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How to respond to other guys flirting with your girlfriend?

TheBathWater

By TheBathWater
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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In most instances, I believe people see their girlfriend flirting or being hit on by other guys as innocent because either they know their girlfriend doesn't "intend" to cheat, so as long as nothing progresses beyond casual social flirting, things might be okay (generalizing here for how I think most people would feel). However, most affairs tend to occur during a lull in the relationship, and if the woman strays, it is going to be with a man who she has had some regular contact and flirting with, such as a male coworker or friend.

 

I admit that I've been burned a few times, and so I tend to feel on edge at the idea of other guys who are in regular contact with my girlfriend flirting with her. I especially am not comfortable with the idea of having a girlfriend who gets drinks at the bar after work with her good-looking male coworkers who like to flirt with her, or if she finds time to have lunch with them on the weekend. She sees it as innocent, but what if it makes me uncomfortable? Sure, nothing is happening between them now, but it's inviting a future boundary crossing, I believe.

 

Is it just me, or would this bother any reasonable boyfriend? How do you respond to these sort of issues without seeming controlling? I mean, ideally, the woman would draw the boundary herself and close out other guys without you even asking since she's taken, but what if that's not the case and she wants to keep other good-looking men in her life?

WomenWubber Established Member

WomenWubber

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You have issues with trust my man but that's understandable given your past.

 

You had a talk with your gf about this?

road Established Member

road

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I will not want a woman that goes out for drinks with men that are not her dad, brother, or me.

 

 

I would not want a woman that has opposite sex friends. That is my job. Just as it is her job to be my opposite sex friend. I do not need any other female friends.

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kgcolonel Established Member

kgcolonel

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T,

 

That's what dating is for....to get to know someone and their values. If you've told her that this makes you uncomfortable and she continues to do it then two things:

 

1. You're not that important to her and therefore you should accept that you're not that important to her and either end it accepting that your not compatible or date and have fun with no further expectation.

 

2. The scars your have from the past haven't sufficiently healed to allow you to bring your A game to the relationship. Thus, this is likely to end with additional scarring and pain for you.....

 

I truly sympathize with you and wish you the best.

Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

Posted
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In most instances, I believe people see their girlfriend flirting or being hit on by other guys as innocent because either they know their girlfriend doesn't "intend" to cheat, so as long as nothing progresses beyond casual social flirting, things might be okay (generalizing here for how I think most people would feel). However, most affairs tend to occur during a lull in the relationship, and if the woman strays, it is going to be with a man who she has had some regular contact and flirting with, such as a male coworker or friend.

 

I admit that I've been burned a few times, and so I tend to feel on edge at the idea of other guys who are in regular contact with my girlfriend flirting with her. I especially am not comfortable with the idea of having a girlfriend who gets drinks at the bar after work with her good-looking male coworkers who like to flirt with her, or if she finds time to have lunch with them on the weekend. She sees it as innocent, but what if it makes me uncomfortable? Sure, nothing is happening between them now, but it's inviting a future boundary crossing, I believe.

 

Is it just me, or would this bother any reasonable boyfriend? How do you respond to these sort of issues without seeming controlling? I mean, ideally, the woman would draw the boundary herself and close out other guys without you even asking since she's taken, but what if that's not the case and she wants to keep other good-looking men in her life?

 

I understand. My ex fiance was drop dead gorgeous and she got hit on wherever she went. Sometimes right in front of me. That of course was when I was in my 20's so I had a jealous reaction to it. Well that is until she cheated on me, then I went postal.

 

It took a long time for me to come to grips with, especially when I started dating much younger women in my 40's. I realized by then that there would always be someone younger and better looking that would come along so I then decided to just make my relationships with younger women short term, and have some fun but not get too serious about it.

 

And for me it has worked.

 

I have dated some incredibly good looking women over the years and I submit to you that the reason I have been able to is because of my attitude; insofar as I come off like I am confident in myself and I don't give 2 craps. Which in reality I don't

 

I don't recommend it for many guys because it can be confused with a mid life crisis and sometimes we guys tend to get over enamored with a woman.

 

The point is, that as long as there are women in bars, there will always be some guy who would like to bone her and will try. So either you can accept it and decide not to date her anymore, or communicate with her what you expect of her boundary wise. Usually the latter is a recipe for disaster but if it is then she wasn't worth your time anyway.

