Finding myself in a tight spot [update: no desire for wife]

[Ruffian1]

Originally Posted by kiyoma

Since our sexual encounter, we are continuing the EA as we did previously. But one thing is bothering me. I said I made the decision to not have sex with her again. And honest to God, I have not made another suggestion, neither did I bring up what happened that one time.

 

But I am really feeling confused that she hasn't brought it up either. No talk about a future together. Just usual our shared interest talks. I thought sex was a pretty big deals to the girls. Once they share themselves like that with a man, they see a future with him (I know I know, ONS and sexual release encounters are different. But this was emotional between the 2 of us).

 

So what is the reason she is not bringing it up? She actually doesn't see a future me being married and wised up OR that I was really bad in sex?

 

P.S.- Don't make joke about my "deficiency

 

 

Well, you seem to think quite highly of your self.

"They see a future with him?" Is that what you think.

You are MARRIED !!!

You think she wants a future with you, does that make you feel great?

 

Does she know you are married?

 

Maybe she just wants to F&@k with you, mentally and physically.

She can always do the sex harassment card if you don't play.

 

And this is a game.

[elaine567]

I really wish there was an eye roll emojie on here.

 

[elaine567]

Since our sexual encounter, we are continuing the EA as we did previously. But one thing is bothering me. I said I made the decision to not have sex with her again. And honest to God, I have not made another suggestion, neither did I bring up what happened that one time.

 

But I am really feeling confused that she hasn't brought it up either. No talk about a future together. Just usual our shared interest talks. I thought sex was a pretty big deals to the girls. Once they share themselves like that with a man, they see a future with him (I know I know, ONS and sexual release encounters are different. But this was emotional between the 2 of us).

 

So what is the reason she is not bringing it up? She actually doesn't see a future me being married and wised up OR that I was really bad in sex?

 

P.S.- Don't make joke about my "deficiency"

 

Maybe her goal was the sex and once she had that notch on her belt she is not that interested, maybe she was not that impressed once you actually "did it", maybe like you she had a wake up call about her job, maybe she felt used, maybe she doesn't actually want to be someone's dirty little secret, maybe she felt guilty about your wife, maybe you just scratched an itch, maybe she has a new love interest in her life, maybe she totally regrets the sex and wants no repeat...

Whatever the reason is she is backing off, maybe that is your cue to do the same and turn your attention back onto your marriage.

 

People are often like mirrors, they model their behaviour on what they get back. You reap what you sow. Put your resentment away and try showing your wife some real interest and enthusiasm, and I do not mean showing her newspaper articles that YOU are interested in...

[ShatteredLady]

Sometimes I truly wish I was a lesbian!!

[stillafool]

Since our sexual encounter, we are continuing the EA as we did previously. But one thing is bothering me. I said I made the decision to not have sex with her again. And honest to God, I have not made another suggestion, neither did I bring up what happened that one time.

 

But I am really feeling confused that she hasn't brought it up either. No talk about a future together. Just usual our shared interest talks. I thought sex was a pretty big deals to the girls. Once they share themselves like that with a man, they see a future with him (I know I know, ONS and sexual release encounters are different. But this was emotional between the 2 of us).

 

So what is the reason she is not bringing it up? She actually doesn't see a future me being married and wised up OR that I was really bad in sex?

 

P.S.- Don't make joke about my "deficiency"

 

Women usually wait for the man to start talking about the future and moving the relationship forward.

[kiyoma]

I thought I was strong enough to end it but it has again restarted.

 

Seriously thinking about leaving my wife? Why even try when my heart is not in it?

[ChickiePops]

I thought I was strong enough to end it but it has again restarted.

 

Seriously thinking about leaving my wife? Why even try when my heart is not in it?

 

So your wife's feelings aren't what matter to you..like not even a teeny, tiny bit..it's about YOUR heart.

 

Charming! Your wife is a lucky lady. Oh wait..lucky's not the word I'm looking for...

 

FFS please divorce her ASAP and let her find a real man!

[Cloudcuckoo]

I thought I was strong enough to end it but it has again restarted.

 

Seriously thinking about leaving my wife? Why even try when my heart is not in it?

 

Oh for goodness sake.........

[BTDT2012]

I thought I was strong enough to end it but it has again restarted.

 

Seriously thinking about leaving my wife? Why even try when my heart is not in it?

Stop thinking, just do it.

[Miss Clavel]

 

amen. we need way more emojis.

[kiyoma]

So your wife's feelings aren't what matter to you..like not even a teeny, tiny bit..it's about YOUR heart.

 

Charming! Your wife is a lucky lady. Oh wait..lucky's not the word I'm looking for...

 

FFS please divorce her ASAP and let her find a real man!

 

Why should I give a damn? Does all these women here cheating on their husbands give a damn? But they are greeted with more sympathetic statements and are usually agreed that their marriage facilitated the affair.

 

But no, I'm a man and I'm a pig. REAL MEN kiss their wife's arse, if they don't then they are jerks.

 

Its my life and I think I deserve to be happy. And currently I'm not happy with my wife. Regardless I have decided to give one last try before I finally call it quits.

