How to respond to other guys flirting with your girlfriend?

[lolablue17]

The things is not what she does (flirting, getting drunk with her colleague), but is what you both have between you two.

 

When you talked to her expressed your concern about her hanging out and this guy, you actually said "I want to take the relationship a step further".

 

A good respond was if she significantly reduced her hanging out with him. But you say she did not respond. So you feel rejected. There is a chance of a misunderstanding, while she didn't understand you want to take it further. I advice you to offer her to take things further without mentioning the other guy.

 

If after a while when you are officially bf and gf, she still hangs out with him a lot, then you can talk to her about your concerns.

[Alamo657]

In most instances, I believe people see their girlfriend flirting or being hit on by other guys as innocent because either they know their girlfriend doesn't "intend" to cheat, so as long as nothing progresses beyond casual social flirting, things might be okay (generalizing here for how I think most people would feel).

That's called "trust". When you feel certain about the character of a person and her monogamous faithfulness to you.

 

But what is faithfulness ? It's the sentiment that you don't need someone else or other people to make you happy, but just one person (at least, romantically)

 

So when a girl is flirty and pushing the limits of the seduction game, it means she's looking to fill a void. "Wanting to have fun", is filling a void if its a permanent sentiment born from a fear of being bored.

 

However, most affairs tend to occur during a lull in the relationship, and if the woman strays, it is going to be with a man who she has had some regular contact and flirting with, such as a male coworker or friend.

Spot on. You're all happy with you're flirty outgoing girlfriend and some day you get into an argument, or you disappoint her. First thing she will do is contact a guy in her circle who she considers as a "friend" but the guy's intention are actually to bang her at the first moment of weakness, and try to get some confort. That's when affairs occurs. The secret here, is that if a woman keeps a guy in her friend circle, it means she was attracted to him at some point, and maybe still is. At the very least, she feels reasonably safe with him.

 

Is it just me, or would this bother any reasonable boyfriend?

It bothers people who are not confident enough in their attractiveness level, and their fear of loss is inversely equivalent to their degree of self-esteem.

 

How do you respond to these sort of issues without seeming controlling?

You can't. If you ask a person to change what she does, who she is, because it bothers you, you are telling that person what she should or should not do to fulfill your own egoist needs. It will drive the person away. If you have to ask a person to changer their personnality and habits, then it means you're not a match. So your only solution is to play it cool.

 

I mean, ideally, the woman would draw the boundary herself and close out other guys without you even asking since she's taken, but what if that's not the case and she wants to keep other good-looking men in her life?

Then it means you do not trust that person, and without trust there is no relationship. It doesn't matter what the person does, what matters is how you feel about it. Edited September 25, 2016 by Alamo657

[Darren Steez]

Your "girlfriend" is engaged and currently away with her fiance on holiday..but you're worried about her flirting with a co-worker..

 

How can you be exclusive if she's engaged..

 

[CupCakess]

Yeah lol, I'm sorry, is this girl the one from your other post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/596406-managing-potential-transition-lovers-couple-potential-future-ap ??

 

The married woman who is currently cheating on her husband with you?

 

And you re afraid that she will cheat with a third guy while she is already cheating on her husband with you?

 

I'm sorry, but your dilemma makes no sense at all. For starters, you are not in a relationship, you are not exclusive, she is already cheating (which speaks about her morals regarding exclusiveness).

 

Dude, wake up. She is already probably sleeping with he co-worker, and might have been sleeping with him before she even met you. :lmao:

[TunaInTheBrine]

Your "girlfriend" is engaged and currently away with her fiance on holiday..but you're worried about her flirting with a co-worker..

 

How can you be exclusive if she's engaged..

