Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 After the loss of a conception, it's very common for couples to have problems. It's usually a turning point in the relationship that either brings you closer or drives you apart. A conception makes everything very real. It's a physical manifestation of your union. I think when it happened, he realized he didn't want that with you. It doesn't help that his last split was more recent. But ultimately, that doesn't matter. If he really loved you and were truly invested, he'd stick by you through this. You were equally responsible for creating this situation. For him to withdraw during such a critical time tells you he's not someone you want to go deeper with. I'm sorry for your loss. 1
Shining One Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 This isn't a matter of love or lack of love. It's a fundamental difference on what both parties want. Many years ago, my girlfriend at the time had a pregnancy scare. We were both using protection, but we had a condom break a while back. We had previously discussed this topic and had mutually agreed that she would abort in case of accidental pregnancy. The scare happened and she told me she would keep it if she was pregnant. Fortunately (for me) she wasn't pregnant and it was some other medical issue. Even though I loved her, I ended that relationship because we were no longer aligned on this specific topic.
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Leigh, you have a tendency to express your opinion as absolute fact. What you said isn't true at all. If I were to become pregnant right now (with my fiance, who is the best man to ever walk the earth and I will fight anyone who suggests otherwise) I would have an abortion without a second thought. And I'm not "dead set opposed to ever breeding". Even though we're getting married next October, we're not in the financial, professional or personal shape to support a child for a while. I have many reasons why I don't want a child for a while. It's not about how much I love my fiance. It's just that it's not the right time for us to have kids. If I ever decide to have children I plan to be the damn best parent I can. A big part of that is ensuring my child is raised in the best possible environment, when we're both ready. I forgot to mention: I am already 30, have been told by a leading expert (a good family friend who is a renowned gynaecologist) that I have PCOS and have low odds at conceiving given my massive amount of cysts above and beyond what is normal even for PCOS ladies :(I will be a 33 year old med grad so I have sort of planned to get into a part time field (I am specialising in FEET, lol!) and the only jobs available are part time (unless you move remote or have many years of experience) So yes despite not being able to afford a child we would not abort because we would soon better our circumstances and be able to afford a great lifestyle by the time the kid was 10. Not all of us women have the luxury of time and saving up money and buying a house prior to kids. For women like my it is either or; have a child, and be well on the way to being comfortable, or wait until 40 to be well off and miss out on a child. I do not want a child at 40 given my very low odds at convincing even as a 30 year old. The blaring red flag here is; they fcked without even so much as DISCUSSING abortion? I mean what did they THINK was going to happen? Did they not realise they hey, shagging can cause pregnancy so ummmm.... Well maybe we should at least TALK about our views on abortion, in case pregnancy occurs from the unprotected sex they were having? Both adults were very irresponsible here. This is coming from a highly irresponsible women who spent ALL her 100k house deposit at age 21, on world travel and will now never own a home until I inherit my parents massive house ( I am an only child ). I mean if you are shagging then why are adults so uncomfortable surrounding bringing up talk of abortion and unplanned pregnancies? As soon as I was comfortable enough to let my BF see me naked repeatedly, then marriage views and pregnancy talk were fair game- ! People need to know core views and values before getting themselves into some terrible situations !
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 I would hate to be poor and with a child, but women sometimes do not have the luxury of time on their side when it comes to kids so they have to be comfortable enough with the he men they exchange bodily fluids with, in order to have these essential discussions ! People can better their situations once the baby arrives. You cannot reverse your bio block, however. Again..... It is a LOADED topic of discussion and hardly first or second date flirty banter. LOL. I do see an alarming number of women on here alone, who are shocked when they realise their partners do not want to get married or have kids. Like, YEARS down the track well into their relationship! So I always discuss these things such as our views about the most important decisions in an adults life, EARLY. I really do feel that even if people were not totally ready, it comes down to your maternal and paternal urges. I was on the fence about kids until I started to feel very strongly that I would prefer to have the June child with my partner. Or adopt if single in which case a I could do it later when I was financially comfortable. Her BF was wither not having strong enough urges or he would have proceeded with the he pregnancy willingly with the right women. I know my own BF is this way inclined - he is NOT at all paternal by natures do would not hesitate to want a one night stand to abort his child. Where as with me, he feels differently and would in fact want the baby. The OPS BF may simply not be paternal enough in nature. It may also just be her. Time will tell! I have experienced both sides of the coin. A guy who would have aborted with me but not been able to with the right woman. And then there are men I have been with with no current urge to breed at all, irrespective of the woman! I would personally be going through these thought processes in the OPS predicament. I would want to know if it were just me or the fact he is not paternal enough ( not many men are but again: my own BF was not at ALL paternal yet changed when he met me ) My father was the same. Didn't want kids. Totally indifferent towards it. When mum fell pregnant they were soul mates so he could not bring himself to even WANT to terminate. The OP will be confused and disillusioned right now on account of the guys staunch opposition against the baby..... So these are just some of my thoughts as to how I would direct the situation. As you can see, finances like Alan's Bananas, who clearly ADORES HER:love:, would abort. So there you go. Her guy could simply be that way inclined no matter how much he loved s woman. My initial post was wrong sorry. Plainly. There is always more than one possibility