[kiyoma]

You can read my backstory if you want.

 

I want to give a one last try in saving the marriage before I call it quits. So towards that endeavor I had a talk with wife on Saturday. As usual TV was on in the evening. But during an advert I asked her to turn it off as I had something to say. So I asked her was she happy with me? She seemed confused. So I reiterated. Still "acting" confused. Then was also not directly getting to the point. So point blank "do you want to be married to me anymore?"

She completely flipped that sentence on me by asking that was I asking for a divorce. Truth be told I also wasn't sure if I would have said "No I don't want a divorce". But again I circumvented and said "its not what I want but....". Laid out the way she was living with me, the TV, all the way to arguments we had but never really resolved. This was barely 2 min of my speaking when she cut me and started herself.

 

As I promised myself as soon as she started, I just listened. Not a word. She went on about:

 

1) this is how most married lives but I was the one never to be satisfied with anything.

 

2) how I make things uncomfortable between her and her friends

 

3) how I always remind her (non verbally) of her failure as a wife because of her health issue

 

4) how I am proud and stubborn and never look at things from her viewpoint

 

Etc etc

 

I was totally going against my nature by only listening. At the end of her talk (which I am very inclined to say was a diatribe) I just asked her that I understood she needed me to lower my expectation. I was also on board on ways she feels I should act that doesn't make her feel like a failure as a wife (this extremely painful for us both). Other than that what can I do?

 

So she starts crying and mumbling "I don't know" "I don't know". Although now typing this I feel sad she was crying helpless but at the time, I was not feeling comfortable because I took all without giving anything back (not my nature)

 

I thought some resolution or atleast the path towards a resolution will come out. But totally confused what to take from this.

[BluesPower]

No you are not quite right about that.

 

Look there are numerous thread that women have been raked over the coals for their affairs.

 

I am not saying that it is right to do it to them or to you. So lets start there.

 

What has your wife done that is worth of you having this affair? Anything?

 

Here is the deal, If you really love this girl and she really, really loves you, then get a divorce and move on. Maybe it will work with her.

 

But maybe it won't. And don't think you are the worst person in the world because you are not.

 

[]

You "think" you may love your OW, OK. You "think" she may love you, OK.

 

Could it be that both of you want a little strange and are just hooking up for that reason? Really think about that.

 

If you are sure that she is the one, then be a man and divorce your wife and see where the other relationship goes.

 

But are you willing to lose your marriage on a chance that the OW really loves you? I would not.

 

[]. Stop posting about you love your wife and the OW and you don't know what to do. []

Edited November 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[kiyoma]

What has your wife done that is worth of you having this affair? Anything?

 

How about trying to starve me for a week (which I may add is physical abuse) and I had to apologize to get her back to cooking for me?

 

Or the numerous times she blew up on me in public to the delight of the onlookers?

 

Or how she tolerates disparaging remarks from her friends about me and agreeing with them?

 

Could it be that both of you want a little strange and are just hooking up for that reason? Really think about that.

 

No not really. I still find her physically attractive and my lover is single.

 

But are you willing to lose your marriage on a chance that the OW really loves you? I would not.

 

My wife earns around 40% less than me. My gf earns around 20% more than me. I'm only 28. I have no children. Readymade apartment of coworker to move into. But still I'm choosing to give one last try.

 

And I think I have made that clear that I lost my loving feeling for my wife for sometime (that doesn't mean I hate her, I still care for her as a friend)

[BluesPower]

Then you have answered your own questions.

 

Get a divorce. And if your wife is treating you that way and you don't have kids, don't even think about it, just get out.

 

She doesn't deserve the affair though, but she does deserve a divorce. She does not respect you in any way.

 

That is the best thing to do IMHO.

[eye of the storm]

Kiyoma, all of the things you describe, if true are very valid reasons to get a divorce. But none of them are reasons to have an A.

 

So get a divorce. With or without your AP, get a divorce.

 

That being said, someone refusing to not cook for you is not someone starving you. You are more than capable of cooking or going out to eat. And you claiming they were trying to starve you is classic drama queen.

[anika99]

People don't get married so that someone else will do their cooking and laundry. If that was your expectation then no wonder you are disappointed.

 

If both you and your wife work then why is it her responsibility to do all of the cooking anyways? Does she have to do the dishes too? Seems to me that those daily tasks should be shared.

 

You do sound too emotionally immature to be married and maybe your wife is too. Either way I don't think you giving her another chance to be your lifelong cook and housekeeper is really doing her any favors. Just get divorced already.

[kiyoma]

Get this...

 

I wash the clothes. Even her dirty underwears. I mop the floor. I peel some of the vegetable and fish. I do the outside work of the household. I make the tea when she gets up.

 

She peels some vegetable and fish. She cooks. She cleans the dishes. She does the groceries.

 

Its 50-50

[Mr. Lucky]

I just asked her that I understood she needed me to lower my expectation.

 

What I read is she needs you to raise your game, a very different thing.

 

After a very unsatisfying first marriage filled with silent resentment, I made myself this promise - if I ever met the right woman, I would be the first to forgive and the last to get angry.

