verhrzn Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Long story short, I yet again find myself single. Also find myself in a head space where I have little to no interest in seeking romantic relationships. And yet... I have had a crush on this one particular coworker for years (Yes, I am le olde), but had pretty much never interacted with him. About two years ago I moved to a different department, and by sheer coincidence, ended up on a project with him. Slowly the project had us working together every few months, to monthly, to weekly, to now I sit a desk down from him. (Should be temporary; the project is wrapping up, and we're in two different departments where we'd hardly ever see each other.) Over the past 3 months we've ended up chatting more, and discovering similar hobbies and senses of humor. We'd go out with a group to take a walk a few days a week, chat online, very casual, banal stuff. Then over the past month something... changed. Our conversations seemed to be a lot more flirty. We traded phone numbers (well, okay, he gave me his phone number for work purposes and then kept teasingly saying I should text him.) We started hanging out outside of work (playing Pokemon Go!) with his friends. Nothing for sure romantic; I wasn't even sure if he was single. And while I am single, I'm still living with my ex for another few weeks until my new lease starts (friend/crush is very aware of this, as we've talked about it and his ex-fiancee leaving him a few years ago.) Well last week I invited him out for coffee. While I do have this intense crush, I really did mean it as just two friends hanging out. We had a really great time, and he said flat out that he thought it was a date; he said he'd been waiting until I was living alone to ask me out (though he'd made a few overtures before this that seemed... hmm, a little over the friend line, like offering to make me dinner and to watch a movie at his place, just us, after hanging out.) I admitted I had a crush, but said I wanted to hold off on "dating" until my home situation was less complicated. I also tried to really emphasize that I am completely and totally okay with friendship if that's what he wants and I would not take him turning me down personally. However there were a few things that make me doubt he's really that interested. For one, he admitted that his physical type are tall, athletic blondes; 0 for 3! (He insisted I fit his "personality" type.) And while he's still sometimes flirty (saying I could bribe him with "full body massages"), I'm frequently the one reaching out first and suggesting hang-outs. He also claims he doesn't date much... which just seems insane, given his looks and personality, so I wonder if maybe he's incredibly picky. Or heck, maybe he's incredibly desperate, which is why he says he's into me but doesn't seem that eager. We haven't done anything physical besides hugging and some light tickling (him doing it to me), and I'm wondering if maybe anything romantic is all in my head... That he really is only into me as a friend, because I'm quite unattractive AND not his type, and he's only humoring me because I'm pushy. What do you guys think? Should I be friend-zoning him... forcing myself to get rid of the crush and just deal with the inevitable rejection? Thanks!
Shining One Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Nothing ventured nothing gained. The work situation would concern me though. How bad would it be at work if things didn't work out?
Els Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Welcome back verhrzn! Re: this guy, I think you are overcomplicating things. You've always liked him, he says he likes you, by all means give it a go! You're in different departments at work so that's not a huge issue. If in the future you sense that he's not that interested in you, then by all means tell him it's not working and stop seeing him, but I can't see how giving it a shot would hurt if you like him.
Tribble Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 I don't see anything here that would suggest rejection. He may be a little hesitant because of your living situation - he has said as much. It would be much better to start something once that is all sorted. All things seem to be moving in the right direction. Just remember, nothing is guaranteed and it could still fizzle out. That's ok though and certainly not a reason for not giving it a go! In terms of him not dating around. He might or he might not. Just because you think he's good looking doesn't really mean anything. He might be picky, desperate or neither of the two! Some people (myself included) need personal interaction to find someone attractive. And I know plenty of attractive, lovely people that don't date around for one reason or another.
Author verhrzn Posted October 10, 2016 Author Posted October 10, 2016 I don't see anything here that would suggest rejection. He may be a little hesitant because of your living situation - he has said as much. It would be much better to start something once that is all sorted. All things seem to be moving in the right direction. Just remember, nothing is guaranteed and it could still fizzle out. That's ok though and certainly not a reason for not giving it a go! Guess I'm just wondering if it's already fizzled out... or heck, if he was never that interested to begin with. He just doesn't seem that enthusiastic. Friendly, yes, but not seeming... well, that into me. So I'm wondering if I just misinterpreted his interest, or maybe did something to make him go "Hmm nope, don't want to bother."
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 My impression......he likes you enough to have sex with you, but not serious enough for a relationship. His comments and whatnot suggests this. I think this is why your are feeling unsure......
preraph Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 However there were a few things that make me doubt he's really that interested. For one, he admitted that his physical type are tall, athletic blondes; 0 for 3! (He insisted I fit his "personality" type.) And while he's still sometimes flirty (saying I could bribe him with "full body massages"), I'm frequently the one reaching out first and suggesting hang-outs. He also claims he doesn't date much... which just seems insane, given his looks and personality, so I wonder if maybe he's incredibly picky. Or heck, maybe he's incredibly desperate, which is why he says he's into me but doesn't seem that eager. What, bribe him into liking you even though you're not an athletic blond, so you have to put in some work to bribe him? He sounds a little full of himself. Well, maybe it's just me, but I have a thorn in my side from decades ago from a guy who used to tell me he was "used to ballerinas" when in fact, I would find out years later after he almost put me in the nut house that he had ED, so he wasn't "used to" anything. He probably can't find or get "tall athletic blonds," so I wouldn't worry too much about that unless he can't shut up about it, in which case I would let him know it had already gotten old hearing it the first time.
