Ex girlfriend doesn't want our baby

[BettyDraper]

I really don't care what the peanut gallery thinks of my experience.

 

Not everyone is built the same and attaches / detaches the same. Not will I accept some garbage from a cheater apologist as reasonable judgment for my life experience.

 

Good for your Mom. Gold stars. She also stayed with your father and told you kids it was normal behaviour and that he was a great Dad. That's unhealthy stuff right there too.

 

I didn't abandon my child. In fact I never did. My husband did for stretches of time. I refused to damage her like that.

 

Why? Because my father's lavk of healthy bond with me damaged me into adulthood and I didn't want to put a little vulnerable person through that.

 

So I get where the OP'S ex is coming from. But she SIGNED OVER HER RIGHTS. She left the child behind free and clear. She didn't attach to her and then dump her off like so many do.

 

She tried to hand her off to her father instead of aborting.

 

For someone that would consider aborting, that's a pretty big deal. (I am not someone who could abort).

 

So as wonderful as your mother is / was: we all are designed that sweetly.

 

I would have thought that I would be a great, attached fiercely protective mom. But after what my husband did I wanted to drop and run. Those are feelings. Those are desires. I'm entitled to that.

 

You can feel free to judge me and discount my perception of my own life when I actually DO drop my kids and run.

 

When I stop trying to bond with them and fix the damage done to mine and my daughter's bond. Then have at it...

 

PREACH! It's amazing how some do not consider the effects of cheating on children. Kids can feel tension in the household even when parents do not disclose marital problems. Modeling acceptance of infidelity in marriage is awful as well.

 

Sometimes women stay because they are too afraid to raise children alone and they like the security of marriage at any cost. They lie and say that their decisions are about their children.

[dreamingoftigers]

PREACH! It's amazing how some do not consider the effects of cheating on children. Kids can feel tension in the household even when parents do not disclose marital problems. Modeling acceptance of infidelity in marriage is awful as well.

 

Sometimes women stay because they are too afraid to raise children alone and they like the security of marriage at any cost. They lie and say that their decisions are about their children.

 

I've stayed in my marriage (for the time being), but the actual infidelity was during my pregnancy. We've had other issues since then, but not that one.

 

My daughter doesn't know about it (she's seven now) and my son is six months old.

 

I didn't condone it, we've done MC and he ended up kicked out for awhile. I have no issue sending him back to the curb if he crosses a line like that again. This te would be permanent. I was 25 when it first happened and 8 months pregnant when I found out. I was completely blindsided and unprepared. The mental impact was life-altering.

 

Now I'm 34 and things have changed a lot for me.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

Took my kid out to eat today when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I knew it was her before I turned around. She had some marks on her face... she asked if she could eat lunch with us. I told her she could, but she tired to order a drink, and I told her if she wanted to drink she'd have to sit somewhere else. I don't let alcohol around my kid.

 

She asked if I thought the baby knew who she was. I said I wasn't sure but she might. I don't make it a point to show her pictures. She asked her some questions and touched her face. That gutted me. I didn't force any more interaction between them though. The baby give her a bite of a chicken strip she's a sweetie.

 

When we were done I paid for her food. Which is probably why she sat with us in the first place. She asked if we could get together again and I said maybe when she gets herself together.

[lolablue17]

I've read this thread and noticed that many people combine the cheating with abandoning the baby, like it's somehow connected. You, the OP, also thinks that your cheating caused the abandonment. This is rediculous! Listen carefully -

 

THE ABANDONMENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHEATING!!

 

Cheating is very hurting. It's awful. Yet, it's common. about half of all married couples experience infidelity at least once in their life. But almost no one abandon their baby. It's rare, and when it happens, the reasons for abandoning babies are rarely because of infidelity.

 

A much more common reasons for are postnatal depression, or babies who are born with deformity, or girls under age who had unprotected sex, financial troubles, girls who experienced child abuse in their childhood... I think I covered the most common reasons.

