John25 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 (edited) Hi guys, I need some help here. I'm 25 and she's 27. We're dating for a year now. The other day she started asking me if it would be possible to let her ex come over to her house and stay for a week (he lives in a different country now from me and her). I basically moved to her apartment a couple of months ago (even though I'm still paying the rent in another house), so what she's asking me to do is to grab my stuff, go to my apartment for a week so that she can stay with her ex. The reason is because she misses him. They remained like friends of some sort and she always wants to see him from time to time. I said I'm not okay with this situation and she started to accuse me that I don't care about her happiness, because she's suffering by missing her ex and I'm the one who's not agreeing to let her stay with him just for a week (what about me suffering for her desire to stay with her ex for a week?) I also want to clarify that I'm not worried about her cheating on me, because I trust her enough to know she won't do it, even if she sleeps in the same bed with her ex for a week. But that's not the point. I don't know why I should agree on something like this. Also, I don't know why she's trying to make me feel bad about saying no to her. She's the one who wants to stay with another man for a week, not me. What do you guys think? Thanks! Edited October 11, 2016 by John25
Zahara Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 What?!?! You must be extremely naive or you've lost your b****. 10
Toodaloo Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 What do you guys think? Thanks! I think you need to move out and let the ex stay and not move back in after he has gone. She has shown a really big problem she has with respect and boundaries and on top of that is blaming you? Urgh this is so wrong on so many levels. So let her have the ex. Its what she wants. But move on and find someone who has more respect for you. 6
DKT3 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Hi guys, I need some help here. I'm 25 and she's 27. We're dating for a year now. The other day she started asking me if it would be possible to let her ex come over to her house and stay for a week (he lives in a different country now from me and her). I basically moved to her apartment a couple of months ago (even though I'm still paying the rent in another house), so what she's asking me to do is to grab my stuff, go to my apartment for a week so that she can stay with her ex. The reason is because she misses him. They remained like friends of some sort and she always wants to see him from time to time. I said I'm not okay with this situation and she started to accuse me that I don't care about her happiness, because she's suffering by missing her ex and I'm the one who's not agreeing to let her stay with him just for a week (what about me suffering for her desire to stay with her ex for a week?) I also want to clarify that I'm not worried about her cheating on me, because I trust her enough to know she won't do it, even if she sleeps in the same bed with her ex for a week. But that's not the point. I don't know why I should agree on something like this. Also, I don't know why she's trying to make me feel bad about saying no to her. She's the one who wants to stay with another man for a week, not me. What do you guys think? Thanks! After almost 20 years dating and being married I felt the same way, as do most bf/husbands, she wouldn't/won't cheat on me. Of course it's true until she does. The fundamental issue here is she doesn't empathize with your position, after a year that's not ok.
SammySammy Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 You're naive if you think she won't sleep with him. And you shouldn't allow yourself to be anyone's second choice. If she chooses her ex (which she clearly has), let her have him. Find someone who chooses you over anyone else. 5
Author John25 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 If she chooses her ex (which she clearly has), let her have him. That's what I said to her. "If you want to stay with him, you can just tell me". Her reply was "do you see him around here? I'm giving everything to you and I want to stay with him just for a week. I barely speak with him over the phone. If I really wanted to stay with him, you wouldn't be here with me now." ...
Vado Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 From a logical (and not a feeling) point of view: is the house big enough for three people to stay in? If yes and she doesn't want to cheat on you, than why do you have to leave? What does she wants to do with her ex? 5
smackie9 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 She might cheat she may not....either way it's inappropriate to do something like this when you are in a committed relationship, especially when asked to move out . She isn't considering your feelings or anything.......The best solution is to keep your apartment and part ways. No v@%*&@ is worth that....none. Kick to curb. 3
Author John25 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 From a logical (and not a feeling) point of view: is the house big enough for three people to stay in? If yes and she doesn't want to cheat on you, than why do you have to leave? What does she wants to do with her ex? Her ex doesn't know she has another man in her life. She always feared he'd never speak to her again if she comes to know something like this. She wants to keep him as a friend and because of that she has no intention to tell him about me. I didn't care in the beginning, but now that I should leave because of him, I'm starting to care... 1
VeveCakes Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 She "misses" him? Too bad, she has a boyfriend, its totally inappropriate and kind of crazy she thinks you should just accept this. 4
SammySammy Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 That's what I said to her. "If you want to stay with him, you can just tell me". Her reply was "do you see him around here? I'm giving everything to you and I want to stay with him just for a week. I barely speak with him over the phone. If I really wanted to stay with him, you wouldn't be here with me now." ... She doesn't have to tell you anything. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what she's doing. Not what she's saying. The bottom line is she wants you to leave so she can stay with an ex. You should do just that. Leave and don't look back. 3
