How to Recover from a Break Up with a Sensitive/Anxious Person

[ExposedBrick]

I'm a 32 yo guy who just broke up with a highly sensitive, anxious woman. She is a truly sweet gal and I'll miss her. Things just ended 1.5 weeks ago. While we both had our reasons for wanting to break up, I'm having trouble figuring out if something I do is particularly toxic or she just interpreted things in a very sensitive way. I want to grow as a person and learn from my mistakes but I also don't want to place unnecessary blame on myself. We dated for a little more than 2 years.

 

Her primary problem with me was she didn't like the frequency or style of our fights. Upon questioning, she felt that getting in a fight once per month seemed like too much. As a very sensitive person, she always stated that fights were hard on her. She told me her parents never got in fights but only had "discussions." She thought that me raising my voice during conflict/fight was not acceptable. She also didn't like that I would retaliate and push her buttons about things when she said or did something offensive to me. She thought I should just tell her it was hurtful instead of escalating the situation. While some of my behaviors aren't perfect or ideal, I'm also not sure they were that horrible or toxic.

 

Personally, I did not grow up in an environment where conflicts were handled constructively. Honestly, she kind of made me feel horrible.

 

If you have dated a sensitive person, any advice?

How do I know if my behaviors are toxic or she reacted in an overly sensitive way? Or Both? Were are styles of conflict just not compatible? Is there a "normal" frequency or style of fighting?

[Frozensushi]

If you have dated a sensitive person, any advice?

How do I know if my behaviors are toxic or she reacted in an overly sensitive way? Or Both? Were are styles of conflict just not compatible? Is there a "normal" frequency or style of fighting?

 

I dated an extremely sensitive woman. She came from a troubled childhood, her father abandoned her, step-father physically and emotionally abused her.

 

My Ex was very insecure and desperately needed validation and nurturing from me constantly. If I ever raised my voice or was honest with her in a direct way, she would become upset and say I was being mean or judgmental and would ask me to leave. It's like she couldn't regulate her emotions, so EVERYTHING in her life was overly dramatic.

 

Even though I was very loving and tried harder to please her than I have with any other woman I've ever dated, my Ex felt that our relationship actually hurt her instead of bringing her joy. In her eyes, I was the aggressor and she was the victim. Does this sound familiar?

[somecamel]

I dated an extremely sensitive woman. She came from a troubled childhood, her father abandoned her, step-father physically and emotionally abused her.

 

My Ex was very insecure and desperately needed validation and nurturing from me constantly. If I ever raised my voice or was honest with her in a direct way, she would become upset and say I was being mean or judgmental and would ask me to leave. It's like she couldn't regulate her emotions, so EVERYTHING in her life was overly dramatic.

 

Even though I was very loving and tried harder to please her than I have with any other woman I've ever dated, my Ex felt that our relationship actually hurt her instead of bringing her joy. In her eyes, I was the aggressor and she was the victim. Does this sound familiar?

 

 

I read the same book as this

[basil67]

I fully agree with your ex. I'm not particularly sensitive, but I wouldn't be able to cope with the relationship as you describe it.

 

The way she wants the relationship to look is pretty much how my partnership of nearly 25 years looks. We don't fight - we discuss. We've never raised our voices or said unnecessarily hurtful things. That's not to say that nothing ever goes wrong - of course it does - but we deal with it in the most constructive manner we can.

 

Both my partner and I have never seen our respective parents fight either.

[Satu]

I made a rock-solid commitment to never employ harsh or demeaning speech with anyone, and I never do.

 

Once you make that commitment, it isn't difficult to stick to it.

 

Its one of the life-enhancing things you could ever do.

 

Harsh and demeaning speech is the number one relationship killer.

 

It always hurts, and it never helps.

 

Ban it from your behaviour.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Satu

[ExposedBrick]

My Ex was very insecure and desperately needed validation and nurturing from me constantly. If I ever raised my voice or was honest with her in a direct way, she would become upset and say I was being mean or judgmental and would ask me to leave. It's like she couldn't regulate her emotions, so EVERYTHING in her life was overly dramatic.

 

Even though I was very loving and tried harder to please her than I have with any other woman I've ever dated, my Ex felt that our relationship actually hurt her instead of bringing her joy. In her eyes, I was the aggressor and she was the victim. Does this sound familiar?

