Wife had affair now needs space. I want to save my marriage

[BluesPower]

So wes25, We would all like to know how you are doing and what the current situation is with you.

 

When you can let us know how you are doing...

[Chi townD]

I think this is a hit and run thread. Dude is probably not coming back.

[painfullyobvious]

Has the OM affair to his wife been exposed? I may have skipped that but let the OM's wife know what is happening if he is married as well. Once he has pressure from his marriage that could help you in keeping this affair underground.

 

I agree with all the other posters here stop being nice to your wife. Let her have her affair but let her do it on her dime and in her/OMs apartment. Kick her out and see how willing and wonderful the other man is when he needs to actually support your wife emotionally and financially.

 

It is one thing to have sex on the side with no strings but once your wife actually needs something lets see how wonderful the OM is. Read up on the 180 and take care of yourself and your daughter. Affairs are not as glorious once they are out in the open.

[merrmeade]

I'd like to hear the answers to these questions, too:

You said you've lied to her alot for virtually 16 years?

Would you mind expanding upon that?

 

Have you had affair(s)?

 

I kinda got a weird vibe but only because you "appeared" to want to put it all behind you very fast and move on. Not accusations, just trying to gain some clarity of the situation.

And then the list of the basics is good, too.

Cheating spouses are high achievers at blame shifting. Do not allow this.

 

ENACT THE 180 immediately.

 

DO NOT ACT DESPERATE.

 

The other Betrayed Spouse needs to know ASAP.

You are being RESPONSIBLE by doing so.

 

YOU need to be tested for STDs and so does the other BS. IMMEDIATELY.

 

FILE for divorce. Immediately if you can.

You can always change your mind later down the track.

So don't be desperate means when you throw her out of the bedroom, you don't apologize, you don't react, you just dump your stuff in the room and tell her when to be out. It conveys a lot.

 

All of your actions, when implementing the 180, should convey that -

- She can't walk all over you from here on out.

- You don't give a damn how she feels about it.

- You're strong enough to move on.

- You owe her nothing.

- You're decisive, firm and won't be swayed by anything she says or does.

Etc.

 

Now, it's like the song "Whistle a Happy Tune" - If you act boldly and fearlessly, it can make you begin to feel that way. And it's true. Actions and behavior can cause your feelings to change.

 

P.S. "Cheating spouses are high achievers at blame shifting" is really funny.

[Satu]

I think this is a hit and run thread. Dude is probably not coming back.

 

Yes, it looks that way.

[Steadfast]

He might. My first time post had responses that cut me like a knife. It was exactly what I knew, deep down, but feared the most. I didn't return for months, but people remembered me when I did. Pretty cool.

 

It took three months from D-day to let her go, but it was by far the best decision I could have made. I'm now with a woman who loves me. Just me. But if she didn't I'd still be okay because people don't make you happy. That's on all of us, as individuals. I could insert my story into most of what this guy wrote, and there's many hundreds of copies on this site. That's what helped me the most...having a place to talk, with genuine people, but not face to face. It takes awhile for something like the 180 to sink in and absorb, but I took it a step farther and decided I didn't want to be married to her anymore. I wasn't acting, and it shook my ice queen to her shoes.

 

She was really upset that I wasn't in the bag anymore.

 

Good folks waiting to help you OP, should you return. It isn't easy but there's a path out of where you are and it's clearly marked. Get on it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wes, if you are still there reading the posts on your thread then there are some things I want to add to what has been said. Firstly, I think wayward spouses are cowards who do not want to face up to their problems and are looking for an easy solution to mitigate their discomfort and difficulties. Your WW is one of them. She could have shown the backbone to stand up to you and tell you that you had to drastically change your habits and attitude towards her otherwise she would proceed with a divorce. However she chose to take the easy way out and cheat on you to fulfill whatever needs she thought you were not fulfilling. At the same time she held on to the stability and comfort that you were providing her because she was afraid to face the world all alone on her own.

