Radarsat Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Hello all, It's been a little while since I've been on here but I'm struggling again with elements of my separation with my ex. I was the one who was "asked" to leave by her. So I got an apartment. I have my kids every other week 50/50 custody. When we split, we agreed that for as long as she was in the house, no future partner of hers would be visiting her or the kids at our matrimonial home. Due to various circumstances, I still have property there and the bed I slept in is still her bed that she uses. On Friday, she texts me saying that she's introducing the kids to her boyfriend, which she managed to find 2 months after splitting with me. We split in August of 2015. I told her that's fine as she told me 2 months ago or so that it was coming up. But I asked her where and she said the house. I called her and told her that I was not happy about that and it was against the verbal agreement we had. She told me that she had no other choice as he doesn't have a place to live anymore (living with his parents). I told her that I would call the police initially as I don't want a stranger around my property. I eventually calmed down and told her to do what she wants but that I was appalled that she would break our commitment and also confuse our kids with another man in the family home. She called me later that night saying that she was rethinking bringing him but wanted to know if I would really create a scene if she did have him over. I told her that I already said I wouldn't anymore and that she can do it if she wants but I'd be appalled. She said, " you already told me that." Then she hung up. Picked my kids up on Sunday like usual for the week and turns out he came. The guy gave my kids colouring books, played with them in my back yard, tucked them in, tickled them apparently, and took them all out for breakfast. My son told me he wants him to stay over every night and my daughter said she'd prefer to stay in one house. I'm heart broken and I'm contemplating handing over custody to her so they can have the full family she and the kids want. And the guy is obviously game.
The_Onceler Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. Truly. Upon reading your post, my initial thought was, "No, no NO!" Your kids are, what, 8 and 5? So are mine. I also have 50/50 shared custody. Typically, one of the first things that they will say to me when I pick them up is, "I miss Mommy." Yes, it breaks my heart a little, but once I stop to think of it, I find that there is no reason to be upset. Kids at that age have no filter. They are with me, in the family home (their mother moved out), but their mother is absent. It is only natural that they feel that absence, thus they feel that they miss her. And they tell me what they are feeling because I am their dad. That means that I am somebody that they can open up to, somebody who they know cares about their feelings, and somebody who they hope will want to help them to feel better. In your case, it is only natural that the kids would enjoy a nice, friendly, NEW man who brings them toys, plays with them, tucks them in. And the fact that he does so in a place that the kids think of as "home" can only appeal to their desire to have things as they used to be. But they are in the "honeymoon phase" with the other man - he may be a great guy, but he won't always bring gifts, won't always have time to play, won't always be new... Also, on some level, having him there in place of you is akin to kissing your sister. Sure, its a girl, but it isn't quite right... No matter what comes of this new relationship that your ex has with her boyfriend, no matter how good he is with the kids, your children will suffer and be worse off for your absence. You are their father. No matter who else is in their lives, they will ALWAYS crave your love and attention and acceptance and support. Trust me, I have lived it. Please, please, please - do not do anything rash with regard to custody or being in the lives of your children.
JewelD Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 You should be happy that this man is actually being good to them. There are plenty of people with horror stories about their mother's bfs/stepfathers who could't care less about them. I think you're being a bit dramatic as far as giving custody over. You have to accept the fact that they're probably going to have a stepfather at some point, just as you will probably find a woman you love and want her to be a part of their lives as well. It doesn't have to be a competition, they know who their parents are. I also think it's a bit ridiculous to say your ex can't have any partners in the home. But you can have every Sue and Sally in your apartment right? Would it be better if she took the kids to her partner's home all the time? I imagine you'd still have a problem with that so it's not just the 'property' aspect, it's another man being in your ex and kids' life. She has every right to move on and decide who is suitable to be around her children, just as you do. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I'm heart broken and I'm contemplating handing over custody to her so they can have the full family she and the kids want. And the guy is obviously game. Slow down, my friend. You've arrived at this conclusion based on one visit by the ex's new BF? You have every reason in the world to be hurt, tough pill to swallow. But you also have a responsibility to your kids to man up and be a proactive and effective part of their lives. The tough love part of this is that it isn't about you or your feelings, it's about your children and what they need to handle a transition that's difficult for them too. Grieve on your own time, no one would fault you. But put your game face on and be there for them. They need you more than ever... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Radarsat Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 ...I also think it's a bit ridiculous to say your ex can't have any partners in the home. But you can have every Sue and Sally in your apartment right? Would it be better if she took the kids to her partner's home all the time?... You, like most people I've talked to, have missed the point entirely. This was OUR home. And still is. My apartment is mine. I've told her and she agreed that she can get her own place anytime she wants (house is going up for sale soon). We both agreed not to bring a partner into that house. She could absolutely take the kids to his place. It's not my place or hers. She promised me a man would never be in that home. And she broke the promise. Thanks for your input.
