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I know all MM are liars... but I hate finding them out.

starswewillnavigate

By starswewillnavigate
in The Other Man / Woman

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starswewillnavigate Established Member

starswewillnavigate

Posted
Posted

I know all MM are liars, they are masters at it, but my xMM has been pretty truthful with me about most things or just doesn't say anything, to avoid having to say an untruth. Last night we messaged and I asked him if he was going to be going out exercising after work (which is when he usually fitted time with me in and I'm guessing his new ow). I wasn't side eyeing anything, just making conversation but he said he couldn't for a while due to x reason. I stupidly checked his instagram this evening and x reason hasn't stopped him. It felt like a line at the time, a brush off as if to say "that's not going to happen between us again" and I was right, he was lying.

 

This has been the kick in the gut I've been waiting for as he has been on a limited contact phase with me this week. Last week I felt quite hopeful about things as we were getting back to more like we used to be, things weren't neutered and sexless in our conversations and we even discussed meeting up again. This week, I'm lucky to get a "hello, how are you?". I know that it will be because he's a new phase with another OW, I know this, so why am I still clinging on to him wanting me again?

 

Why do I keep picking the scab off? I get to a point where I feel like I can walk away from this situation, I nearly did at the beginning of last week (deleted the app we chat on) but then I had to see if he had messaged and he was so open to the idea of me again and I got sucked back in. This week he's pulled away from me again.

 

I keep staring at my phone, waiting for his name to pop up, so anxious with that will he/won't he equation. Then the relief when he does but the anger that it's just a couple lines of text and that he reads my reply but doesn't answer.

Cyra Established Member

Cyra

Posted
Posted

Sounds awful. I know well the feeling of waiting for a text. Essentially you are waiting for any crumbs he will throw at you and when he does you happily accept them.

Do you know if he has another OW? Or are you just making assumptions?

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starswewillnavigate Established Member

starswewillnavigate

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Sounds awful. I know well the feeling of waiting for a text. Essentially you are waiting for any crumbs he will throw at you and when he does you happily accept them.

Do you know if he has another OW? Or are you just making assumptions?

 

Exactly and I'm so angry for putting myself in this position!

 

I feel ashamed to admit this, but I do check when/if he's online on the dating site we met on. He's active most days and throughout the day. His pattern of behaviour suggests to be that he has another OW, I wouldn't know for definite but I'm pretty sure. Part of me wishes he would at least be honest, so I could be free from this, but I suppose limiting contact will lead to NC.

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted (edited)
Exactly and I'm so angry for putting myself in this position!

 

I feel ashamed to admit this, but I do check when/if he's online on the dating site we met on. He's active most days and throughout the day. His pattern of behaviour suggests to be that he has another OW, I wouldn't know for definite but I'm pretty sure. Part of me wishes he would at least be honest, so I could be free from this, but I suppose limiting contact will lead to NC.

 

Part of you wishes that he will at least be honest about being deceitful?

 

[]

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 8
BuddyX Established Member

BuddyX

Posted
Posted (edited)
Part of you wishes that he will at least be honest about being deceitful?

[]

 

Damn straight. Be unfaithful only with me, mKayy?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote edited
  • Like 1
MidnightBlue1980 Established Member

MidnightBlue1980

Posted
Posted
I know all MM are liars, they are masters at it, but my xMM has been pretty truthful with me about most things or just doesn't say anything, to avoid having to say an untruth. Last night we messaged and I asked him if he was going to be going out exercising after work (which is when he usually fitted time with me in and I'm guessing his new ow). I wasn't side eyeing anything, just making conversation but he said he couldn't for a while due to x reason. I stupidly checked his instagram this evening and x reason hasn't stopped him. It felt like a line at the time, a brush off as if to say "that's not going to happen between us again" and I was right, he was lying.

 

This has been the kick in the gut I've been waiting for as he has been on a limited contact phase with me this week. Last week I felt quite hopeful about things as we were getting back to more like we used to be, things weren't neutered and sexless in our conversations and we even discussed meeting up again. This week, I'm lucky to get a "hello, how are you?". I know that it will be because he's a new phase with another OW, I know this, so why am I still clinging on to him wanting me again?

 

Why do I keep picking the scab off? I get to a point where I feel like I can walk away from this situation, I nearly did at the beginning of last week (deleted the app we chat on) but then I had to see if he had messaged and he was so open to the idea of me again and I got sucked back in. This week he's pulled away from me again.