Els Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 What, bribe him into liking you even though you're not an athletic blond, so you have to put in some work to bribe him? He sounds a little full of himself. Well, maybe it's just me, but I have a thorn in my side from decades ago from a guy who used to tell me he was "used to ballerinas" when in fact, I would find out years later after he almost put me in the nut house that he had ED, so he wasn't "used to" anything. He probably can't find or get "tall athletic blonds," so I wouldn't worry too much about that unless he can't shut up about it, in which case I would let him know it had already gotten old hearing it the first time. From reading previous posts of the OP, my guess is that she badgered him into telling her what his physical type was until he felt compelled to say something. He might not have mentioned it out of the blue. 2
Author verhrzn Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 From reading previous posts of the OP, my guess is that she badgered him into telling her what his physical type was until he felt compelled to say something. He might not have mentioned it out of the blue. I didn't badger, I simply asked. I was curious because I've met his ex-fiancee multiple times (and yeah she fits his type.) And I frequently debate with myself whether it's a good idea to pursue guys when they're not that into me. I'm trying to do this new thing where I only date guys who are actually interested... 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I totally agree that you should not chase guys who are lukewarm. THEY ALWAYS either leave once they find the " love of their life" or, they remain with you because you are their best option but they never really make you feel truly adored and Wildly lusted over. Something is always missing for dreamers like myself who chase the mutual butterflies and chemistry. Regarding " types "... I have mixed experiences.... Men ARE visual. But you can be someone's type without them truly being attracted to you in a big way -- Case in point....my ex from 2013 liked skinny blondes; I was a skinny blonde with big boobs and a bubble butt. These attributes ( boobs and butt and skinny ness) were his thing in a big way. His mates all commented that wow I was " so his type" And Yet, he simply was not very attracted to my facial features or ME. We lacked true chemistry and attraction. Despite being his usual type in so many ways..... Now I was not my current boyfriends type when we first met. He is into brunette and is seldom ever attracted to blondes. She we met, as I am sure you can guess, I was blonde and had my boobs covered. So rather than falling for his "type", which are busty brunette, he felt instant fireworks with a slim blonde (at the time:o) who did not have her boob shape or size on display that day. But dare I say is.... He ahem, had very obvious reactions to me when I went brunette. He was obviously still much more attracted to brubattes than blondes. But it didn't stop him from falling for me. On a casual sex level where there is enoigh attraction for sex but not enough to warrant a relationship....I hooked up with am extremely attractive guy where He was NEVER attracted to blondes..... I was the first platinum blonde he was sexually into; and he consequently, liked me enough for casual sex and friendship, but not enough to date. He was simply REALLY into brunettes and could never fathom being AS into a blonde. I am so much happier since I also stopped dating men who were not super into me, irrespective of whether or not I was their usual "type". I could not recommend it highly enough It does wonders for your self esteem when you come across men who think you are gorgeous and are super into you, even though it doesn't often last (true attraction and great compatibility are another story entirely and nearly akin to a lotto win hah)
NewLeaf512 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I totally agree that you should not chase guys who are lukewarm. THEY ALWAYS either leave once they find the " love of their life" or, they remain with you because you are their best option but they never really make you feel truly adored and Wildly lusted over. Something is always missing for dreamers like myself who chase the mutual butterflies and chemistry. Regarding " types "... I have mixed experiences.... Men ARE visual. But you can be someone's type without them truly being attracted to you in a big way -- Case in point....my ex from 2013 liked skinny blondes; I was a skinny blonde with big boobs and a bubble butt. These attributes ( boobs and butt and skinny ness) were his thing in a big way. His mates all commented that wow I was " so his type" And Yet, he simply was not very attracted to my facial features or ME. We lacked true chemistry and attraction. Despite being his usual type in so many ways..... Now I was not my current boyfriends type when we first met. He is into brunette and is seldom ever attracted to blondes. She we met, as I am sure you can guess, I was blonde and had my boobs covered. So rather than falling for his "type", which are busty brunette, he felt instant fireworks with a slim blonde (at the time:o) who did not have her boob shape or size on display that day. But dare I say is.... He ahem, had very obvious reactions to me when I went brunette. He was obviously still much more attracted to brubattes than blondes. But it didn't stop him from falling for me. On a casual sex level where there is enoigh attraction for sex but not enough to warrant a relationship....I hooked up with am extremely attractive guy where He was NEVER attracted to blondes..... I was the first platinum blonde he was sexually into; and he consequently, liked me enough for casual sex and friendship, but not enough to date. He was simply REALLY into brunettes and could never fathom being AS into a blonde. I am so much happier since I also stopped dating men who were not super into me, irrespective of whether or not I was their usual "type". I could not recommend it highly enough It does wonders for your self esteem when you come across men who think you are gorgeous and are super into you, even though it doesn't often last (true attraction and great compatibility are another story entirely and nearly akin to a lotto win hah) Leigh I find this a bit perplexing. Is there a difference between a man who is "into you" vs "super into you"? The latter conjures up images of over eager men who are pushy and follow a woman around panting and drooling like an over-eager dog whilst eyeing up his dinner. Very unattractive indeed in my view. 2
