How should I ask him for a second chance?

[mountaindew]

Hey everyone,

I've been feeling so hopeless and sad the past two weeks, so I decide to share my story. Any ideas or opinions will be appreciated.

 

We met in my country(in asia) while he was doing his exchange semester here. We fell hard for each other and when he was leaving at the end of the semester, we decided to continue the relationship because I was planning to do my master in europe even before we met. So, we were together for about a year and a half(one year in long distance). During this one year of long distance, we managed to see each other four times despite the distance. But we often had arguments mostly because of the whole texting thing. I wanted to text often(every few hours) but he said texting is not really his thing. We tried several times to compromise and change but after few weeks, we went back to the same and had arguments again. I have a bad habit of saying "let's break up then" whenever we had big arguments and he always told me let's continue to try and stay together. But I never really got rid of that horrible habit... But whenever we met and spent time together, we barely had arguments.

 

This summer, I visited him in his country and spent one month with his friends, family, and relatives. He even saved up and prepared nice surprise activities for us to do together. We had some small arguments, but he assured me that those arguments happen because we weren't used to spend 24/7 together. Anyway, I got back to my country on sunday and in the following week, we had two arguments(I'll summarize them). On wednesday he said, he really has to pass this year(his master thesis) and that he doesn't want to have a period of arguing often again. I said if you already think that period is coming, then maybe we should end this now(I know I'm horrible). He said he doesn't want to break up and just wants to stay together and graduate.

 

We were okay, and then on saturday, we had another argument but this time I knew it was due to my fault. I apologized and then asked him if he has something to apologize too even though I knew he didn't do anything wrong. He said he has nothing to apologize, and I again said let's break up if you're not gonna apologize. He said, "Are you sure? It's too late for you. Shouldn't you sleep on this? You know you've said this before and took them back the next day." I said, "Okay, think about if there's anything to apologize and let me know tomorrow", which I meant "think about this argument, nothing more". He said "Okay, but it won't change tomorrow". Then I started insulting him with things that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. He asked me what is the purpose of saying these things to him and if I'm just trying to hurt him because I got hurt too. I said, I'm just telling you the truth. He said okay. We both went to sleep.

 

The next day, he sent me a long message that basically says "This is not going to work out. We keep trying but we don't change. So we argue and hurt each other and say very bad things. It will be difficult in the beginning but better for both of us in the end because we want different things. You want someone who can support you can text you often. I want to be free and not have a lot of responsibilities, and don't want to think far ahead in the future" He also said "I can't be with someone who is religious, this is a reason too" The second reason confused me a lot because it was out of the blue.

 

Anyway, I was so shocked because I never thought he would break up like that. So I called and asked him. He told me "he doens't see a future anymore, he doesn't want to have a serious relationship anymore, and we want different things". I asked him "How can you change so quickly?(Few days ago, he was excited that I'm finally moving to europe next month and talked about when we should meet next month. Few weeks ago, he talked about moving in together, having a family together, and me doing a semester abroad in his country) He simply said "Because I can". Then, I started pleading him if we can just try how it goes when I move to europe in three weeks. I said I depended my happiness too much on him until now, but things will be better between us once we live closer to each other and once I'm happier in europe. But he just kept telling me he doesn't want to try anymore. I said okay and hung up the phone.

 

I didn't send any messages, calls, or emails after I hung up the phone, but about 4 hours later, I found out that he blocked me on everything (whatsapp, facebook, etc). I was shocked because he never did that before and I didn't bombard him with any messages or calls. Anyway, I've been devastated. We broke up exactly one week after spending one month holiday together. We hung in there for one year when things were tough because I was going to move to europe this month. But we broke up three weeks before I finally move to europe and finally be closer together.

 

I just feel very hurt and hopeless. I thought about myself and the relationship a lot and I realized that I tried to control him too much just because I felt insecure because of the distance. I also realized that I never worked on my anger issue and said mean things almost whenever I got angry. But I feel like I have zero chance of getting him back...

 

This was a wakeup call for me. I know I should just move on and start fresh but I just want to try one more time when I move to europe. I'm moving there in a week. We will be 3-4 hours away from each other. I'm aware of my mistakes and really willing to be different this time. But he blocked me everywhere and I don't know how to reach him anymore. I thought about writing him a letter(apologies and things I want to thank him for) and maybe surprise visit him and give the letter to him. But I'm not sure what to do, I know surprise visits are not a good idea but I also want to try with everything I got so that I don't regret later. I also thought about sending him a casual postcard. I'm just really confused. It's been a bit more than two weeks since we broke up and havent spoken to each other. I keep hoping that he changes his mind and contacts me, but I also know it's not going to happen. I just feel so hopeless. I just want one more chance once I move to europe next week.

 

Thank you for reading my long story and any advice.

[Kelley]

What I keep thinking when my b/f ended our relationship is if I hadn't been there for him and been a friend (even though it hurt like hell) would he have realised what he had lost? I think he can't be clearer at the moment blocking you on everything that he is serious about the breakup. Do you think you can just let him have that space and time, maybe he will realise what he has done? I know it hurts like hell, but you really need to start thinking about you, and loving you. I know it's hard, I really do, I wish you all the best.

