How can I begin to move on - separation that wasn't my choice

[LancasterAmos1966]

I feel so misunderstood & feel that I really do not deserve to be treated like this.

 

 

You don't deserve this!!

 

But unfortunately, it takes 2 to get married, but only 1 to break it up.

[LancasterAmos1966]

isthismylife: I am now left with an immense feeling of regret & awareness of what contributed to this.

 

Nothing wrong with owning up to any part that you played in this, BUT please be very careful taking all of the blame!! He made a Vow, and he promised to make your relationship work. From what you have posted so far, I'd say he has lied about his Vow.

 

 

I suspect as they feel there is nothing they can say as much as not wanting to hear me go through it all again or burst into the tears.

 

I think it's more that they simply don't understand the level of hurt you are going through.

 

10 years ago, I was sympathetic towards separating/divorcing couples, but I simply had NO idea of the level of emotional hurt......until I went through it myself. And now I understand.

 

And whenever you must cry, please don't hold those tears in. Let the tears flow because that is simply an emotional release.

 

Grieving is important. It only becomes bad when it goes on for too long, and if we get stuck in the Depression Stage of grief. (5 stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then comes Acceptance.)

 

 

I managed to get through a day at work today & got to read stories to my wonderful kids tonight which has left me feeling incredibly thankful for what I do have rather than focusing on my loss.

 

You have a great attitude.

 

But remember, your loss is real, and whether you were together 2 days or 20 years, the loss will take some time to recover from.

 

 

One of my husband's complaints was that I was often negative, as difficult as it is at the moment, I am trying to look for positives in each day. Wonder how long I will be able to maintain that?

 

Again, be careful with his accusations. He might be exaggerating in order to justify his actions.

 

What he calls negative, might better be termed being realistic. My wife blamed me for a whole list of things, and she was just exaggerating to make herself feel good walking away from me and our 6 kids. (Like my kids said, if I was so bad, then why did she walk away and leave them in an "unsafe" situation.)

 

How long can you remain positive?

 

Thinking about doing it for the next 50 years will be overwhelming, so focus on getting through today.

 

And it's ok to lean on your relatives --- You'd help them out, so don't be bashful to lean on them for the next few months.

 

I'm not suggesting you are thinking about suicide, but from what I have read, many family members had NO idea that their loved one was feeling so depressed!!!! If they had only known, they would have helped. But they can't read minds --- they need us to let them know.

[isthismylife]

Thank You LancasterAmos - I found that reply incredibly helpful & supportive.

 

I have arranged a few evenings out with different family & friends including a weekend away with the children soon which I hope will do us all good.

 

I am slowly learning not to expect too much of myself & am so glad that I have found Loveshack. It's strange that people you have never met can provide such a source of comfort.

 

You are so right about friends & family not understanding. I have one close friend who went through an unwanted divorce a few years ago, he is now very happily remarried & another who was abandoned last year - she continues to be a great support to me.

 

I am now trying to tackle the practical aspects such as the minefield that is separating the finances - wish me luck!

[getsmartie]

Sorry to hear your story isthis.

 

I think you're receiving a lot of good advice. Those stages of grief aren't really in any particular order...you'll bounce back and forth and be all over the place. You'll know when you've moved past the betrayal when you feel indifferent to him.

 

The other thing is do not try to fill a void and try dating. Well meaning friends may suggest that but if you do you'll end up not picking wisely.

 

It would be really nice if couples checked in on one another on a regular basis....just to talk about those little annoying things that are causing a drift in the relationship instead of announcing one day that they are leaving.

[LancasterAmos1966]

isthismylife: Thank You LancasterAmos - I found that reply incredibly helpful & supportive.

 

Glad I said something that could be helpful, but you are going to need support for easily a few months.....on this forum, relatives, friends, etc.

 

 

 

I have arranged a few evenings out with different family & friends including a weekend away with the children soon which I hope will do us all good.