 

is there anyone who believes that a woman feels so hurt by her boyfriend's cheating, abandon because of that her innocent baby who did nothing wrong, but stays with a violent man, who hurts and beats her every day?

 

OP. None of it is because of you, and you are not qualified to fix it. If you want to help her (which you already did), she surely needs therapy urgently. I'm almost sure she has a mental thing that needs to be taken care of. I advice you to consult a psychologist who will at least guide you how to approach her, what to say, and what to do, regarding the fact that she is your daughter's mother.

Edited October 15, 2016 by lolablue17

[ChickiePops]

I don't think she left bc of the cheating. I think she left bc she didn't want to be a mother. That doesn't make the cheating ok..but I won't chastise the OP because he knows that already.

 

Dad2, I'm glad you told her she couldn't see you and your child again until she cleans up her act..but even if she does I would suggest going to some joint therapt sessions to discuss co-parenting options before you allow her around your child again.

 

Also I think you're right about why she sat with you.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

It breaks my heart, but I guess that's life. I think two big pieces are she didn't have a good childhood, and she's young. She just doesn't have it together yet. That's fine and I don't fault her for that... I just wish it were different. I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with her being as young as she was but I didn't think it was a big deal because she kept coming after me.

 

I'm just lucky to have my baby girl. I was proud of her for being such a good baby

[Timshel]

It breaks my heart, but I guess that's life. I think two big pieces are she didn't have a good childhood, and she's young. She just doesn't have it together yet. That's fine and I don't fault her for that... I just wish it were different. I probably shouldn't have gotten involved with her being as young as she was but I didn't think it was a big deal because she kept coming after me.

I'm just lucky to have my baby girl. I was proud of her for being such a good baby

 

You may look at yourself.

Saying that 'she kept coming after me' is lame.

 

You were and still are attracted to a woman who is in crisis.

 

The biological mother of your innocent daughter is and was when you met her....a mess.

 

The beginning of this thread was about forcing this woman to come back to you and to be a 'mom' to your child though she did legally surrender her parental rights.

You seem to have little insight as to why you were drawn to this dysfunctional woman in the first place...much less the potential impact her presence or the peripheral damage an abusive boyfriend could have on your child.

 

In short, your picker is way off.

 

Your daughter will at some point have questions about her biological mother. In fact, her genetic disposition may necessitate some knowledge/education on your part.

 

There is no reason to not move forward with your life as long as you are prioritizing your daughter.

Keep in mind that you seem to be drawn to women who may not be a good influence on either yourself or your child.

Introspection/IC will be beneficial.

 

Your daughter's biological mother needs a tremendous amount of therapy. There may come a day that she is fit to say 'hello, let's have a relationship' to your daughter....that day is no where in the near future and not something you should be troubling over now.

 

Keep your priorities in check.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've read this thread and noticed that many people combine the cheating with abandoning the baby, like it's somehow connected. You, the OP, also thinks that your cheating caused the abandonment. This is rediculous! Listen carefully -

 

THE ABANDONMENT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHEATING!!

 

Cheating is very hurting. It's awful. Yet, it's common. about half of all married couples experience infidelity at least once in their life. But almost no one abandon their baby. It's rare, and when it happens, the reasons for abandoning babies are rarely because of infidelity.

 

A much more common reasons for are postnatal depression, or babies who are born with deformity, or girls under age who had unprotected sex, financial troubles, girls who experienced child abuse in their childhood... I think I covered the most common reasons.

 

is there anyone who believes that a woman feels so hurt by her boyfriend's cheating, abandon because of that her innocent baby who did nothing wrong, but stays with a violent man, who hurts and beats her every day?

 

OP. None of it is because of you, and you are not qualified to fix it. If you want to help her (which you already did), she surely needs therapy urgently. I'm almost sure she has a mental thing that needs to be taken care of. I advice you to consult a psychologist who will at least guide you how to approach her, what to say, and what to do, regarding the fact that she is your daughter's mother.