 

 

We're not exclusive, but I am a partner, and we do have boundaries established that she's not supposed to be with someone else besides her fiancé and me, and I'm not supposed to be with anyone besides her and one other girl. Stop being a smarta*s who assumes to know the rules of non-monogamy. It's posts like yours that make people like me withhold the full nature of their relationship, because you think you get it, but you don't.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Yeah lol, I'm sorry, is this girl the one from your other post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/596406-managing-potential-transition-lovers-couple-potential-future-ap ??

 

The married woman who is currently cheating on her husband with you?

 

And you re afraid that she will cheat with a third guy while she is already cheating on her husband with you?

 

I'm sorry, but your dilemma makes no sense at all. For starters, you are not in a relationship, you are not exclusive, she is already cheating (which speaks about her morals regarding exclusiveness).

 

Dude, wake up. She is already probably sleeping with he co-worker, and might have been sleeping with him before she even met you. :lmao:

 

She's not cheating. He knows about me, is fine with her spending time and sleeping with me, but I don't believe he knows the full extent of her feelings for me and supposedly he says he doesn't want to know. If he wanted to know and she still covered her tracks about her feelings for me, I'd call it cheating at that point.

 

Actually, my dilemma DOES make sense. I do have a relationship with her. Just because it is not the traditional monogamy arrangement doesn't mean that there are no boundaries and that people can do whatever they want. It also doesn't mean that as a secondary partner I have no rights. That kind of thinking is based on the idea of monogamy, and that only one relationship actually matters. That's bullsh*t, man. And you're going to tell me to wake up?

 

We do have boundaries (see my last post above). She swears she has not hooked up with anyone else besides her fiancé and me in the last 10 years. But maybe you can understand why I would be suspicious given some of what I described before. That, and if she is not fully forthcoming with her fiancé about her feelings for me, why should I expect her to be any different with me when it comes to her coworker?

 

If you want to offer perspective, that's one thing. But if you want to start mocking someone who is stressed out, vulnerable, and putting themselves out there to ask for help, and project your monogamous-centric worldviews onto my situation and tell me that I don't get it and need to wake up, then I'm not going to take you or anyone else with that level of ignorance seriously.

 

Every time I post about non-monogamy on this forum, I seriously get one step closer to deleting my account. There needs to be some kind of new forum for non-monogamy and a thread with a pinned post that educates people on seeing relationships beyond a monogamist-centric model. Otherwise, it's going to be impossible for people like me to get valuable feedback here without being perpetually misunderstood, stigmatized, and even mocked. Then I feel embarrassed for having to post rants like this to try and provide education to people when I'm still not getting much understanding around the thing I came here for.

Edited September 25, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[elaine567]

We're not exclusive, but I am a partner, and we do have boundaries established that she's not supposed to be with someone else besides her fiancé and me, and I'm not supposed to be with anyone besides her and one other girl. Stop being a smarta*s who assumes to know the rules of non-monogamy. It's posts like yours that make people like me withhold the full nature of their relationship, because you think you get it, but you don't.

 

OK so why post as if you are in a monogamous relationship?

How can people be expected to give good advice, if you withhold half of the story and then berate them for getting it wrong...

[TunaInTheBrine]

OK so why post as if you are in a monogamous relationship?

How can people be expected to give good advice, if you withhold half of the story and then berate them for getting it wrong...

 

Because ya'll make it so that I HAVE to withhold half of the story (see last few posts). So then I'm forced to try and reconfigure my story in a way so that I can still try to elicit help while trying to minimize being misunderstood for the situation I'm in, and then when it all comes out I get told that the problem is with me for not being forthcoming. If I'm honest with everyone here, I get misunderstood. If I try to finagle the truth so that I can get some perspective, I get lambasted.

 

If I call it a monogamous arrangement here, then people will treat my situation more like a relationship with boundaries, which it's supposed to have. Then maybe I'll get a decent response (but even that was hard to get). When people hear that we're polyamorous, they assume it means I have no rights in the relationship, that there are no boundaries, and that people can do whatever they want. That's not how it works. And then people start telling me how I'm the one who doesn't know my role in a relationship, assuming that they know more than I do about the nature and boundaries of my relationship.