 

It can be good but if you are used to having your husband along, then it's going to feel very strange not having him there with you and your children.....and that can turn on the Niagara Falls tears......and let r' rip if that happens.

 

It's just one way of processing the loss.

 

And if you are happy the whole time, that is great too!! Just be you.

 

 

 

I am slowly learning not to expect too much of myself & am so glad that I have found Loveshack. It's strange that people you have never met can provide such a source of comfort.

 

Yes, that's it right there ---- don't expect too much of yourself right now. You've been knocked down, and someone who has never been through this might think you are being overly dramatic. But I know you are not!!

 

 

 

You are so right about friends & family not understanding. I have one close friend who went through an unwanted divorce a few years ago, he is now very happily remarried & another who was abandoned last year - she continues to be a great support to me.

 

That's great -- you have some local support, and also a few friends that have been down this road before.

 

I have a friend that just lost his wife to a sudden heart-attack. Married 49 years. Buried her on Friday. I reminded him today that I did not lose my wife to death, but even so, I still lost her.

 

I lost companionship, a lover, someone to dream with, someone to share life with.

 

Just 1 week ago he could not understand why I grieved over losing my wife --- he cared, but he just could not relate.

 

But, guess what!! Today he now understands the loss that I felt.

 

I told him to lean on me for a few months until he gets his back on his feet.

 

 

 

I am now trying to tackle the practical aspects such as the minefield that is separating the finances - wish me luck!

 

That is a minefield; but it must be done sooner or later......in my opinion, later is better.

 

I know there are pressing business items, but don't let him make demands and put more pressure on you. Your first priority is your health --- physical and emotional. Do whatever business you must do, but don't allow anyone to push you to do more than you can handle right now.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Sorry to hear your story isthis.

 

I think you're receiving a lot of good advice. Those stages of grief aren't really in any particular order...you'll bounce back and forth and be all over the place. You'll know when you've moved past the betrayal when you feel indifferent to him.

 

The other thing is do not try to fill a void and try dating. Well meaning friends may suggest that but if you do you'll end up not picking wisely.

 

It would be really nice if couples checked in on one another on a regular basis....just to talk about those little annoying things that are causing a drift in the relationship instead of announcing one day that they are leaving.

 

Nice post Getsmartie.

 

Concerning the last line you posted, I think that some spouses just get tired of the relationship. And if they were to talk it out, they know the other spouse would do whatever is necessary to fix the problem.

 

And so, they start arguments, they create drama, etc. And if the other spouse still holds on, then they might go to extreme measures and walk out, have an affair, etc. --- all with the hope that the other spouse will get tired of them, and walk away.

 

A book from 1990 called Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships really helped me understand that some people just want to leave. That makes absolutely no sense to me, but thankfully, I accept that is just the way it is.

[The_Onceler]

I had to see him today as he put the kids to bed, it's so tough.I just feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness.

 

I *so* feel this. On days when the girls are with their mother, I feel so adrift, so pointless. It is worse immediately after they leave me. It is the very worst when I have to leave them directly with their mother (usually I put them on the bus in the morning, and then their mother picks them up in the afternoon, or vice versa, so we almost never have to all be in the same place at the same time for exchanges).

 

I am struggling with this now, as you are, so I am not sure how much value my advice might have, but... I have been doing a few things:

 

(1) Avoid my ex. I try to keep my contact to text and email only. For instance, yesterday she texted me to tell me that I had forgotten to send the girls with some of the things that they needed for school. She asked that I drop them by her new place. I agreed, but stipulated that I would leave them at her door, and she was not to tell the girls about it. I didn't want to see them, and then deal with leaving them again. It may sound cruel to avoid my own daughters, but it saves me from distress, and I suspect it saved them from distress as well.

 

Also, I just don't want to be around my ex. That's still too hurtful.

 

(2) Keep busy. When the girls are with their mother, I force myself to do something, ANYTHING, rather than just sit around. I have been visiting family, helping a sibling with a home improvement project, cleaning and organizing my house, going to the gym, exercising at home, etc.

