Other online alternatives

[normal person]

Well, might as well put that all in the same boat, file that also under the "Other venues or places being approach may not be well received" i.e. the grocery store, bookstore, library or just out in public in general. If it's at grocery, they are like, "I am busy shopping, I don't like being approached while I'm running errands, or be bothered in the coffee shop when reading, etc."

 

It seems women have made it more difficult for men to approach them outside of regular social circles. Of course, it may not be the issue if the guy is attractive to them.

 

There have been situations I actually DID meet the person in real life, though it was briefly at a Meetup or a local party, the result wasn't still well received. I recall last year at a Halloween party that I met a woman there...when I got home, I PM'ed her saying that it was nice meeting her at my friend's Halloween party...she accepted my friends request but was unresponsive to my messages. She would even "Like" my posts, but still be unresponsive. I had to boot her from my list.

 

So it's moot on whether I had met her in real life or not.

 

Here's an analogy. Let's say you want to play basketball, so you call your friends and head down to the court at the park. You're passing the ball around and having fun. Then you see a woman walking by, carrying groceries, on her phone, not paying attention to you, and you then, for some reason, pass the ball to her. It hits her and she drops her bag and is very startled and caught off guard. Do you think this is a normal thing to do?

 

Your friends, like the people who make OLD profiles, are willing participants in the basketball game. They made it clear that they're playing. The woman with the groceries is like someone without an OLD profile who you're just assuming you can throw the ball to, even though she's given you no indication that she wants to play.

 

 

I have this impression that you feel like women are almost obligated to talk to you under some medium, you just haven't found which one it is yet.

 

"They won't answer me on OKCupid or they don't have an OLD profile, so I'll Facebook message them."

"They get uncomfortable if I approach them in the grocery store, so I'll approach them at a party."

etc

 

OLD is great tool. Anyone on there is fair game. People are on there looking for a partner. But just because you've struck out with that doesn't make everyone else who you see suddenly fair game too -- because those other people have given no indication that they wanted to be solicited for dates and whatnot. People have Facebook profiles and things for a variety of reasons and you shouldn't assume one of them is to entertain messages from men they don't know. Just like you shouldn't assume the woman walking by your basketball game wants to have a basketball thrown at her.

 

What you're not really understanding is that if people don't want to go out with you, that's just something you have to accept, until they do. Maybe they just don't want to be bothered. Maybe you forcing yourself into their space, be it real or digital, is not something they want. They don't owe you anything, so maybe you should learn to accept the fact that there might not be anything you can do about it outside of OLD. It can then be very inappropriate and uncomfortable for someone if you don't respect that boundary and try to wedge your way into their space further. It's not their fault OLD hasn't worked for you.

 

Just because you've been unsuccessful doesn't mean you can/should just go out and try and "take" or "force" success elsewhere where it's not really the appropriate forum.

 

Nothing you're doing is "wrong," but that doesn't make it a good idea. You're making the assumption that women won't be uncomfortable by all this or they want to be approached. That's a really steep assumption to make.

 

What's troubling is that you seemingly to want to prioritize your own desires over everyone else's boundaries and comfort.

[Blanco]

I wanted to add whoever said they had friends requests or PM's waiting for them on their end, pretty much shows that I'm not the only guy that that has attempted this and it's not uncommon.

 

Did you happen to note the number of times the word "creep" appeared in that same post?

 

Yes, this may not be an uncommon thing, but that doesn't make it potentially less creepy.

[Blanco]

There have been situations I actually DID meet the person in real life, though it was briefly at a Meetup or a local party, the result wasn't still well received. I recall last year at a Halloween party that I met a woman there...when I got home, I PM'ed her saying that it was nice meeting her at my friend's Halloween party...she accepted my friends request but was unresponsive to my messages. She would even "Like" my posts, but still be unresponsive. I had to boot her from my list.

 

So it's moot on whether I had met her in real life or not.

 

So then why do you think you'd have better success cold-messaging women you've never even met in passing?

[GemmaUK]

I wanted to add whoever said they had friends requests or PM's waiting for them on their end, pretty much shows that I'm not the only guy that that has attempted this and it's not uncommon.