 

I had a feeling this is what this thread would turn into. I think I'm f*cking done around here.

Edited September 25, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[elaine567]

Because ya'll make it so that I HAVE to withhold half of the story (see last few posts). So then I'm forced to try and reconfigure my story in a way so that I can still try to elicit help while trying to minimize being misunderstood for the situation I'm in, and then when it all comes out I get told that the problem is with me for not being forthcoming. If I'm honest with everyone here, I get misunderstood. If I try to finagle the truth so that I can get some perspective, I get lambasted.

 

If I call it a monogamous arrangement here, then people will treat my situation more like a relationship with boundaries, which it's supposed to have. Then maybe I'll get a decent response (but even that was hard to get). When people hear that we're polyamorous, they assume it means I have no rights in the relationship, that there are no boundaries, and that people can do whatever they want. That's not how it works.

 

I had a feeling this is what this thread would turn into. I think I'm f*cking done around here.

 

I think had you explained the situation more fully ie a polyamourous relationship with boundaries, rights and an agreement, then I think most here would have got it.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I think had you explained the situation more fully ie a polyamourous relationship with boundaries, rights and an agreement, then I think most here would have got it.

 

I've tried posting threads with that framework before, and it honestly didn't go much better. Otherwise, I wouldn't have left that part out when I posted this one. That's the reality of my experience here. I'd appreciate if you could recognize that it's not me who needs an adjustment on this forum. This is not the way I want to post here, and I only do it the way I do because of the monogamist-centric views of the forum culture.

[Darren Steez]

We're not exclusive, but I am a partner, and we do have boundaries established that she's not supposed to be with someone else besides her fiancé and me, and I'm not supposed to be with anyone besides her and one other girl. Stop being a smarta*s who assumes to know the rules of non-monogamy. It's posts like yours that make people like me withhold the full nature of their relationship, because you think you get it, but you don't.

 

Hahahaha ok calm down mate, it was just a question but glad you answered it..well sort of..you tried..but thanks again for attempting to answer.

 

[Acacia98]

She goes out with him for drinks what seems like at least weekly. She has blacked out in his presence before from drinking too much. I know they have had lunch together on a Saturday before. He follows her on Instagram and facebook, and likes ALL of her photos. He probably 'likes' her stuff more than anyone else on her social media. She shares with me stories about him, including his stories that he tells her about how he picks up women on the train.

 

 

If she were to become my girlfriend officially, I don't think I could accept her doing stuff like that. In the meantime, I'm just trying to figure out how to not set myself for betrayal. I don't want to stand under a dangling hammer, if you know what I mean. At the same time, I don't want to become the controlling type who tells her what she can and can't do.

 

Based on the words in bold above, I think she has boundary issues with this guy. In other words, I could easily see her going out with him, them getting drunk together, and then them "accidentally" ending up in bed together.

 

In response to the underlined words above, you can't control the situation. The woman will do what she will do (whether or not that's cheating) because she's a breathing, thinking human with the capacity to make decisions (good and bad) for herself. Your role is to respond to her actions by deciding whether you are comfortable being by her side when she's being who she truly is (whatever that happens to be). If she goes too far with a guy for your liking, you end things, because she's shown you what she's like when she's left to her own devices. Remember, you can't control people or reform them. So look for somebody who shares your most important values.

 

I've been in a situation similar to yours, by the way. I'm female, and while I'm not flirty myself, I've dated a flirty guy. It didn't work out for me because his flirtation with other women made me uncomfortable. I wasted so much energy feeling on edge and worrying about another woman replacing me. And, needless to say, when I talked to him about it, he dismissed my concerns. This is the kind of situation that eats at your self esteem if you stay in it for too long. Nothing good comes of it. That's why I, as well as others in this thread, reckon you should cut your losses. She's likely to cheat. And even if she doesn't, her actions make you very uncomfortable. That's no way to live...