Toodaloo Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 That's what I said to her. "If you want to stay with him, you can just tell me". Her reply was "do you see him around here? I'm giving everything to you and I want to stay with him just for a week. I barely speak with him over the phone. If I really wanted to stay with him, you wouldn't be here with me now." ... She is giving everything to you? Erm no she is not. She is kicking you out of what is now supposed to be your home so she can shag her ex for a week. She is still emotionally tied to him so she isn't giving you and commitment. She is not showing any respect for your feelings or keeping appropriate boundaries with the ex. You know when I last spoke to my ex? BY ANY MEANS... 3 flipping years ago when I dropped off the last of his stuff. Your girlfriend needs to be your ex... pack your stuff go back to your apartment and do not bother to speak to her again. You could always leave a lovey big picture of your grinning face taped to the bedroom ceiling just for effect... 1
Toodaloo Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Her ex doesn't know she has another man in her life. She always feared he'd never speak to her again if she comes to know something like this. She wants to keep him as a friend and because of that she has no intention to tell him about me. I didn't care in the beginning, but now that I should leave because of him, I'm starting to care... Dear God this gets worse. So she doesn't even acknowledge your presence... Girl has issues. Let her deal with them. 2
Vado Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 After all I read, including OP's replies, I think she just wants to dump you, go back to her ex, but is not brave enough or afraid to say it directly in your face. I would get out of her appartment asap and forget about it.
Author John25 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 After all I read, including OP's replies, I think she just wants to dump you, go back to her ex, but is not brave enough or afraid to say it directly in your face. Honestly, I don't know if she's going to do that. My idea is that she'd just keep going with this thing where every 2-3 months she'll need to stay with her ex for at least a week. Which is probably even worse than her dumping me.
GorillaTheater Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 so what she's asking me to do is to grab my stuff, go to my apartment for a week so that she can stay with her ex. That all sounds reasonable, except that I'd make the move permanent and lose her number. I'm pretty surprised that you would have any doubts about what to do in this situation, and curious as to why you think this might be okay. 5
ChickiePops Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 If I were in this situation, the answer to the question about the ex staying over and me moving out would be - baaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I would put money on her already cheating emotionally with the ex..now she's trying to cheat physically too. 1
elaine567 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 When did he last come to visit her? I guess before you moved in, 2 months ago. Does he even know he is her "ex"?
Redhead14 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Tell her that while she is gone, you will be staying with another woman . . . Seriously though, it's really unacceptable behavior and, I agree, that you should make plans to move out while she is gone and never look back. 3
Author John25 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 When did he last come to visit her? I guess before you moved in, 2 months ago. Yeah, about 2 months ago. Does he even know he is her "ex"? Who knows what he knows. From what she said to me, he knows they're finished. But the fact that she can't get over him and that she's inviting him to stay and all of that, makes me think that maybe he's still hoping about going back together...
VeveCakes Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Why is this even a conversation...its ridiculous! 8
SammySammy Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Yeah, about 2 months ago. Who knows what he knows. From what she said to me, he knows they're finished. But the fact that she can't get over him and that she's inviting him to stay and all of that, makes me think that maybe he's still hoping about going back together... Maybe SHE's still hoping they get back together. At some point, you have to respect yourself when other people aren't respecting you. Have some dignity and refuse to allow yourself to be treated like this. 5
Author John25 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 I'm pretty surprised that you would have any doubts about what to do in this situation, and curious as to why you think this might be okay. No reason to think that would be okay. I was just surprised that she was trying to blame me for not letting her see the ex and I needed to talk with somebody... In every other situations, I'd have closed the conversation immediatley, but it's hard when the person you're emotionally vulnerable to, tries to make you feel guilty and **** around with your feelings...
GorillaTheater Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 No reason to think that would be okay. I was just surprised that she was trying to blame me for not letting her see the ex and I needed to talk with somebody... In every other situations, I'd have closed the conversation immediatley, but it's hard when the person you're emotionally vulnerable to, tries to make you feel guilty and **** around with your feelings... Okay, so you let her screw with your head a bit. I've been there, so I understand how it can be. I hope you've had your reality check/2x4 moment and know exactly what you need to do now. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 No reason to think that would be okay. I was just surprised that she was trying to blame me for not letting her see the ex and I needed to talk with somebody... In every other situations, I'd have closed the conversation immediatley, but it's hard when the person you're emotionally vulnerable to, tries to make you feel guilty and **** around with your feelings... Well I think we have all confirmed that you are right...!!! hate to say it but your soon to be ex is all kinds of crazy on the quiet... She is also manipulative and conniving. So what did you see in her exactly?
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