 

I keep staring at my phone, waiting for his name to pop up, so anxious with that will he/won't he equation. Then the relief when he does but the anger that it's just a couple lines of text and that he reads my reply but doesn't answer.

 

It's just your ego. You don't want to lose, you want to be the one to walk away, dump him. I get it. I've been there. Read up on it, the ego. It will put it in perspective.

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starswewillnavigate Established Member

starswewillnavigate

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Damn straight. Be unfaithful only with me, mKayy?

 

 

And that's what you gather from my post? hmmm

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starswewillnavigate Established Member

starswewillnavigate

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It's just your ego. You don't want to lose, you want to be the one to walk away, dump him. I get it. I've been there. Read up on it, the ego. It will put it in perspective.

 

MB - But why is there overriding sadistic side that wants to see if he'll message?!

Grapesofwrath Established Member

Grapesofwrath

Posted
Posted

Stars: Do you really want to end it? You can do that any time and on your terms. Waiting for him to show a sign or make a decision is giving away all your power.

 

I'd say the first step is to decide whether you're ready to end the A.

  • Like 2
Cyra Established Member

Cyra

Posted
Posted (edited)
Exactly and I'm so angry for putting myself in this position!

 

I feel ashamed to admit this, but I do check when/if he's online on the dating site we met on. He's active most days and throughout the day.

 

If he is active on a dating site that is OBVIOUS.

He is out fishing!

Of course he is not going to be honest why would he? If he was you would dump him and that would not benefit him. Why would he limit himself to you when he can have 'plenty more fish'? Because he doesnt care about you, you are just a number to him.

He is only thinking of himself and keeping you on a back burner. That's why the generic short texts. Keeps you hanging in case he is short of options.

Seriously? You can do better. Dump his sorry *ss.

Edited by Cyra
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ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

Posted
Posted
And that's what you gather from my post? hmmm

 

I mean...yes. That's actually exactly what you're saying.

 

He is still married after all..but you're upset that he's ignoring you, his ex-mistress, in favor of a new mistress (no mention of the fact that he's still married)..and you admit yourself that you became hopeful when he started talking about sex again, so you clearly want to restart the affair.

 

Which means that yes, you are saying you want him to continue cheating on his wife, but only with you.

 

Just stating the facts here. I personally think you're most likely better than all of this and should just take the plunge and block for good.

  • Like 6
Patrice Established Member

Patrice

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Posted

a beautiful place to be. You're just looking for evidence that he is the rotten person that you know he is. Stop beating yourself up, you made a mistake. The worst position you can keep yourself in, is reliving it all the time. The next indicator - you grow, he will try again - and your heart will sink because you are just done.

  • Like 3
Patrice Established Member

Patrice

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Posted

At some point, there is no hope left, and the pain isn't worth returning to.

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Lovetoohard Established Member

Lovetoohard

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Haven't you had enough evidence that he's a serial cheater and a broken individual? I would recommend reading up on the psychology of a a serial cheater. He has deep rooted deficiencies within him that require him to keep up his behavior to soothe his own perception of his own self worth. He won't change. You can't fix him. He just doesn't have the self awareness and any attempt at making him aware will only result in defensiveness and blame shifting. It's sad. It hurts but it's best to accept the reality and know that he will forever be trapped in own hell with his demons. Seal that door shut. Harborimg hope that he will one day wake up and realize his wrongs will only keep you on the hook longer.

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lftbehind Established Member

lftbehind

Posted
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MB - But why is there overriding sadistic side that wants to see if he'll message?!

 

It's the crumbs and the hope. You see signs that they want to see you and hope that they will be interested in you again like they used to be.

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starswewillnavigate Established Member

starswewillnavigate

Posted
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Haven't you had enough evidence that he's a serial cheater and a broken individual? I would recommend reading up on the psychology of a a serial cheater. He has deep rooted deficiencies within him that require him to keep up his behavior to soothe his own perception of his own self worth. He won't change. You can't fix him.

 

I know what he is, that's the worse thing. I'm not the first and definitely won't be the last. I can probably pinpoint why he does it as well. But I really need to stop analysing him and start trying to deal with why I'm putting myself in this position.

 

MB's comment about ego really made me think. It is a battle of two egos.

 

Looks like LC has now become NC from him...

