It ended so so badly

[eye of the storm]

Your feelings are valid. I understand that you thought you were in a relationship that had rules. Turns out you were wrong and it hurts.

 

I'm sorry you are suffering.

 

Accept your actions. Stop the involvement with his. You know his sex habits?! I don't even want to know how. But it is no longer your problem. So back away.

 

Look forward, move forward. Take positive actions to get away from him and get healthy. That may mean fixing your M or leaving your M.

 

NC sucks, it isn't easy, but it is necessary. Having an A is easy, it is an escape from reality. But it is time to get back to living in the real world and get back to living an open and honest life.

 

You can do this.

[DKT3]

How is it sick for me not to understand the full ramifications of my actions until I had the experience of trust being broken myself?

 

I suppose in your mind I should have been like "oh well, you promised me you would tell me when you wanted to end our relationship before you had sex with someone else and endangered my health, but I am a cheater myself so I will turn my emotions off and not care." It doesn't work that way, and yes, I gained a deeper understanding of how destructive cheating is to a person's self esteem.

 

I hope we don't scare you off, but you are as evasive a poster here as I have ever seen. Many questions have gone unanswered. I know you likely fear judgement but if you can't face faceless nameless people sitting behind keyboards how can you face your real life....not owning your sh it here doesn't mean it did happen.

[Newmada1]

I think you are bing very naive to think this man who you know cheated on his wife for at least 6 years, has somehow "changed" as soon as you found out your "monogamous" little affair was not as "monogamous" as you thought it was.

My guess is he hasn't "changed" at all, only you have just cottoned on to what he is really like.

He even told you that he is incapable of connecting emotionally with anyone in his life, you were not "special" only one in a long line of his conquests I guess.

Wake up.

It takes a very special breed of man to cheat on a wife who is going through IVF treatment...

 

I didn't bust him cheating. He told me.

[Newmada1]

I hope we don't scare you off, but you are as evasive a poster here as I have ever seen. Many questions have gone unanswered. I know you likely fear judgement but if you can't face faceless nameless people sitting behind keyboards how can you face your real life....not owning your sh it here doesn't mean it did happen.

 

Sorry I am not trying to be evasive it's just that the answers around whether MM ever was with someone else are long and difficult to answer. And not really bearing on what the reality is TODAY.

[imsosad]

Nobody is expecting you not to feel anything. Obviously you are going through a hard time.

Can you really expect monogamy in an affair? His wife assumes he is faithful to her. You know for a fact he disregards this promise. Same goes for you and your husband. What makes you think he will be exclusive with you,when he is not doing so with his wife?

Why are you still married? Six years is no joke. It means that you've been living a double life for ages. I think theway you write reflects this compartmentalization, stand offishness and lack of insight that enables someone to cheat on their partner for years.

You are very devestated for yourself, that you finally realised you bf is a serial cheater. How devestated will your husband be?

How do you feel about the pregnancy? Was it planned? Did you have other children during theaffair?

Your life is a mess. You're focusing on your AP and his cheating, but you have much bigger problems on your hands. You really,really have to get yourself sorted out. You have a baby coming, it's on you to make sure he or she is born in to a stable,healthy environment.

[RecentChange]

Who is the father of the baby?

 

You were actively seeking fertility treatment while cheating on your husband? Is that correct?

 

Did you consider the affect having a long term affair would have on the life of your unborn child?

 

Do you think your husband won't ask for an immediate divorce once he learns the truth?

 

Do you ever plan on telling him the whole truth?

 

Why are you still seeking fertility treatment while your marriage is a lie?

[elaine567]

Who is the father of the baby?

 

You were actively seeking fertility treatment while cheating on your husband? Is that correct?

 

NO, MM's wife (ie the BW), had the IVF, had a child and is now in the process of trying to get pregnant again by IVF.

The OP was just pregnant, she thinks by her husband.

[malvern99]

How is it sick for me not to understand the full ramifications of my actions until I had the experience of trust being broken myself?

 

It's sick because you are trying to use honest human emotions to do dishonest self serving work. Are you insinuating that during your 6 year affair you didn't know that what you were doing was wrong, and that you only figured it out when your AP "cheated" on you? I don't buy that for one second. You knew exactly what you were doing, but you were fine with it because you were getting what you wanted. It was/is all about you. The second that stopped being the case, you suddenly found your empathy and started caring about other people? That seems highly unlikely.

