spiderowl Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 She doesn't want to be in touch or she would have left the way open. Blocking you makes it definite. It is a clear message. I know you want some kind of resolution. There are many situations in life where there is no resolution or understanding. Seeking one will just drive you crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 Very helpful answers, thank you. BUT.. Apart from all the history and major reasons we broke up. I've a regret in my mind that I was unkind at the the moment of leaving., When we broke up I said although i still loved her, even though she said she's not ready for a relationship, I need one, so I will be looking for a new partner. Reflecting I now don't know whether she may have had an agenda that we might get back in the future. Either way, maybe it was cruel that I said this, even though I said that I'd be prepared to be friends (as that's what she said she'd hoped). So I left her house agreeing we'd be friends. But then after two days of quiet, she cut me off (Facebook, cancelled me off her invites to group social events etc.) After two weeks of reflection I'm thinking of sending her this (by text or letter): "It was all a bit of a blur when we split up, and fast moving. Reflecting, in the heat of the moment, I may have said some unkind things. (Maybe we both did.) We had something special and I thought we would at least be able to call upon one another as friends in the future, maybe help us through the hard times, these and future ones too. I was of course surprised and hurt at how quickly and unexpectedly you withdrew contact (Facebook, Meetup) especially after we said we'd stay open as friends. So I guess something changed. We hurt each other for sure and we both need a lot of healing. I just don't know whether it's best we do that completely separately and put it all behind us, albeit with the bitterness that's obviously there, or whether we can get some comfort from talking as friends? Do you think it might help, us both, and individually? If you would like to talk then let me know. Personally I think I'd like that very much. If I don't hear then I'll respect your privacy and leave you alone. My name X Good idea or bad? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Just stop. After reading your original thread again, I think it's best for you to stop working so hard to keep a drama queen in your life. Maybe use some of that energy toward gaining some self-respect that you're so desperate to keep a person like this in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Yikes. That's an awful email. Do NOT send that. It reeks of passive-aggressiveness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Don't send the email - it's not a good one. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 By blocking you completely she has sent you a CLEAR message she does not want to engage with you, she DOES NOT want you in her life. If she wanted "closure" or to discuss anything with you or to be your friend, she would be blowing up your phone. She wants to be left alone, please respect her wishes. DO NOT send that email. When people are done, they are just done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 I know, I know. I'm just having such difficulty moving on. I'm working out (a lot! and it's one of the few things I enjoy!), I have a new job (frankly that I hate and is in jeopardy, because I'm not working properly as I'm obsessing about this and my depression - it's a sales job and I'm finding the constant rejection painful). I'm even going on dates, although I'm not ready for a relationship, just companionship. I don't have any family left (my daughter who I am close to is moving abroad, and although we talk almost daily, I can't tell her of my true insecurities and depressions.) I'm so lonely - and missing having that other half. The exGF was so sweet when it worked and I find it such a loss of those great times. She was so cruel in what she said in the last part of our relationship and I know we can never go back: I can't ever trust her again, and I can't get over her selfishness. I know that the problem is now with me. I need to move on. Forget her. Get a (new) life! Because I keep OBSESSING that I ought to say one last thing (like that text above) why shouldn't I just do it? I think it will help me - won't it? If she ignores it, then at least I tried. If she communicates then we can see if we can be friends. If we can't then again at least we exhausted the possibility. Maybe I'm unbalanced though, and we can't be friends - we hurt eachother too much already. I know, I am obsessing, anxious and depressed, but I feel I have to try everything to get out of it. As ever, thanks for your patience and support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 ps. And I know, the sensible option is to continue NC, continue my gym, contact old friends/ make new friends and focus on my job. But I just can't at the moment, I feel I am an emotional mess. Maybe I need to move town? The associations here are just painful (lost GF, lost job) and I don't have any ties here any more. Is that running away unhealthily, or making a new start, healthily? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 ps. And I know, the sensible option is to continue NC, continue my gym, contact old friends/ make new friends and focus on my job. But I just can't at the moment, I feel I am an emotional mess. Maybe I need to move town? The associations here are just painful (lost GF, lost job) and I don't have any ties here any more. Is that running away unhealthily, or making a new start, healthily? Don't move unless there is something seriously great to move for ie a fantastic new job maybe, otherwise all your troubles will just follow you and then you will just be alone and lonely in a new unfamiliar place... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 (edited) From your other thread Fast forward to a month ago, we had our first disagreement. It was really something and nothing but it developed into a two day sulk, where I felt I couldn't say anything right to her so I left her be for a couple of days for us both to calm down. Then she called a meeting and told me it was over! No discussion, no warning. She told me I blew it: apparently I showed here traits of her ex-bullying husband and the fact I didn't go to her to put it right immediately, meant that I was 'just like him' and not right for her. I have been devastated at how she can drop our relationship so coldly, so clinically. She did that because the "silent treatment" is textbook narcissistic abuse, and yes she may have overreacted slightly, IF your intentions were just to give some space but narcissistic abuse from her ex, will have messed with her head and she will NOT want to go through that again. "The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control." Edited October 5, 2016 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 Elaine, your ref to the silent treatment - maybe you misunderstood? I did not give her silent treatment. She sulked on me/ gave me the silent treatment. I tried to contact her and make up but tried to give her a little space too. Did you mean I am narc or she is? Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Dangerous, you are fighting NC (and the posters who are encouraging it) tooth and nail. At this point, just do what you're gonna do and deal with the results. Some people need a little more time and a little more pain than others to learn their lesson. Truthfully, the most likely result is that she will either ignore you or respond negatively, and you'll end up feeling about a hundred million times worse than you do now. Do what you will, but don't say we didn't warn you. Also that email really was terrible..I hope that if you do break NC, you don't do it with that email. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Dangerous, you are fighting NC (and the posters who are encouraging it) tooth and nail. At this point, just do what you're gonna do and deal with the results. Some people need a little more time and a little more pain than others to learn their lesson. Truthfully, the most likely result is that she will either ignore you or respond negatively, and you'll end up feeling about a hundred million times worse than you do now. Do what you will, but don't say we didn't warn you. Also that email really was terrible..I hope that if you do break NC, you don't do it with that email. I take it back. Another possible result of breaking NC is that she responds positively and you get your hopes up even though you keep insisting that you don't want her back (nonsense, you clearly do..you may be able to talk yourself into believing that you don't but you're not fooling anyone else, including her), then you get smacked back down again, and rougher than last time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 tbh, I am leaning on the side of keeping up the NC. I've listened to a lot of your suggestions and read up on the forum and I agree that contacting her won't help. I have to go through this.. ps. I really don't see why everyone hates my text though - it is unfortunately the way I think, oh dear Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Write to your ex here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/556556-no-contact-support-thread-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex-33.html 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Elaine, your ref to the silent treatment - maybe you misunderstood? I did not give her silent treatment. She sulked on me/ gave me the silent treatment. I tried to contact her and make up but tried to give her a little space too. Did you mean I am narc or she is? I don't think either of you were narcs but I guess her ex may have been. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 tbh, I am leaning on the side of keeping up the NC. I've listened to a lot of your suggestions and read up on the forum and I agree that contacting her won't help. I have to go through this.. ps. I really don't see why everyone hates my text though - it is unfortunately the way I think, oh dear Because it is condescending, passive aggressive, desperate and whiny... I hope you do keep NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) Well, I held off on the NC. Then two days ago she texted me. She asked me if I was ok, and to tell her if I don't want contact, or would I like some company and meet for a drink. I figured this was a big step for her to break NC. All I did was wait a day, then texted back. "Thank you". Another day has passed. But the complication is there is a group meet tomorrow night that we are both going to (originally we were going as a couple, but now obviously we would arrive separately). I'm not relishing the event, or seeing her in a group. TBH I'd much prefer to see her privately and see if we can clear the air and maybe be friends, now that a little time has passed. Edited October 20, 2016 by dangerous Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 Well today she pulled out of the event. I think I feel worse now than if she went. I am so confused Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted November 8, 2016 Author Share Posted November 8, 2016 I just wanted to finish off this thread in case anyone was interested. After some resumed contact, we met up and also texted, I finally realised that I still wanted to give our relationship another go whereas she did not. It was clearer than ever that we were both in different places and so I told her I couldn't do the friends thing. Frankly I was finding her 'friendly' approaches false and irritating. So I told her I'm out and hung up. I promptly blocked her and deleted her number and messages. I'm now on the next day and I feel I did the right thing. She was no good for me any more and it took me around 3 months to get here. I hope my up & down story is of some help to others on here. Link to post Share on other sites
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