he left the wife then went back

[Cyra]

Tbh the relationship wasn't great before that which is probably what led me to be susceptible to the affair I had.

But yes you are right choosing to do so is my doing entirely and no one else is to blame as no one made me do it. I was infatuated, hormonal, blinded, I was daydreaming about a true love, I felt such a connection and chemistry with this guy that I had to see if there was something more, and blablabla.

I know it is all just excuses but it is what happened. I am human and I am fallible, and yes right now it feels like it is all about me and my pain because despite of making bad choices my heart has been broken terribly and that is real and no one deserves to have to go through that pain alone. I am already blaming, judging and hating myself for a thousand things I have said and done over the last year. I hate myself for cheating, for letting myself be treated like crap, for not having enough dignity to walk away etc etc. Believe me no one is harsher on me than me right now.

I want to do the right thing. I dont ever want to be in the same situation again and I don't want to deny others the freedom of choice. But for this I first need to regain some sort of strength, sanity and balance before I can even face putting myself and others through more pain.

Edited October 2, 2016 by Cyra

[DKT3]

Tbh the relationship wasn't great before that which is probably what led me to be susceptible to the affair I had.

But yes you are right choosing to do so is my doing entirely and no one else is to blame. I was infatuated, hormonal, blinded, I was daydreaming about a true love, I felt such a connection and chemistry with this guy that I had to see if there was something more, and blablabla.

I know it is all just excuses but it is what happened. I am human and I am fallible, and yes right now it feels like it is all about me and my pain because despite of making bad choices my heart has been broken terribly and that is real. I am already blaming, judging and hating myself for a thousand things I have said and done over the last year. I hate myself for treating him like crap, for letting myself be treated like crap, for not having enough dignity to walk away etc etc. Believe me no one is harsher on me than me right now.

I want to do the right thing. I dont ever want to be in the same situation again and I don't want to deny others the freedom of choice. But for this I first need to regain some sort of strength, sanity and balance before I can even face putting myself and others through more pain.

Doing the right thing starts with either tell your boyfriend want kind of woman you really are or ending the relationship altogether.

 

There will never be a good time, but he deserves to know, he deserves the right to choose if he is will to subject himself to the possibility of STD or physical harm do to your decisions and choices.

 

I don't expect you to because you seem supremely selfish, and there is still something to be gained for you in this relationship.

 

PS the affair isn't over, he will be back and you will let him back in, which is why I'm urging you to settle things with your boyfriend.

[Noideanow]

Doing the right thing starts with either tell your boyfriend want kind of woman you really are or ending the relationship altogether.

 

There will never be a good time, but he deserves to know, he deserves the right to choose if he is will to subject himself to the possibility of STD or physical harm do to your decisions and choices.

 

I don't expect you to because you seem supremely selfish, and there is still something to be gained for you in this relationship.

 

PS the affair isn't over, he will be back and you will let him back in, which is why I'm urging you to settle things with your boyfriend.

 

As she wrote it seems he already knows but as her is getting something out of the friendship, what i cant help but wonder is, why expect the m&m to leave his wife to be with you when you yourself is not free, seen from his side:o

[Cyra]

Doing the right thing starts with either tell your boyfriend want kind of woman you really are or ending the relationship altogether.

 

There will never be a good time, but he deserves to know, he deserves the right to choose if he is will to subject himself to the possibility of STD or physical harm do to your decisions and choices.

 

I don't expect you to because you seem supremely selfish, and there is still something to be gained for you in this relationship.

 

PS the affair isn't over, he will be back and you will let him back in, which is why I'm urging you to settle things with your boyfriend.

 

He is at no risk of STDs, I get regular checks and we have not been intimate for some time. I am not generally selfish but yes perhaps I am at the moment in the way that I have to sort myself out first. I don't know what you mean with 'something to gain', I am certainly not with him for any materialistic perks as I am financially self sufficient.

The affair is over good and proper. I made sure he would never come back and even if he did I would not let him back in. If nothing else, I have learnt my lesson.