 

I suppose in your mind I should have been like "oh well, you promised me you would tell me when you wanted to end our relationship before you had sex with someone else and endangered my health, but I am a cheater myself so I will turn my emotions off and not care." It doesn't work that way, and yes, I gained a deeper understanding of how destructive cheating is to a person's self esteem.

 

This is just plain hypocrisy. You are angry that your AP broke his "promise" to you? Talk about glass houses! What about the only real promise you made when you married your poor husband? Where does that stand in your little drama? Are you sure you really want to talk about endangering other people's health? Everything your AP did to you you are doing to your husband and child, and they are the only people who you really owe any loyalty to.

 

If you took a step back and read your posts like a stranger would, you would come to a similar conclusion. You are only concerned about yourself and what you want. You can try to fake having suddenly found empathy all you want, but it just sounds hollow when all your posts scream me me me me me me me. I say that not to be harsh, but to give you a different perspective. If you don't find this helpful, by all means ignore it, but until you address these very real issues, you will never be able to move forward and live the authentic life that you want to live. Good luck to you.

[DKT3]

NO, MM's wife (ie the BW), had the IVF, had a child and is now in the process of trying to get pregnant again by IVF.

The OP was just pregnant, she thinks by her husband.

 

Went back and read her posts and she gave no indication of who the father is, only stated that she was absolutely sure who it was, the question then becomes how is that possible...we are all adults here, so if she wants to attempt to convince us she has had 100% safer sex ( because the only truly safe sex is no sex) then it's impossible for her to be certain...one can assume that if she knows it's mm who is the father and since she is evasive about it.

 

Unless MM can't produce, which again she didn't answer.

 

OP if you eat something and throw it back up, you can't pick what comes up and what stays down. This is what your doing here, picking what comes up. The problem is it will all come up even the corn you ate yesterday.

 

You can't compartmentalise the fallout, it's all coming out so you had better be ready.

[malvern99]

And if you read my posts you would have seen I am working on talking to my husband, but first I need to get some therapy. I don't know why some of you lurk on these boards except to insult and shame from a perspective you obviously have never been in. That does not support people to do the right things. And to be perfectly clear the only question which was asked was whether I should ever discuss this with his wife. Which has been eloquently answered by several kind people.

 

Strangers with no dog in the fight are more likely to give you the unvarnished truth you need, not what you want to hear. You can choose to accept it or to ignore it. The first step to fixing a problem is accepting there is a problem. You can't accept there is a problem if you are not willing to be 100% honest. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts, but accepting it will set you free and will light your path forward. I will withdraw from this thread now. Best of luck to you OP.

[RecentChange]

NO, MM's wife (ie the BW), had the IVF, had a child and is now in the process of trying to get pregnant again by IVF.

The OP was just pregnant, she thinks by her husband.

 

OK....

 

So married man is banging mistress while actively trying to get wife pregnant through IVF.

 

Married woman (misstresss) is pregnant, says she knows who the father is, but isn't tell us.

 

Ya know. Because broken homes are ideal situations to bring children into.

 

I say let adults ruin their lives. Lie, cheat, be seedy - just don't bring children into that kind of mess.

 

So unfair, they didn't ask for or make this disaster .

 

Ans the S*** hasn't even hit the fan yet. I don't know that I believe the OP is going to tell her husband. I wonder if he is going to be stuck with another man's kid.

 

Poor dude, quite a wife he has here

[aileD]

I didn't bust him cheating. He told me.

 

Let's just clarify one thing. The only person he's cheating on is his wife. He never cheated on you because you do not have a Relationship. Never did.

[eye of the storm]

Let's just clarify one thing. The only person he's cheating on is his wife. He never cheated on you because you do not have a Relationship. Never did.

 

I disagree with this. Just because they were both cheating doesn't mean it wasn't a relationship. And it doesn't mean she isn't hurting.

 

I am not saying it was healthy or right. But it was, to her, a relationship.

[aileD]

I don't doubt she's hurting, she thought it was real. She needs to get it in her head that it wasn't real. He was not free to give himself to her and she was not free to take him.

 

Mindset is everything. Look from the outside in. She didn't have a love relationship. She had an affair. I'm just trying to get her to take off the rose tinted glasses and call it what it is.

