out. But as we all know, it wasn't real or sustaining, or healthy or loving. It was transactional and conditional. She was the path of least resistance at a time when hard work was the answer and he wasn't strong enough to deal with it. The affair didn't prove his virility and sexiness, it proved how weak he was. The strong men walked away from the ow (figuratively or literally), he waltzed in thinking he was all that.

 

I guess people who truly love you, who put your feelings and needs before their own, do not manipulate, do not cause you to walk away with more questions, or say things that you know are patently untrue. In 30 years, I had 2 years where I was treated like that - 8 months of affair, the rest lying about it. The rest of the time I knew I was loved, I felt it completely. If you haven't read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, I highly recommend it.

 

My wh has been in therapy to dig deep about how he allowed himself to make the choices he did, and it's helped. I can stay in the marriage because of that and because he holds himself, not me or the ow, accountable for this disaster. He will tell you now that living authentically, warts and all is so much happier than keeping up his false rich stud act he had going on for the ow.

 

There's a way through all this, but you have to walk through kaka to get there. Be really honest with yourself, all the ugly shameful bits you've been stuffing down, and you'll get there. Good luck.

[Birdies]

I think you have to post 100 times to get PM rights? Once you become a "regular" poster then it happens. I tried to send you one but it's not established yet. So keep posting and contributing and then send me one when you are able.I don't want to thread jack with a big post from me "one year on" type thing!

 

I still hear from Jenkins on and off. Everyone is trying to move on as Midnight has said. Look forward to speaking with you soon!

 

I'm curious how you are too. Followed your story from afar as there were a lot of similarities with how I THOUGHT my A would go (until DDay changed all that). I wonder if youv'e been able to keep your A secret, if you ever have doubts about doing that, and whether/how it's affected your relationship with your husband.

 

Sorry to continue the thread jack and I'm glad you're continuing to move on Midnight

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm curious how you are too. Followed your story from afar as there were a lot of similarities with how I THOUGHT my A would go (until DDay changed all that). I wonder if youv'e been able to keep your A secret, if you ever have doubts about doing that, and whether/how it's affected your relationship with your husband.

 

Sorry to continue the thread jack and I'm glad you're continuing to move on Midnight

 

No need for apologies and I honestly don't care if you thread jack and talk about your own life. There is really next to nothing for me to talk about on my end, other than rehashing the past - which I have done endlessly for over a year.

 

I still think of him and I'm trying to not put all this energy into not thinking about him (what you resist, persists) but at the same time, I don't want to feed it. My FB feed is full of people in their 40s and 50s dying of cancer or heart attacks and what I don't want is bad news one day and to look back and think of how I wasted my life on this.

[deadsoul]

No need for apologies and I honestly don't care if you thread jack and talk about your own life. There is really next to nothing for me to talk about on my end, other than rehashing the past - which I have done endlessly for over a year.

 

I still think of him and I'm trying to not put all this energy into not thinking about him (what you resist, persists) but at the same time, I don't want to feed it. My FB feed is full of people in their 40s and 50s dying of cancer or heart attacks and what I don't want is bad news one day and to look back and think of how I wasted my life on this.

 

MB, when you figure it out, please enlighten me.

 

I have to tell you, cutting off FB and Instagram has been one of the best things I've ever done. I know you can't because of business and sometimes I miss going on it, but I was spending way too much time on it. Funny. Now I've seemed to direct some of that time here.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Posts updating about the members like midnight, Jenkins and grey cloud made me want to post this little nugget...yesterday, I finally decided to throw out the last of the love letters I had saved. It was so anticlimactic. Felt like nothing...no big deal. I still see him in our cars at school drop offs and pick ups, and we wave and smile. But I feel good. Don't want to jinx it, but I do feel pretty good.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'e been trying to understand myself these days. I googled the term my therapist said and there is quite a lot on attachment disorder. There are actually different types too. But they are related to infidelity. I came upon this article - what happens to the OW after the affair ends. They studied 49 woman and all 49 had attachment disorders. It was interesting.

 

The “Other” Side of Infidelity: The Experience of the “Other” Partner, Anxious Love, and Implications for Practitioners.

 

"Research shows that 90% of cheating spouses do not marry their affair partners. Additionally, the cheating spouse often has the option of engaging in couple therapy, which has been shown to help re-build the marriage after an affair. Therefore, 90% of the “other” partners are left without support. Research on the psychological impact of being the “other” person in an adulterous relationship is essentially nonexistent."

