tilby Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Hi All, Been dating a guy for 7 months and it was going very well. We had discussed what our future goals are and we were very much aligned. Now, I found out that I was pregnant. It was not planned but we weren't careful every time either. He wasn't impressed by it and kept telling me to terminate. I really wanted to keep the baby but we weren't financially capable of bringing another child into the world. Both of us also have children from a previous long term relationship. I had a miscarriage a few days later. He said we should re-address the possibility of another child when we're more settled, but he's been ignoring me. When we did speak he said that we should slow things down a bit until this settles down over time. I agreed and we had a somewhat normal conversation about how our days were etc. and agreed to still see each other. I thought we were good after our chat but now he's ignoring me again. I'm not flooding his phone with calls, texts, emails just a quick text every 2nd day or so to see how his day is going. No reply for an entire day or more. I don't know what to think. Am I wrong in thinking this relationship still has a chance to recover? Is he grieving or giving me the cold shoulder? I think I know the answer but its hard to make sense of anything at the moment. Thanks!
Shining One Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 He wasn't impressed by it and kept telling me to terminate. I really wanted to keep the baby but we weren't financially capable of bringing another child into the world.From this, I can see you had conflicting thoughts on this important topic. As a man (who legally has no decision-making power in these situations), it's important to me that my partner and I are aligned. He's likely rethinking the relationship. I know I would in this situation. 3
basil67 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I'm so sorry for your loss. However, I'm dumbfounded that he was taken by surprise at your pregnancy. A baby is the logical outcome of the two of you not being careful with contraception. Did either of you ever have a conversation about the high risk of pregnancy and what you'd do if it happened? At any rate, the relationship doesn't have a chance to recover. You want a baby. He doesn't. He knows now that he can't continue in the relationship because your goals are mismatched and the two of you are unable to use contraception reliably. Time to move on. And next time, learn how to use contraception. 10
joseb Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 However, I'm dumbfounded that he was taken by surprise at your pregnancy. A baby is the logical outcome of the two of you not being careful with contraception. Did either of you ever have a conversation about the high risk of pregnancy and what you'd do if it happened? . Yes, unless he was unaware that you two were not being careful, then it makes no sense that he is blindsided by this. I would say your goals are not aligned. 5
Bialy Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 (edited) You've only been dating for seven months - you hardly know each other. Like others have said, your goals are not aligned. The pregnancy/miscarriage was a wake-up call for him. To be honest, I would see this as a blessing. Wish him well and move forward. Learn how to practice safe sex. The cynic in me thinks you liked him far more than he liked you -- and you knew exactly what you were doing when you chose to risk pregnancy. Please be more careful next time Edited October 8, 2016 by Bialy 6
elaine567 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 The baby "scare" forced him to rethink the relationship, and it doesn't seem like he wants to continue it. Sorry! 4
justavillagegirl Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 You've only been dating for seven months - you hardly know each other. Like others have said, your goals are not aligned. The pregnancy/miscarriage was a wake-up call for him. To be honest, I would see this as a blessing. Wish him well and move forward. Learn how to practice safe sex. The cynic in me thinks you liked him far more than he liked you -- and you knew exactly what you were doing when you chose to risk pregnancy. Please be more careful next time Correction, they both knew what they were doing when they chose to risk pregnancy. 6
Bialy Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 (edited) Correction, they both knew what they were doing when they chose to risk pregnancy. Oh, I know. At the same time, though, as women, it's our bodies. If someone wants to have unprotected sex with us or we're in a compromising in the heat of the moment predicament, our last line of defense is still saying, "Not now. We need protection." That's why I'm saying the cynic in me thinks she was very open to getting pregnant, but did not fully discuss this with her partner until after she found out she was pregnant. Edited October 8, 2016 by Bialy 3
Redhead14 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Hi All, Been dating a guy for 7 months and it was going very well. We had discussed what our future goals are and we were very much aligned. Now, I found out that I was pregnant. It was not planned but we weren't careful every time either. He wasn't impressed by it and kept telling me to terminate. I really wanted to keep the baby but we weren't financially capable of bringing another child into the world. Both of us also have children from a previous long term relationship. I had a miscarriage a few days later. He said we should re-address the possibility of another child when we're more settled, but he's been ignoring me. When we did speak he said that we should slow things down a bit until this settles down over time. I agreed and we had a somewhat normal conversation about how our days were etc. and agreed to still see each other. I thought we were good after our chat but now he's ignoring me again. I'm not flooding his phone with calls, texts, emails just a quick text every 2nd day or so to see how his day is going. No reply for an entire day or more. I don't know what to think. Am I wrong in thinking this relationship still has a chance to recover? Is he grieving or giving me the cold shoulder? I think I know the answer but its hard to make sense of anything at the moment. Thanks! We had discussed what our future goals are and we were very much aligned -- That was a good thing to make sure you two were on the same page about as a long-term goal for each of you, however, at 7 months it appears he was not convinced that he wanted all that with you yet . . . Is he grieving -- It very unlikely that he is grieving the loss of the baby given his reaction, but he may be grieving that he has decided to leave the relationship. It's only been 7 months and things have been fairly rosy, I'd say, and he's been kinda operating on auto-pilot and now had a wake up call as to where this was all going. How old is his child and how long ago did that previous relationship end and how long did it last. That experience may still be very fresh for him and feels that history is repeating itself. Leave him alone and let him sort things out for himself. If he disappears, you've dodged a bullet because if this is the way he handles crisis, the relationship isn't going to be a good one anyway. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 Am I wrong in thinking this relationship still has a chance to recover? Is he grieving or giving me the cold shoulder? I think I know the answer but its hard to make sense of anything at the moment. I seriously doubt he is grieving. Rather, feeling very GUILTY right now. He was forced to show his cards prematurely and is thinking over what to do next. He may simply fade out...I wouldn't be surprised by this. You need to use protection so this doesn't happen again and STDs do not come into play. There is very little chance that this relationship will continue. The ordeal has irreversibly placed this relationship on another level and introduced a serious dose of conflict and pain. 2
BaileyB Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I also doubt that he's grieving. Rather, I would imagine that he is feeling relieved. He did not want the baby and told you to end the pregnancy. Obviously, he was not ready for a baby with you and rightfully so, after only 7 months together. It doesn't sound like your goals were aligned in everything. I imagine he is doing some introspection right now, about your relationship and what he wants in the future. Your relationship is rather new and you've already dealt with some pretty big stuff. I would imagine that this would slow down most men, and it's hard to know if your relationship will survive. Time will tell. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 8, 2016 Posted October 8, 2016 I also doubt that he's grieving. Rather, I would imagine that he is feeling relieved.. NO DOUBT. He's also likely giving off a few puffs of sigh of relief and telling himself he just dodged a bullet. 3
Author tilby Posted October 9, 2016 Author Posted October 9, 2016 I also doubt that he's grieving. Rather, I would imagine that he is feeling relieved. He did not want the baby and told you to end the pregnancy. Obviously, he was not ready for a baby with you and rightfully so, after only 7 months together. It doesn't sound like your goals were aligned in everything. I imagine he is doing some introspection right now, about your relationship and what he wants in the future. Your relationship is rather new and you've already dealt with some pretty big stuff. I would imagine that this would slow down most men, and it's hard to know if your relationship will survive. Time will tell. More children were part of our future goals, but definitely not this soon. He has contacted me since this post and we were civil but its not the same. He said we can try and make it work between us but there is undeniable tension. If its going to work it will take a lot of effort I guess. As for the level of his interest before this mess, he said ILY first, he's very engaged in my life, as I am his. He is such a gentleman and he introduced his family first and has been very supportive throughout some other difficult times. It feels like such a loss. He has a toddler and his split with his ex was messy like mine but his was more recent. Yeah, it could be adding more fuel to the fire. I'm slowly coming to grips with all this and I'm trying to go about my life as normal. I'm going to leave the ball in his court and let him initiate contact if he wants to, as hard as it is. It will be really hard but I don't want to pressure him into anything either or pi$$ him off. Only time will tell. Thanks for your replies. 1
Arieswoman Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 tilby, I am sorry for your loss. I would suggest you get some counselling to help you deal with this and try to get yourself back on an even keel. Concentrate on you at the moment and your family. Let him sort himself out. It seems to me that he just isn't ready to take on any more family responsibilty at present, so respect that. And please get some effective contraception sorted out Good luck x 1
smackie9 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 He's not in this relationship to have a baby, that's why he has slipped out the closest exit. He doesn't want to have it happen again. He's gone gone gone. 5
Author tilby Posted October 9, 2016 Author Posted October 9, 2016 He's not in this relationship to have a baby, that's why he has slipped out the closest exit. He doesn't want to have it happen again. He's gone gone gone. I think you're right but I'm not angry at him. We are both to blame. I'm still in shock that things ended this way. Thanks again to everyone for replying. 2
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 You've only been dating for seven months - you hardly know each other. Like others have said, your goals are not aligned. The pregnancy/miscarriage was a wake-up call for him. To be honest, I would see this as a blessing. Wish him well and move forward. Learn how to practice safe sex. The cynic in me thinks you liked him far more than he liked you -- and you knew exactly what you were doing when you chose to risk pregnancy. Please be more careful next time I agree. My partner and I are not even close to financially ready for babies. I am a med student and he is a truck driver ( albeit they are well paid in Aussieland once you drive the biggest trucks and log overtime). Yet we discussed that if I accidentally fell pregnant at any point; we wouls not have it in us to abort. We were always too in love and what we share is too intense to kill an unborn child of ours. Despite not being financially able to easily accommodate a baby We don't even know if we WANT a child-! He says the thought terrifies him. Yet even aftee a month together, we wouldn't have been able to terminate. Against all odds and rational, when you are truly in love you DO NOT want to just kill off your offspring. One would need to be dead set opposed to ever breeding, to warrant such a knee jerk reaction to go right head and kill your baby.