[Acacia98]

Because ya'll make it so that I HAVE to withhold half of the story (see last few posts). So then I'm forced to try and reconfigure my story in a way so that I can still try to elicit help while trying to minimize being misunderstood for the situation I'm in, and then when it all comes out I get told that the problem is with me for not being forthcoming. If I'm honest with everyone here, I get misunderstood. If I try to finagle the truth so that I can get some perspective, I get lambasted.

 

Look, there's nothing unique about the fact that people misunderstand your posts when you're being forthcoming and that some of them give lousy advice. It comes with the territory (public discussion forum). When folks respond to your posts, ignore the stuff that's not useful and take the advice that makes sense. If you're keen on getting everyone to understand you, you'll be pretty miserable.

[xxoo]

I can tell that you really like this woman, and the chemistry is off the charts. You want it to work. You don't want to walk away.

 

She is a bit carefree and wild. That is why you like her. That is also why you are with her; if she wasn't carefree, she wouldn't be in a poly relationship and you wouldn't have this chance to enjoy her company. But that carefree nature is a double-edged sword. The flirting, drinking, and texting--it's part of her nature. It's unfair to enjoy her carefree side on your terms, but expect her to change to a proper, careful girlfriend once you have her. If she were a careful, proper girlfriend, you wouldn't be with her at all. She'd be monogamous with her fiance.

[Friskyone4u]

Don't know why you think you can control or do anything about other guys flirting with your girlfriend. They ain't your girlfriend! And they could care less what you think or what you do. Leave them out of the picture.

 

Now lets go to your girlfriend. From a time a woman hits puberty, men are trying to "flirt" with the real objective to get in their pants. And women who are intelligent to leave the house without help learn how to shut a guy down with a stare, an attitude, or just p;lain being rude to the guy. Stop making like it is your responsibility to put a stop to it.

 

If a guy starts to flirt with your girlfriend it will continue only as long as she is receptive to it or it becomes harassment. So your discussion should be with her.

Unless you are some sort of super stud, you have approached a woman or flirted with one before and after you opened your mouth felt like ice water had been poured on your balls from her response or lack of.

 

Now as far as your polyamory problems, non monogamous relationships have the same problems as monogamous ones. There are boundaries, acceptable behavior, and deal breakers in both. So if she is supposed to be agreeing to only having sex with you and heart fiancée or whoever he is, then if she does not adhere to that she is cheating. Has nothing to do with flirting with other guys/.

 

And for what it is worth, if you feel attacked by some, maybe it is because your threads are on a forum populated by many pelople who are not non monogamous, much more than who practice non monogamy. You might be better suited to a forum, which exist, solely populated by folks who preactice non monogamy and are more adept at navigating its pitfalls.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Friskyone4u

[Space Ritual]

Because ya'll make it so that I HAVE to withhold half of the story (see last few posts). So then I'm forced to try and reconfigure my story in a way so that I can still try to elicit help while trying to minimize being misunderstood for the situation I'm in, and then when it all comes out I get told that the problem is with me for not being forthcoming. If I'm honest with everyone here, I get misunderstood. If I try to finagle the truth so that I can get some perspective, I get lambasted.

 

Had you actually been forthcoming in the first place you might have gotten much different advice, perhaps from some members that are poly experienced. Thus that would have been more helpful to you.

 

But to complain about either being misunderstood, or getting lambasted? That comes with the territory when you withhold crucial parts of your story or manipulate your story to elicit desired results.

 

If you were a brand new member I could understand it, but being you are an established member, you should know better. It does not surprise me however that you don't.

 

So while you may want to attempt to explain away the details of your conundrum, the fact is that you are nothing but a garden variety Other Man, and you better just come to the realization that as far as this girl is concerned, that's all you'll ever be.