 

Secondly, your lying over the years and not paying enough attention towards her probably finally got to her and put her in a revengeful mood making her feel that she needed to get her own back on you! Of course she went about it the wrong way as I said above but over the years she must have been checking out of the marriage by slow degrees till the OM arrived on the scene and acted as a catalyst to expedite her emotional weaning off from you and directing her attention to another object for her emotional attention. Some have said that by implementing the 180 deg turn about you would attract her back to the marriage to work it out with you. I think there is a fifty fifty chance of this as, if her OM dumps her as he is likely to do if he gets to know that you are putting in your divorce papers, she may not come back to you but look for some one else who will be willing to replace you as a husband and lover and never look back. You have to be prepared for this eventuality. Fact is, what every one else has been saying is very very true! I would endorse the views of both Malvern and Lion Heart as being pertinent to your case. You cannot, as some one said Nice her back to the marriage and the sooner you accept this fact the sooner you will spare your self a lot of heart ache. You know if you take a length of rope and lay it out straight on the ground and then set one end alight so that the rope slowly smoulders and burns up, you will still be able to see the complete outline of the rope as it was when it was unburnt even with the twists of the original strands.However what you have is just ash which will crumble the moment you try to pick it up. Well, sad to say your marriage is most likely in that state, seemingly solid on the outside but hollow on the inside.

 

My advice to you is to detach from your wife in every respect and move on with your life as if she is just a memory of what once was ( which in fact it is)and look to a positive future with your daughter. Review the advice given by so many others abd choose out of it that which best fits your situation and forge ahead. Warm wishes.

[NTV]

Hey, not sure if you are still interested in hearing from us but I can say one of the things that helped me the most when I was in your shoes was a journal.

[Wes25]

I'm still here. But you won't be proud of me.

 

I was ready, after I posted and read some of the responses I was ready to reclaim what was mine. I had planned to talk to her that night that I was moving back into the bedroom, that if she needed space that she could move into the spare room or move out. Then it crumbled down on me

 

I started the conversation and she told me that she thinks we need to separate. That she just doesn't know right now. That she is confused, not happy with who she is and doesn't know if we will ever be the same. WTF.... you cheated on me!!!

 

So days have passed, I told her that she needed to move out, that I'm not sure if I can sit back and wait. Now is where it gets bad for me

 

I can't hold the mortgage on my own without struggle. I know she can't afford much rent on her own without struggle. I have backed off. Told her to stay on condition that she starts individual counselling and figures her self out. That enough of the pity party and just laying in bed and avoiding life, that she needs to do something for our daughter. As long as she does that she can stay here. I still sleep in the spare bedroom but as I ask because things don't make sense she admits more. The affair was much more, much longer. She had sex with him in our house, in our bed, so as far as I'm concerned I'd rather light that bed on fire then sleep in it. I want to know the full truth and have told her one day whether she likes it or not she owes it to me to tell me the full truth. No matter how much she thinks it will hurt me I feel like I need to know.

 

The last few days have been better where we get along better, and I try not to talk about it or think about it. I want her to get started on her counselling and see where that goes. A part of me wants to believe that she is confused, filled with grief and remorse and uncertainty that it won't work because what she did, and that with counselling it will work some of that out and she will want to put her full effort into it.

 

Another part of me is scared to admit its over. That I'm just either delaying the inevitable or making it harder on myself.

 

I exposed the affair to the OM's wife. That didn't make me feel any better or worse, but I did it. I like to tell myself she deserved to know but that seems like a fairy tale.

 

I started counselling which helped. The day after counselling I sat down with my wife and finally told her everything I was feeling. Everything I was bottling up in order to not push her away. I exploded. Told her that I thought she was selfish, a terrible person for doing this. That if she could have sex with a man in our house, 15' from our daughters room then my daughter deserved a better mother. That I always thought she was the better parent but it turns out I am. So much more. I'm sure it cut her deep but it felt like a poison I had to get out. I told her that she was gaslighting me and that was almost worse than the affair.

 

But here I sit, still hoping my wife will come back to me and I'm the betrayed one. I'm not proud, but I'm not afraid to lose my pride over someone I love. I still hold out the slightest hope for my marriage and family.