[eye of the storm]

I don't doubt she's hurting, she thought it was real. She needs to get it in her head that it wasn't real. He was not free to give himself to her and she was not free to take him.

 

Mindset is everything. Look from the outside in. She didn't have a love relationship. She had an affair. I'm just trying to get her to take off the rose tinted glasses and call it what it is.

 

She didn't think it was real, to her it was real. His and her freedom have nothing to do with it.

 

I agree mindset is everything. But invalidating her feelings and telling her she had nothing is not right either. Just because something isn't healthy or "right" doesn't mean it isn't real.

 

To recover, she needs to be honest. Part of that honesty is saying, "I was in a relationship. But it was not healthy for me. So I need to make better choices going forward."

 

If it wasn't real, then she has nothing to move on from. She can just continue living her life as it.

[BluesPower]

Newmada1, no judgment here for sure...

 

I have to say though, 8 years and while pregnant, that is up there. Your still not as bad as me, but good try.

 

Sweetie, what do you want to know about your affair and your OM, or your husband.

 

Don't get upset,s some of us, not me, but some will freak out about your story. Even some of the OW and OM will give you are hard time. It is normal, a lot of hurt people.

 

I will tell you as much as you want to know about most of it, but where do you want to start?

 

Your hurting at the end of your affair... normal. It sucks a lot but you will hurt a lot. After 8 years it is going to take a while to get over that.

 

You loved your xMM ...All women, for the most part, do. Sometimes it is real, sometimes it is not... when it is over it really does not matter.

 

You had great sex... god I hope so... most affairs have great sex.

 

Did he really love me... hard to say, probably, but it is always hard to say one way or another.

 

Telling the husband... yes you need to... but you may not have any choice if he divorces you. I would. He may or may not.

 

How will husband take it... He will be destroyed, and it will be like nothing you ever knew you could witness.

 

What else?

[ShatteredLady]

You are so so lucky that you posted in this forum. It's by far the most sympathetic to OW!!! WoW imagine if you'd posted on 'Infidelity' where most of the devastated, destroyed BS (like your H & his W) post!!!

 

Please stick with it. You've used very unfortunate words & given a heartless impression of yourself. If you keep posting you can & work through this.

 

 

Anyway, something interesting....The 2 least likely to cheat men I've ever heard of having affairs did so whilst their wives were undergoing fertility treatments!!

 

I know!! I find it abhorrent...even worse than cheating on a pregnant wife. There must be something psychological about it!?!?!

 

When we had get togethers a friends H would go home to use the toilet!! No kidding! He was too (whatever) to use a friends bathroom!!! How does a man like that end-up having an affair???? How did he manage that when he couldn't even pee in a strange toilet??

 

A short time after giving birth (IVF) she discovered his year long affair with a coworker!

 

My cousins H wouldn't go on vacation because he could only sleep in his own bed. Business trips were hell for him because he never slept! They went through years of fertility treatment & his business trips went from every other year to 6 times a year & he came home rested!!

 

I don't know?!?!? Could this guy be going off the rails? A FATHER & H (& loyal to his mistress for years) saying he can't make emotional connections sounds nihilistic to me.

 

Obviously no excuses. He's a monster. Interesting to think about though.

 

 

OP you have no idea what you are doing to your H. Another good man broken-hearted & bitter because his world is a agonizing lie. Poor, poor man. You think you get-it now but you're not even close!

 

I say tell his W AND your H. My arguments for this can be found on all the "should I tell?" Threads.

Edited October 18, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[jenkins95]

I have to say though, 8 years and while pregnant, that is up there. Your still not as bad as me, but good try.

 

BP. Just want you to know that I love your writing style! We are all hurting here - are damaged and/or have damaged others, and we all try to help each other. No one more so than you.

 

Your posts are always friendly, non judgmental and packed with good advice..... And they never fail to put a smile on my face.

 

Jeez BP, were you really THAT bad? It does intrigue me I must admit!

[BluesPower]

Yes I was. Not proud of it, but it is the truth.

 

Most of it is in some of my posts. I have reformed though.

 

I am much healthier mentally. It took a while. And my last and primary other woman finally hates my guts, as she should.

 

Right at the moment, life is good.

[SnowBaby]

Have you told your husband yet? If you tell his wife, then I would fully expect that she would tell your husband.