 

I do.

 

Because human being aren't all little clones that do the exact same thing.

 

One woman will stay with a wife-beater. Another woman will walk away from husband and kids for no reasonable reason at all.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

She called me from a different phone today. She wanted to know if she can come over tomorrow night, it's her birthday, she's turning 29. I told her no, I just don't want to get my baby involved.

 

She started screaming that it'll be her birthday and the least I can do is let her come hangout. She's all alone, her mom and her sister aren't speaking to her, her friends won't go out with her, and her boyfriend hates her, and now I'm keeping her daughter from her.

 

I'm confused... I haven't heard from her in eight months and suddenly she wants to eat lunch with us, have us come swim at the hotel, or come to our house to hang out... that doesn't make any sense. I don't want her to be in and out, or bring bad vibes, or danger, or confuse my daughter. That'll make me feel bad. But... I also feel like I'm being mean not letting her come for her birthday when she has no one.

[darkmoon]

once the child grows up, she will want at least one convo with the mother, even if she is a trainwreck, her child will not be lil forever

 

you have two children on your hands, that is what I see

[ChickiePops]

She called me from a different phone today. She wanted to know if she can come over tomorrow night, it's her birthday, she's turning 29. I told her no, I just don't want to get my baby involved.

 

She started screaming that it'll be her birthday and the least I can do is let her come hangout. She's all alone, her mom and her sister aren't speaking to her, her friends won't go out with her, and her boyfriend hates her, and now I'm keeping her daughter from her.

 

I'm confused... I haven't heard from her in eight months and suddenly she wants to eat lunch with us, have us come swim at the hotel, or come to our house to hang out... that doesn't make any sense. I don't want her to be in and out, or bring bad vibes, or danger, or confuse my daughter. That'll make me feel bad. But... I also feel like I'm being mean not letting her come for her birthday when she has no one.

 

You're not being mean, you're protecting your child.

 

Also..she's 29?? You kept saying how young she was..she's really not that young. I assumed you meant 18 or 19. She's a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself at this point. 29 is not a milestone birthday..she'll survive without you. If she doesn't have any friends, that's her own fault.

 

Also you aren't keeping her daughter from her..she walked away from her daughter. That's fine, but it's completely unfair to flit in and out of her life. Either stay in her life and be a mom, or go away. She is unstable and she is not fit to parent right now.

 

Please. Stay strong for your child.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

Throughout the course of the night she's left me tons of drunken voicemails. They start off pretty mellow, but as they go on, they get angrier and angrier with me. It's, warranted, but it's sad too. There's one that asks if cheating was worth it. No, it wasn't... I'd do anything to take it back. By the end, they're just crying incoherent messes.

 

I said she was young, because I'm about twenty years older. we got together when she was 22.

[anika99]

She called me from a different phone today. She wanted to know if she can come over tomorrow night, it's her birthday, she's turning 29. I told her no, I just don't want to get my baby involved.

 

She started screaming that it'll be her birthday and the least I can do is let her come hangout. She's all alone, her mom and her sister aren't speaking to her, her friends won't go out with her, and her boyfriend hates her, and now I'm keeping her daughter from her.

 

I'm confused... I haven't heard from her in eight months and suddenly she wants to eat lunch with us, have us come swim at the hotel, or come to our house to hang out... that doesn't make any sense. I don't want her to be in and out, or bring bad vibes, or danger, or confuse my daughter. That'll make me feel bad. But... I also feel like I'm being mean not letting her come for her birthday when she has no one.

 

It's not confusing at all. Her loser bf hates her so she wants to leech attention and money from you until she finds her next loser bf to latch onto. She doesn't care about her baby or you. She only cares about herself and it makes me sick that she is pretending to be interested in that poor baby as a means to getting what she wants.

