Reconciliation in-progress: She slept with others during breakup...and I didn't

[Mrin]

Thank you for this! A very informative post that is trying to get at the reason I started this thread.

 

I would love to hear anything more you have to say on the topic and anyone else with similar advice!

 

Sure thing man. Okay, I am going to toss a bunch of brain stuff at you. Try it on and see what fits. But it is really important to understand why you are having such a hard time getting over this and what you can actually do about it.

 

1. The way your brain works is that any idea, memory, concept, etc... is caused by neurons connecting together. The more complex the thing is, the more complex the connection of neurons are. They form networks.

 

2. I want you to think of your brain as a big muscle. As you experience things, learn things etc... you "work out" your brain and create these neural networks.

 

3. These networks are durable baring any brain conditions. If they weren't durable you wouldn't have memory. So, once formed, these networks persist. They want to persist.

 

4. There are different areas of your brain. Basically you can think of it as three brains in one. I'm only going to deal with two of them - your pre-frontal cortex and your limbic brain.

 

5. The pre-frontal cortex is your human brain. This is your logic center. Where you do your reasoning etc...

 

6. Your limbic system is your mammalian brain. This is where your more base instincts are. Like Fight or Flight. Where your threat assessment and reactions take place.

 

7. That was a really hug over simplification of your brain but bear with me. So, have you ever noticed that when you lose your temper or when you say get really scared you can't really think straight? Let's say someone cuts your off on the freeway and you experience road rage. Like reason and logic sort of go out the window? At least for a while? That's because you limbic brain has taken over and you're in that survival mode. You're pre-frontal cortex might be shouting "it isn't that big of a deal" but your limbic brain is in control and all you want to do is kill the guy who cut you off.

 

8. That's an extreme example of what's going on with your girlfriend. These images and sounds and thoughts are triggering your limbic brain. No amount of reason or logic will fix this because your limbic brain doesn't care about that stuff. It just reacts. You see, in your brain you have a bunch of neural networks about your GF and one of them is her having sex with other guys while you were broken up. Yup, these are your images and sounds that you speak of and they're LOADED with emotion. In fact, so much emotion that when you fire that network (by thinking about it) your limbic brain kicks in. Once that sucker it in charge, there is nothing you can really do except try to calm down. Right? That's how your temper works.

 

9. So you basically have a landmine in your brain and every time you or someone else steps on it... BOOM!

 

10. Gee, thanks Mrin. WTF do I do about it? Ok, here's the useful part. Remember when I said your brain is a muscle? Well I want you to imagine what you would do if say your bicep was too big and you wanted to shrink it? What would you do? You'd stop using it. That's kinda how the brain works. Every time you use that particular neural network of your brain it gets stronger and more permanent. If you would just stop using it, it would diminish. Think back to a GF you had long ago that you really cared about. Do you still care about her? As passionately? No. You don't. She, the neural network of her, has diminished in your brain. You can still remember her for sure and maybe have some affinity towards her, but you don't LOVE her like you once did. That's how your brain works.

 

11. So aside from just leaving your GF for two or three years so this network can diminish... what can you do and still be with her? You have to stop using this network. Easier said than done I know. You won't be able to stop thinking about it if if you could you would have done so already. But what you can do is work on not making it mean so much.

 

12. The way you do that is you stop fighting it. When you fight it, you use it. Here, try this. DON'T THINK ABOUT A RED TOMATO. Boom, what did you do? You thought about a red tomato. Ok, seriously, don't think about a red tomato. Boom, you did it again. And again and again. Each time you try to not think about it or get upset that you are thinking about it, you're doing the brain equivalent of pumping iron. You're actually making that network stronger by deliberately trying to make it weaker.

