ex broke no contact - respond or not?

[evanop]

I am on day 3 of no contact.

We went Long Distance a month ago.

He broke up 2 weeks ago.

Sporadic contact since, mostly initiated by him.

Reason for breakup: he said he needed some time to be self sufficient and not dependent on me. He is trying to get his own business going and had been running into some problems with it about a month ago. He said that being long distance is too difficult whilst also trying to figure out his career future. So he ended it. But he wanted to stay in touch and we have talked somewhat, but I keep making sure he knows that I do not want to be his friend.

He said a few days ago that he wants to come back in two months and see me and see if we can work things out, hoping that he will have his business established by then, and have money to be independent, etc.

 

I realize where he is coming from, but I still don't get why he can't be with me at the same time. I guess the responsibility of being there for me whilst having to be there for himself, that was too much for him? He is 24 and has ADHD and struggles a lot with his focus.

 

Just 4 days ago, he kept saying he loves me so much and constantly thinks of me and that I am still his "Xxxx" (his nickname for me). Tells me I am beautiful, tells me he is proud of me, tells me he is happy we are both working hard on ourselves to become better people. He tells me also he is not seeing anyone else and is not interested in that, as nobody compares to me and nobody has the full package as me. That this time is truly just for himself.

 

It's just so hurtful to hear him tell me he loves me and then he still doesn't want to be with me now.

 

My problem is that I am now trying to be no contact and really go with it, but it just gets harder with every day. I am hoping he feels the same. It is really hard to move on and not wait for him, even though I am 100% certain we are getting back together once he comes back. I just wish I would not miss him so much and be able to focus on me completely. I am not going to cave, I certainly won't contact him. But the pain of not hearing from him.... it's soooo terrible.

 

I miss being close, I miss telling him everything and being a team, being his partner.

After all, our relationship was awesome!

 

I can't believe he did this to me and I am so mad at him, even though I also feel sorry for him, knowing his struggle for emancipation and being his own man, self sufficient and all. I have been doing okay the past two weeks, but for some reason today is the worst day ever.

 

Day 3 of no contact. The worst day. I wish it would get better, but it seems it is only getting worse. We have NEVER not talked for longer than 2 days. This is the first time he has not reached out after me not talking to him for 2 days straight. I am sooooo sad.

 

All I think about is how we kissed at the airport a month ago and everything was okay. And I imagine him coming back kissing me again and everything being okay again.

I can't imagine anything else. I don't want to right now.

[RyanO1991]

At some point, you'll need to accept that it's over and that you can live a life without him.

 

Of course you'll need time, but try not to just remember the good memories. Think of the times that you were unhappy too - maybe things he did or said. What were the disadvantages with being in a relationship with him? What did you not like?

 

Well done for maintaining the NC. It's hard but it's worth it. One day at a time.

[evanop]

At some point, you'll need to accept that it's over and that you can live a life without him.

 

Of course you'll need time, but try not to just remember the good memories. Think of the times that you were unhappy too - maybe things he did or said. What were the disadvantages with being in a relationship with him? What did you not like?

 

Well done for maintaining the NC. It's hard but it's worth it. One day at a time.

 

Well, there weren't really any negatives. I can't remember anything bad about him except that he left his socks everywhere, and that's not a reason to break up with someone.

We were a wonderful team. I just don't understand his logic...

[RyanO1991]

Well, there weren't really any negatives. I can't remember anything bad about him except that he left his socks everywhere, and that's not a reason to break up with someone.

We were a wonderful team. I just don't understand his logic...

 

At least you have those memories and you need time to think those through.

 

When you feel ready, see if you can start to push them out. I used to wear an elastic band on my wrist and every time I thighs abiut my ex, I'd ping it against my wrist. It helped me change my thoughts.

 

He's treated you badly, there's no denying that. Remember that. It seems that there is nobody else who could match with you like he did and show you the same kind of love, but there are so many genuinely loving people.

 

There are lots of kind-hearted people out there who will care without hoping to gain anything - this forum is evidence of that.

 

You deserve better. Stay strong.

[evanop]

At least you have those memories and you need time to think those through.

 

When you feel ready, see if you can start to push them out. I used to wear an elastic band on my wrist and every time I thighs abiut my ex, I'd ping it against my wrist. It helped me change my thoughts.

 

He's treated you badly, there's no denying that. Remember that. It seems that there is nobody else who could match with you like he did and show you the same kind of love, but there are so many genuinely loving people.

 

There are lots of kind-hearted people out there who will care without hoping to gain anything - this forum is evidence of that.