 

When people realize that they messed up, that they have issues or addictions that they need to fix, and that they have damaged their relationships with bad behaviour, then they are humbled. They know they have earned the suspicion and distrust of others and that they are going to have work hard every day to prove that they have changed. They set about getting their lives back on track even knowing that some people may never forgive them, because they have changed for themselves, not for the sake of pleasing or manipulating others.

 

Your ex shows absolutely no insight of herself or of her behaviour. She cries and plays victim, she gets angry and screams whenever she doesn't get what she wants. She has no humility, no empathy. It's all about poor little her. If she was serious about wanting to be better, she wouldn't be yelling at you on the phone about her birthday, she'd be looking into programs and counselling and working on making herself a better person.

 

If I were you I would want to see lots of changes that are consistent over a substantial period of time before I'd let her anywhere near your daughter. She signed away her parental rights and you have no obligation to let her visit your daughter. She is a huge threat to your babies emotional and physical wellbeing and its your responsibility to protect that baby. Don't let her use that child to manipulate you.

[dreamingoftigers]

You're not being mean, you're protecting your child.

 

Also..she's 29?? You kept saying how young she was..she's really not that young. I assumed you meant 18 or 19. She's a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself at this point. 29 is not a milestone birthday..she'll survive without you. If she doesn't have any friends, that's her own fault.

 

Also you aren't keeping her daughter from her..she walked away from her daughter. That's fine, but it's completely unfair to flit in and out of her life. Either stay in her life and be a mom, or go away. She is unstable and she is not fit to parent right now.

 

Please. Stay strong for your child.

 

Good lord.

 

She's 29.

 

Blah ha ha. This has nothing to do with "youth."

 

Yeah. If you could theoretically have a PhD, the youth excuse falls away pretty quickly

[ChickiePops]

Throughout the course of the night she's left me tons of drunken voicemails. They start off pretty mellow, but as they go on, they get angrier and angrier with me. It's, warranted, but it's sad too. There's one that asks if cheating was worth it. No, it wasn't... I'd do anything to take it back. By the end, they're just crying incoherent messes.

 

I said she was young, because I'm about twenty years older. we got together when she was 22.

 

Wait. She's nearly 30 and you're nearly 50 and this is an issue?

 

Dude..this whole thing is ridiculous. Do you really not see how ridiculous this is?

 

She has some very severe mental issues that she needs to address before she can be around children. Please stop speaking to her until she is in a psychiatrists care.

[Miss Clavel]

Regardless of what I've done, she should be being a mother. She should be coming to birthdays and acknowledging her child. Yes, I shouldn't have done what I did, it was probably a midlife crisis, I don't know. That does not excuse her! She had an obligation to that baby, and abortion would've been cowardly and low.

 

She should be with us. She should be a grown woman instead of a child. That's why I forced her to be with us at the store. So she could learn accountability and that you don't desert your only child.

 

men abandon their children every single day.

[dreamingoftigers]

men abandon their children every single day.

 

And people drop bombs and steal cars.

 

How in the world is this helpful?

 

Are we saying "it's okay for women to behave poorly because "men" do?"

 

Where does the race to the bottom end?

 

When "women" become cannibals because "men somehow somewhere do it."?

[noelle303]

OP, maybe you should make and give her a list of expectations you have for her in order to have visitation with your daughter.

 

Seek help in a treatmant facility, remain sober, find a job and a stable place to live and so on. That way you throw the ball in her court and hold her accountable - you're not keeping the child from her, you simply need her to be a safe and healthy environement for a child.

[Miss Clavel]

And people drop bombs and steal cars.

 

How in the world is this helpful?

 

Are we saying "it's okay for women to behave poorly because "men" do?"

 

Where does the race to the bottom end?

 

When "women" become cannibals because "men somehow somewhere do it."?

 

yes, that's what i'm saying. that people should cut chunks of muscle off each other and eat it.

 

anyway.

 

how can a women, a mother, not want her baby?

 

she must be horrible, a pos, worse than a criminal.

 

men do it everyday and they are not held to the same standard.