 

She comes from a great family. However, she was very self-conscious. She had low self-esteem about certain aspects of life. She frequently stated I was being judgemental, often when I was trying to help.

 

She seemed to think the nature of our fighting was too aggressive. She thought we were pinned against each other instead of trying to work through things together. She seemed to think I blamed her for things when I often times I was just voicing my frustration with the topic.

 

I never called her names or yelled at her like a child. However, some arguments did get heated and caused BOTH of our voices to be raised. Does this make me a bad person or someone who lacks ability to resolve conflict?

 

I don't know that she classified herself as the victim necessarily, but she did think a lot of what I said was harsh. The didn't always agree though.

[aloneinaz]

I have no patience or respect for people I date who raise their voice or yell when they are angry. Add to it that they spew out nasty, hateful remarks while they are in their angered state and it's a deal breaker for me.

 

I've dated a lot of Type A women with strong personalities. It's a common trait of that personality type. I don't date that personality type anymore and my fiance is laid back and calm. In 3 years, neither of us have raised our voices to each other during an argument.

 

Some people simply don't respond to that type of arguing at all and I can see why it would make them anxious. This is especially true of introverted or anti-confrontation types.

 

I think those two things are the areas you should address for your self improvement. If you start dating a new woman who likes to raise her voice and be demeaning, you're probably not with the right one.

[ExposedBrick]

I fully agree with your ex. I'm not particularly sensitive, but I wouldn't be able to cope with the relationship as you describe it.

 

The way she wants the relationship to look is pretty much how my partnership of nearly 25 years looks. We don't fight - we discuss. We've never raised our voices or said unnecessarily hurtful things. That's not to say that nothing ever goes wrong - of course it does - but we deal with it in the most constructive manner we can.

 

Both my partner and I have never seen our respective parents fight either.

 

Certainly, I'm trying accept some potentially less than ideal habits I may have. Can you please try to flesh out more when you think a discussion converts to a fight? How would me you characterize the differences?

 

I feel like an argument/fight is caused when both parties passionately oppose one another on a topic of discussion, leading to an escalation such as raising voices. How do you prevent the escalations?

[DarrenB]

She comes from a great family. However, she was very self-conscious. She had low self-esteem about certain aspects of life. She frequently stated I was being judgemental, often when I was trying to help.

 

She seemed to think the nature of our fighting was too aggressive. She thought we were pinned against each other instead of trying to work through things together. She seemed to think I blamed her for things when I often times I was just voicing my frustration with the topic.

 

I never called her names or yelled at her like a child. However, some arguments did get heated and caused BOTH of our voices to be raised. Does this make me a bad person or someone who lacks ability to resolve conflict?

 

I don't know that she classified herself as the victim necessarily, but she did think a lot of what I said was harsh. The didn't always agree though.

 

No, no it doesn't. We all handle conflict in our own specific way. Some tend to become the aggressor, some tend to take the easy and simple resolve, some not at all, in fact a mixture of all 3. Granted she's probably had a difficult past, but it doesn't mean that you have to cater to every need and expectation she wishes. You can only do so much until you start thinking and believing that you have to change in order to keep her satisfied and happy with you. That, is what's not healthy. That is somewhat victimizing you.

 

It's unfortunate that her past experience/s have made her into who she is today (highly sensitive and anxious person, like you stated), but it's just near enough impossible to avoid relationship-based conflict or arguing. Personally, I consider conflict in a relationship healthy in a sense (of course it's also the opposite, if you take into account severity of the situation or how it was handled), but if someone expects not to be between this at any given time, then there's literally no point bothering in a R/S, let alone an intimate, long-term one.

 

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, or think about it too much for that matter. It's not your fault, the compatibility between the two of you probably just became either too intense or deteriorated completely across a period of time.

[ExposedBrick]

I made a rock-solid commitment to never employ harsh or demeaning speech with anyone, and I never do.

 

Once you make that commitment, it isn't difficult to stick to it.

 

Its one of the life-enhancing things you could ever do.

 

Harsh and demeaning speech is the number one relationship killer.

 

It always hurts, and it never helps.

 

Ban it from your behaviour.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Could you please describe what you mean by demeaning here?

 

My difficulty here is that I don't think the things I said or did were demeaning. Was there something I posted that would indicate I was being my demeaning?