Author Radarsat Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Grieve on your own time, no one would fault you. But put your game face on and be there for them. They need you more than ever... Mr. Lucky How do you figure? The kids themselves have said they loved him and want him to stay over every night.
JewelD Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 You, like most people I've talked to, have missed the point entirely. This was OUR home. And still is. My apartment is mine. I've told her and she agreed that she can get her own place anytime she wants (house is going up for sale soon). We both agreed not to bring a partner into that house. She could absolutely take the kids to his place. It's not my place or hers. She promised me a man would never be in that home. And she broke the promise. Thanks for your input. It's not a difficult point to miss. Regardless of what you agreed to, she lives there now. You don't. It's a sentimental promise and you're not in a relationship so I'm surprised you actually expected her to abide by it over a year later. and like you said, the house is going up for sale soon so who is really being negatively impacted by this boyfriend visiting except you? Your kids obviously enjoyed it. Your main issue is with this other man. He comes over one night and you're ready to give up custody. The responsible thing to do would be to sit down like a man and meet this new guy. Learn about the people your kids are going to be around instead of being jealous. 2
Author Radarsat Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 It's not a difficult point to miss. Regardless of what you agreed to, she lives there now. You don't. It's a sentimental promise and you're not in a relationship so I'm surprised you actually expected her to abide by it over a year later. and like you said, the house is going up for sale soon so who is really being negatively impacted by this boyfriend visiting except you? Your kids obviously enjoyed it. Your main issue is with this other man. He comes over one night and you're ready to give up custody. The responsible thing to do would be to sit down like a man and meet this new guy. Learn about the people your kids are going to be around instead of being jealous. Zero compassion I see. Thanks for insinuating that I'm not a man. I certainly would never sleep with another woman I was seeing in her house, on her matress that she shared with her former husband. It's disgusting. It has zero to do with jealousy. This guy has been around for a year now.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 How do you figure? The kids themselves have said they loved him and want him to stay over every night. Listen Radarsat, I get it. I was divorced when my son was young and, even though my ex never remarried, there was soon an "Uncle Wally" on the scene. Difficult to accept when the feelings are still so raw. But I quickly came to understand anything he added didn't take away from me. It's not a competition, I'm my son's father and always will be. If you focus on spending meaningful time with your kids as you work to establish a new norm, other things begin to pale in comparison. As I said before, you're trying to make this about you. Based on my experience, that's a mistake... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Radarsat Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Listen Radarsat, I get it. I was divorced when my son was young and, even though my ex never remarried, there was soon an "Uncle Wally" on the scene. Difficult to accept when the feelings are still so raw. But I quickly came to understand anything he added didn't take away from me. It's not a competition, I'm my son's father and always will be. If you focus on spending meaningful time with your kids as you work to establish a new norm, other things begin to pale in comparison. As I said before, you're trying to make this about you. Based on my experience, that's a mistake... Mr. Lucky You've been very kind Mr. Lucky. I sense that and thank you. But how am I making this about me? I really am wondering. I want a stable "normal" family for these kids. They remind me countless times about how they hate going back and forth to two places. I realize it's one night, but my kids are crazy shy with new people, and if he's been able to befriend them over one day then they will continue to love him. It won't be a "honeymoon" phase as suggested. I could still have them every other weekend or such. Look, I won't make any rash decisions. It's just something I'm thinking about. He hasn't moved in yet, but I suspect within 6 months or so when she gets her new place. Maybe then I can decide. Have any other fathers done this? Would be interested in hearing some more feedback.