 

The ?Other? Side of Infidelity: The Experience of the ?Other? Partner, Anxious Love, and Implications for Practitioners | DePompo | Psychological Thought

[MidnightBlue1980]

Posts updating about the members like midnight, Jenkins and grey cloud made me want to post this little nugget...yesterday, I finally decided to throw out the last of the love letters I had saved. It was so anticlimactic. Felt like nothing...no big deal. I still see him in our cars at school drop offs and pick ups, and we wave and smile. But I feel good. Don't want to jinx it, but I do feel pretty good.

 

I think that is great. But have you explored why this happened? And how to stop it from happening again?

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB, when you figure it out, please enlighten me.

 

I have to tell you, cutting off FB and Instagram has been one of the best things I've ever done. I know you can't because of business and sometimes I miss going on it, but I was spending way too much time on it. Funny. Now I've seemed to direct some of that time here.

 

xmm was not really on FB and never on Instagram. But I can see how it could be bad. But the thing is - in the long run you need to figure out why it happened and how to not let it happen again.

 

The answer to figuring it out does not lie within your mm, it lies within yourself.

 

You are the key.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I think that is great. But have you explored why this happened? And how to stop it from happening again?

 

I have. I have a great therapist. Was seeing her 2x per week, but now just once per week. And I'm on lexapro which helps. Dh and I are communicating much better, being more affectionate, showing more appreciation for each other. When I got into the affair, I was so angry and resentful towards Dh. He and my mom don't respect things about each other and I was torn and he was trying to control me. I took control of myself by having the affair. I got the love, attention, adoration and affection that I was missing at home.

 

I had always kind of felt closer to my mom than to my husband. But now I see that the fact that she had a long term affair and I was aware of it as an adolescent, had a profound effect on me. It kind of normalized the idea of an affair, and since she didn't get caught by my dad, I saw that there aren't necessarily consequences from it. Bad example to set for me.

 

Now I know that I need to communicate my needs to my husband...he is very willing to do what it takes to make me happy. I have worked on making him the primary person in my life instead of my parents.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'e been trying to understand myself these days. I googled the term my therapist said and there is quite a lot on attachment disorder. There are actually different types too. But they are related to infidelity. I came upon this article - what happens to the OW after the affair ends. They studied 49 woman and all 49 had attachment disorders. It was interesting.

 

The “Other” Side of Infidelity: The Experience of the “Other” Partner, Anxious Love, and Implications for Practitioners.

 

"Research shows that 90% of cheating spouses do not marry their affair partners. Additionally, the cheating spouse often has the option of engaging in couple therapy, which has been shown to help re-build the marriage after an affair. Therefore, 90% of the “other” partners are left without support. Research on the psychological impact of being the “other” person in an adulterous relationship is essentially nonexistent."

 

The ?Other? Side of Infidelity: The Experience of the ?Other? Partner, Anxious Love, and Implications for Practitioners | DePompo | Psychological Thought

 

Midnight- LOVED that article! You do not see a lot of studies out there for the OW so this was extremely helpful. Thanks for sharing.

[Taxed]

Midnight- LOVED that article! You do not see a lot of studies out there for the OW so this was extremely helpful. Thanks for sharing.

 

That was a very interesting and helpful article, thank you so much MidnightBlue.

[deadsoul]

Posts updating about the members like midnight, Jenkins and grey cloud made me want to post this little nugget...yesterday, I finally decided to throw out the last of the love letters I had saved. It was so anticlimactic. Felt like nothing...no big deal. I still see him in our cars at school drop offs and pick ups, and we wave and smile. But I feel good. Don't want to jinx it, but I do feel pretty good.

 

I was also wondering about you. Did you end up telling BH? How are things there? Anyway, glad you are feeling good. I hope to one day be at that point.

[deadsoul]

I have. I have a great therapist. Was seeing her 2x per week, but now just once per week. And I'm on lexapro which helps. Dh and I are communicating much better, being more affectionate, showing more appreciation for each other. When I got into the affair, I was so angry and resentful towards Dh. He and my mom don't respect things about each other and I was torn and he was trying to control me. I took control of myself by having the affair. I got the love, attention, adoration and affection that I was missing at home.

 

I had always kind of felt closer to my mom than to my husband. But now I see that the fact that she had a long term affair and I was aware of it as an adolescent, had a profound effect on me. It kind of normalized the idea of an affair, and since she didn't get caught by my dad, I saw that there aren't necessarily consequences from it. Bad example to set for me.

 

Now I know that I need to communicate my needs to my husband...he is very willing to do what it takes to make me happy. I have worked on making him the primary person in my life instead of my parents.

 

oops. Disregard my last comment. I didn't see this when I posted it. Wow... so... I was in your position when I was younger and it has really opened up some thought processes in my head now. I'm not blaming my actions on what my parents did, but I repeated history.