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 After the loss of a conception, it's very common for couples to have problems. It's usually a turning point in the relationship that either brings you closer or drives you apart. A conception makes everything very real. It's a physical manifestation of your union. I think when it happened, he realized he didn't want that with you. It doesn't help that his last split was more recent. But ultimately, that doesn't matter. If he really loved you and were truly invested, he'd stick by you through this. You were equally responsible for creating this situation. For him to withdraw during such a critical time tells you he's not someone you want to go deeper with. I'm sorry for your loss. He should be grieving. My own partner described how hard he knew it would be if we were faced with abortion due to our less than ideal financial states ( he earned good money but is only just starting his career and is therefore p, dispensable to the large company he works for). He may just not have strong parental inclinations despite having his own child already. But it seems against natural instincts to NOT at least mourne the loss of a child you shard in common with a partnerif he truly was in love
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 He should be grieving. My own partner described how hard he knew it would be if we were faced with abortion due to our less than ideal financial states ( he earned good money but is only just starting his career and is therefore p, dispensable to the large company he works for). He may just not have strong parental inclinations despite having his own child already. But it seems against natural instincts to NOT at least mourne the loss of a child you shard in common with a partnerif he truly was in love Are we on the same thread??? Loss of a child???? They didn't lose a child. Unless you feel any conglomeration of living cells constitutes now, a child??? OP, how far along were you when you found out? 2
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Are we on the same thread??? Loss of a child???? They didn't lose a child. Unless you feel any conglomeration of living cells constitutes now, a child??? OP, how far along were you when you found out? My partner and I felt the exact same way. We classified a fetus as a bunch of cells too. Neither of us would have hesitsted to abort with our one night stands. But we found that when we met, things changed. Sometimes they do. Although many men just plain do not want kids with ANY woman. At least at that point in time. I have seen men who didn't want childreb particularly turn to mush when thry found out their lovers were pregnant; abortion was no longer a viable option despite their prior indifference towards a mere " fetus". Just my observation. I am providing the OP with 2 different versions if what the guy could be feeling.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 My partner and I felt the exact same way. We classified a fetus as a bunch of cells too. Neither of us would have hesitsted to abort with our one night stands. But we found that when we met, things changed. Sometimes they do. Although many men just plain do not want kids with ANY woman. At least at that point in time. I have seen men who didn't want childreb particularly turn to mush when thry found out their lovers were pregnant; abortion was no longer a viable option despite their prior indifference towards a mere " fetus". Just my observation. I am providing the OP with 2 different versions if what the guy could be feeling. Leigh_87. I understand your PERSONAL POV on this issue, but your comments reflect someone with a bias that communicates confusion for potential readers. Your choice of words could lead some to make judgments (surprise, right?) or offering advice that is not relevant to the discussion. Are we even talking about a fetus here? Anyway....
ChickiePops Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 My partner and I felt the exact same way. We classified a fetus as a bunch of cells too. Neither of us would have hesitsted to abort with our one night stands. But we found that when we met, things changed. Sometimes they do. Although many men just plain do not want kids with ANY woman. At least at that point in time. I have seen men who didn't want childreb particularly turn to mush when thry found out their lovers were pregnant; abortion was no longer a viable option despite their prior indifference towards a mere " fetus". Just my observation. I am providing the OP with 2 different versions if what the guy could be feeling. It wasn't a fetus. It was a cluster of cells. You have no idea how you or your boyfriend would react. It's a helluva lot different when you're holding a positive test in your hand.
joseb Posted October 10, 2016 Posted October 10, 2016 Are we on the same thread??? Loss of a child???? They didn't lose a child. Unless you feel any conglomeration of living cells constitutes now, a child??? The ops guy wanted to abort. He will be relieved as hell that the pregnancy wasn't viable. He's thanking his lucky stars, not grieving. 3
Author tilby Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 Update He sent me a text message after no contact for one week asking how I am. I didn't respond for 2 days because I didn't know what to say and my hormones are crazy. I said I was doing ok but I needed time to myself for hormones to settle. He said he thought I wasn't going to reply but is glad I replied and understands my need for time. I called to chat a few days later and the call was never answered or returned. I have no idea what he's doing. If he honestly wants to part ways then why did he contact me at all? I'm so confused I had to delete his number to stop myself bombarding his phone with texts or phone calls. I'm trying to deal with this on my own but I'm now thinking counselling is the way to go. My head is a mess.
Recommended Posts