 

I know that I am doing everything wrong, but right now I don't have the strength to do the 180. I have read that I can't "nice her back to me" but its the only thing I'm capable of doing right now.

 

I understand if I get no responses, I have taken no advice from any of you. I'm honestly scared to do anything right now

[MJJean]

I'm so sorry you're hurting and trying to navigate through this mess. Don't be too down on yourself. You'll figure it out. Time reveals all, right? Just concentrate on you and your daughter for now.

[Marc878]

Understand that your fear is your worst enemy at this time. The only way to get out of this the best you can is to get your strength. Your exposure to OM's was the best thing you could have done.

 

Exposure will not push your wife further away because she's already gone. It maybe the only thing you have to save this if that's possible.

 

Your daughter is old enough to know in a sanitized version.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[Mr. Lucky]

I know that I am doing everything wrong, but right now I don't have the strength to do the 180. I have read that I can't "nice her back to me" but its the only thing I'm capable of doing right now.

 

 

You're focused on the steps rather than the end goal. Nothing wrong with wanting to save your marriage - so ask yourself, what's the best way to do that?

 

As it stands now, you're simply enabling the affair and pushing her further away. Not going to get you what you say you want ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr Blunt]

By Wes25

But here I sit, still hoping my wife will come back to me and I'm the betrayed one. I still hold out the slightest hope for my marriage and family.

I know that I am doing everything wrong, but right now I don't have the strength to do the 180. I have read that I can't "nice her back to me" but its the only thing I'm capable of doing right now.

I'm honestly scared to do anything right now

 

 

 

 

 

Wes

Your crisis (D-day) is only a few months old so do not feel bad that you do not have the strength to do more than you are doing. However, keep this thread available for the future when you get stronger. There is very little that you can do to help your wife but there is a lot you can do for yourself. DO NOT SACRIFICE building yourself up so that you can try and fix your wife; YOU CAN NOT FIX YOUR WIFE.

 

You need to totally concentrate on building yourself back up a few reasons:

 

 

1 You are shattered and very weak like all of us were at one time. You cannot allow yourself to go down more because your emotional and physical condition is at stake. You also need to get better so you can help your children. As hard as it is you will have to not concentrate her and not act to try and fix your wife. That is not mean or revenge that is facing reality. Your wife is the one that is mostly responsible to get the right help and then do her part to get better. Right now you have very little to no role to play in her recovery.

 

 

2 If your wife starts to get better and if she is going to give your marriage her full attention and devotion, then she will respond to a wise and strong man. That can be you in the future. She will not gravitate towards a weak man.

 

3 In the event that your marriage is not salvageable then you need to get stronger so that you can know that your life can be good again without her. You cannot see that right now because your hurt is so fresh. Millions of people have gone through what you have gone through and have a good life. Your wife is not your whole life and the more self-sufficient that you become the stronger and happier you will be.

 

 

What will help you build up your emotions and spirit? If you do not know then find out. There are a lot of resources for that such as professional therapy and other men that have been where you are and now have a good life. That takes years but if they can do it so can you! If you do not do it you will become a dish rag that is not much good to anyone including yourself.

 

 

Just because you now have no strength to do the things that you know you need to, DO NOT GIVE UP! There are a lot of actions that you can take when you get a little stronger. Do something every day or week that builds you up. Do not look for an activity that will increase your strength by 100% in a few days or weeks; that is a fantasy expectation. Look for actions that will build you up 1-5% per day or week. In 6 months to a year you can be a LOT stronger and more self-reliant than you are right now.

 

 

 

 

Make a plan and set a goal for yourself that is only for you. Make a bucket list and start doing them. FORCE yourself to work on the plan and fight to keep your wife out of your thoughts and actions. You are in a war rather you want to be or not. If you want to rest for now that is OK but be thinking and getting ready to start taking actions in the near future.

 

 

 

 

Wes

WILL YOU MAKE A PLAN AND START TO GET READY TO TAKE ACTIONS THAT WILL BUILD YOU UP IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, NEXT FEW MONTHS?