 

If that becomes the situation, then you have to expect that the mm will try to pin everything on you. He will say that you chased him, your were the seductress, etc. etc. etc.

 

A woman who has been betrayed, especially one with an infant, will lash out. HE sounds like he has issues. If I were you I would just let him continue to dig his own grave, so to speak. Sounds like a sex addict who wants to cheat. You are better off without him.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Don't want to hijack the thread, but this...

 

 

my last and primary other woman..

 

...in all my misery and sadness, made me laught at myself and my own stupidity of getting into the A.

 

BP - don't get me wrong, as Jenkins pointed out, I really enjoy your posts, and greatly appreciate your insights, advice, and ability to own everything in your past! Glad the life is good.

[anika99]

"I took from your post that both of you are married, that his wife and him are doing IVF and that you cheated on your husband with MM while you yourself were pregnant.

 

Do you understand the levity of that? The dysfunction? And you're upset he is "cheating" on you?. He's a cheater. You know this because he cheated WITH you...he IS cheating with you"

 

Yes everything you stated was correct, except that we are no longer together. I do understand the levity of the situation, the problem with long term affairs is that you become complacent with status quo and it becomes the new normal. Additionally, I believe that affairs of this sort have an addictive quality, as I tried to break it off a couple of times every year and always failed. It's not normal though and not healthy, no amount of amazing sex is worth harming the psyche of my husband, BW or children.

 

With regard to telling BW, thanks for the link and the advice. I don't know if her health is in imminent danger, MM is using safe sex practices with the women he is sleeping with. At any rate, I just don't see myself being the person to tell her.

 

Thanks for the advice and mental clarity. Sorry for the garbled post. I haven't been getting much sleep and it's a convoluted story.

 

He is only practicing safe sex if the women he is sleeping with are making him practice safe sex. His wife is in danger.

[Newmada1]

Went back and read her posts and she gave no indication of who the father is, only stated that she was absolutely sure who it was, the question then becomes how is that possible...we are all adults here, so if she wants to attempt to convince us she has had 100% safer sex ( because the only truly safe sex is no sex) then it's impossible for her to be certain...one can assume that if she knows it's mm who is the father and since she is evasive about it.

 

Unless MM can't produce, which again she didn't answer.

 

OP if you eat something and throw it back up, you can't pick what comes up and what stays down. This is what your doing here, picking what comes up. The problem is it will all come up even the corn you ate yesterday.

 

You can't compartmentalise the fallout, it's all coming out so you had better be ready.

 

My husband is the father of my babies. I know this because 1) my pregnancies were planned and I abstained from any relationship with MM during that time 2) MM and I practiced safe sex otherwise, always and 3) he is not capable of fathering children naturally due to a genetic abnormality.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Newmada1
Spelling

[Newmada1]

It's sick because you are trying to use honest human emotions to do dishonest self serving work. Are you insinuating that during your 6 year affair you didn't know that what you were doing was wrong, and that you only figured it out when your AP "cheated" on you? I don't buy that for one second. You knew exactly what you were doing, but you were fine with it because you were getting what you wanted. It was/is all about you. The second that stopped being the case, you suddenly found your empathy and started caring about other people? That seems highly unlikely.

 

 

 

This is just plain hypocrisy. You are angry that your AP broke his "promise" to you? Talk about glass houses! What about the only real promise you made when you married your poor husband? Where does that stand in your little drama? Are you sure you really want to talk about endangering other people's health? Everything your AP did to you you are doing to your husband and child, and they are the only people who you really owe any loyalty to.

 

If you took a step back and read your posts like a stranger would, you would come to a similar conclusion. You are only concerned about yourself and what you want. You can try to fake having suddenly found empathy all you want, but it just sounds hollow when all your posts scream me me me me me me me. I say that not to be harsh, but to give you a different perspective. If you don't find this helpful, by all means ignore it, but until you address these very real issues, you will never be able to move forward and live the authentic life that you want to live. Good luck to you.

 

Everything about an affair is hypocritical and self serving. My only point is that I don't think it's sick to feel an attachment and affection and yes, trust, for your affair partner. As far as your question to whether it was wrong, I definitely knew it was wrong and tried to break it off repeatedly, but that was directed towards what I was doing to my husband. I didn't let myself think about his wife.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Newmada1
Clarity