 

13. The only thing you can really do is let the thoughts, images and sounds come and not fight it. Oh sure, you'll be triggered and your limbic system will kick in - just like losing your temper. But what you need to do is just get out of it. You do that by not fighting it. You just let it happen, maybe excuse yourself and don't make it mean anything. You can try distracting yourself when it happens. Like maybe call someone you care about and just have a good conversation. You're brain can't be upset about your GF and be happy to talk to your mom at the same time. Or maybe you give yourself 10 seconds to really feel and experience it all and then after 10 seconds you're done with it. If you were open to it, I'd suggest looking into meditation. Meditation is all about getting out of your limbic brain. Meditation is just an amazing practice to get into for your brain anyhow.

 

14. You will never totally get rid of this network. You can't "fix" it. She can't either. But like your GF from years ago, you can work on decreasing its importance and the effect that it has on your emotions.

 

Let me know if this doesn't make sense.

 

One other thing - you might want to look into the Landmark forum. It is more existentialism and not at all about brain science but the things you're dealing with are exactly what comes up in Landmark all the time. Disclaimer: I've done a bunch of Landmark stuff but I'm not a shill for them.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[BluesPower]

Dude, that is the point, there is nothing to let go of.

 

Like everyone has told you, if you get back with her she will screw you over again like she already has.

 

Really, I am hoping that you will just wake up and realize that this is not a woman that you want to be in a relationship with.

 

It will lead to nothing but heartbreak in the long run, just move on...

[lolablue17]

 

My heart already felt like it was broken...If i were to proceed how do I avoid being "the puppy" as you call it?

 

I feel like I need to keep my distance for a while at least and figure myself out a bit before jumping into anything

 

First you better identify and map the situation correctly. Only then you can plan how to proceed.

 

A break up is legitimate of course. And regret is also understandable. But if she wanted to have her sex\romantic journey, she better had done that for a at least 2 years. Only after a long period she can gain the right wisdom and reliable perspective to know that she really wants you back. You can believe someone who made her journey, learned from it, and now have a better knowledge about what she's looking for in her man.

 

But if she wanted you back so hysterically just after few weeks, it means she's motivated by panic and fears. add the fact that she slept with 3 guys in that short time, is much much worse. Because it implies that maybe this whole break up decision wasn't taken after some deep thoughts about you and her relationship, but more like a whim, a temporary caprice \ desire to sleep with other men.

 

Another disturbing thing is her request to change the break up to a break, while insisting to have sex with others during the break. Try to think, why on earth did she make this odd request. I'll tell you why... She wanted the break, because she suddenly realized that you might move on and she will lose you for ever. So the break was a stupid trick to prevent you from moving on, while she can enjoy other men. She knew that she'll probably want you back very soon, but she still had few guys she wanted to sc***, so she actually in her naive way asked you to wait for her a little until she fulfill some of her desires.

 

All this is not so promising. It means that maybe her decisions aren't so reliable and she can change her mind just like that. But next time she will figure that breaking up with you isn't so crucial, because "hey! I did it once and he came back like a puppy, so the risk is not so frightening."

 

You say you will keep your distance for a while. It's a good instinct, but it also may create the news. She may feel you're distance, will think that you don't love her, and here we go again... round 2.

 

I wouldn't have taken her back because of the reasons I mentioned. Your main argument to stay can be that you're so happy now, why change anything? But you're not so happy because of the sex she made with others. Because your guts sense better than your mind right from wrong.

 

After all being said, If you're mainly happy, than stay. If you're more miserable than happy, you know what to do.

Edited October 13, 2016 by lolablue17

[NTV]

Wait let me get this right... she broke up with you to go bang your friends friends... probably friends too but lied about it... sent you a whole bunch of hateful crap while she was doing it.. and you're wondering if you should give her a second chance???

[bodevan]

Being totally honest, it's not worth it. Coming back from a betrayal is a very long process and it requires a great deal of effort from both. With such a short time invested it would more likely be wise to move on.

 

But since you aren't going to do that here is what you can do.

 

Let it go, accept that it happened, know she can't change it now and watch her actions. I think what your looking for is someone to give you an idea of how to feel safe and comfortable being in this relationship, no one other then her can do that.

 

Trust me, I am definitely wavering on whether or not it is worth it....