WILL YOU FIND THE RIGHT KIND OF HELP TO HELP YOU?

[seren]

Hi Wes, please don't beat yourself up, it is still very soon after D Day and you, like most of us BS felt at the time, are probably still in shock. It is hard to get your head around things and make decisions right now, especially when you have a child to consider too. We all tackle being a BS differently, we might all feel the same emotions at being cheated and lied to, but we are all very different, our marriages and situations are different and there really is no one size that fits all.

 

I would urge you to not sweep anything under the carpet, otherwise it can come back and bite you on the bum. If any reconciliation is successful it is never done on the back of lies or hidden truth, otherwise how can you make an informed choice about your future. As people have said, if you want to reconcile do it on your terms, what works for you, if not then how best to manage a break up, especially when you have a child. I know the future looks a very dark place right now, but it needn't be. You may have to make huge changes, your life and lifestyle may change, but the way life is at present cannot sustain and give you and your child joy. Maybe working out how to handle a possible break up will help to feel you have control at this time.

 

If you do want to reconcile, I can tell you it isn't easy, it is possibly one of the hardest things you can do, I am 9 yrs on from D Day and yes, me and he are happy, but we still have a scar that runs through our marriage history that took a long time to heal, but is always there. It took the both of us to make our marriage work and we both wanted it to. One person, even with the best of intentions cannot save a marriage or heal the relationship, it takes commitment from you both. If your wife isn't prepared to work alongside you, then it can never work.

 

As I said, you will get a lot of different responses from a lot of different people who have experienced infidelity, somewhere in it all is what will work for you. Just be sure you are doing what is best and never, ever settle for anything less than you can handle. Try not to just get on with it or put up with or any of those, not really doing what is right for you phrases. I hope you find some answers.

Edited October 5, 2016 by seren

[Friskyone4u]

Wes,

 

Your post yesterday did NOT tell anyone anything about the major issue.

 

You want to reconcile, but do you want to reconcile with her if she is still having sex with another man.????

 

It does not matter if you are weak or strong or whether she is in the house or not. Unless I missed it, she has NOT agreed to stop seeing him and/or talking to him, and she goes to bed happily each night in a bed that she banged him in while you sleep elsewhere.

 

Until YOU make the decision on whether or not you will continue to share her, this will not end and there is no incentive for her to make any decisions when she can have the comfort of her home, have her daughter under the same roof 100% of the time, and still have her boyfriend when she wants to.

 

Unfortunately, you cannot only change that when she actually believes that the consequences of her actions will cause her will be unpleasant. You begging and pleading for crumbs will not fix this.

 

This is a ****storm you cannot run from if you ever want to escape.

[spanz1]

Wes25, do not be embarrassed that the two of you need to live together for financial reasons. I can see that! It is a sudden shift, and turning your well planned life into a yard sale was not planned for.

 

 

I think what people are advocating here is not necessarily kicking her out the door, but showing her that her cheating has consequences. Like is she sleeping in the guest room/basement, while you enjoy the bedroom? Did you stop paying for her smart phone that she used during the affair? Did you start to separate your finances from hers, having your pay check deposited in your own separate account? Do you limit your contact with her, like in "the 180", to show here things are NOT ok, NOT going to go back to normal anytime soon--especially without her doing some hard work to win back your trust.

 

 

Good luck man, it will be tough on you. I suggest working out at the local YMCA, it is good for your body, your mind, and keeps you from hanging around and interacting with her any more than you absolutely need to.

[Cephalopod]

Wes, let go of the outcome.

[harrybrown]

Has she written a timeline of the A?

 

Has she been tested for stds?

 

has she stopped all contact with the OM?

 

if not, she is still in contact and still screwing him.

 

You can not control her.

 

So do you have any family, parents? Have you told all her friends and relatives?

 

You did good by exposing to the OM's wife.

 

Now get your D. You will not nice her out of her A.

 

File for D. Get your child and yourself free of her.

 

She is a lousy mother. Is she going to let the OM abuse your child?