Lovetoohard Established Member

Lovetoohard

Posted
Posted (edited)
I know what he is, that's the worse thing. I'm not the first and definitely won't be the last. I can probably pinpoint why he does it as well. But I really need to stop analysing him and start trying to deal with why I'm putting myself in this position.

 

MB's comment about ego really made me think. It is a battle of two egos.

 

Looks like LC has now become NC from him...

 

I think it's helpful to understand why he is broken enough to engage in this disgusting pattern of behavior so that you are able to see that this isn't you, it's him. I am struggling with this too. I certainly don't think I was the first OW, and I know for a fact, I am not the last. I hope I was the only OW when we were together, but i'll never know for sure given his propensity for lying to the extent that he has. It's painful. You like to think of yourself as an exception, not the rule. It hurts your self worth and destroys everything you thought was a special emotional connection. All I can tell you is that I hope you can get to a point where you are able to view yourself as a survivor and not a victim. You dodged a bullet. His continued self destructive behavior is not something you should take personally. He is not capable of feeling love and genuine intimacy and that is a sad cycle to be stuck in. His life, his demons. Yes, you made a mistake by getting involved with a married guy in the first place, but at least you have awareness and realize that all this was wrong.

 

I hope you muster up the power to re-gain our self worth and leave this man in the past. It's the only way forward.

Edited by Lovetoohard
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DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted
Exactly and I'm so angry for putting myself in this position!

 

I feel ashamed to admit this, but I do check when/if he's online on the dating site we met on. He's active most days and throughout the day. His pattern of behaviour suggests to be that he has another OW, I wouldn't know for definite but I'm pretty sure. Part of me wishes he would at least be honest, so I could be free from this, but I suppose limiting contact will lead to NC.

 

Your not a victim or prisoners, if you want it over then make it be over. Why hand him all the power?

  • Like 5
MidnightBlue1980 Established Member

MidnightBlue1980

Posted
Posted
I know what he is, that's the worse thing. I'm not the first and definitely won't be the last. I can probably pinpoint why he does it as well. But I really need to stop analysing him and start trying to deal with why I'm putting myself in this position.

 

MB's comment about ego really made me think. It is a battle of two egos.

 

Looks like LC has now become NC from him...

 

You want to see if he messaged you because you want to be the one to control the situation, whether it's him chasing you or you dumping him. It probably started out like this, it did for me and most women, they chased us, they got us and they fed us crumbs to keep us. We always wanted to get back to that position of power, get the upper hand. It's an illusion where we think we will feel better since we have the power.

 

The thing is though, you will only feel better when you actually really don't care - and then ironically that is only when you can actually get the power back, bc they can tell you really don't care. Like, I am approaching the point of really not caring and last week xmm sent not one but two emails, two days in a row. The second day he cc'ed someone else to try and force me to respond. There was a time when I would have given anything for this guy to contact me and all I got was a "LOL" or a stupid smiley emoticon text. Now he is writing paragraphs. And I was like, whatever. I did not respond. Because you see - I know what he is doing. He just wants the hand back. Been there, done that.

 

That is the thing about power. It always turns around. He who cares less wins. But I don't feel like a winner - because I really don't care like I once did. So I don't get anything out of it.

 

I'm not sure if this makes sense.

  • Like 4
ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted

Does he list himself as 'single' on the dating site? Did you believe that he was available at the start? How long did it take you to realize that he was married? Does he have children?

 

 

I'm a BS. I completely understand how MANY affairs start & continue. I'm human. I'm a woman. I do get-it. We all want that connection with someone. We want to be loved, appreciated & cherished for who we really are.

 

This 'man' is lower than low. He's actively looking for mistresses on a dating site! :sick:

 

You made a huge mistake & now you need to dig yourself out. Please cut him out of your life & find yourself again.

Exposing him for the manipulative, emotionally abusive user that he is will get him out of your life forever!!

 

 

I'd like you to send his wife an apology, evidence of the affair, the timeline AND a link to his profile on the dating site. As a BS that would be a wonderful gift even if it didn't feel like it at the start.

 

I've been very vocal about my opinions on disclosure. His wife is completely innocent. At this very moment she is making potentially life changing choices based on her (very wrong) perception of her life. You could gift her the truth. You could gift her the opportunity to make choices for herself & her children.

 

Wouldn't you want to know as his wife? I would & I wouldn't care what your motivations were.

 

Wouldn't you like to save other women on the dating site the pain that you've endured?