 

 

Vaginas are not lined with Mink and Diamonds. I used to think so, but then I grew up.

 

Good Luck.

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TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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I should clarify a few things...

 

This is more of a hypothetical post. We're not 'official' yet, but we have agreed to not see other people. We have been together 2 1/2 months.

 

There is one coworker in particular I am concerned about. She goes out with him for drinks what seems like at least weekly. She has blacked out in his presence before from drinking too much. I know they have had lunch together on a Saturday before. He follows her on Instagram and facebook, and likes ALL of her photos. He probably 'likes' her stuff more than anyone else on her social media. She shares with me stories about him, including his stories that he tells her about how he picks up women on the train. She shows me music that he recommends to her. When we first started dating, she told me she wanted to bang him. Later, she told me she only said that to make me jealous because she asked me openly if I would sleep with a female friend I knew if I were able to and I said yes. I think she might have retracted the statement because I started to question what was going on between them once.

 

I have told her that it does make me uncomfortable she hangs out with male coworkers for drinks and lunch, but that she's not my girlfriend and really I can't stop her from doing what she wants. I don't believe she is hooking up with him now (at least I sincerely hope not), but I don't think I'm crazy in saying that all of the signs above point to something flirtatious going on between them at the very least. Please do tell me if I'm wrong here. I don't think I am.

 

If she were to become my girlfriend officially, I don't think I could accept her doing stuff like that. In the meantime, I'm just trying to figure out how to not set myself for betrayal. I don't want to stand under a dangling hammer, if you know what I mean. At the same time, I don't want to become the controlling type who tells her what she can and can't do.

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Different strokes for different folks. If you don't like your Gf's flirty personality then you are dating the wrong person. Find a new GF.

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TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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Different strokes for different folks. If you don't like your Gf's flirty personality then you are dating the wrong person. Find a new GF.

 

Doesn't sound like you see anything concerning about the behavior I described above. Thanks for the response anyway.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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There is one coworker in particular I am concerned about. She goes out with him for drinks what seems like at least weekly. She has blacked out in his presence before from drinking too much. I know they have had lunch together on a Saturday before. He follows her on Instagram and facebook, and likes ALL of her photos. He probably 'likes' her stuff more than anyone else on her social media. She shares with me stories about him, including his stories that he tells her about how he picks up women on the train. She shows me music that he recommends to her. When we first started dating, she told me she wanted to bang him. Later, she told me she only said that to make me jealous because she asked me openly if I would sleep with a female friend I knew if I were able to and I said yes. I think she might have retracted the statement because I started to question what was going on between them once.

 

She told you she wanted to bang him? :laugh:

 

She's been very open with you. My H and I are like this together, and have been since we started dating. He doesn't need to worry at all about me cheating, because I'm so open with him, and he with me. He's always fostered that openness, and likes my dirty mind. There is sometimes a twinge of jealousy, but it tends to spark us getting it on in the bedroom. We're freaky that way.

 

If you're the jealous type, and fearful of cheating, I would say this is not the person for you.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Smackie is correct, if you have "trust issues" then stay well away from flirty girls with "best friends" who are guys.

She is going to push every "trust issue" button you possess, so do not go there, if you want a happy life.

 

She is enjoying her life, if you go in there guns ablazing, telling her what to do, who she can spend time with, it will make her miserable and she will resent you.

She is not in the wrong here, she is a single women lapping up all the male attention she can get.

As you say you are not "official" yet, but do you really expect her once "official" to dump her friends and social life just because you are not happy with it? She atm is not serious relationship material for you as you will not cope well with her going out and socialising with those guys, the fact they are her co workers and she sees them every day whether you put a stop to her socialising with them or not, will eat you up too.

Realise you are incompatible as a couple and move on.

TROUBLE with a capital T.

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TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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She told you she wanted to bang him? :laugh:

 

She's been very open with you. My H and I are like this together, and have been since we started dating. He doesn't need to worry at all about me cheating, because I'm so open with him, and he with me. He's always fostered that openness, and likes my dirty mind. There is sometimes a twinge of jealousy, but it tends to spark us getting it on in the bedroom. We're freaky that way.