That was me but all but two of those guys were a good 15-20 years younger than me. In my age range (40's) men know just not to do it simply because it's creepy.

The only two who were around my age range were the odd one who I know of IRL and a guy from Australia. I asked our mutual friend who he was and they replied 'he's a creeper, he goes through friends lists for women and mails them'.

 

I have met single men in my real life social circles admit to me that they had certain women on their friends lists only because they thought "she was cute.", otherwise they've never met them outside of that. So it was even normal for him. I met him, he's a cool guy actually, nothing abnormal or creepy about him. He's a single guy doing what single guys do.

This is slightly confusing as you say you know of men and then continue to just talk about one man - but anyway, how on earth would you know if he comes over as creepy or not? You don't even see social cues as being of any importance! Lol!

When I've talked to male friends about creepy guys not one of those friends had any clue that such and such a guy was creepy at all. Creepy or not is in the eye of the recipient - that's just how it is.

 

Believe it or not, I had scored dates this way, so like playing the slots, you'll eventually find a person that would well receive a cold turkey online approach.

So it clearly works for you then? Or did it work when you were much younger?

[LookAtThisPOst]

That was me but all but two of those guys were a good 15-20 years younger than me. In my age range (40's) men know just not to do it simply because it's creepy.

The only two who were around my age range were the odd one who I know of IRL and a guy from Australia. I asked our mutual friend who he was and they replied 'he's a creeper, he goes through friends lists for women and mails them'.

 

 

This is slightly confusing as you say you know of men and then continue to just talk about one man - but anyway, how on earth would you know if he comes over as creepy or not? You don't even see social cues as being of any importance! Lol!

When I've talked to male friends about creepy guys not one of those friends had any clue that such and such a guy was creepy at all. Creepy or not is in the eye of the recipient - that's just how it is.

 

 

So it clearly works for you then? Or did it work when you were much younger?

 

Yes, it's actually worked for me believe it or not, hardly much younger. I started doing this kind of thing in my mid-to-late 30s.

 

Fortune favors the bold. ;-)

[GemmaUK]

Yes, it's actually worked for me believe it or not, hardly much younger. I started doing this kind of thing in my mid-to-late 30s.

 

Fortune favors the bold. ;-)

 

A fair while ago in years though and FB was a lot more open at that point in time. People were much less guarded about their social media than they are now - bit of a different time and world back then!

I think I joined in either 2007 or 2009 and FB was so very different back then!

 

But, if you are so confident it will work now for you now, in your forties and now FB has changed so much why ask the question OP?

Surely you would just be getting on with it and getting dates from those who found you attractive? You are bold so you say - 'fortune favours the bold' - so just do it - but be prepared it may garner so success.

 

Just keep all avenues open, same as the women you see online each time you sign up - they see you too again don't forget - but I have no doubt it's not their sole avenue at any point in time and some of the time like us all they will have other things which they need to focus upon aside from dating.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Funny thing, I had noticed one of my male friends became friends with a lady friend in my area. (I know him in real life). I was wondering how he all of a sudden became her friend.

 

I had asked her and she said she just accepted a friends request from him. Nothing about ever chatting with him. She told me she'll accept friends request from anyone because "I love people and a friendly person".

 

So apparently, some women on FB that embrace complete strangers trying to contact them.

[j_flow]

Don't fall into any traps with Craigslist or Kijiji; avoid those like the plague good sir.

 

I think the key is to be vitally important on whatever site you're using to meet people. I have a friend that used to run the largest guild in WoW (this is like... 4 or 5 years ago, now he's getting married and works full time) and ironically he met a bunch of women this way. I think it was a combination of the type of women who play the game (probably a little more desperate than your average bear) and his position (leader of the largest guild on that server). But straight up he had girls driving and flying from all across North America to stay the weekend with him. So there's definitely a way; you just gotta "crack the meta" as he would say.

Edited October 15, 2016 by j_flow

[normal person]

Funny thing, I had noticed one of my male friends became friends with a lady friend in my area. (I know him in real life). I was wondering how he all of a sudden became her friend.

 

I had asked her and she said she just accepted a friends request from him. Nothing about ever chatting with him. She told me she'll accept friends request from anyone because "I love people and a friendly person".