[Cyra]

As she wrote it seems he already knows but as her is getting something out of the friendship, what i cant help but wonder is, why expect the m&m to leave his wife to be with you when you yourself is not free, seen from his side:o

 

The plan was that we would leave at the same time. He hardly even gave me a chance, going back to his wife the next day!

[Miss Clavel]

I felt such a connection and chemistry with this guy that I had to see if there was something more, and blablabla.

I know it is all just excuses but it is what happened. I am human and I am fallible, and yes right now it feels like it is all about me and my pain because despite of making bad choices my heart has been broken terribly and that is real and no one deserves to have to go through that pain alone. I am already blaming, judging and hating myself for a thousand things I have said and done over the last year. I hate myself for cheating, for letting myself be treated like crap, for not having enough dignity to walk away etc etc. Believe me no one is harsher on me than me right now.

I want to do the right thing. I dont ever want to be in the same situation again and I don't want to deny others the freedom of choice. But for this I first need to regain some sort of strength, sanity and balance before I can even face putting myself and others through more pain.

 

i think that all affairs have an element of competition. competition between the wife and the OW for the MM. you won. he left. you celebrated "the beginning of a new life" but, oops, you didn't end it with your live in BF of ten years?

 

then, i think because he went back and you lost the competition, you went beserk. after all, it sounds like you wanted to "win" more than you wanted the *cough* *cough* "prize.

 

my advice is for you to tell your BF, now. you haven't got any strenght, sanity or balance anyway. sortof like, you're already on the floor, pick up those dust bunnies while you're down there.

 

i usually wish women in your situation "good luck" but not this time as i do not believe this "affair" is over.

 

beware of the drive by down load. cuz he's gonna do one on you, if you let him.

 

and that's not the same as winning.

[Cyra]

 

beware of the drive by down load. cuz he's gonna do one on you, if you let him.

 

 

Sorry what do you mean with this?

 

I don't know why everyone is so adamant that he will be back!

And why does that even matter, he can try if he likes but he is not getting as much as a response.

[DKT3]

He is at no risk of STDs, I get regular checks and we have not been intimate for some time. I am not generally selfish but yes perhaps I am at the moment in the way that I have to sort myself out first. I don't know what you mean with 'something to gain', I am certainly not with him for any materialistic perks as I am financially self sufficient.

The affair is over good and proper. I made sure he would never come back and even if he did I would not let him back in. If nothing else, I have learnt my lesson.

 

Gaining don't always mean things, but your getting something from him, be it comfort, security, or just keeping up appearances.

 

And anytime your sleeping with more then one person there is a risk of STD, unless your going to tell us you go six months between sleeping with the two of them.

 

You've learned nothing at this point, you are angry and fueled by it.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I do not really know what happened but he is from a fanatically religious family so I assume his mother bashed the fear of god into him. Also bearing in mind that he was a weak man, swaying in whatever direction the wind blew. He was never good at handling pressure, stress or sticking to his word.

I suppose I was naive. I loved him deeply and I thought that we could overcome anything. But clearly I was the only one of such conviction.

I don't think he will be back, he will now be in a hermetically sealed bubble of his family and his wife will be keeping a close eye on him. Even if he was kicked out and lived on his own, I still would not want him back. It took all this for me to realize that I do not want to share my life with a wimp who constantly needs mothering and looking after.

 

Funny that you call him the wimp... At least he came clean with his wife...

[Cyra]

You've learned nothing at this point, you are angry and fueled by it.

 

Angry perhaps, true. But more at myself than anyone else.

[DKT3]

Sorry what do you mean with this?

 

I don't know why everyone is so adamant that he will be back!

And why does that even matter, he can try if he likes but he is not getting as much as a response.

 

He will be back because you will let him have sex with you, it's really that simple. He will get his household settled down then he will be making that booty call.

[Cyra]

Funny that you call him the wimp... At least he came clean with his wife...

 

Seriously? And crawled back afterwards?

[Cyra]

He will be back because you will let him have sex with you, it's really that simple. He will get his household settled down then he will be making that booty call.