 

I agree, I need her to make me feel safe, if this has any chance of working out

[bodevan]

There is no easy way forward. After exiting a delightfully awful push-pull relationship with someone I "loved" myself, I second other voices and advise you to run.

 

You are effectively condoning her coping mechanism when things are bad which is to take a "break" and screw around independently. She got what she wanted and you are left piecing together the why and what happens now? Any sense of a boundary with her concerning physical intimacy has been irrevocably blurred at best and obliterated at worst.

 

This behavior will form a pattern as it's born of bigger issues. You can allow it and it will continue. Or you will end it. You keep asking for advice for you but you must remember infidelity and loony behavior on her part is 100% her choice. You are just the other half who gets to enjoy it. She broke up with you, she slept around. She sent crazy angry texts and forced a confrontation. She's confused and lost... Her actions repeat unhealthy behaviors.

 

How you can cope with this or move forward and remain with her is to approach each day separately as a new opportunity from her. She get's to re-affirm the boundary through good behavior. Anything less than full contrition and remorse from her deserves a breakup from you.

 

Time will fade those thoughts and images. But unlinking love and sex is dangerous. Sex forms a bond which brings two people closer in love. If you try now to separate that link of love and sex you value, will you end up being like her? Able to run away and screw others without care or thought? Is that who you want to be?

 

No, best to preserve your views if they are truly yours and find someone who respects and shares that view. From experience, once you allow transgressions to be ok, you set up a slippery slope battling your own better judgment and principles. Be careful what "love" will make you compromise.

 

Why do we assume the worst? Because many of us here have been burned enough to not repeat obvious patterns which cause pain.

 

Yeah it seems like no matter what it won't be easy... What makes you say "loved"?

 

It hurts because you make a lot of good points. She has been very apologetic about all of it, saying that she feels horrible for hurting me, that she wishes she could take it all back, etc. Do you still think it condones it if she is truly sorry?

 

It's not that I want to unlink them myself, I have had casual sex in the past, and part of me thinks that getting some myself may help me feel better working on things with her

[bodevan]

Sure thing man. Okay, I am going to toss a bunch of brain stuff at you. Try it on and see what fits. But it is really important to understand why you are having such a hard time getting over this and what you can actually do about it.

 

1. The way your brain works is that any idea, memory, concept, etc... is caused by neurons connecting together. The more complex the thing is, the more complex the connection of neurons are. They form networks.

 

2. I want you to think of your brain as a big muscle. As you experience things, learn things etc... you "work out" your brain and create these neural networks.

 

3. These networks are durable baring any brain conditions. If they weren't durable you wouldn't have memory. So, once formed, these networks persist. They want to persist.

 

4. There are different areas of your brain. Basically you can think of it as three brains in one. I'm only going to deal with two of them - your pre-frontal cortex and your limbic brain.

 

5. The pre-frontal cortex is your human brain. This is your logic center. Where you do your reasoning etc...

 

6. Your limbic system is your mammalian brain. This is where your more base instincts are. Like Fight or Flight. Where your threat assessment and reactions take place.

 

7. That was a really hug over simplification of your brain but bear with me. So, have you ever noticed that when you lose your temper or when you say get really scared you can't really think straight? Let's say someone cuts your off on the freeway and you experience road rage. Like reason and logic sort of go out the window? At least for a while? That's because you limbic brain has taken over and you're in that survival mode. You're pre-frontal cortex might be shouting "it isn't that big of a deal" but your limbic brain is in control and all you want to do is kill the guy who cut you off.

 

8. That's an extreme example of what's going on with your girlfriend. These images and sounds and thoughts are triggering your limbic brain. No amount of reason or logic will fix this because your limbic brain doesn't care about that stuff. It just reacts. You see, in your brain you have a bunch of neural networks about your GF and one of them is her having sex with other guys while you were broken up. Yup, these are your images and sounds that you speak of and they're LOADED with emotion. In fact, so much emotion that when you fire that network (by thinking about it) your limbic brain kicks in. Once that sucker it in charge, there is nothing you can really do except try to calm down. Right? That's how your temper works.