 

I never called her names or anything of the likes. I never put her down.

[ExposedBrick]

I have no patience or respect for people I date who raise their voice or yell when they are angry. Add to it that they spew out nasty, hateful remarks while they are in their angered state and it's a deal breaker for me.

 

I've dated a lot of Type A women with strong personalities. It's a common trait of that personality type. I don't date that personality type anymore and my fiance is laid back and calm. In 3 years, neither of us have raised our voices to each other during an argument.

 

Some people simply don't respond to that type of arguing at all and I can see why it would make them anxious. This is especially true of introverted or anti-confrontation types.

 

I think those two things are the areas you should address for your self improvement. If you start dating a new woman who likes to raise her voice and be demeaning, you're probably not with the right one.

 

I actually did date a woman like you described. However, I am nowhere near in the same ballpark as she was.

 

I did not say things to put her down, I fear maybe my description is not right here.

[Satu]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Could you please describe what you mean by demeaning here?

 

My difficulty here is that *I don't think the things I said or did were demeaning. Was there something I posted that would indicate I was being my demeaning?

 

I never called her names or anything of the likes. I never put her down.

 

*I'm not saying that you did. I was just making a general point about communication, based on my own experiences.

 

I would say that "demeaning" relates to words that make less of a persons intentions, feelings, or value.

 

That would be words such as 'stupid' 'crazy' 'dumb' 'ignorant'

 

Its easy to think of examples.

[basil67]

Certainly, I'm trying accept some potentially less than ideal habits I may have. Can you please try to flesh out more when you think a discussion converts to a fight? How would me you characterize the differences?

 

I feel like an argument/fight is caused when both parties passionately oppose one another on a topic of discussion, leading to an escalation such as raising voices. How do you prevent the escalations?

 

You prevent the escalations by putting your efforts into understanding where your partner is coming from. Instead of pushing your own point, you listen. Thing is, raised voices happen when people feel they aren't being heard. But if they feel their point is being listened to, they are far less likely to get angry.

 

When you've got opposing points of view, the goal is not to have your point win. Rather, it's about coming to a mutual understanding of "While I don't think the same way, I do understand why you feel the way you feel"

[Satu]

snip

However, some arguments did get heated and caused BOTH of our voices to be raised. *Does this make me a bad person or someone who lacks ability to resolve conflict?

 

I don't know that she classified herself as the victim necessarily, but she did think a lot of what I said was harsh. The didn't always agree though.

 

*No, I don't think it does.

 

We all work with the vocabulary we've been given, but in some cases the vocabulary we were given isn't the best or most helpful one, so we can benefit from making some changes to it.

 

That's been true for me, at least.

[basil67]

She seemed to think I blamed her for things when I often times I was just voicing my frustration with the topic.

 

It's hard to comment without knowing exactly what you said, but "I feel" statements can get your message across with a less likely chance of a partner feeling attacked or blamed and lead to them being on the defensive.

 

I looked online for examples and found this good one:

 

“You’ve left the kitchen a mess again! Can’t you ever clean up after yourself?” will escalate the conflict. Now take a look at how differently an “I message comes across: “I’m annoyed because I thought we agreed you’d clean up the kitchen after using it. What happened?”

 

I got it from this page Learning Peace - Six Steps for Resolving Conflicts

 

But if you Google "I statements" you'll get a wealth of information.

[ExposedBrick]

snip

 

 

 

 

We all work with the vocabulary we've been given, but in some cases the vocabulary we were given isn't the best or most helpful one, so we can benefit from making some changes to it.

 

That's been true for me, at least.

 

I'm not sure what you mean here.

[amaysngrace]

The louder they get the quieter I become.

 

It works like a charm.

[Satu]

I'm not sure what you mean here.

 

We grow up in families that have a certain style of communication, where certain words are consistently used, so we absorb them and fall into using them, with little or no awareness that we're actually doing so.

 

Sometimes that style of communication is helpful, and sometimes it isn't.

 

Hence the need to evaluate the way we use language.

 

 

Take care.

[sooshi]

I made a rock-solid commitment to never employ harsh or demeaning speech with anyone, and I never do.

 

Once you make that commitment, it isn't difficult to stick to it.

 

Its one of the life-enhancing things you could ever do.

 

Harsh and demeaning speech is the number one relationship killer.