JewelD Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Zero compassion I see. Thanks for insinuating that I'm not a man. I certainly would never sleep with another woman I was seeing in her house, on her matress that she shared with her former husband. It's disgusting. It has zero to do with jealousy. This guy has been around for a year now. Lord, no one said you weren't a man. The compassion and concern should be for your children, not your ex sleeping with some man on a mattress that's probably going in the trash when she moves out. I'm just saying you need to get over your jealousy and focus on being a part of your kids' life, regardless of their relationship with this new man or your ex's relationship with him. and from your other thread, you just ended a relationship with a new woman. Even more reason why you shouldn't be upset about your ex moving on, regardless of where it's happening.
Author Radarsat Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Even more reason why you shouldn't be upset about your ex moving on, regardless of where it's happening. She's been with him for over a year now!! I'm well over that aspect. It's the respect of our joint home. I realize you don't believe me. That's fine. But you know what, you're not the only one. No one seems to get me, so I guess it is just me. Perhaps you're all right. It's just a house and property. The kids don't need to worry about another man being in the home their daddy was in.
JewelD Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 She's been with him for over a year now!! I'm well over that aspect. It's the respect of our joint home. I realize you don't believe me. That's fine. But you know what, you're not the only one. No one seems to get me, so I guess it is just me. Perhaps you're all right. It's just a house and property. The kids don't need to worry about another man being in the home their daddy was in. It's not about believing your feelings. I'm just showing you the logic. By saying she can't have have future partners in the home, you're just making it more difficult for her to build a relationship. The home is going to be gone soon anyway. If the fear is being forgotten or replaced, then the house has little to do with it or you would be more upset about the fact that it's going to be sold, not this man visiting. He didn't even move in, he just came for a visit and was kind to your kids. You'll probably feel better if you look at the positives of the situation. Your kids are happy, their mother is happy. No one seems to be trying to disrespect or hurt you. You should take a look at some of the stories with ex's who move terrible partners into their home who don't even like the kids. Or exes who move multiple people in and out of the kids' lives like clockwork. Maybe it's not the situation you wanted, but it could be so much worse.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 You've been very kind Mr. Lucky. I sense that and thank you. But how am I making this about me? I really am wondering. I want a stable "normal" family for these kids. They remind me countless times about how they hate going back and forth to two places. I realize it's one night, but my kids are crazy shy with new people, and if he's been able to befriend them over one day then they will continue to love him. It won't be a "honeymoon" phase as suggested. I could still have them every other weekend or such. Look, I won't make any rash decisions. It's just something I'm thinking about. He hasn't moved in yet, but I suspect within 6 months or so when she gets her new place. Maybe then I can decide. Radarsat, I can only speak for me. I would never have voluntarily given up time with my son, felt I had much to give to him - and he to me. He's an adult now with his own kids, we're close to this day. The decision isn't binary, it's not you or the BF. As you said, take your time and let things settle. Emotionally, you've got a lot on your plate... Mr. Lucky
Author Radarsat Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 It's not about believing your feelings. I'm just showing you the logic. By saying she can't have have future partners in the home, you're just making it more difficult for her to build a relationship. The home is going to be gone soon anyway. If the fear is being forgotten or replaced, then the house has little to do with it or you would be more upset about the fact that it's going to be sold, not this man visiting. He didn't even move in, he just came for a visit and was kind to your kids. You'll probably feel better if you look at the positives of the situation. Your kids are happy, their mother is happy. No one seems to be trying to disrespect or hurt you. You should take a look at some of the stories with ex's who move terrible partners into their home who don't even like the kids. Or exes who move multiple people in and out of the kids' lives like clockwork. Maybe it's not the situation you wanted, but it could be so much worse. Since the house is being sold soon, ever question why she couldn't have just waited a bit more? Guess it doesn't matter does it. It's done. I sincerely hope you haven't nor ever will go through what I'm going through.
JewelD Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Since the house is being sold soon, ever question why she couldn't have just waited a bit more? Guess it doesn't matter does it. It's done. I sincerely hope you haven't nor ever will go through what I'm going through. Does that really seem fair to you? That she 'wait a little bit' to spare your feelings? Meanwhile you're having your own separate relationship with no limitations set forth by your ex wife. But you're obviously not in a place to consider anyone else's feelings in the situation but your own. Good luck!