 

9. So you basically have a landmine in your brain and every time you or someone else steps on it... BOOM!

 

10. Gee, thanks Mrin. WTF do I do about it? Ok, here's the useful part. Remember when I said your brain is a muscle? Well I want you to imagine what you would do if say your bicep was too big and you wanted to shrink it? What would you do? You'd stop using it. That's kinda how the brain works. Every time you use that particular neural network of your brain it gets stronger and more permanent. If you would just stop using it, it would diminish. Think back to a GF you had long ago that you really cared about. Do you still care about her? As passionately? No. You don't. She, the neural network of her, has diminished in your brain. You can still remember her for sure and maybe have some affinity towards her, but you don't LOVE her like you once did. That's how your brain works.

 

11. So aside from just leaving your GF for two or three years so this network can diminish... what can you do and still be with her? You have to stop using this network. Easier said than done I know. You won't be able to stop thinking about it if if you could you would have done so already. But what you can do is work on not making it mean so much.

 

12. The way you do that is you stop fighting it. When you fight it, you use it. Here, try this. DON'T THINK ABOUT A RED TOMATO. Boom, what did you do? You thought about a red tomato. Ok, seriously, don't think about a red tomato. Boom, you did it again. And again and again. Each time you try to not think about it or get upset that you are thinking about it, you're doing the brain equivalent of pumping iron. You're actually making that network stronger by deliberately trying to make it weaker.

 

13. The only thing you can really do is let the thoughts, images and sounds come and not fight it. Oh sure, you'll be triggered and your limbic system will kick in - just like losing your temper. But what you need to do is just get out of it. You do that by not fighting it. You just let it happen, maybe excuse yourself and don't make it mean anything. You can try distracting yourself when it happens. Like maybe call someone you care about and just have a good conversation. You're brain can't be upset about your GF and be happy to talk to your mom at the same time. Or maybe you give yourself 10 seconds to really feel and experience it all and then after 10 seconds you're done with it. If you were open to it, I'd suggest looking into meditation. Meditation is all about getting out of your limbic brain. Meditation is just an amazing practice to get into for your brain anyhow.

 

14. You will never totally get rid of this network. You can't "fix" it. She can't either. But like your GF from years ago, you can work on decreasing its importance and the effect that it has on your emotions.

 

Let me know if this doesn't make sense.

 

One other thing - you might want to look into the Landmark forum. It is more existentialism and not at all about brain science but the things you're dealing with are exactly what comes up in Landmark all the time. Disclaimer: I've done a bunch of Landmark stuff but I'm not a shill for them.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

Since you have been one of the few that have not been vehemently opposing me working things out with her...can I ask why? Why do you think it is something I should attempt?

 

But thank you so much for this! If I have any questions moving forward, I will be sure to ask. Thanks again!

[bodevan]

First you better identify and map the situation correctly. Only then you can plan how to proceed.

 

A break up is legitimate of course. And regret is also understandable. But if she wanted to have her sex\romantic journey, she better had done that for a at least 2 years. Only after a long period she can gain the right wisdom and reliable perspective to know that she really wants you back. You can believe someone who made her journey, learned from it, and now have a better knowledge about what she's looking for in her man.

 

But if she wanted you back so hysterically just after few weeks, it means she's motivated by panic and fears. add the fact that she slept with 3 guys in that short time, is much much worse. Because it implies that maybe this whole break up decision wasn't taken after some deep thoughts about you and her relationship, but more like a whim, a temporary caprice \ desire to sleep with other men.

 

Another disturbing thing is her request to change the break up to a break, while insisting to have sex with others during the break. Try to think, why on earth did she make this odd request. I'll tell you why... She wanted the break, because she suddenly realized that you might move on and she will lose you for ever. So the break was a stupid trick to prevent you from moving on, while she can enjoy other men. She knew that she'll probably want you back very soon, but she still had few guys she wanted to sc***, so she actually in her naive way asked you to wait for her a little until she fulfill some of her desires.