 

If you're the jealous type, and fearful of cheating, I would say this is not the person for you.

 

Sounds like you don't see anything concerning about the behavior I mentioned a couple of posts upward. Thanks for the response anyway.

 

I do appreciate her being open with me. I am the same with her. I think finding other people attractive is normal and healthy, and I really don't mind. It's developing a relationship with other people that concerns me. Maybe I would feel differently in a year from now if her and I were exclusive and this guy wasn't part of her life at the level he seems to be now. Maybe I just need the reassurance over time.

 

BUT...texting, social media-ing, and getting black out drunk with handsome men from work just doesn't sound like a good idea to me. At some point, there's going to be a moment. But what you all seem to be implying is that this is completely normal, acceptable, and the problem is with me not her.

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TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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I seriously can't believe people see no issue, risk, or something they would keep an eye on in this situation, and the advice is to simply tell me to just break up with her and move on. []

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Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

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You need to find another girlfriend. She is telling you who she is : She wanted to bang this guy. Take that to the bank. She only retracted the statement when she saw how much it bothered you. If you want to find a woman who never gets hit on or goes to bars in this day and age, you need to browse the offerings at the local religious commune. Consider yourself hitting paydirt if you find a quiet introvert with a healthy unibrow and tons of underarm hair. No one wants a woman with pit-afros and a prominent unibrow ...:laugh:

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
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BUT...texting, social media-ing, and getting black out drunk with handsome men from work just doesn't sound like a good idea to me. At some point, there's going to be a moment. But what you all seem to be implying is that this is completely normal, acceptable, and the problem is with me not her.

 

I'd have a problem with going out and getting black out drunk with anyone.

 

The texting and social media stuff.....my husband texts with a female coworker all the time. I know her. It's no big deal. We went to her house for drinks last weekend. I brought a pot roast!

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LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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I seriously can't believe people see no issue, risk, or something they would keep an eye on in this situation, and the advice is to simply tell me to just break up with her and move on. []

 

I see your concern, and I think several other posters have as well. But you've picked a girl who probably isn't girlfriend material at this point. Now, I don't know what "we're not official" means, being exclusive means you're boyfriend and girlfriend to me, I don't really understand the need for all these different relationship stages. But it's irrelevant, anyway.

 

You've already told her you're uncomfortable with this. How did she react? If I were you, I'd probably have one more conversation about this, explaining that I'm not looking for a relationship where my girlfriend goes out with other guys. Maybe she'll see your side of things and everything will be rosy from here on out. I really doubt it, but it's worth a shot. If she starts calling you controlling or wants to keep going out with these guys, then it's time to walk away, because you're never going to be happy here.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Doesn't sound like you see anything concerning about the behavior I described above. Thanks for the response anyway.

I never said you shouldn't find it concerning. You have a problem with it and there nothing wrong with feeling that way about it. The simple solution is to date someone who isn't like this.

 

I know plenty of flirty people, it's just the way they are. Being flirty can be a personality trait not a behavior problem, no different than a person who grumpy or shy. Believe it or not there are people who are ok with it. I dated someone who was flirty, touchy feelly with my friends....it didn't bother me in the least because it's his way of being friendly. I liked his confidence and how fun he was.

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TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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I never said you shouldn't find it concerning. You have a problem with it and there nothing wrong with feeling that way about it. The simple solution is to date someone who isn't like this.

 

I know plenty of flirty people, it's just the way they are. Being flirty can be a personality trait not a behavior problem, no different than a person who grumpy or shy. Believe it or not there are people who are ok with it. I dated someone who was flirty, touchy feelly with my friends....it didn't bother me in the least because it's his way of being friendly. I liked his confidence and how fun he was.

 

The flirting itself doesn't bother me. I think I suggested above that finding other people interesting is normal and healthy.

 

What concerns me is that this is someone she is in regular contact with 40+ hours a week, gets drunk with, finds attractive, has a strong social media relationship with, and that it could become risky if we do decide to get into a monogamous arrangement one day.

 

If it were some random guy we both met at a party and would never see again, that's one thing. But this does bother me a little, and I don't want to be super insecure and bring it up with her just yet.