 

i believe that there is very little difference between mother and father. and that a father can be a better mother than the mother.

 

i've seen it.

 

 

i think that society and the law has got to catch up to the fact that fathers have rights to their children, even before their born and woman can't just terminate a child the other parent wants.

 

and if a woman doesn't want to raise a her child herself, if she wants to give it to the other parent, that should be respected.

 

if it's her right to get rid of it, then it's her right to have it and give it away, either to adoptive strangers or to the other parent.

 

men walk away every day.

[stillafool]

Regardless of what I've done, she should be being a mother. She should be coming to birthdays and acknowledging her child. Yes, I shouldn't have done what I did, it was probably a midlife crisis, I don't know. That does not excuse her! She had an obligation to that baby, and abortion would've been cowardly and low.

 

She should be with us. She should be a grown woman instead of a child. That's why I forced her to be with us at the store. So she could learn accountability and that you don't desert your only child.

 

Maybe if she had a chance to be with her daughter without you she may want to see her. She probably doesn't like or want to be around you so she stays away from her baby. She has moved on to another man and I'm sure any co-parenting that takes place will in some form involve him as well. Be careful what you ask for because it seems if she does start seeing her daughter you will certainly not be included.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

She text me last night asking for pictures of the baby in her costume. That was nice. I sent her a few, and she said that she looks just like her. I know... it hurts. My mom whose opinion I get on almost everything asked who i was texting, and got pissed when I told her. She and my mom were close, and I think the whole thing makes her sad.

 

Men who abandon their children are despicable. As for this other man, the woman beater being involved? Over my cold, dead, body.

[stillafool]

At least she was thinking about her baby. I think she will come around because her heart will miss her baby but; I don't think she will come back to you.

[Dad2sweetgirl]

I am glad she asked for pictures. That's something I would never keep from her. I would never keep them from being in a relationship... this man and her drinking are an exception however. If they weren't in the picture I'd jump at the chance to get them together.

 

I wish things were better because I think she's a great person. She's beautiful, intelligent, tenacious, and she's over come so much. I think she would be a great example for the baby.

 

I realize she won't take me back. I don't deserve her, but I hope she turns it around for her daughter.

[IfonlyIknew]

Oh my wow. Consider her the transportation to bringing you your daughter. YOUR daughter. Your daughter doesn't deserve someone like that in her life. Just because she is her blood, doesn't make her the right choice to be a part of your family. She may one day regret it, but that's a negative and toxic situation you don't want to have around

[Dad2sweetgirl]

Friday evening there was a knock on my door. It was her, she said she left him and asked me to please help. She said she knew she couldn't stay here, but asked if her cat could because she had to sleep in her car and he wouldn't be able to stay in his carrier all night. I asked why she was staying in her car and she said she had nowhere to go.

 

I told her to come in, she could stay here. She didn't hesitate with that offer, but there were some rules. No drinking, no weed, no screaming, no fighting, no saying anything rude about me in front of the baby, and she is not mama. We walked into my living room, and I asked the baby if she remembered my friend. She did, and kept playing, but then she started acting weird. She would take my ex Toys and wanted to show her her room... we've had people stay before, and she's never done that. I walked in the kitchen to make dinner and I could hear her saying "it's okay, don't cry." I hurried and walked out and my ex was sitting on my couch crying with our daughter trying to comfort her.

 

I took a picture, because it just struck a chord with me, and then grabbed her, told my ex to get it together, and took her in the other room. She slept in my office.

 

Saturday I took my baby out during the day, and she spent the night again. She stood at the door as I read the baby her bed time story, and just stood in the same area as us. She kept walking around all night, she even came in my room for a second. I told her my daughter better not have seen her because I don't want to confuse her. She got offended and walked out.

 

I don't get her. She's not here right now, but I think she is coming back. I'm going to tell her I'll help her get a hotel room for a few nights, but I need her out tomorrow night. The cat can stay, but she can't.