Author Radarsat Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 Does that really seem fair to you? That she 'wait a little bit' to spare your feelings? Meanwhile you're having your own separate relationship with no limitations set forth by your ex wife. But you're obviously not in a place to consider anyone else's feelings in the situation but your own. Good luck! Im not preventing her from having a relationship. I just asked that my home remain respected, which she agreed on 1
KBarletta Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I think Mr. Lucky has offered good advice here, from his own experience. I would agree that you should not hand over custody based on a short amount of time with the new guy. Who knows what the future could hold for him? He may stick around forever, or be gone in six months. If you give up custody and he takes off, where does that leave you? Your kids? My advice would be to continue the arrangement you have. Your kids need you, whether there's a new guy in the picture or not. And you need them. I wish you the best. I am going through a similar situation, though farther down the road than you. My ex lives with our daughter and another guy (in a new home - not our marital home). But nothing he did could ever make me want to spend less time with my daughter. Best to you, my friend. I am sure you're hurting. I just hope you don't make any rash decisions. KTB 1
lolablue17 Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 If it was a one time event, you can dismiss it. But tell her that you're hurt and it was the last time you give your consent to that. If she insists on him moving in, than you have all the right to make a scene. Never involve the police. just remind her the agreement, and that your moving out was based on that agreement.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 I sincerely hope you're not serious about giving up custody. How are your kids going to feel when they think Daddy just walked away because he's mad at Mommy? Not fair and totally not necessary. Don't punish them for this; they didn't do anything to deserve that.
Author Radarsat Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 Thanks for the replies everyone. I realize after two nights of better sleep that I'm probably being unreasonable. I still cannot believe (even though some people think it's totally normal) that she brought him into our house. Yes OUR house. But the kids like him and I guess that is better than an abusive boyfriend. I guess some are right though, I'll admit it, I'm having a terrible time with another man becoming a part of my kids lives. I don't want to share. But I guess I have to be a "man" about this.
KBarletta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Thanks for the replies everyone. I realize after two nights of better sleep that I'm probably being unreasonable. I still cannot believe (even though some people think it's totally normal) that she brought him into our house. Yes OUR house. But the kids like him and I guess that is better than an abusive boyfriend. I guess some are right though, I'll admit it, I'm having a terrible time with another man becoming a part of my kids lives. I don't want to share. But I guess I have to be a "man" about this. Remember this: Your kids are going to have plenty of people who come in and out of their lives over the years - boyfriends, teachers, co-workers, friends, etc. You will have to share their attention with all of these people. But it's important to remember that none of them will have what you have, because NONE of them will be their dad.
Author Radarsat Posted October 12, 2016 Author Posted October 12, 2016 Remember this: Your kids are going to have plenty of people who come in and out of their lives over the years - boyfriends, teachers, co-workers, friends, etc. You will have to share their attention with all of these people. But it's important to remember that none of them will have what you have, because NONE of them will be their dad. Perhaps you're right. But you know what my 5 year old son said to me last night? "_____ (his name) is better than you daddy". Broke my heart.
planning4later Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Listen Radarsat, I get it. I was divorced when my son was young and, even though my ex never remarried, there was soon an "Uncle Wally" on the scene. Difficult to accept when the feelings are still so raw. But I quickly came to understand anything he added didn't take away from me. It's not a competition, I'm my son's father and always will be. If you focus on spending meaningful time with your kids as you work to establish a new norm, other things begin to pale in comparison. As I said before, you're trying to make this about you. Based on my experience, that's a mistake... Mr. Lucky All true. But for the OTHER party, they don't always think that way. YOU may be the mature one who doesn't engage in pissing contests, but THEY will still piss all over you.
KBarletta Posted October 12, 2016 Posted October 12, 2016 Perhaps you're right. But you know what my 5 year old son said to me last night? "_____ (his name) is better than you daddy". Broke my heart. I'm sorry Radarsat. That is not an easy thing to hear, I am sure. But remember that he is 5 and recognize that that feeling is temporary. And perhaps use it as motivation not to withdraw but to be a better father. I know it's a hard situation, and I feel for you, but the answer isn't to pull back, even though that is your first motivation when you get your heart broken like that. I wish you luck.
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