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tbseller

By tbseller
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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tbseller New Member

tbseller

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Hi,

 

So my ex and I finished 4 years ago! I see her around from time to time but have no contact.

 

I few months back we got talking again. To be honest I never really got over her all this time.

 

We ended up getting back together. I few weeks down the line and it's over again. And i'm feeling all the rejection of the first break up.

 

The reasons for the first break up were really complicated and I felt unfair. She always turns up at things that I have arranged with mutual friends. I am always civil whilst she always does her best to ignore me, but then shouts after me when when I'm leaving.

 

She has said she doesn't want me not liking her and wants to know me and that I mean a lot to her. But I have said this is not an option because I feel so strong about her. When she broke it off she said it was because I left her. I did leave but only because the situation was killing me because she was always (and always is) hot and cold with me. I have told her I love her, so she knows how I feel but this seems to do nothing and she is still hot and cold.

 

I know i'm doing the right thing by leaving it. I would just like some advice/reassurance, every couple of days is a struggle. I always feel like I can't move on because of her. I wish she would just disappear or just leave me alone!! Why get back with me, just to make herself feel better yeah?

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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I always feel like I can't move on because of her. I wish she would just disappear or just leave me alone!! Why get back with me, just to make herself feel better yeah?

 

My guess is that she receives some much needed validation/satisfaction by knowing that you're on the string, and all she has to do is wiggle her finger and you'll come running, always ready for another cycle... while at the same time giving you nothing but heartache.

 

You need to change things up and get off this merry-go-round. No contact, a new girlfriend, a new city... remove her from your sphere of influence. Realize that a functional relationship is the goal, and that's not her.

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tbseller New Member

tbseller

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Yeah I know. I can't move anywhere because I can't afford it. Otherwise I would!

 

It's crazy how I know all this but still just can't let go. I don't even like her when I think about how awful she is, I feel angry.

 

I think it's the idea have having some one and being on my own. I know all of this but still can't shake it off. I was doing so well as well. I feel like an idiot.

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smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

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She's feeding her ego with each and every contact that is made between you. As hard as it will be, you need to stay distant towards her. If she turns up, just simply ignore. Make it clear that you do not want to speak to her - she's your past, not your future. I would not normally say this and usually advise to be polite, but it's clear she's hanging around just to get a reaction. Therefore I reckon you need to be a bit tougher with her and close that final door. I'm not saying be angry or shout at her, but simply ignore or if you have to say anything, just say a hi and then walk away. She'll get the message and someone who lives off her ego, will not want it bruised.

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tbseller New Member

tbseller

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I know. To be honest I think I have been WAY!! to nice about everything. It kind of worked for me as well though, because I did want her again and I knew (although she dumped me) That it wasn't over. And that I am a good guy.

 

Sucks!! haha

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I know. To be honest I think I have been WAY!! to nice about everything. It kind of worked for me as well though, because I did want her again and I knew (although she dumped me) That it wasn't over. And that I am a good guy.

 

Sucks!! haha

 

Good guy is great but just don't be a doormat. You need to enforce boundaries. She knows you buckle so she pushes. She uses you for an ego feed. I mean she was pretty blatant about it.

 

The next time you bump into her, ignore her. If she throws a fit, walk away. Block her from your phone/social media. If she gets in your face and you feel you need to address her psychosis, then tell her you want her to stop attempting contact with you and to leave you alone.

 

You need to be firm. She thinks she can walk all over you.

 

I know it hurts but always think about the person she is -- when the fog has lifted, you'll thank your lucky stars.

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aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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Wait, what? A reconciliation failed and failed fast? Knock me down with a feather! :)

 

You have an excellent learning lesson here. Reconciliations RARELY work out, most end shortly after trying again. You need to accept that you two simply are not compatible and move on. You've failed twice already, even after a 4 year break. Once not compatible, always not compatible.

 

You simply need to block her everywhere. Delete her phone number and block it. Block her on social media and don't go to the same places you're apt to run into her.

 

In the meantime, keep dating new people. You will run into someone that you do get along with and like. It takes time but she's out there.

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Frozensushi Established Member

Frozensushi

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Wait, what? A reconciliation failed and failed fast? Knock me down with a feather! :)

 

I should come to this forum a long time ago. :(

 

Good guy is great but just don't be a doormat. You need to enforce boundaries.

 

I was a doormat for an entire year. The one thing I learned is not having healthy boundaries puts you on the fast track to heartbreak. It caused me a lot of internal struggles and unneeded stress because I wasn't being me.

 

My Ex's emotions were so fragile I didn't want to rock the boat. So I would take the blame and grovel at her feet everytime we got into an argument. Little did I know that this gave her an amazing power over me. I noticed half way through our time together she gained this attitude, she'd look at me like I was pathetic.

 

Don't be a doormat. I just picked up a book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover. In the introduction of the book, it described me perfectly. The book so far has been a HUGE eye opener. I suggest picking it up.

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tbseller New Member

tbseller

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Thanks for the advice. You are all completely right. I'm going to have a look at that book. When she got back with me she was saying all this nice stuff to me about me. Wish I would of just told her to f off then. I need to look at my attachment stuff as well.

 

Thanks people! It's good to know there is support out there.

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aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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I was a doormat for an entire year.

 

Ha! Who doesn't have Nike shoe prints on their forehead at least once in their lives? :p

 

The one thing I learned is not having healthy boundaries puts you on the fast track to heartbreak. It caused me a lot of internal struggles and unneeded stress because I wasn't being me.

 

Yup, I bought that ground too and have the participation trophy too!

 

My Ex's emotions were so fragile I didn't want to rock the boat. So I would take the blame and grovel at her feet everytime we got into an argument. Little did I know that this gave her an amazing power over me. I noticed half way through our time together she gained this attitude, she'd look at me like I was pathetic.

 

Mmm... walking the egg shells is SUPER FUN! What's sad is we are so quick to accept there hot/cold behavior and ferocious mood swings. Only when we break free from their toxicity do we realize how F'd up we were!

 

OP, again, you'll be fine! You're going to have some up/down days but stay NC, ignore and you'll get through it and come out grateful it's behind you.

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Frozensushi Established Member

Frozensushi

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Mmm... walking the egg shells is SUPER FUN! What's sad is we are so quick to accept there hot/cold behavior and ferocious mood swings. Only when we break free from their toxicity do we realize how F'd up we were!

 

It's such a painful realization when I replay everything in my head. I'm trying not to dwell on it. I just wish I was stronger at the time and had the courage to just walk out, like every other guy in her life did before me.

 

OP, just as aloneinaz said, NC is the best route. It's like ripping off a bandaid fast instead of removing it slowly. I'm in the same place as you, I know it's difficult. Just stay strong.

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whatnot Established Member

whatnot

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She has said she doesn't want me not liking her and wants to know me and that I mean a lot to her.
Being nice is over-rated. I'm with Zahara on this one.

 

Taking the High Road. (sorta like turning the other cheek)

 

Good luck

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tbseller New Member

tbseller

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No, No. I have been FAR to nice. It's all just hit me. I've never really been a nice guy in the past. I think because I wasn't and lost a good relationship because of it, I must now be trying TOO hard to be nice.

 

Well i'm going to revert back, not all the way (because I could be pretty horrible for no reason). But AT LEAST stand up for myself and not be a doormat. I get NOTHING from it and only pain, whilst missing out on nice woman.

 

It is ridiculous thinking about it now! I'm buying that book and moving on. Can't wait to ignore her the next time I see her. That did REALLY get her going the first time, then I broke. Not this time.

 

Thanks people

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