  • Like 1
MidnightBlue1980 Established Member

MidnightBlue1980

Posted
Posted
Does he list himself as 'single' on the dating site? Did you believe that he was available at the start? How long did it take you to realize that he was married? Does he have children?

 

 

I'm a BS. I completely understand how MANY affairs start & continue. I'm human. I'm a woman. I do get-it. We all want that connection with someone. We want to be loved, appreciated & cherished for who we really are.

 

This 'man' is lower than low. He's actively looking for mistresses on a dating site! :sick:

 

You made a huge mistake & now you need to dig yourself out. Please cut him out of your life & find yourself again.

Exposing him for the manipulative, emotionally abusive user that he is will get him out of your life forever!!

 

 

I'd like you to send his wife an apology, evidence of the affair, the timeline AND a link to his profile on the dating site. As a BS that would be a wonderful gift even if it didn't feel like it at the start.

 

I've been very vocal about my opinions on disclosure. His wife is completely innocent. At this very moment she is making potentially life changing choices based on her (very wrong) perception of her life. You could gift her the truth. You could gift her the opportunity to make choices for herself & her children.

 

Wouldn't you want to know as his wife? I would & I wouldn't care what your motivations were.

 

Wouldn't you like to save other women on the dating site the pain that you've endured?

 

As a wife, I would definitely want to know if my husband was on a dating site. 100%

  • Like 2
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starswewillnavigate Established Member

starswewillnavigate

Posted
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I think it's helpful to understand why he is broken enough to engage in this disgusting pattern of behavior so that you are able to see that this isn't you, it's him. I am struggling with this too. I certainly don't think I was the first OW, and I know for a fact, I am not the last. I hope I was the only OW when we were together, but i'll never know for sure given his propensity for lying to the extent that he has. It's painful. You like to think of yourself as an exception, not the rule. It hurts your self worth and destroys everything you thought was a special emotional connection. All I can tell you is that I hope you can get to a point where you are able to view yourself as a survivor and not a victim. You dodged a bullet. His continued self destructive behavior is not something you should take personally. He is not capable of feeling love and genuine intimacy and that is a sad cycle to be stuck in. His life, his demons. Yes, you made a mistake by getting involved with a married guy in the first place, but at least you have awareness and realize that all this was wrong.

 

I hope you muster up the power to re-gain our self worth and leave this man in the past. It's the only way forward.

 

Thanks lovetoohard- it's difficult not to take it personally at this point, that I just wasn't good enough. I know when I step back and look at the overall picture, I know I'm just a little piece in his continued cycle of cheating, his mini romances. I know he's looking for something he'll never find. I see both our faults, we're both broken, I wouldn't have allowed myself to get into this situation otherwise. It's funny when he called the A off he said to think of it as a lucky escape and yet I couldn't just walk away.

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starswewillnavigate Established Member

starswewillnavigate

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You want to see if he messaged you because you want to be the one to control the situation, whether it's him chasing you or you dumping him. It probably started out like this, it did for me and most women, they chased us, they got us and they fed us crumbs to keep us. We always wanted to get back to that position of power, get the upper hand. It's an illusion where we think we will feel better since we have the power.

 

That is the thing about power. It always turns around. He who cares less wins. But I don't feel like a winner - because I really don't care like I once did. So I don't get anything out of it.

 

I'm not sure if this makes sense.

 

MB - No, that sums it up nicely - it is about wanting to get that control back, but I never will, things can never be the same. I was thinking about this the other day, I've never given him a chance to miss me, I've always to all his messages, always been there. I'm sure if I had been indifferent or held back, he would have put more effort in. But I've just been "there" for him.

 

How long did it take you to get to the point of not caring?

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starswewillnavigate Established Member

starswewillnavigate

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ShatteredLady - he is listed as single but is listed as having kids, but I knew from our first conversations he wasn't. He's very "open" about what he's after in his profile. It's not something I'm proud of, but he didn't deceive me.

 

I know what you are saying re his BS, but it's not something I could do. It's not out of misguided loyalty to him but he's being wreckless, his photo is on his profile and he's explicit about what he's after. He will get caught out eventually, but I don't really want to light the blue touch paper on this one.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
And that's what you gather from my post? hmmm

 

I got that too.

 

Did you expect any better of him?

 

He knew what he wanted and you knew what he wanted, so why do you have an issue with his lies? When you're no saint yourself.

 

OW/MM .... not much difference in honesty and integrity TBH.

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