newbby Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 hey fl, who's to say which is the wrong or right way. some may say what i'm doing is much worse, i am still being friends with my xmm, and therefore, in some ways, still being decietful. although i would like for it not to be a secret, i dont think i could face being a public friend after the past. no-one could accuse you of being dishonest. this may even be psychologically better for you as you have definetly drawn a line under that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floatinglotus Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 Hello All, Well a week and a day have passed since I spilled the beans. I have not heard from Bozo since he sent that email last Tuesday night (a day after D-Day). I have no idea of what is going on. Of course I wonder... I am really feeling so much freer than I have felt in so many many months. It's as if I have released all my hurt and anguish and for the first time I'm giving God my troubles and sorrow. Before D-Day I kept everything wound up in a knot in my heart and my every waking moment was consumed by the whole ordeal. Now I can breathe and enjoy. I've been liberated. Perhaps that it! Telling the W has liberated me. I can now go on with my life knowing that Bozo will/is paying for his deeds and I can heal from too many months of unfulfilled dreams and promises. I no longer sob my heart out every night as I lay down. I can actually be a dutiful daughter and a good friend. I can smell the roses and appreciate life's blessings. Yes, I still love him. Yes, I dream of him knocking on my door and loving only me. But it's not my focus now and I can live life and I'm waiting for all the new possibilities that I'm sure will enter my life. If there are any W or exW here who found out about the affair through the OW, perhaps you could enlighten all of us here as to what emotions you went through and what you did to get through it all. I don't believe I fully appreciate what she must be going through and as I've posted before, only time will tell how my conscience reacts. Thank you to kkat, izzybelle and neverwilllearn. As I keep saying, my posts here are to help others by giving you one story of how telling the W unfolds. I may never know what happens to Bozo and W. I may never hear from him again. But you will know how I get on with my life & from how I'm feeling now, I don't regret for one second telling her. Until next time... FL Link to post Share on other sites
Deep Blue Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Thanks for the update! I'm really glad to hear that you've found some level of closure. I hope you can use the momentum you've gained to spring yourself into a new life. I've only just started to sort out my situation, by I do see light at the end of the tunnel. It gives me strength to see that you are doing well. One question that comes to mind though. What will you do if he contacts you? These kind of relationships seem to be cyclical, and it might be best to prepare yourself if he does call, to avoid starting the healing process all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floatinglotus Posted July 16, 2005 Author Share Posted July 16, 2005 Hello Deep Blue, You know, I pray day and night for his call. I want him desperately to contact me. However, if that call ever does come, my reaction would depend on the situation. If he tells me that he has permanently split with her, & wants to have me, then I would be over the moon with elation and would take him back without hesitation. IF he is still undecided or the situation remains the same as before, then I would have to decline the contact. It has been almost two weeks since D-Day. I'm wondering what must be happening. My emotions seem to be up and down. I don't regret for one second what I've done and it has brought me a measure of "peace" so to speak. What I'm mostly down about is just my feelings for him and how much I love him. Deep Blue, I have been reading your posts and what you are going through is horrific. I don't understand how one can treat others with such little regard. It is not fair. But know that I feel your pain - I can truly say that. I hope that both our stories will discourage others from becoming entangled as we have. Love should be good, gentle and kind - but what we are experiencing is pure torment. I remember when Bozo would hold me and instead of happiness, I would be in pain because of the situation. That is not bliss. Can I ask a question? Can a relationship honestly survive such a disclosure? I've been going over this in my mind & my conclusion is twofold. If I was the W and found out my supposedly "better half" had had an affair (not serial affairs), then I may try and forgive him if he promised to never do it again and that it was all a mistake. If, however, I found out through the OW all the nasty things my H had said about me & details that he'd said that it was a mistake marrying me and that he was in love with someone else when he married me, I don't honestly believe I could stand it. What do you think? Until next time... Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 fl, i thought that telling her was supposed to give you closure?? it seems that you are hoping they will break up because of it. i think he will be desperate for her forgiveness, i also think he will be angry at you for awhile, because he is a selfish man. if he couldnt consider his wife or you during the cake eating, what would change to make him consider your position now? he probably misses you, or will do once he is through trying to appease his wife, but he will not do anything other than try a continuation of cake eating. my exmm tries periodically, other than that we are on ok speaking terms, he maintains most of the time that he is unhappy in his marriage (yawn), for someone who is so unhappy he sure seems pretty comfortable to me. all i am trying to do is get myself sorted. you really need to concentrate on yourself, i know this has hit you hard but you need to move on from it and try to heal so that you can have a real relationship one day (something that you have never experienced). nothing will measure up to the relationship with bozo, because it is a fantasy relationship, they can make it so because all they have to consider is trying to keep you so happy that you will make do with the scraps, and it is always a fantasy for you because it has never been realised. if he were to have a real relationship with you, you would be treated the same as he treated the wife, that is your real example of how he conducts his commited relationships. that is the reality of life with him. you saw only his charming wooing side, and it makes you think he must be so much happier with you because he dislikes his wife enough to seek extramarital and yet he loves you so much he is so romantic and sings you sweet love songs. well why did he marry her? do you not think he was once the same way to his wife he was with you? why do you think she married him? he wooed and charmed her too. if your relationship were to happen in the future, if she kicked him out, if he came back to you, you would take her place and he would be wooing and charming somebody else. this is how he conducts his real relationships. you are hanging on to a fantasy, that is all. let it go. take care of you. heal. give yourself love. move on. forget it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floatinglotus Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 Hello Newbby, It has brought me closer to healing than what I was before. I'm just going through the motions right now & am sad that he's not with me. Thank you for telling me what might be happening. You are right, one of my dreams is that he'll leave her (or her leave him) and he'll come running back to me. But as I've said before, that wasn't my motivation in telling her as I'm under no illusions that that will happen - but it is a fantasy nonetheless. I've confided in a couple of very close friends what has happened & they have been so supportive. One, a married woman, said that I sound much brighter than I have in many many months and thinks what I did was the best course to take. The other, a single male friend, was of the same opinion. I had dipped so low that this seems to have been the only thing that has given me hope to start reclaiming my life. I really do feel better having told her. But right now, I'm realising that he's gone and with that realisation, the pain is reawakening. It's not an easy road but I still say I would not be able to heal without having told her. Sorry if I sound all over the place - but I guess that's part of the territory. I went to the coast yesterday and am looking forward to the busy week ahead at work. It's the downtime I get scared of. My mind starts to wander and I start dreaming of him... Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 yes, yes, i know that wasnt your motivation, but stay strong, remember why you did it and its good you are aware of the fantasy Link to post Share on other sites
Author floatinglotus Posted July 28, 2005 Author Share Posted July 28, 2005 Hello All, Well it has now been 3 & a half weeks since D-Day and my life has been changing for the better. I look forward to getting up in the morning. I find that I no longer think about him and cry my heart out. I actually go out! It's definitely moving forward and I'm happy for that. I truly believe that if I hadn't told her, I'd be still hurting to the point of no return. I won't call is "closure" (you can never get so-called closure from something like this) but I am healing and looking forward to my life ahead. Of course I still wonder about him and hope he's ok. Yes, I still hope that my phone rings and I'll hear his voice on the end of the line - but it's not like before. My heart no longer aches incessantly and I am actually starting to think about his negative aspects which are turning me off I'll post again in a couple of weeks to let those out there know that it is possible to heal. The pain does subside (slowly but surely) and that you do have self-worth. I also don't think I'll revert to those sullen moments you can read on this thread as I feel past that stage. However, never say never so I'll keep you posted. Cheers to all. FL Link to post Share on other sites
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