 

That is a very inaccurate assumption.

I am sorry if I have said something to offend you and you feel the need to be so condescending.

[S2B]

That is a very inaccurate assumption.

I am sorry if I have said something to offend you and you feel the need to be so condescending.

 

Maybe you could clarify - what are you or aren't you willing to do?

 

Do you intend to put a complete stop to the affair? Do you wish that he may continue?

 

What have you decided is best for yourself?

[ShatteredLady]

It's not a competition when only one of the participants knows what on earth is going on.

 

There aren't any 'winners' in affairs!! It's brutal agony. Loss of self. Loss of esteem, morals, principles. Adultery is all about 'how low will you go?' before the truth hits you like a ton of bricks.

 

If the MM is a cold, egotistical, calculating monster who gets to play his game & get the 'perks' without any fallout maybe he could consider himself a winner but in truth he's a scummy looser of the worst kind.

[Cyra]

Maybe you could clarify - what are you or aren't you willing to do?

 

Do you intend to put a complete stop to the affair? Do you wish that he may continue?

 

What have you decided is best for yourself?

 

Thank you

Technically he was the one who broke up with me, but to be completely clear, I have no intention of ever contacting him again or responding to any potential contact initiated by him. I am strictly NC and despite feeling heartbroken and miserable and pathetic, I do not wish it to continue. It has been a week and I have been down at the rock bottom. I have missed talking to him so much. But now I am becoming used to it and I am beginning to see things a bit clearer for what they are, and so I made a decision that even if he tried to continue with it, I would not even grant him a response. Because with one response comes another question, and so starts a conversation and before you know it you are sucked back in.

So it is to be a complete silence.

And I will resolve my side of the equation also.

[DKT3]

That is a very inaccurate assumption.

I am sorry if I have said something to offend you and you feel the need to be so condescending.

 

You really don't know what your in for. Right now your angry, anger will soon give way to longing for him. You have an addiction, and like all adults you will need a fix. Or purely curious. He will reach out ( because you have shown he can have his way) and you will be drawn to respond.

 

You've done Nothing to me, it's just your whole story is ripped out of the cheaters handbook, not difficult to predict.

[Cyra]

You really don't know what your doing n for. Right now your angry, anger will soon give way to longing for him. You have an addiction, and like all adults you will need a fix. Or purely curious. He will reach out ( because you have shown he can have his way) and you will be drawn to respond.

 

 

Perhaps that is true. He may do that, and I may be curious, and even tempted. But you are forgetting the part where I have free will.

And I choose No.

[malvern99]

But yes you are right choosing to do so is my doing entirely and no one else is to blame as no one made me do it. I was infatuated, hormonal, blinded, I was daydreaming about a true love, I felt such a connection and chemistry with this guy that I had to see if there was something more, and blablabla.

 

We only have one life to live, and feeling those things you felt is perfectly natural. There is no problem with chasing those things, as long as they are not chased at someone else's expense. That is the problem with infidelity. It's not the fact that you chased those feelings (which is your right), it's the fact that you did so at the expense of others who had no say in what was happening.

 

I know it is all just excuses but it is what happened. I am human and I am fallible, and yes right now it feels like it is all about me and my pain because despite of making bad choices my heart has been broken terribly and that is real and no one deserves to have to go through that pain alone.

 

I feel for your pain, and no one is here to judge you. People are just trying to get you to look at your situation from multiple different angles. The irony of you saying "no one deserves to have to go through that pain alone" is the fact that you essentially are doing exactly that. How many people in your real life know exactly what is happening? Talking to strangers on the internet is all good, but at the end of the day, we are all only just strangers who do not know you.

 

I am already blaming, judging and hating myself for a thousand things I have said and done over the last year. I hate myself for cheating, for letting myself be treated like crap, for not having enough dignity to walk away etc etc. Believe me no one is harsher on me than me right now. I want to do the right thing.

 

Like I said before, no normal person takes time out of their day to judge those they do not know simply for the sake of being an as*hole. 99% of people wouldn't bother responding if they did not want to help you. What you may see as judgmental now may just be someone trying to open your eyes to a new angle.