 

All this is not so promising. It means that maybe her decisions aren't so reliable and she can change her mind just like that. But next time she will figure that breaking up with you isn't so crucial, because "hey! I did it once and he came back like a puppy, so the risk is not so frightening."

 

You say you will keep your distance for a while. It's a good instinct, but it also may create the news. She may feel you're distance, will think that you don't love her, and here we go again... round 2.

 

I wouldn't have taken her back because of the reasons I mentioned. Your main argument to stay can be that you're so happy now, why change anything? But you're not so happy because of the sex she made with others. Because your guts sense better than your mind right from wrong.

 

After all being said, If you're mainly happy, than stay. If you're more miserable than happy, you know what to do.

 

I think the decision to breakup was a long time coming, there were multiple partial breakups over the course of a month, with one finally, where we both agreed it was over, although I did not want to. It sort of built for probably 6 months where I was not treating her well

 

The part about changing it to a break does bother me still. She could have had me back, but for some reason refused....

 

I am pretty miserable right now, but it is not all to do with her. I have a lot of things to sort out personally and everything with her just adds to me avoiding certain things. It is all still very fresh, I asked her if she was with anyone else less than two weeks ago and have been dealing with the ups and downs up having that knowledge...

 

For right now, all I can say is time will tell either way

[bodevan]

any other suggestions??

[NopeNah]

any other suggestions??

 

My advice: Read your post above your last. "She could have had you back but, refused." To me that says it all. She doesn't want you back. Sorry. Time to suck it up and begin NC and moving on with your life without her in it.

[bodevan]

My advice: Read your post above your last. "She could have had you back but, refused." To me that says it all. She doesn't want you back. Sorry. Time to suck it up and begin NC and moving on with your life without her in it.

 

I have no problem with moving on without her if it comes to that. But, right now I am trying to give it a second chance.

 

Why do you say she doesn't want me back? She has been telling me over and over again how sorry she is for hurting me and that she wishes there was a time machine to be able to take it all back

[elaine567]

It's not that I want to unlink them myself, I have had casual sex in the past, and part of me thinks that getting some myself may help me feel better working on things with her

 

She broke up with you in the first place because of "me being a dick to her, criticizing her and unintentionally lowering her self-esteem." so how on earth will sleeping with other women help here?

 

Yes, you may feel vindicated, a bit of revenge sex, great way to get even, but she slept with others whilst you were on a break, you are intending sleeping with others whilst you are supposedly giving her another chance...

 

Doing this is not the answer IF you want her back. BUT if you are moving on then go for it, if it will make you feel better, just make sure you don't go hurting others in your quest to get even.

 

It is a huge mess and sounds like it could just get messier.

Cut your losses and run.

YOU will be doing both of you a huge favour.

[bodevan]

She broke up with you in the first place because of "me being a dick to her, criticizing her and unintentionally lowering her self-esteem." so how on earth will sleeping with other women help here?

 

Yes, you may feel vindicated, a bit of revenge sex, great way to get even, but she slept with others whilst you were on a break, you are intending sleeping with others whilst you are supposedly giving her another chance...

 

Doing this is not the answer IF you want her back. BUT if you are moving on then go for it, if it will make you feel better, just make sure you don't go hurting others in your quest to get even.

 

It is a huge mess and sounds like it could just get messier.

Cut your losses and run.

YOU will be doing both of you a huge favour.

 

I guess the problem I am facing is that before I asked her if she slept with anyone, I felt like myself around her the first couple of times we saw each other after reconnecting. After asking her I have felt really hurt. I want to mend that hurt and also move forward with her.

 

It isn't about revenge to me. It is about feeling less uptight about sex I think. I am still working through how I feel about it. She seems like she is willing to work through what needs to happen to make it work this time around, even if that is me being with others before us moving forward together.

 

I agree that it is a mess. But through this mess I am learning a lot about myself, as is she, and we are each learning a lot about each other.