[mountaindew]

Thank you for your kind reply.

I've posted on some other websites too and now I'm even more hurt by some of the replies...

Yeah.. I read so many relationship articles out of desperation and they all talk about 30 day no contact, but I know in this case, I need to give him more time and space, and also for me to work on my issues too...

Do you think I can contact him when I really start to change? I'm afraid that he will just move on...

[aloneinaz]

Sweetie, the big concern to me in what you wrote was the frequency of your use of the word arguing. It's pretty prevalent in wrote you wrote. You both sound young and maybe are both a bit immature? To continue to ask someone if "they just want to break up" is not a mature thing to do. It appears you have some things you can improve on in your next R/S.

 

I think you need to settle down your emotions for a few weeks. Then, really look back on that R/S and ask yourself if you two were really compatible. The fact that you didn't really spend much time together and when you did you fought or argued is a major red flag.

 

Personally, I simply don't understand long distance relationships and could never be in one. How does any relationship get off on a solid foundation when you don't spend lots of quality time together, to see if you're a good match.

 

My vote is to not engage in that R/S anymore. When you get to Europe, start dating someone local that you can see frequently. That would be much more healthy than than the drama and BS you've been dealing with this past guy.

[Kelley]

Don't put a time limit on anything, just work on you. When you are strong and together you will see the relationship for what it was, then decide if you want to go back to it. It hurts I know but just try and think about yourself and your we'll bring now. Take care.

 

 

 

Thank you for your kind reply.

I've posted on some other websites too and now I'm even more hurt by some of the replies...

Yeah.. I read so many relationship articles out of desperation and they all talk about 30 day no contact, but I know in this case, I need to give him more time and space, and also for me to work on my issues too...

Do you think I can contact him when I really start to change? I'm afraid that he will just move on...

[Toodaloo]

This is going no where.

 

You need to concentrate on your move and getting yourself back together again.

 

The pair of you were not a match and to be blunt. I don't think you miss him. I think you miss what might have been had you got along.

 

Instead of thinking about him think about looking for someone that you do get on with then you are far more likely to not have to miss him at all.

[basil67]

His reasons for ending the relationship are valid. Yes, you need to work on our temper and the way you threaten to leave...but in a more practical sense, you need someone who you can see regularly - and 3-4 hours distance is still too far for a good relationship.

 

Let him go. Spend time working on yourself and have a fresh start on a new life.

[fromheart]

You threatened to end it with him twice. How could you not be surprised that he ended it with you?

 

He did the right thing, I've done exactly the same in his position, except I walked away after the first threat to end it.

 

You can't use the threat of ending it as a tool to sort out the relationship, it will drive people away.

 

Learn from this, move on and meet someone in your own country. Far easier than a LDR...

[ExpatInItaly]

You threatened to end it with him twice. How could you not be surprised that he ended it with you?

 

He did the right thing, I've done exactly the same in his position, except I walked away after the first threat to end it.

 

You can't use the threat of ending it as a tool to sort out the relationship, it will drive people away.

 

Learn from this, move on and meet someone in your own country. Far easier than a LDR...

 

Agreed with all of the above.

 

It's over, OP. He was right to leave, hard as that is to hear. You simply cannot threaten to break up with someone all the time. That's a sign of immaturity and poor conflict-resolution skills.

 

Use this as an experience to learn from so you don't repeat these mistakes in the future.

[marky00]

Agreed with all of the above.

 

It's over, OP. He was right to leave, hard as that is to hear. You simply cannot threaten to break up with someone all the time. That's a sign of immaturity and poor conflict-resolution skills.

 

Use this as an experience to learn from so you don't repeat these mistakes in the future.

 

 

 

Maybe so.

 

 

But I think one threat is ok and in fact something I wish I received in the past. More than once is probably not a good idea.

[Lifeissomething]

Confused? I'll break it down for you.

You acted immature, controlling, and mean. You threatened a breakup for no reason and called his bluff. You argued and pushed him, even when he requested to stop because of his studies, and you had the long distance factor (which is never easy). What's there to be confused about? Don't focus on the words and experiences leading up to this, focus on that you broke up and he's gone dark on you. That's pretty telling.

 

You can't change his feelings, but you can change yourself and make an incredible relationship with a new person.

 

Focus on yourself. Breakups can be used as a tool to make necessary and substantial positive changes to who we are.

 

Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe so.

 

 

But I think one threat is ok and in fact something I wish I received in the past. More than once is probably not a good idea.

 

I feel that if the person who made the threat actually intends to walk away for good, then by all means. It it worth sharing with the partner that if XYZ can't be worked out, then the relationship is over.

 

But I don't get that impression from OP's description. That sounded more like a manipulation tactic to get him to come running to her, rather than a sincere intention to end the relationship.

 

I've been on the receiving end of these types of threats. I eventually just let him walk away for good.