 

(3) Focus on my kids. One nice side effect of keeping busy during my alone time is that I have very few tasks remaining when my girls are with me. So, I mentally plan to just be present with them. For instance, I had them this past weekend, and when we got home Friday evening, it was drizzling outside, growing dark, and they needed dinner. I started to prepare dinner while they played in the driveway. Before long, they asked that I come play with them. I initially thought, "Well, it's raining and getting dark, and I need to make you dinner, so perhaps you should both just come inside."

 

Then I reconsidered.

 

I thought, what's the worst that could happen if I go outside? We get wet?Dinner is late?

 

So, I went out. We stomped in some puddles, ran around the yard, and wound up raking the few fallen leaves around and pretending we were farmers. The girls were hilarious to be with, and it was really fun.

 

 

Perhaps these same things will work to lessen your feelings of emptiness.

[Mr. Lucky]

Perhaps these same things will work to lessen your feelings of emptiness.

 

I had many of the same types of experiences with my son after my divorce. It's too bad it took my marriage falling apart for me to understand the value of being present in the moment with my kid. I guess no pain, no gain...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

I walked away from my marriage without having someone else. I don't know why that's so hard to believe that a person can do this. Some people just have the insight to know when something just can not be recovered, no matter how much you try. What's dead is dead.

 

Maybe you should think about the fact that the marriage was dead too. Why are you okay with living the rest of you life like that? Don't you value yourself enough to want a happier future too?

Edited October 5, 2016 by Popsicle

[Justme75]

I am recently separated as well. Reading your post really reminds me of how I am feeling right now. We have been together almost 16 years on NY's and married for 14 in May. We've had alot of ups and downs the latest of our married years... The last 3 or so have been the most with struggle, we've seen a MC as well and it helped for a while. But I don't think he was entirely honest how he was feeling. July he told me he wanted to separate but we have tried being separated in our house for 3 months now and he'll be moving out next weekend. It's just too painful to see him daily knowing he is so distant and devoid of any emotional connection to me. he doesn't see our marriage getting any better, there is no other woman either. I really do know how you are feeling and what you are going through. It's a pain indescribable, almost paralyzing.

[Justme75]

I am recently separated as well. Reading your post really reminds me of how I am feeling right now. We have been together almost 16 years on NY's and married for 14 in May. We've had alot of ups and downs the latest of our married years... The last 3 or so have been the most with struggle, we've seen a MC as well and it helped for a while. But I don't think he was entirely honest how he was feeling. July he told me he wanted to separate but we have tried being separated in our house for 3 months now and he'll be moving out next weekend. It's just too painful to see him daily knowing he is so distant and devoid of any emotional connection to me. he doesn't see our marriage getting any better, there is no other woman either. I really do know how you are feeling and what you are going through. It's a pain indescribable, almost paralyzing.

[Mz. Pixie]

It takes about 15 to 20 minute to check your phone bill online. I've seen this over and over again. They'd never do that then, BAM! It happens with alarming frequency. Being naive at a time like this doesn't help.

 

I'm like Lucky, I've been here a long time, and I can say it's very very rare for someone to leave their marriage without someone on the side or the thought of a person on the side (someone they have emotional feelings for). It does happen but I think it's rare.

 

In any case it would be good for her to investigate just to be sure. She's feeling and taking a lot of the blame for what's going on and she deserves to have the full truth of whatever it is that is going on.

 

Pretty easy to set up an online account on someone's cell phone to access the bill to see the numbers. Just saying.

[isthismylife]

Hi,

 

Well it's coming up to almost 6 months since he left & it doesn't feel any easier.

 

He came to get the kids today & as they were leaving my eldest asked me to wave at the window. I haven't been able to stop the tears from falling ever since & that was an hour ago. I am feeling so low that I just want to crawl back into bed & stay there. I know that is pathetic & won't achieve anything & certainly won't make me feel any better.