 

Good luck with that, Pal:lmao:

[jen1447]

I hate to pile on w the negatives Tuna but as a poly person, I don't really get what your position is here. You seem plagued by jealousy, which is reason #1 why you're either not really poly or a really bad practicing candidate for it. While there are and can be 'rules' for poly ppl that resemble mono rules (poly doesn't always or even often mean "sleep w anyone"), one trait all successful poly ppl share is not being alarmed at the thought of their partners being sexual w others. That seems to be a priority concern for you in itself, which is really really bad as far as your poly future is concerned.

 

Doing a thread merge in my own head, it sounds like the basic situ here is that you're in a relationship w an engaged woman and you're concerned that she flirts too much w third parties. Ok ....I mean can you see how that doesn't really square up w the necessary mentality of an open relationship person? It'd be one thing if you knew she was banging some guy or guys contrary to your agreement and she was lying to you about it, but a woman who's practicing poly being flirty w other guys, and while you're already sharing her w another guy, and that's an issue for you? I don't really get it.

 

Also I have to say you can't really justify misleading ppl here about the basics - if no one knows specifically what's going on there's no way they'll be able to give you meaningful feedback. The "oh by the way my GF's also already banging her fiance" is in no way insignificant - it colors the entire thing. If you don't like the audience here in infidelity/cheating/whatevs I'm not sure why you don't just post in dating or relationships ....that's more what this is about anyway.

[road]

Tuna, I have been on relationship forums for over double digit years. I am not a therapist, shrink, MC, or a IC and I have not even stayed in a Holiday Inn.

 

 

I have seen too many relationships go bad when they were allowed to expand past two people.

 

 

I have never seen people posting how it made their marriage better.

 

 

I have seen a very small group of people that did open their marriage and survived.

 

 

For every one of these few that survived I have seen 100 relationships fail from opening their relationship.

 

 

Your problem is not the bad advice you have gotten here. For two reasons. First you were not told things you wanted to hear only things that you did not want to hear.

 

 

Second reason the advice you got was not bad.

 

 

You are free to disagree with conventional wisdom. Though think why conventional wisdom tends to stand the test of time. Men and women have not just be pairing up since 1950.

[William]

Folks, let's get back to the topic and away from characterization of posts, advice, or members here. I cleaned up some language and edited a few posts. If other content from the thread starter is suggested to be relevant, per our policies, quote it directly and link to it. Thanks so much for your assistance!

[anna121]

(I'm not going to comment on the meta issues).

 

I actually see a lot of disparate topics here.

 

1. The blacking out b/c of drinking. That's a serious problem. It's not normal to do that. It may well increase her propensity to be in compromising situations.

 

2. Flirtation. As you've seen, people have wildly differing toleration levels for this. Very hard to change or moderate IME.

 

3. Hanging out with co-workers you find a threat. This is a boundary issue, again, one on which people will have very divergent opinions. And again, something that is very difficult to change, as it probably reflects fundamental personality traits.

 

4. Openly admitting to finding someone attractive. Ditto.

 

I think that all of these, taken together, would give many people pause. And there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't, necessarily, make you insecure. It doesn't make it wrong to talk it out with her. But, with so many issues operating at once, just be aware that the chance of seeing real behavioural/attitudinal moderation from her is slim to none.

 

Sorry.

[Miss Peach]

I agree it's about values. There is a point where opportunity is really more paranoia. There is also the point there it crosses into stupidity.

 

I work in a male dominated field so it's not uncommon for me to go to happy hour or lunch with the guys. But I nurse one drink max or drink iced tea. I have been hit on by 3 married guys at my current and former company this year. I have turned them all down. I also had a stalker this year and had to report him. All this went on without cheating on my (now ex) BF. He knew everything that happened and he knew with the guys that I stopped picking up their calls, blocked them, reported them, etc.