 

Many times you see people involved in affairs readily acknowledge how wrong what they're doing is. The strange thing though is that even while they acknowledge how wrong it is, they maintain the behaviors that got them to that point in the first place. They want to do the right thing, but take no concrete steps in that direction. It's almost a form of cognitive dissonance.

 

I dont ever want to be in the same situation again and I don't want to deny others the freedom of choice. But for this I first need to regain some sort of strength, sanity and balance before I can even face putting myself and others through more pain.

 

I understand what you are driving at here, but you are are contradicting yourself. You can't on one hand say "I don't want to deny others the freedom of choice", then in the very next sentence indicate that that is exactly what you are planning on doing. Both sentiments can't be true. You just have to figure out which one of those sentiments is true and then operate from that perspective, because without being honest with yourself, it becomes very hard for you to work your way through this. Best of luck OP.

[Cyra]

The irony of you saying "no one deserves to have to go through that pain alone" is the fact that you essentially are doing exactly that. How many people in your real life know exactly what is happening? Talking to strangers on the internet is all good, but at the end of the day, we are all only just strangers who do not know you.

 

I have a couple of friends that I can talk to, but at the same time I don't want to spam their lives with my issues. Also my friends will generally side with me. Sometimes it is good to talk to strangers because I get an unbiased opinion.

You are right in what you say. I have to show consistency first if I want to see it in my life from others.

[aileD]

First we got together in a cliche affair but soon after feelings developed on both sides and we fell in love.

 

After reading your whole post, what you don't realize is that your entire affair and feelings now are cliche.

 

You will do better. Get out of your crappy relationship first though. You don't have to wait for something better to come along. It's ok to be alone a little bit.

[Cyra]

After reading your whole post, what you don't realize is that your entire affair and feelings now are cliche.

 

You will do better. Get out of your crappy relationship first though. You don't have to wait for something better to come along. It's ok to be alone a little bit.

 

Thank you, yes I can see that it is all cliche now after reading so many similar stories on here. I was unaware before as I have not been in such a situation previously.

Yes, I am not afraid to live on my own, otoh it sounds like a probably good thing right now.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Seriously? And crawled back afterwards?

 

Which is still more than you have done for your partner of 10 years.

 

Not saying it to be cruel, but yes you are being incredibly hypocritical.

 

Did you wonder if he went back because you had shown no signs of coming clean with your partner? You wanted his commitment- he moved and did what you wanted... What did you do?

 

In all seriousness - don't be surprised now if his family contacts your partner to blow up his world he same way you blew up theirs. Up to you whether you want to get in front of that and tell him yourself, but given you admitted your behaviour was crazy, don't be surprised if this comes back at you in spades.

[DKT3]

Which is still more than you have done for your partner of 10 years.

 

Not saying it to be cruel, but yes you are being incredibly hypocritical.

 

Did you wonder if he went back because you had shown no signs of coming clean with your partner? You wanted his commitment- he moved and did what you wanted... What did you do?

 

In all seriousness - don't be surprised now if his family contacts your partner to blow up his world he same way you blew up theirs. Up to you whether you want to get in front of that and tell him yourself, but given you admitted your behaviour was crazy, don't be surprised if this comes back at you in spades.

 

This is actually a really good point since she contacted his wife. Funny she would contact his wife but not inform her own partner.

 

What's the motivation there?

[Cyra]

Which is still more than you have done for your partner of 10 years.

 

Not saying it to be cruel, but yes you are being incredibly hypocritical.

 

Did you wonder if he went back because you had shown no signs of coming clean with your partner? You wanted his commitment- he moved and did what you wanted... What did you do?

 

In all seriousness - don't be surprised now if his family contacts your partner to blow up his world he same way you blew up theirs. Up to you whether you want to get in front of that and tell him yourself, but given you admitted your behaviour was crazy, don't be surprised if this comes back at you in spades.

 

If it happens I have to face it, it certainly would not be undeserved.