 

I just hate the sense that we are no longer a family, he does not appear to be any happier in his new life either & it all seems so pointless.

 

I am dreading Christmas which has always been one time of year that we loved even before we had children.

 

I am hoping from some positive stories from those that are further along than me. I really do not need any advice from people who are simply insensitive when I am here looking for support. I am lucky that I have friends & family but they have not been through this so cannot understand the despair & anguish I feel almost every waking moment.

[Raena]

6 months in is still a short time to deal with the emotions you are feeling. It's ok to cry for a while if that's what you need. Do it now when the kids aren't there and let it all out. I remember many nights holding it in and crying after my son went to bed or silently crying while I was driving and he couldn't see me. Don't feel bad about feeling the need to cry, it's normal.

 

I'm 3 years out and until recently when I started dating someone I really enjoy being with I was still feeling the loss. It took me a long time to get past the hurt and anguish I was feeling.

 

Do you have any pets? I adopted a dog 2 years ago and let me tell you what... it really made all the difference in the world for me. It forced me to get out of bed, walk him, take him to the park and have someone to snuggle with at night. If you can have one and don't already maybe you should think about it?

[BluesPower]

I have not been through this yet, but I have been through some horrible stuff.

 

I think the worst was finding out that my wife had been a drug addict for 20 years. Long story, but is was a relief and a shock to say the least.

 

Nothing like separation and divorce, but it has taken me 2 years after she was sober, the last 2 years, for me to actually start to get past the pain and betrayal that I have dealt with for 20 years. I am just starting to come to terms with the fact that, I am not the crazy one and I never was.

 

And I don't think that is as hard as what you are going through.

 

But regardless, are you doing anything to make yourself fell better? Have you started IC to help you deal with this? Have you been able to make any changes to start to move forward?

 

You can't just lay down and die, you have to pick yourself up somehow.

 

Keep posting here for one thing, there are a ton of people in your position.

 

Try to hang in there and do something nice for yourself no matter how small.

 

Everyone is pulling for you, good luck dear...

[Robin Reese]

I know there are plenty of you who have been through something similar so I am hoping for some advice.

 

Been with my husband for 18 years (known each other for 22 years) married for 12. Things didn't seem right early this year & then in June he announces that he doesn't think he loves me anymore & then moved out immediately. We have 2 children aged 9 & 7.

 

I was shocked as although I realised things had become stale between us, I had no idea he felt like this & asked him to try & make it work. He agreed to go to MC & we have been to about 8 or 9 sessions. The last one was this week where I really laid my feelings out there & said that I really wanted to move forward & try to come back together. He doesn't feel as if he wants to, He says there is no one else & in the past 3 months there has been no sign of another woman on the scene.

 

The counsellor said that there is no point in us attending any further joint sessions & I am just crushed. I feel like I have regressed to the level I was at when he first left & although I didn't realise it, I must have been holding onto that tiny sliver of hope that he would come back. I'm feeling constantly anxious, finding it difficult to sleep or eat & am very tearful all the time.

 

I know that I need to start to let go & move on but I have absolutely no idea how I can begin to do that from someone I have known & loved for over half my life & who I still have to see & attempt to maintain a civil relationship with because of the kids.

 

I fear that I will end up bitter & resentful towards him because of his actions & I really don't want that. I am not the type of person that hates, I suspect my tolerance is how I ended up in this mess already. I know that he resents me & seems emotionally void towards me - I really don't want that but am really struggling to cope.

 

Any ideas welcomed.

Very sorry to hear about your situation but I think its time you should move on too and accept that it is what it is. You are an incredible mother of two amazing children. M sure you are so its him who is left with nothing and let it be him to feel the pain. Start moving on and keep yourself motivated by finding little happiness from around.

 

 

 

M sure this will help.. God Bless!

Edited November 21, 2016 by Robin Reese
typing errors