 

Notice the bolded part.

 

So apparently, some women on FB that embrace complete strangers trying to contact them.

 

"Some women" probably don't mind. I imagine a lot still will.

Also, I think there's a big difference in levels of "contact" between a friend request from a relative stranger and a "embracing" a message from a relative stranger saying "Are you single???" Sometimes I accept friend requests from people I know or might know tangentially, it's not anything meaningful. I think it's a little myopic to apply that logic to this situation. But you seem like you're going to do it anyways despite all the suggestions not to, so what's stopping you? You seem to think like you're right and we're wrong, so give it a crack and let us know it goes.

[GemmaUK]

Funny thing, I had noticed one of my male friends became friends with a lady friend in my area. (I know him in real life). I was wondering how he all of a sudden became her friend.

 

I had asked her and she said she just accepted a friends request from him. Nothing about ever chatting with him. She told me she'll accept friends request from anyone because "I love people and a friendly person".

 

So apparently, some women on FB that embrace complete strangers trying to contact them.

 

OK, fair enough - that is what she does and she is Ok with that.

 

My question to you then is say hypothetically - you are in a relationship with a woman who feels the same about FB or any other social media - are you 100% fine with her adding men to her friends list whom she doesn't actually know IRL or on any basis whatsoever?

[NuevoYorko]

You appear to have trouble attracting women enough that they would like to spend time with you. I suggest that you might want to look within, rather than at dating sites, FB, all the women's profiles that you encounter, etc., for the reasons that might be the case. Then you can work on doing something to improve the situation.

[Harrybarrylarrygary]

Hmmm, I'm not sure about messaging people on Facebook like that. I would think it would be a bit creepy as it's not a dating site.

 

 

I struggle with Online Dating myself. If you're a guy and not tall and/or particularly good looking your options are severely limited. That's just a fact. If that's you, accept it.

 

 

I'm also relatively introverted, but socially confident. You need to play to your strengths. My greatest strength with women is that in groups of about 5 or more I become really very charismatic and funny. I cannot explain why it expresses itself in this way. Faced with one other person I'm pretty quiet. I hate small talk. So I join meetup groups and try to meet women in circumstances where I can be the funny, confident guy. As I've gotten older it's harder because you find these situations less and less. But ask yourself, what kind of forum displays you at your best.

[normal person]

So what are your thoughts after reading all the responses, OP? Are you still going to do it? Or, if you've already done it, how's it been working out for you?

[LookAtThisPOst]

So what are your thoughts after reading all the responses, OP? Are you still going to do it? Or, if you've already done it, how's it been working out for you?

 

Results vary.

 

I'll give you a follow-up as I've discovered I'm not the only male that does this. Though I've just started doing it, I had recently received a couple of positive receptions. One I got her phone #, but she had to go in for a heart operation, so will be out of commission for a while.

 

I chatted with the ladies that were receptive, and it all really depends on the woman actually.

 

Funny story, I was chatting with this local lady, she has over 1,000 friends anyhow and I noticed that one of my male friends...that I know in real life, had added her as a friend.

 

Was HE following my lead? Perhaps trawling FB's, "People you may know" column? I asked her, "Hey, how do you know <my real life friend's name>.

 

She said, "Well, I just accept anyone's friends request, I am a people person...I love people!"

 

I said, "Interesting, some women would be weirded out about it" and she goes, "Nah, no biggie...like I said, I'm a people person."

 

Hmmm, I'm not sure about messaging people on Facebook like that. I would think it would be a bit creepy as it's not a dating site.

 

What's funny is, if you Google, "Dating women on Facebook" or "Approaching women on Facebook" there's more "How to's" as oppose to "how creepy it is to even DO it.", so it sounds like it's moreso encouraged being that it's 2016 and social media is the norm and we're so "out there and exposed." Dating advice Q&A site said that though in the old days of the Internet (or Facebook) that would be off putting, but now...it shouldn't be as shocking.

 

Of course, again, that's an opinion and it all depends on the woman.

Edited October 20, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[ZA Dater]

Try seeking arrangement.

 

You might find the choice far better in terms of looks. Clearly this is a flourishing industry, one must wonder why if dating sites are so successful and dating is so apparently easy.