 

She does not care about you or her former family. You need to get your enemy away from you. Have her leave.

 

 

Then go live with your parents. But get the D, because she loves him and not you. She hates you to f*ck him in your bed.

[BTDT2012]

I know that I am doing everything wrong, but right now I don't have the strength to do the 180. I have read that I can't "nice her back to me" but its the only thing I'm capable of doing right now.

Wes25, you cannot singlehandedly save your marriage. Unloading about your feelings is a good start. Please, please stop being nice. Get that damn bed out of your house. Let her sleep on the floor. Begin by only talking about your daughter, and things necessary for running your household. And get yourself into counseling. You can do this. A little bit more each day.

[merrmeade]

You do not need to add what people on LS think of you to the list of things you're worrying about. You are not judged.

[Jersey born raised]

Hate - no way. Perhaps a sense despair for you, that you are taking a path that will only cause you more pain.

 

Perhaps allowing your wife to remain in your life can be compared to smoking three packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day. ( that's packs of twenty per.). You feel horrible, your lungs feel like they are crushed and on fire. Emphysema is right around the corner followed by lung cancer and heart attacks. There is only one way to stop this trainwreck, stop smoking.

 

Stand up for yourself. Sell the house, find a new place for you and your daughter. Do not accept anything less then 50/50 custody. Say word there are a lot of women and men that here that can guide you. Just say "what's the best way to divorce my wife"

[Mz. Pixie]

I've been here a long time and I've posted to help the BS. I was a wayward wife at one time. So I have been where your wife is.

 

You never disclosed to us what you had lied to her about over the years? Any unfaithfulness on your part? Emotional or otherwise? Can you clarify that? Not judging just trying to get the whole picture. At any rate, she was not justified in what she did to you.

 

Your wife never thought about the financial outcome of her having an affair and not being able to pay her rent? But you are.

 

You can get a roommate to help supplement the mortgage if you feel that you cannot pay it all yourself.

 

Women do not love nor stay faithful to men they do not respect. PERIOD.

You've exposed the affair- she needs to agree to certain steps in order to stay in the marriage. DO NOT let her run over you or she will not respect you.

 

Women engaged in an affair do not usually have their heads about them to be a good mother- protect your child at all costs.

 

Again, women do not love or stay faithful to men they do not respect.

[Lion Heart]

Wes

 

Mr Blunt's post #39 is one you could copy or print for every time you feel low. I understand this is ALL the time more or less now.

 

I'm deeply sorry for your pain.

 

Your D Day was SO recent. Don't beat yourself up! You are doing your best in this situation. Facing the reality of practical things. The CONSEQUENCES of the A is trickling down for you. Because you can see where this is leading on one path.

 

Wes it's been 22 months since my D Day.

I went through things in a similar fashion to you BUT I WAS ANGRIER and more cognizant of the effects immediately. Within 30 minutes through my shoulders convulsing, I KNEW that we'd lose our home within a short time.

 

I was SO SCARED of raising 3 teenagers by myself.

Then it just got worse and worse.

He demanded 50/50 child access. Screamed it at us all.

The children were terrified. He's an extremely irresponsible parent. Etc.

 

THEN as more and more CLARITY became mine.

More INFORMATION about his sexually Wayward behaviours were disclosed. More than that even....

I KNEW in the seat of my soul.

 

I was DONE.

 

I was an emotional MESS for the longest time!

BUT SIMULTANEOUSLY I DID put many "separation" type actions and structures into place.

 

I did this RATIONALLY and swiftly as I could cope.

 

ONE THING I READ HERE struck a chord within me which I was NOT doing (and still struggle to do!)

LOOK AFTER MYSELF!!!

 

WES, EVEN IF WW STAYS IN THE HOUSE, (as WH did here too most nights! Omg he was ALL OVER THE PLACE worse than I was!), START ORGANIZING YOUR HOME the way YOU want it.

 

Everyone has their breaking point.

Go easy on yourself ALL THE TIME.

It'll come.