[BluesPower]

It is your decision, but here is the deal, she paused the "Breakup/break" so that she could still screw other guys, initially without your knowledge.

 

If she was really concerned about you, and your relationship, she would not have done that. It just does not bode well for the future between the two of you.

 

If you are a mess emotionally, dude, she is much worse. I think you are setting yourself up for some real heartache.

 

That is the reason that most of the posters here are telling you to run, get out now and other things like that.

 

No one can make you of course. But, if you think you love her and you are will to eat the **** sandwich, well of course that is your choice.

 

It would be nice when she screws you over again, if you would come back and tell us so we know if we were right or not.

 

I do wish you good luck.

[bodevan]

It is your decision, but here is the deal, she paused the "Breakup/break" so that she could still screw other guys, initially without your knowledge.

 

If she was really concerned about you, and your relationship, she would not have done that. It just does not bode well for the future between the two of you.

 

If you are a mess emotionally, dude, she is much worse. I think you are setting yourself up for some real heartache.

 

That is the reason that most of the posters here are telling you to run, get out now and other things like that.

 

No one can make you of course. But, if you think you love her and you are will to eat the **** sandwich, well of course that is your choice.

 

It would be nice when she screws you over again, if you would come back and tell us so we know if we were right or not.

 

I do wish you good luck.

 

Here's the thing...I began to ignore her after she came to me asking to turn it into a break. She took that as me moving on and going after new people, so she in turn did that too. I think people attempt to move on in different ways.

 

The arguments you make could also be made towards me in the last few months of our relationship before the breakup. I did not sleep with anyone, but I did not treat her well (I kicked her out multiple times over stupid things, was really cold and dismissive in other ways, and had no real interest in working on things that were bothering her) That is the reason I am trying to work through this.

 

I am sorry for what has happened to people in this forum in the past, but that does not make everyone's situation the same. If two people recognize where they have screwed up and made mistakes and both are willing to honestly work threw them, then I believe things like this can be moved past together.

 

Thank you for your concern and the wish of good luck. It helps to hear both the optimistic and also the negative opinions of my situation

[kendahke]

I ask her if she slept with anyone while we were apart (it was something I wanted to get out in the open sooner than later)

I get the answer I didn't want, she slept with three people that are friends of friends

She says she felt unwanted by me and thought that I had already moved on and replaced her

 

Hmmm... I remember back when my ex cheated on me and we broke up. I felt unwanted as he really did replace me and moved on. However, the difference between your girlfriend and me is that I didn't go find 3 guys to have sex with. Not that I wanted my ex back, but still--my feelings weren't so shallow to begin with that it was that easy to turn my intent towards finding someone new to have sex with. I worked on those feelings with a lot of therapy and working on myself and my life, not by distracting myself with meaningless sex.

 

Nah... this excuse doesn't wash with me. It says that she has no self-discipline. She lashes out instead of sitting with unpleasant feelings and processing them in an emotionally healthy manner.

 

The arguments you make could also be made towards me in the last few months of our relationship before the breakup. I did not sleep with anyone, but I did not treat her well (I kicked her out multiple times over stupid things, was really cold and dismissive in other ways, and had no real interest in working on things that were bothering her) That is the reason I am trying to work through this.

 

This is broken. I wouldn't go back. Exes are exes for a reason.

[elaine567]

She seems like she is willing to work through what needs to happen to make it work this time around, even if that is me being with others before us moving forward together.

 

This is not a good plan, don't do it IF you want her back. She already will harbour a lot of resentment towards you for the way you treated her badly before, which will I guess become apparent again once she gets over this "desperate to have you back" phase and she starts to really think about it. Wronged women rarely forget completely.

If you give her more reason to hate you by sleeping with other women now, this will never work in a million years.

I know it is a bit clichéd but two wrongs never make a right.

[dumbass2]

Do you trust her?

[Logo]

This:

 

With this much water under the bridge I wouldn't move past it, I'd move past her.