Leigh 87 Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 Leigh I find this a bit perplexing. Is there a difference between a man who is "into you" vs "super into you"? The latter conjures up images of over eager men who are pushy and follow a woman around panting and drooling like an over-eager dog whilst eyeing up his dinner. Very unattractive indeed in my view. The OP shouldn't accept men into her life if they bypass the " super into her " stage. But I also agree that the desperate men were no more enticing than the unavailable guys.... As these types are likely to be " really into " any girl that is half decent looking. They are rather like over eager dogs:lmao: I have declined the dating invitation of a few of those men since their over eagerness I could tell, was not only about ME being special since the next girl they met made them equally desperate and eager acting ( and the girl after that, no joke.....) Being super into you is when a guy is not particularly looking for a relationship nor do they easily feel a connection to just any girl that crosses their path. It is when a guy knows there is something there with you that is a bit special from the get go, and rather than acting too over eager or ridiculous, they still play it cool. They ask you on dates. They text you most days. They leave no doubt in your mind that they are thinking about you. When a guy is REALLY into you, they tend to fall hard and fast; they fall in love within three months and go through an infatuation phase. They fall " head over heels ". Being into someone can occur to varying degrees but the real deal, happens from the first glance for men. Where as women in the other hand, can have guys " grow " on them and still end up at the same destination as men who are enamoured from the get go. There is something to be said about men and the fact they are wired differently to women. Sure, it sounds find when a guy is kind of sort of into you yet is not exactly excited about you either. Why not just give it a go, he may really come to like you once you hang out for a few months with no comittment. What is the harm in accepting a date here and there? Women do not need the infatuation phase in order to fall in love however, I am a firm believer that men DO need to sort of have that initials attraction and chemistry for them to really feel something special for their partners. I talk to a lot of erlerly men in my med school practicals and yeah, the way they talk about their late wives has further reiterated what I already instinctively knew; men are visual and need the initial attraction and magic with a woman if he is ever going to fall hard for her. These men never had TVS movies or outside influence of the printed media when they met their wives. Yet they all concurred: their late wives were always the women they would do anything for. They way these men described their love trajectory was not that of men who had to Pussy foot around and exhibit signs of uncertainty towards their prospective wives. Falling quietly for a woman who doesn't give him much buzz and actually bypassing that chemistry, never seemingly results in as strong a feeling in the end. I worry this guy may see the OP as someone that has " grown " on him without the initial buzz or attraction. That is why yeah, I wouldn't personally persue it with this guy if I were the OP. Sounds like you " grew " on him and he was never all that excited about you and sees you as a cute girl and good match conversation wise and intellectually and all the rest? So in short: being super into someone is when they REALLY want to date you. Not just kind of sort of. Now, without knowing this guy from the OP, we have no idea of his home situation or why he is a bit slow on the uptake.
Author verhrzn Posted October 11, 2016 Author Posted October 11, 2016 I think you guys are probably correct that he's not into me and views me as just a friend. We're hanging out later this week (something I initiated, natch) and I am just going to let go of absolutely any hope or expectation of anything romantically and mentally move on. I think I've decided that I'm only going to pursue guys when I have absolutely no interest in anything but very very casual dating/hook-ups. I've gotten to a "f--- relationships" point in my life, and they'll be very easy to avoid if I only date men who pursue me! Maybe crush wouldn't mind being a temporary rebound. Either way, I am more than happy to have a new friend!
preraph Posted October 11, 2016 Posted October 11, 2016 I didn't badger, I simply asked. I was curious because I've met his ex-fiancee multiple times (and yeah she fits his type.) And I frequently debate with myself whether it's a good idea to pursue guys when they're not that into me. I'm trying to do this new thing where I only date guys who are actually interested... Unless you just like the chase, which apparently, I must have, lukewarm guys are a waste of time. But that doesn't mean you want someone who's totally panting after you in a desperate way, of course. Just someone who calmly and confidently shows interest, but not that gets too carried away too soon, because that usually is not going to be real and last.
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