You start wondering wtf happened to that strong man who would never stand for this??

He's in there, slowly rising.

 

DEFINITELY get THAT DISGUSTING BED out of YOUR room. Plenty of people have burnt the bed lol. Get someone to help you change those rooms around and PUT A LOCK ON YOUR DOOR. I did this.

 

Eventually you'll face your fears.

Fear is paralyzing.

It paralyzed me until..... I could no longer STAND his disgusting face in front of me.

 

I WAS WILLING to lose the family home. I thought I'd lost it on D Day. But I refused to pay the mortgages at all whilst he still lived here. This put the PRESSURE on WH and gave me financial freedom of kinds UNTIL he left.

 

Ok until I managed to kick his lying butt out.

 

Now?? You wouldn't believe it because NONE of the sums work out. It's a bit like Jesus with the few loaves of bread and fish on the shore of 1000s lol.

 

IT IS WORKING OUT here!

 

Please read up on dealing with your fear after separation, infidelity and divorce.

 

FEAR WAS WHAT MY TRIGGERS were all about.

I can feel the rumblings of triggers in my body happen now.

Then ask myself "What are you AFRAID of LH?" I follow those thought trails right to the end, then REALIZE I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.

 

Well done on trying to save your M and family from complete destruction Wes. This is a noble act.

Understand that the destruction is ALL ON HER NOW.

 

RECONSTRUCT your new life with your little girl.

Whether WW is there or not!

 

Start treating WW as though she is invisible.

She may as well be at this point.

 

You can structure IN HOUSE child care (as I did).

Do the "every 2nd weekend" thing in house too!! I did.

WH HATED it. I didn't care.

 

THIS is only the BEGINNING of what it feels like to be separated and DIVORCED.

 

GIVE WW a taste of it.

 

I DEFINITELY began separating ALL accounts and all payments for things RIGHT DOWN THE LINE.

It helps ALOT if / when WW leaves.

 

The last thing I want to congratulate you on is EXPOSING the A to OMs BW.

It is telling that you felt indifferent about that action.

Congratulations.

The very least BW gets is the SAME opportunity as YOU have now. A complete STD test. The truth. She deserves that.

 

If you ever DO get a complete timeline of the A, forward this to her. You may never get it. I realized 9 months after my D Day that I'll NEVER have all the details.

 

By that stage, it simply didn't matter any more.

I was done.

 

NOW WH has WANTED to sit and talk.

I refuse to let him.

NOW WH wants to "heal our relationship" with bodily contact which apparently "will feel really good for both of us".

No. Wrong. 3 metres WH.

ATM I refuse to be in his personal presence ANYWHERE.

 

When he gets all emotional and talks about his feelings.

I reply, "I'm simply not interested. If you need to talk, get a counsellor. Speak to your family. I'm not your family any more".

 

I have more regard for a stranger in the street. The freedom is TRULY LIBERATING. You'll get there.

I'm 22 months post D Day.

 

Love your work Wes!

Go work out! Lol.

You got this.

Keep posting .

 

Lion Heart

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position. Your wife has betrayed you and cut you to the quick, so the first thing you have to do is stop the bleeding. I know you want to forgive and repair the relationship, but you can’t forgive her while she is still cheating. Forgiveness has to start with the other offending parting being contrite and she is nowhere near that point right now. I highly recommend that you start the 180 to gain control of your life and add some sense of normalcy for you and your daughter. If you two are doing counseling, fine but that should be the extent of your contact with her, she is still engaged with OM.

 

I believe that most relationships can be fixed if both parties work hard to fix the problem, but it must start with her being willing to do the heavy lifting necessary to pull this relationship out of the ditch. I can tell you through experience that you can’t do it by yourself, it is an exercise in futility. Start doing more things with just you and your daughter, I think both of you could use the distraction. Additionally, starting an exercise program can help with the stress and be good for your health, look to invest time in a hobby you have ignored or start one you have always wanted to try. Get to busy with your life that you don’t have time to concentrate on her. She will come around or not, chasing her will just drive her farther away. Best of luck to you and your family.