 

Basically, I'm trying to assess how much of a red flag risk she is since we've only been seeing each other about 10 weeks. I obviously am not comfortable with this long-term if it were to keep up, but I also feel like until a woman is serious with someone that she has looser boundaries. It would be too soon for me to have this conversation with her, I believe.

bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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I think your getting a preview of the up and coming relationship with her. She like the attention she's getting and to me it's trouble.

 

I keep wondering how she would feel if you were doing what she's doing. You think she would like seeing you going out for drinks with another girl? Blacking out at the bar? Telling he stories about this girl? Hell no she wouldn't be happy even if your not "official".

 

With this kind of stuff in the beginning stages, how can there be a good relationship. You said that you both agreed not to see other people but I guess that must be just you and it doesn't apply to her so ask yourself it you think that's fair and you deserve the same in return.

 

Time to sit down and find out just where you stand with her and if it's not to your liking, then don't stick around hoping it will get better...................it wont.

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Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

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I seriously can't believe people see no issue, risk, or something they would keep an eye on in this situation, and the advice is to simply tell me to just break up with her and move on. []

 

 

I seriously can't believe you are so adamant to have someone tell you what you want to hear.

 

Well, yes I can in a way. We are just a bunch of bitter people probably in your eyes. Understand that we all are saying to you things that come form our collective experiences.

 

So take what you need and leave the rest. []

We don't do this for fun you know. Some of us actually give a shyte and cringe when we see someone come here that walked down the same path one of us did, to our own chagrin.

 

See, one thing that all of us who came here and had some story to tell about infidelity or jealousy and how it affected us have one thing in common..and that is we all thought our situation was unique. Well after being here for close to 8 years I can tell you that your situation certainly is not unique,basically your story has a lot in common with many of us.

 

So that being said, we do this because many of us have experienced nightmarish relationships during our lives and we don't wish them upon anyone. Well maybe a few, lol. We are simply attempting to give you a snapshot of how your relationship is going to be if you stay with it.

 

So again, you are not under any obligation to take anyone's advice who posts here, but a least I hope you do not come back here in 6 months and report that these two did in fact screw you over.

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Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

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Dear lord, Tuna,

 

You a have almost 800 posts here, over the course of 3 years. LOL Maybe none of it took? IDK man, that looks a bit odd having all those posts and your head still in the sand.

 

Sorry man, you got a Mess O Potamia on your hands.

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TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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I seriously can't believe you are so adamant to have someone tell you what you want to hear.

 

Well, yes I can in a way. We are just a bunch of bitter people probably in your eyes. Understand that we all are saying to you things that come form our collective experiences.

 

So take what you need and leave the rest. []

We don't do this for fun you know. Some of us actually give a shyte and cringe when we see someone come here that walked down the same path one of us did, to our own chagrin.

 

See, one thing that all of us who came here and had some story to tell about infidelity or jealousy and how it affected us have one thing in common..and that is we all thought our situation was unique. Well after being here for close to 8 years I can tell you that your situation certainly is not unique,basically your story has a lot in common with many of us.

 

So that being said, we do this because many of us have experienced nightmarish relationships during our lives and we don't wish them upon anyone. Well maybe a few, lol. We are simply attempting to give you a snapshot of how your relationship is going to be if you stay with it.

 

So again, you are not under any obligation to take anyone's advice who posts here, but a least I hope you do not come back here in 6 months and report that these two did in fact screw you over.

 

It's difficult to find value in a simple "it's not going to work because you're jealous so you should dump her." I think there is more to consider than that, and more empathy that could be conveyed.

 

If I were writing to me, I would say something like: I can see why you would feel concerned by her behavior. You could either try talking to her about it and see how that goes, or take the risk and see how she is over time as the two of you get closer. In any case, be mindful of your own behavior too. You don't want to exhibit any seriously insecure behavior or efforts to control what she's doing, as that tends not to turn on many women. Keep a positive mindset to whatever extent you can, even if it means not taking the developing relationship as seriously as you do now (because she obviously isn't there yet herself). The two of you must have something worth checking out if you've gained a little traction, so be open.

 

But maybe hearing some variation of this from someone else or some other considerate reply that I didn't write myself is too much to expect? I feel it is completely sane to have some concern here, and that just because I have an insecure thought it shouldn't mean I should dump someone.