justavillagegirl Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Oh, I know. At the same time, though, as women, it's our bodies. If someone wants to have unprotected sex with us or we're in a compromising in the heat of the moment predicament, our last line of defense is still saying, "Not now. We need protection." That's why I'm saying the cynic in me thinks she was very open to getting pregnant, but did not fully discuss this with her partner until after she found out she was pregnant. You're not getting the point. A woman cannot get pregnant on her own. So while she may have been "very open to getting pregnant", similarly, he was very open to getting her pregnant. He should have stopped to request that they use protection if he was that concerned (which he apparently wasn't). 4
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 I agree. My partner and I are not even close to financially ready for babies. I am a med student and he is a truck driver ( albeit they are well paid in Aussieland once you drive the biggest trucks and log overtime). Yet we discussed that if I accidentally fell pregnant at any point; we wouls not have it in us to abort. We were always too in love and what we share is too intense to kill an unborn child of ours. Despite not being financially able to easily accommodate a baby We don't even know if we WANT a child-! He says the thought terrifies him. Yet even aftee a month together, we wouldn't have been able to terminate. Against all odds and rational, when you are truly in love you DO NOT want to just kill off your offspring. One would need to be dead set opposed to ever breeding, to warrant such a knee jerk reaction to go right head and kill your baby. Interesting and over-the-top response... Just curious, do you feel that anything collection of non-viable cells is an off-spring? 3
lana-banana Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 Against all odds and rational, when you are truly in love you DO NOT want to just kill off your offspring. One would need to be dead set opposed to ever breeding, to warrant such a knee jerk reaction to go right head and kill your baby. Leigh, you have a tendency to express your opinion as absolute fact. What you said isn't true at all. If I were to become pregnant right now (with my fiance, who is the best man to ever walk the earth and I will fight anyone who suggests otherwise) I would have an abortion without a second thought. And I'm not "dead set opposed to ever breeding". Even though we're getting married next October, we're not in the financial, professional or personal shape to support a child for a while. I have many reasons why I don't want a child for a while. It's not about how much I love my fiance. It's just that it's not the right time for us to have kids. If I ever decide to have children I plan to be the damn best parent I can. A big part of that is ensuring my child is raised in the best possible environment, when we're both ready. 3
smackie9 Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 You're not getting the point. A woman cannot get pregnant on her own. So while she may have been "very open to getting pregnant", similarly, he was very open to getting her pregnant. He should have stopped to request that they use protection if he was that concerned (which he apparently wasn't). Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Since we are the ones that get pregnant, we end up responsible for the birth control. Not saying all but a lot of guys don't think like that when the little head starts thinking for them. 1
ChickiePops Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 You're not getting the point. A woman cannot get pregnant on her own. So while she may have been "very open to getting pregnant", similarly, he was very open to getting her pregnant. He should have stopped to request that they use protection if he was that concerned (which he apparently wasn't). I agree with this. It's not as if she tricked him into knocking her up..unless we're missing something here. OP did he think you were on birth control? 2
preraph Posted October 9, 2016 Posted October 9, 2016 There are still a bunch of uneducated people out there who think they can control it by timing, and since men don't want to wear a condom, the less responsible among them are more than willing to accept any old "I won't get pregnant" pronouncement. 2
Author tilby Posted October 9, 2016 Author Posted October 9, 2016 I agree with this. It's not as if she tricked him into knocking her up..unless we're missing something here. OP did he think you were on birth control? He knew that I wasn't on birth control. We just got caught up in the moment. We had condoms there but forgot to use them. Bad move, I know and he has accepted his part in this too.
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