 

You deserve better. Stay strong.

 

 

Yes of course there are many loving people out there. But not everyone is a good fit. Him and we were an amazing fit. We had the best chemistry I ever had with anyone, let alone a boyfriend. I am close to 30 and have had many serious relationships. This one was the best I ever had. And I really thought we'd get married and build a family etc. We planned to move to my hometown together next summer. It all just does not make sense.

[RyanO1991]

Yes of course there are many loving people out there. But not everyone is a good fit. Him and we were an amazing fit. We had the best chemistry I ever had with anyone, let alone a boyfriend. I am close to 30 and have had many serious relationships. This one was the best I ever had. And I really thought we'd get married and build a family etc. We planned to move to my hometown together next summer. It all just does not make sense.

 

I know how you feel - it doesn't seem logical that someone suddenly changes. But the fact is this was something that they have been thinking about for a while. Instead of having the courage to tell us and give us the chance to work on things, they threw it away. They were lazy and weak.

 

It's hard to accept that the people we had such a connection with are gone, but we have to do our best to accept it.

 

One day we'll meet other partners who we have chemistry with, but it will be in another way. We won't compare them to our exes because the relationship will be different, but no less meaningful.

[evanop]

He contacted me again 3 days after No Contact. Told me he wants to talk. I asked him why. He said because he misses me. I told him I was on my way out. He was sad. I ended the conversation. It has been 4 days since.

 

This is the longest we ever went without being in touch. This is the longest we ever went without talking to one another. I miss him endlessly.

 

He will be back in 7 weeks. If we'd stayed in the LDR, he'd be back in my arms. for good. Since he ended it, he will still be coming back, but not as my man. He'll be coming just as a guy I used to be close to... and I wonder what will happen... It's driving me insane.

He says we may have a chance again. He just needed some space from the LDR. He says he loves me and he is not with anyone else until he sees me again. I don't know if I should wait or move on.

[evanop]

It's been five days. I feel so empty. I want to share my life with him and can't. It's a nightmare.

[Fatty23]

I would say dont contact him first. If he really cares he'll reach out again. He'll beg and plead with you to take him back. He needs to do more than just an "I miss you" text. That's half-assed and doesn't mean he wants to get back together. I once told a guy I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore because he blew me off one too many times. He wouldn't commit to me or tell me he had feelings. After a couple months he messaged me saying he couldn't take not talking to me anymore and told me he loved me and wishes he was with me, and that I could've moved in with him. Admitted he made a mistake etc. it was everything I had been wanting to hear for the 3 years we were on and off (never fully being exclusive). It was too late for me though. I was already in an amazing relationship with someone else. My point is he'll come around eventually if he really wants you in his life. Don't wait for someone who isn't waiting for you. He's not sure about you so he's keeping you on the back burner. You need to show him what life is really like without you. Maybe he made a mistake, and people do no one's perfect, but he'll try to fix it if he really loves you. Make him work for you. Make him fight for the relationship.

[evanop]

I would say dont contact him first. If he really cares he'll reach out again. He'll beg and plead with you to take him back. He needs to do more than just an "I miss you" text. That's half-assed and doesn't mean he wants to get back together. I once told a guy I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore because he blew me off one too many times. He wouldn't commit to me or tell me he had feelings. After a couple months he messaged me saying he couldn't take not talking to me anymore and told me he loved me and wishes he was with me, and that I could've moved in with him. Admitted he made a mistake etc. it was everything I had been wanting to hear for the 3 years we were on and off (never fully being exclusive). It was too late for me though. I was already in an amazing relationship with someone else. My point is he'll come around eventually if he really wants you in his life. Don't wait for someone who isn't waiting for you. He's not sure about you so he's keeping you on the back burner. You need to show him what life is really like without you. Maybe he made a mistake, and people do no one's perfect, but he'll try to fix it if he really loves you. Make him work for you. Make him fight for the relationship.

 

 

Hey I mean I am aware that i need to keep up the no contact. But it is really difficult. I feel like it gets more difficult with everyday. Today is day six. It's a nightmare. When I wake up, I hope to hear from him. First thing I do is check my phone and all social media for messages or clues. It's pathetic.

[Fatty23]

It's not pathetic! I still do it.. I have felt the same way you do. Sometimes I felt totally ok with not contacting him and other times I felt a ton of anxiety like if I don't talk to him he'll forget about me completely or something stupid. But I just felt the need to text. I always regretted it though because he would respond but it wouldn't be the same. And then I'd be reminded again that he doesn't want me. And I would feel stupid and like I lost all progress. I suggest that when you feel those urges you should either message a friend that you can vent to. Or you should write him a message but never send it. So write it maybe on the notepad on your phone. Those desires to communicate will soon be fleeting. I can't believe how much progress I've made in just a couple days! I'm even talking to other guys and it's kinda fun.