 

Both of you sound like you've dug your heels in pretty firmly, more interested in defending than understanding. You might be the poster child for marriage counseling, seems honest communication not sensed by either party.

 

If you're really committed to one last try, MC would get my vote...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

[]

 

If you are going to give things with your wife an honest try, I would suggest counseling with a neutral third party,and that you are 100 percent honest about everything. It's the only way you'll have a chance of it working out for you.

If you aren't willing to do that, then why even bother staying married? Divorce and go be with your ow,who I suspect will soon be acting the same as your wife, once she's with you full time.

Edited October 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
unproductive to topic ~6

[eye of the storm]

Ahhh, I get it. My xH loved to [complain] about my cooking. The one and only time I stood up for myself, I quit cooking for him. I cooked for me, I cooked for the kids, but if he was eating I cooked nothing. I threw left overs away as soon as I heard him hit the driveway. Until he apologized. Took him awhile since he wasn't used to me defying him. But he did. My mistake was accepting it cause as soon as I started cooking again, he started [complaining] again.

 

And if you got married to have a cook and house keeper then you shouldn't have gotten married. My kids both (son and daughter) are more than capable of feeding and housing themselves because I want them to partner up because the other person makes their life happier and fuller. Not because they are terrified of a can opener.

Edited October 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[kiyoma]

What I read is she needs you to raise your game, a very different thing.

 

This sounds interesting. What do you mean?

 

If you're really committed to one last try, MC would get my vote...

 

Yeah, thought of that. Havent brought it up yet. But surely we need a third party. Otherwise our talks will only take the shape of mutual blaming.

Edited October 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[Robert]

note from moderation: we've merged a couple threads and cleaned up a considerable amount of rude and unproductive posts.

 

Also, here is a reminder of what to do if you think someone is a troll: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/announcement-if-you-think-post-thread-troll-79.html

 

Hint:

Please *do not* go on threads and call other members trolls or suggest, by any means, that they are trolling.

Report it and either respond to the topical material in accordance with our guidelines or move on.

 

 

~6

[piano1962]

You can read my backstory if you want.

 

I want to give a one last try in saving the marriage before I call it quits. So towards that endeavor I had a talk with wife on Saturday. As usual TV was on in the evening. But during an advert I asked her to turn it off as I had something to say. So I asked her was she happy with me? She seemed confused. So I reiterated. Still "acting" confused. Then was also not directly getting to the point. So point blank "do you want to be married to me anymore?"

She completely flipped that sentence on me by asking that was I asking for a divorce. Truth be told I also wasn't sure if I would have said "No I don't want a divorce". But again I circumvented and said "its not what I want but....". Laid out the way she was living with me, the TV, all the way to arguments we had but never really resolved. This was barely 2 min of my speaking when she cut me and started herself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I promised myself as soon as she started, I just listened. Not a word. She went on about:

 

1) this is how most married lives but I was the one never to be satisfied with anything.

 

2) how I make things uncomfortable between her and her friends

 

3) how I always remind her (non verbally) of her failure as a wife because of her health issue

 

4) how I am proud and stubborn and never look at things from her viewpoint

 

Etc etc

 

I was totally going against my nature by only listening. At the end of her talk (which I am very inclined to say was a diatribe) I just asked her that I understood she needed me to lower my expectation. I was also on board on ways she feels I should act that doesn't make her feel like a failure as a wife (this extremely painful for us both). Other than that what can I do?

 

So she starts crying and mumbling "I don't know" "I don't know". Although now typing this I feel sad she was crying helpless but at the time, I was not feeling comfortable because I took all without giving anything back (not my nature)

 

I thought some resolution or atleast the path towards a resolution will come out. But totally confused what to take from this.

 

I am so sorry to hear what you and your wife both are going through. It must be hard! It's always easier to quit than to keep going. I know you are trying really hard; and may be your wife is too in her own way. I can see you have love for her still but just don't know how to proceed. Believe me, until you figure out what's wrong in this relationship and learn from it; even if you were to get a divorce and start a new one; it might end up the same or even worse. Truth is, we are all imperfect people and marriages go through peaks and valleys just like everything else in life. Love is a choice, not a feeling. If we choose to love someone and not give up, the relationship may eventually turn around even though the feeling is not there now. However, we are not professionals here so are not equipped to provide you with the "how to"s. We are here to listen to you and offer support. I hope you will be able to seek professional help. As long as you both love one another, this is just the "season" of life; and if you both could survive through it, you might find out that you love can one another deeper than before. Hope that's the case with you!! Wish you all the best!!

[Mr. Lucky]

This sounds interesting. What do you mean?

 

According you, here's her issues with the marriage:

 

1) this is how most married lives but I was the one never to be satisfied with anything.

 

2) how I make things uncomfortable between her and her friends

 

3) how I always remind her (non verbally) of her failure as a wife because of her health issue

 

4) how I am proud and stubborn and never look at things from her viewpoint

 

Etc etc

 

So what do you think she'd like you to do more of?

 

Mr. Lucky