 

And the reason I'm still here after three years is because I don't see an end point to personal growth and evolution. No one gets 'fixed.' We get better over time, but we're human and need support. It has worked for me so far in some fashion, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.

 

Thanks again for whatever perspectives you share, and I hope you can see the difference between why I would find it hard to take some replies seriously.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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OK, we get it, you are invested in her and so you don't want to hear anyone say to get rid of her.

YOU want us to support your viewpoint that she is "wrong" for doing this and you want to be told that yes you are right to want to control her behaviour and yes, you can change her, and that it will all be hunky dory and she will stop drinking and seeing those guys.

She will see the error of her ways and she will thank you for ever.

 

BUT that is not how these things usually pan out, is it?

 

I know we humans have a tendency to run headlong into problems and difficulties in the name of love, but a guy with trust issues who has been cheated on in the past proposing a serious relationship with a flirtatious woman who has a gaggle of handsome male friends, one of which she wants to "bang" and who she gets black out drunk with, has to be asking for trouble surely?

It may or may not be "innocent", but I guess she is not going to give up that ego trip without a fight.

 

Why do you want to self sabotage and ignore those red flags fluttering in the breeze?

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TheBathWater Established Member

TheBathWater

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OK, we get it, you are invested in her and so you don't want to hear anyone say to get rid of her.

YOU want us to support your viewpoint that she is "wrong" for doing this and you want to be told that yes you are right to want to control her behaviour and yes, you can change her, and that it will all be hunky dory and she will stop drinking and seeing those guys.

She will see the error of her ways and she will thank you for ever.

 

BUT that is not how these things usually pan out, is it?

 

I know we humans have a tendency to run headlong into problems and difficulties in the name of love, but a guy with trust issues who has been cheated on in the past proposing a serious relationship with a flirtatious woman who has a gaggle of handsome male friends, one of which she wants to "bang" and who she gets black out drunk with, has to be asking for trouble surely?

It may or may not be "innocent", but I guess she is not going to give up that ego trip without a fight.

 

Why do you want to self sabotage and ignore those red flags fluttering in the breeze?

 

I don't care for wrong/right positions, honestly. And I don't think the healthy long-term solution lies in controlling her behavior or changing her. Maybe I'm just looking for a way to get some perspective, hang in there, and keep it going (albeit with an eye open) until I have hard evidence that it's not worth it - and I mean more evidence than my insecurity. I have people hear adamant that I'm out of line for feeling insecure, so there's got to be some truth to that, I'm guessing?

 

It's not about self-sabotage, but actually trying to avoid self-sabotage. I don't want to end things with someone simply because I was insecure, but it seems like that's what people keep telling me to do.

road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted (edited)
I seriously can't believe people see no issue, risk, or something they would keep an eye on in this situation, and the advice is to simply tell me to just break up with her and move on. []

 

You don't like her seeing other men. So either you are exclusive or not. If you are then your are BG and GF.

 

 

If her having male friends is a problem for you then you calmly tell her and why. That if she wants to date you then going out drinking with OM and other guys is no longer an option for her.

 

 

So she has to decide other men or you. She won't go NC, and tries to pull the you are too controlling card just cut her off and just say goodbye.

 

 

Affair or no affair I would not be in a relationship with a woman that had to go out drinking and have male friends. Both are trouble.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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I don't care for wrong/right positions, honestly. And I don't think the healthy long-term solution lies in controlling her behavior or changing her. Maybe I'm just looking for a way to get some perspective, hang in there, and keep it going (albeit with an eye open) until I have hard evidence that it's not worth it - and I mean more evidence than my insecurity. I have people hear adamant that I'm out of line for feeling insecure, so there's got to be some truth to that, I'm guessing?

 

It's not about self-sabotage, but actually trying to avoid self-sabotage. I don't want to end things with someone simply because I was insecure, but it seems like that's what people keep telling me to do.

 

But being concerned about a flirty woman who is regularly partying with a gaggle of handsome male co workers is not being "insecure" is it?

How many guys would be happy about their potential gf hanging out with a guy she admits she wants to bang and getting black out drunk with him. I guess not many. Would they all be just "insecure" too?

Er..no?

YOU are trying hard to blame your insecurity, when it is behaviour that wouldn't give anyone much hope of future long term happiness, from a girl who you have been seeing for the past 10 weeks.

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