 

It always hurts, and it never helps.

 

Ban it from your behaviour.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

 

Take care.

 

Satu, you are awesome. Thank you for being you.

[ExposedBrick]

We grow up in families that have a certain style of communication, where certain words are consistently used, so we absorb them and fall into using them, with little or no awareness that we're actually doing so.

 

Sometimes that style of communication is helpful, and sometimes it isn't.

 

Hence the need to evaluate the way we use language.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thanks.

 

I think we definitely had different approaches towards conflict resolution. She was a very passive person, always seeking to avoid conflict. Often times, she would become overwhelmed by not holding in her opinions. It often frustrated me that she wasn't assertive about basic things, such as when she wanted to go home when we were out doing things. For example, she wanted to leave a bar my friends and us were hanging out at. Instead of her just assertively telling me she wanted to leave and then leaving, we went outside to have a discussion. I didn't want to leave yet since I hadn't seen my friends in a while. She then started crying because she wanted me to go with her. I was confused and ended up just leaving with her at that time, which left me feeling resentful.

[basil67]

 

For example, she wanted to leave a bar my friends and us were hanging out at. Instead of her just assertively telling me she wanted to leave and then leaving, we went outside to have a discussion. I didn't want to leave yet since I hadn't seen my friends in a while. She then started crying because she wanted me to go with her. I was confused and ended up just leaving with her at that time, which left me feeling resentful.

 

Ha, the wanting to leave the bar thing frequently happens with me and my partner.

 

Yes, her leaving on her own is certainly an option. And it's something I've done a number of times. While I would much prefer if he left with me, I also understand him wanting to stay. It's one of those situations which requires give and take. And discussion.

 

Sometimes, we leave together before he's ready to go. Sometimes I stay longer than I would like. And on the occasions where I have to leave on my own, I remind myself of the times he's left before he was ready. I don't like it, but I accept it.

 

I'd also hope that you and your mates were including her in conversation. It's tough going to someone else's reunion.

[ExposedBrick]

*I'm not saying that you did. I was just making a general point about communication, based on my own experiences.

 

I would say that "demeaning" relates to words that make less of a persons intentions, feelings, or value.

 

That would be words such as 'stupid' 'crazy' 'dumb' 'ignorant'

 

Its easy to think of examples.

 

I never used any of those types of words. I did at times get angry with her when arguing, which would lead to escalating both of our voices.

 

How do you all handle anger towards your partner when you disagree? Is there a positive way? While discussing a topic we are very divided on, what should we do? Should I just stop talking, walk away, etc?

[ExposedBrick]

Ha, the wanting to leave the bar thing frequently happens with me and my partner.

 

Yes, her leaving on her own is certainly an option. And it's something I've done a number of times. While I would much prefer if he left with me, I also understand him wanting to stay. It's one of those situations which requires give and take. And discussion.

 

Sometimes, we leave together before he's ready to go. Sometimes I stay longer than I would like. And on the occasions where I have to leave on my own, I remind myself of the times he's left before he was ready. I don't like it, but I accept it.

 

I'd also hope that you and your mates were including her in conversation. It's tough going to someone else's reunion.

 

She just didn't tackle the conversation well. We had discussed beforehand, if you want to leave early we will get you a cab. That way, there is no resentment on my end and she still gets to go home.

[ExposedBrick]

You prevent the escalations by putting your efforts into understanding where your partner is coming from. Instead of pushing your own point, you listen. Thing is, raised voices happen when people feel they aren't being heard. But if they feel their point is being listened to, they are far less likely to get angry.

 

When you've got opposing points of view, the goal is not to have your point win. Rather, it's about coming to a mutual understanding of "While I don't think the same way, I do understand why you feel the way you feel"

 

I think this comment makes a lot of sense.

 

I actually feel like I understood her points of view when we got in arguments. However, I'd often raise my voice when I didn't feel like I was heard. In this way, I do feel like she played a victim as she never understood my point of view on things.

[sooshi]

How do you all handle anger towards your partner when you disagree? Is there a positive way? While discussing a topic we are very divided on, what should we do? Should I just stop talking, walk away, etc?

 

You can't control what someone else does, but you can control what you do.

 

Speak in a polite and civilized manner. Be respectful.

 

Tell them you that although you don't agree with their opinion, you respect it and you respect them.