[evanop]

It's not pathetic! I still do it.. I have felt the same way you do. Sometimes I felt totally ok with not contacting him and other times I felt a ton of anxiety like if I don't talk to him he'll forget about me completely or something stupid. But I just felt the need to text. I always regretted it though because he would respond but it wouldn't be the same. And then I'd be reminded again that he doesn't want me. And I would feel stupid and like I lost all progress. I suggest that when you feel those urges you should either message a friend that you can vent to. Or you should write him a message but never send it. So write it maybe on the notepad on your phone. Those desires to communicate will soon be fleeting. I can't believe how much progress I've made in just a couple days! I'm even talking to other guys and it's kinda fun.

 

YEs, I have a notepad open and keep writing my thoughts down every time I feel the need to talk to him, and it does help.

FOr a while, I fled into talking to his twin brother... ridiculous, I know. It's like talking to him but not. I am done with that now too.

My friends are so burned out from listening to my whining though.

 

I have to focus on school and on being healthy, but it is so difficult.

The worst thing is that I keep checking his facebook/instagram, to see what he has been up to. Gosh. And it drives me nuts as I keep analyzing every thing he posts, but also keep reading his last messages, which were so positive and hopeful, almost as if all we need is time to get through this time apart and then once he stands in front of my door again in 7 weeks, things will be ok again.

The thing is... I KNOW things will work out for us if he comes back.

 

But what if he changes his mind about coming back in the first place?

Then I will never see him again and my love is forever lost. That is my biggest fear. But from the looks of it, and from what his brother told me a few days ago, and also from what HE himself told me 6 days ago - he just needs to focus on his work right now. That seems to be all he is doing. His words were "Don't worry about me being with someone else. I won't be until I come back. My only focus is my work right now. I just need some space. When I come back, i really want to reconnect and see if we may have another chance, because, I love you so much..."

Gosh, I hate him so much for saying these things. It's like he is dragging me along... It's so hard to move on when the other person is still giving you such blatant hope.

[Fatty23]

I don't understand why he broke up with you if he's gonna be back in less than 2 months. It would make sense if it were like still 6 months out or something. I wouldn't hold on to what he's saying. I feel like people when they break up say one thing, but the next day they can change their minds. I think guys can be stubborn and want to stick to their decision. I guess only time will tell. I hope it works out for you and me!

[evanop]

I don't understand why he broke up with you if he's gonna be back in less than 2 months. It would make sense if it were like still 6 months out or something. I wouldn't hold on to what he's saying. I feel like people when they break up say one thing, but the next day they can change their minds. I think guys can be stubborn and want to stick to their decision. I guess only time will tell. I hope it works out for you and me!

 

Yes, I know, only 3 months total. We went long distance 3 months before, and it was very difficult. He barely got anything done on his work because he spent so much time attending to our relationship, as we were super hyper in love, honeymoon phase, etc. This time around, he knew it was all or nothing. He needed to finish his project in order to make enough money and establish himself so he could come back and be independent. He has ADHD too, and trouble dividing his attention. He's got a lot of issues in this regard, always striving for the perfect solution to his problems. I think he made this decision and now needs to stick with it.

He still said a week ago he loves me, which is making it more difficult for me. We have been broken up for 3 weeks now and it has been the most difficult thing in my life. I am quite the wreck. I wish I could just move on but it is so hard because I know in 50 days he will be standing on my doormat.

And then what?

 

...

[Fatty23]

The other day I was talking to a friend I met at school. She's 9 years older than me and married. she's had a lot more dating experience than I. She told me this and I think it applies to you as well: stop trying to understand him. Stop trying to understand the situation and just accept it for what it is regardless of the reason. We fixate on their problems so we can come up with a solution. But the reality is there's nothing we can do to change or fix it. It's their internal problem they need to handle on their own. All we can do is be supportive of what they're going through but also stand our ground. Not let them walk all over us and come and go as they please.

[guest569]

Well, there weren't really any negatives. I can't remember anything bad about him except that he left his socks everywhere, and that's not a reason to break up with someone.

We were a wonderful team. I just don't understand his logic...

