Hopeful30 Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 I heard this in a film and remebered this advice forever. I will pass it onto you. "Don't choose the better man. Choose the man that makes the better YOU." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 Hard to say, but my gut for 'no dating two years after a divorce' rings 'it's a lie'. Especially combined with awkward schedule inavailabilities. If I were you I'd confirm with a background check that he's really divorced... I can give a couple of examples where this check turned essential. Even if they are fully divorced, they could still be very emotionally invested/sleeping together etc. This is why I really, really dislike dating divorced men with children. Any contact or time spent together can be excused by the children and there is not much you can do. I guess the best thing to do is be observant, don't invest, and stay open to the new information. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 ES, are you willing to be a step parent? Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 True. I agree - taking it slow and being observant is the best strategy in this situation. How old are the kids? If/when you meet them, you'll probably get a better idea. Even if they are fully divorced, they could still be very emotionally invested/sleeping together etc. This is why I really, really dislike dating divorced men with children. Any contact or time spent together can be excused by the children and there is not much you can do. I guess the best thing to do is be observant, don't invest, and stay open to the new information. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 ES, are you willing to be a step parent? Children are older, the older one is a teen, the younger is finishing school so I don't think they would need much parenting from me. I have never dated anyone with children (for more than a couple of dates) so I don't know what exactly would be expected of me. I mean, they already have their mother and father. To answer your question, ideally no. But there is no such thing as ideal and I would rather be with a man that has children but I have real chemistry with than someone that doesn't but I am meh about. The whole situation with guy #2 is a lot to take on. Children, divorce, close ex wife..... That's why I am not in a hurry to have any relationship talks for now. I need to figure out what I want as well. I have sort of backed off a little lately as things were starting to get more real, but the result is him only pursuing me more. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Those guys are probably asking themselves the same question or are you assuming that you are the only one they are seeing? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Children are older, the older one is a teen, the younger is finishing school so I don't think they would need much parenting from me. I have never dated anyone with children (for more than a couple of dates) so I don't know what exactly would be expected of me. I mean, they already have their mother and father. To answer your question, ideally no. But there is no such thing as ideal and I would rather be with a man that has children but I have real chemistry with than someone that doesn't but I am meh about. The whole situation with guy #2 is a lot to take on. Children, divorce, close ex wife..... That's why I am not in a hurry to have any relationship talks for now. I need to figure out what I want as well. I have sort of backed off a little lately as things were starting to get more real, but the result is him only pursuing me more. It may be that this guy wants a girlfriend, but not a full partner. Not a step mom, not a live in, etc. That could be ideal for both of you. Living with teenagers, even part time, is NOT an easy transition. I can imagine he might be looking to avoid blending dating with his home life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 (edited) Those guys are probably asking themselves the same question or are you assuming that you are the only one they are seeing? Of course I'm not assuming that since we didn't have the talk. They are free to see who they want. This thread is about me figuring out what I want. Edited October 2, 2016 by Eternal Sunshine Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 It may be that this guy wants a girlfriend, but not a full partner. Not a step mom, not a live in, etc. That could be ideal for both of you. Living with teenagers, even part time, is NOT an easy transition. I can imagine he might be looking to avoid blending dating with his home life. I am pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to handle living with teenagers. At the same time, if I was not included in the main part of his life, I won't get the emotional closeness I need. I am starting to realise that guy #2 is probably not for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I am starting to realise that guy #2 is probably not for me. I was getting the same impression. I think your intuition is right. He also made vague statements that he may still not be 100% ready for a relationship after his divorce (2 years ago). I think this is clear. It's hard because I don't feel like my standards are too high, I just haven't met anyone in 2 years that fulfils them. I am at an age where chemistry is not enough, a guy needs to have viable long term partner qualites for me to even start investing in. You'd rather be single with the prospect of finding a great match than coupled with a mediocre match, wondering if this is all there is. I'm the same way. It's not easy. But I'm realizing it's a choice I'm making because it really is what I want, what's best for me. Even though life's harder in some ways when I don't have a man in my life, I'm not going to be with just any guy so he can do man stuff for me. You can always just "pick somebody" if you feel that's the right thing to do. I don't see myself doing that. I'm learning to be truly happy and thrive in my single life. I relish my freedom and make the most of my life as it is. I also think it's great that you're dating and continuing to meet guys somewhere in the ballpark. It is a numbers game, especially when you're on a less-traveled path, as I feel that you and I both are. We both could have settled down with "somebody" by now, but something within us drives us to do better than that. I think this is a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I was getting the same impression. I think your intuition is right. I think this is clear. You'd rather be single with the prospect of finding a great match than coupled with a mediocre match, wondering if this is all there is. I'm the same way. It's not easy. But I'm realizing it's a choice I'm making because it really is what I want, what's best