But hey, that's just me. To my mind she just wanted to get out and exercise her lady-bits because you were just a little too much of the same-old same-old. Now that that's out of the way it's back to old Mr. Reliable, till the next time.

 

And this:

 

The fact that she had sex with 3 different guys just because she felt unwanted and replaced is telling of her personality. Not that she cared or was falling for them; she gave them her body just because she felt unwanted. Hmmm, what will happen if you ever make her feel unwanted again? Not relationship material, but a very needy woman.

 

I would run away from her if I were you. Save your soul, save yourself the agony, the heartache, the pain, the anxiety, the headache and the drama.

 

But if you want to learn from your own mistakes in life, by all means; Go for it. Invest in her and take her back.

 

I just got out of a relationship with a woman who had insecurities, but was also a narcissist. She cheated, meanwhile she wanted to have me around because she knew I was marriage material. She played the guilt card until I was onto her. Luckily I wasn't buying the BS by the time she started her speech.

 

Think with your head, not with your heart or your d***.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Logo

[Logo]

I don't know. Those thoughts have crossed my mind, but she comes off genuine, if overly emotional and confused at times.

.

 

Mine was just like that. She came off as sincere and a damsel in distress. She conveniently developed amnesia when it suited her and remembered minute details when it suited her. She cried, too.

 

Please don't fall for it.

[bodevan]

This is not a good plan, don't do it IF you want her back. She already will harbour a lot of resentment towards you for the way you treated her badly before, which will I guess become apparent again once she gets over this "desperate to have you back" phase and she starts to really think about it. Wronged women rarely forget completely.

If you give her more reason to hate you by sleeping with other women now, this will never work in a million years.

I know it is a bit clichéd but two wrongs never make a right.

 

To me right now the biggest hurdle is that I don't feel like myself around her after finding out what happened. It could be that it is still fresh, I'm not sure.

 

The way I look at it is not two wrongs making a right, but more about me feeling like myself again, which would improve the way I feel about salvaging this.

[bodevan]

Do you trust her?

 

Her answering my question about if she slept with others truthfully went a long way in showing her that she is willing to be honest with me no matter how difficult it may be and what might follow the truth.

[bodevan]

This:

 

 

 

And this:

 

 

 

I would run away from her if I were you. Save your soul, save yourself the agony, the heartache, the pain, the anxiety, the headache and the drama.

 

But if you want to learn from your own mistakes in life, by all means; Go for it. Invest in her and take her back.

 

I just got out of a relationship with a woman who had insecurities, but was also a narcissist. She cheated, meanwhile she wanted to have me around because she knew I was marriage material. She played the guilt card until I was onto her. Luckily I wasn't buying the BS by the time she started her speech.

 

Think with your head, not with your heart or your d***.

 

I am definitely still going back and forth in my head. I am reluctant to invest anything at all right now to be honest.

 

Sorry to hear what you have been through.

How did she play the guilt card and what made you feel like you were "onto her"?

[bodevan]

Mine was just like that. She came off as sincere and a damsel in distress. She conveniently developed amnesia when it suited her and remembered minute details when it suited her. She cried, too.

 

Please don't fall for it.

 

Again, if you wouldn't mind could you delve a little deeper into this?

 

About the damsel in distress, amnesia, and certain details, etc...

 

Thank you

[BluesPower]

I hope he does give more info...

 

But I can help you with some of it myself.

 

If you have not figured it out, you suffer from a little bit of the white night syndrome. Some call it being a rescuer, some call it plain codependency.

 

I used to suffer from it myself. You want to rescue women that are damaged, because "YOU" can save them. With enough love from you they will get well, and they will love you for your love and dedication to them. Yeah, it just does not work that way.

 

"White Nights" feel the to need to help women like this because they are a "Damsel in Distress". It just never works.

 

Been there done that. The thing is that you cannot fix any of these women until they become self aware enough to want to fix themselves.

 

This is why everyone is trying to tell you to run.

 

Google white night and read up on it...