 

There are negatives.. the way that he treated you by breaking it off, then going back and forth on the decision. And continuing to torture you with these emotional wreck emails. That is very immature and cruel of him. Is it possible to block his emails? Or send them to a spam folder or something for a while? What you're going through really sucks and will be painful for a while. No contact gets easier, the more time goes by.. It is tough at first but the best way is now and don't look back.

[evanop]

There are negatives.. the way that he treated you by breaking it off, then going back and forth on the decision. And continuing to torture you with these emotional wreck emails. That is very immature and cruel of him. Is it possible to block his emails? Or send them to a spam folder or something for a while? What you're going through really sucks and will be painful for a while. No contact gets easier, the more time goes by.. It is tough at first but the best way is now and don't look back.

 

But why not look back to something that was so wonderful?

The best 8 months of my life. I never felt so much love from a person.

And all of a sudden, it's all gone.

 

9 days NC now. I am proud of myself. I have been working hard on my thesis, going to the gym, meeting new people, spending time with my pets.

But what really bothers me is that it has been so easy for him. Not talking to me for 9 days. That he enjoys this, not having me in his life, especially after saying so many times that he still wants me in his life.

I just don't get how it can be so easy to him to not contact me. I know it is very hard for me and I think about him every day.

[Fatty23]

But why not look back to something that was so wonderful?

The best 8 months of my life. I never felt so much love from a person.

And all of a sudden, it's all gone.

 

9 days NC now. I am proud of myself. I have been working hard on my thesis, going to the gym, meeting new people, spending time with my pets.

But what really bothers me is that it has been so easy for him. Not talking to me for 9 days. That he enjoys this, not having me in his life, especially after saying so many times that he still wants me in his life.

I just don't get how it can be so easy to him to not contact me. I know it is very hard for me and I think about him every day.

 

I was thinking the same exact things too until I went out with someone else. I don't think he's fine and doesn't care I just think men especially, know how to compartmentalize. I was so upset about my last relationship but I went out with a new guy the other day and we had so much chemistry. I didn't think it would be possible. I had a great time and it helped me to stop obsessing over my ex. I got excited about the future. To be with someone that really wants to be with me and love me. It's probably not this guy at all but going on that date helped me realize there are so many men out there. I'm bound to click with another. And it didn't hurt that he was gorgeous. Now I'm bummed because he hasn't asked me out again but says we will hang out again. Hmmm.. Lol I still love my ex but right now it's easy to put him on the back burner.

[evanop]

I was thinking the same exact things too until I went out with someone else. I don't think he's fine and doesn't care I just think men especially, know how to compartmentalize. I was so upset about my last relationship but I went out with a new guy the other day and we had so much chemistry. I didn't think it would be possible. I had a great time and it helped me to stop obsessing over my ex. I got excited about the future. To be with someone that really wants to be with me and love me. It's probably not this guy at all but going on that date helped me realize there are so many men out there. I'm bound to click with another. And it didn't hurt that he was gorgeous. Now I'm bummed because he hasn't asked me out again but says we will hang out again. Hmmm.. Lol I still love my ex but right now it's easy to put him on the back burner.

 

Well, considering that less than two weeks ago my ex was crying on the phone, telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me, that he can't wait to see me again in 2 months, and that he really wants to reconnect once he returns (we broke up when we were long distance). That at some point he said he thinks the breakup reasons were bull**** but that he really was not good at keeping up long distance whilst also trying to focus on building his self employment business (he has ADHD, focusing is something he has trouble with). And well, the fact that I was the one who said I wanted No contact for a while, to 'heal'.... And the fact that I was pretty much shutting him down in our last conversation..

 

The second to last time he wrote, it was because he wanted "to clarify that he won't be with anyone else until he returns", and that he looks forward to seeing me, and that all he needs is some space, as his business has his sole focus right now.

 

The second time he wrote me, he mentioned that he wanted to talk to me because he missed me.

And all I wrote was that I was busy and not able to talk right now, and that he should go to sleep...

 

If it was up to him, we'd probably still be talking. Maybe it alleviates his guilt. Maybe he truly needs me to be there for him, as he doesn't have too many close friends. Maybe it was just because he was used to me. But I wanted to be strong. And I didn't want him to play with me anymore.

And here I am, sitting in my room, writing on this forum because my strength is all put into working my ass off for school, but when I close the books and the word files, I sit here missing him, thinking of him, wondering about him. It's very difficult.

 

Tomorrow I will wake up, and it will be 10 days without any contact. And it truly is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Because;

1) I miss him.

2) I hate the uncertainty.

3) I wonder what he is up to.

4) I can't stop thinking about him and our time together.

5) I count down the days to his return (48).

 

...

Edited October 24, 2016 by evanop