for me. Even though life's harder in some ways when I don't have a man in my life, I'm not going to be with just any guy so he can do man stuff for me. You can always just "pick somebody" if you feel that's the right thing to do. I don't see myself doing that. I'm learning to be truly happy and thrive in my single life. I relish my freedom and make the most of my life as it is. I also think it's great that you're dating and continuing to meet guys somewhere in the ballpark. It is a numbers game, especially when you're on a less-traveled path, as I feel that you and I both are. We both could have settled down with "somebody" by now, but something within us drives us to do better than that. I think this is a good thing. I am a dreamer like you guys. My BF is not the smartest, kindest most generous and best match in the entire world ( for me ), in PAPER. But he is still pretty generous, kind and he adores me and we are silly and joking around and making each other laugh about 90 percent of the time together. There really is something to be said about finding the right chemistry, with the right fit. As opposed to who is the absolute best person all around (the guy who is successful, well off, donated to charity and is handy with cars and the house). I think when you need to draw up a checklist then something must be missing; when I met my BF and my first love, the connection we had was far too compelling to dismiss them over a few attributes they may have been lacking on some mental list....... I mean providing a guy is reasonably compatible ( degree educated (ETs case), then one day I firmly believe that the right man will come along and surprise you both! I would like to think when up u meet the right man, you're u will BOTH just be super into each other, things will flow, and you will not want to risk screwing it until by dating others necessarily. There will not be time to question things since you will BOTH want to progress things along ( as opposed to leaving things up in the air ). I am sure guy 2 was into ET (what guy wouldn't be:lmao:) however, he is obviously just not feeling quite compelled enough to venture into a full blown relationship. It is either because ET a just isn't the One or he is genuinely not ready. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I'd date other men. I don't generally "wonder" when it seems right. If you're left wondering about both of them - then neither is likely a nice fit...for you. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 (edited) I haven't made a decision to end it with guy #2 yet. Edited October 2, 2016 by Eternal Sunshine Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Why not just date the more attractive one temporarily. Because that would be just settling. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I haven't made a decision to end it with guy #2 yet. I say date him as long as you enjoy it, but keep in mind that a long term, invested relationship doesn't seem to be what either of you wants from each other. He's only good for a love affair, and they may be all he's offering anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 I say date him as long as you enjoy it, but keep in mind that a long term, invested relationship doesn't seem to be what either of you wants from each other. He's only good for a love affair, and they may be all he's offering anyway. We had a talk tonight and it looks like we are on the same page. He said he wants to take things slowly and says that things went wrong in the past because he has a tendency to rush relationships. Overall, I feel pretty comfortable with the situation as it is now. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I've done that in the past here and there, and I knew a woman from the past who was always in two serious relationships with two guys. She was such a blatant user it was ridiculous (not that I am calling you that), but ultimately neither one is right and both are no longer in the picture. Why? There are a bunch of reasons why, but it sounds like if you choose either one you'll not be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 I was on an interview panel today and we interviwed this lady that's around 55. She is was very shy and nervous and in general unremarkable looking (sorry for non PC description). I actually liked her but the rest of the panel thought she was too shy and won't fit in with the team. Anyway, during a standard "tell us about yourself" question, she over-shared and told us her life story including how her H left her and she moved to Australia at 50, alone, to start her life over. She met and married her second H less than 2 years from moving. I was secretly thinking WTH? I always thought that you needed to be extroverted, confident and very attractive to even have a shot of meeting someone at an older age. I have no idea how it "just happens" to other people. I bet this lady didn't go to over 100 OLDs either :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 Maybe she doesn't have very high standards. Some people truly are content with "somebody". Sometimes I envy them! Link to post Share on other sites
Aniela Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 Maybe she doesn't have very high standards. Some people truly are content with "somebody". Sometimes I envy them! Or maybe she just met someone and fell in love. Shyness doesn't stop all women from following their hearts. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 I honestly think it gets easier over 50 because all the dreaded pressures (kids, mortgages etc) are behind and it is just about finding a great companion to enjoy your time with. Introvertedness is not at all a block for dating of women, especially for women that use OLD. I am deadly introverted, have never approached a guy even with a 'like' or message, and used to put pictures opposite of 'sexy' in my account (like my LinkedIn picture etc). Still there were plenty of OLD dudes willing to do the heavy lifting in communication for me. How are the things with guy 2? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 She met and married her second H less than 2 years from moving. I was secretly thinking WTH? I always thought that you needed to be extroverted, confident and very attractive to even have a shot of meeting someone at an older age. I have no idea how it "just happens" to other people. I bet this lady didn't go to over 100 OLDs either :/ It's attachment in many cases. Do you find it easy or difficult to attach to other people? Do you find that you tend to attach to people who are appropriate or inappropriate partners? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 (edited) ................. Edited October 5, 2016 by Eternal Sunshine Link to post Share on other sites
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