 

Having said this, I refuse to let go of my male friendships over a guy's insecurity. But I am happy to invite him for outings, etc. as a compromise. I have nothing to hide and choose my male friends very carefully.

 

If I am in a situation where I am going to do something stupid like drink excessively, I make sure I'm with people I trust like a group of long-time friends, a BF, etc. and that I have a ride home. There's a difference between that and going out without a plan.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I agree it's about values. There is a point where opportunity is really more paranoia. There is also the point there it crosses into stupidity.

 

I work in a male dominated field so it's not uncommon for me to go to happy hour or lunch with the guys. But I nurse one drink max or drink iced tea. I have been hit on by 3 married guys at my current and former company this year. I have turned them all down. I also had a stalker this year and had to report him. All this went on without cheating on my (now ex) BF. He knew everything that happened and he knew with the guys that I stopped picking up their calls, blocked them, reported them, etc.

 

Having said this, I refuse to let go of my male friendships over a guy's insecurity. But I am happy to invite him for outings, etc. as a compromise. I have nothing to hide and choose my male friends very carefully.

 

If I am in a situation where I am going to do something stupid like drink excessively, I make sure I'm with people I trust like a group of long-time friends, a BF, etc. and that I have a ride home. There's a difference between that and going out without a plan.

 

You have a nice perspective. I have had girlfriends and women I'm dating who have male friends and it doesn't bother me a bit. I'm always interested when it does bother me versus when I'm seeing someone else and it doesn't. I've only known this woman a few months and because she is engaged and we're a secret from society (fyi it's a consensual open relationship she's in and only he and her know about me), I really don't have access to her life outside of our face-to-face time. If I could see her around others, and if I knew her longer, maybe it would be different. For now, I think I'm a bit guarded and it's hard to know what to really believe since I'm so tucked away from the rest of her life.

Edited September 28, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Helivesforme]

If you're telling her you feel uncomfortable she should care, if she hasn't given you a reason not to trust her than trust her. I don't think it appropriate for her to get black out drunk like that, she sounds a little attention seeking when you mentioned all her social media accounts and pictures she posts. Is she serious about you? Does she even care about your feelings? You either trust her and just continue standing to the side, or you set boundaries and let her know it's not ok because you wouldn't do that to her. But don't try to isolate her because you will push her away. Try to have a serious talk with her. See if you're both on the same page as far as where you see your relationship.

[TunaInTheBrine]

If you're telling her you feel uncomfortable she should care, if she hasn't given you a reason not to trust her than trust her. I don't think it appropriate for her to get black out drunk like that, she sounds a little attention seeking when you mentioned all her social media accounts and pictures she posts. Is she serious about you? Does she even care about your feelings? You either trust her and just continue standing to the side, or you set boundaries and let her know it's not ok because you wouldn't do that to her. But don't try to isolate her because you will push her away. Try to have a serious talk with her. See if you're both on the same page as far as where you see your relationship.

 

I don't have any real reason to not trust her, no. And I know she wouldn't like the idea of me getting black out drunk with women who she knows have the hots for me and that I also find attractive. I agree that trying to isolate her would be bad, bad, bad. We do talk about the relationship when necessary, so I'll probably wait for the right moment to check in and see where we're at. She is serious about me. I just worry that she's a bit wounded from her past and has some self-esteem issues that she masks with alcohol and getting attention from other guys. But it's not my place to fix that, I know. Even though I'm a hot mess sometimes about it all, I'm feeling a little better at the moment, and I'm giving it an honest shot with her. I'm not setting any high expectations at this point though, given her situation. In the meantime, I'm still on the market and available to meet other women.

[xxoo]

This:

 

She is serious about me

 

Doesn't really jive with this:

 

I've only known this woman a few months and because she is engaged and we're a secret from society (fyi it's a consensual open relationship she's in and only he and her know about me), I really don't have access to her life outside of our face-to-face time.

 

Talk is cheap. Serious is as serious does. She's demonstrating her priorities.