Should I ask for a Divorce ?

[VeveCakes]

I don't know what has been holding me back. The divorce process is daunting and I don't even know where to begin. Also I have gotten complacent its easier at this point to keep living like this. I have mentioned that I wanted a divorce and my family was 100% in agreement with me.

 

Mostly I am not a confrontational person by nature. I do not know how to go about telling him everything with out him getting violent.

 

It's actually not that daunting at all...whats keeping you around? Finances? Can you afford to live on your own? Then just move out...

[redtail]

Divorce can be psychologically daunting, but many people do it every day. The hardest part is getting your head around the fact that your marriage isn't what you thought it should be when you got married, because whether you realize it or not, it's already over.

 

Just take the first step, get a lawyer and they'll help you take it from there. While your husband may be pissed, he has to know that there's nothing there and in long run, it will be better for both of you. A year from now, you'll look back and wonder why you hesitated.

 

Best of luck.

[oldshirt]

 

You seem to have a lot of inaccurate and false assumptions about divorce that are holding you back. that is why we are all urging you to see a divorce attorney so that you can gather all the actual facts about how a divorce process actually takes place.

 

I'm getting the impression that to divorce him that you have to announce your intentions beforehand and have a series if bitter fights where you have to convince him that he is a bad husband and that you should divorce and that you have to divulge all of your transgressions.

 

I think you also think that you have to beat him down to the point that you convince him to divorce and that he has to agree to it it and work collaboratively towards it.

 

None of that is true at all. You don't have to announce it or state your intentions beforehand.

 

You don't have to fight about it or convince him you are right.

 

You don't need his buy-in or cooperation or assistance.

 

You can meet on the down low with your attorney and get all your ducks in a row without his foreknowledge or consent.

 

You can arrange for safe harbor with with friends/relatives at an undisclosed location.

 

And you can arrange for them to help you haul away all your stuff while he is out drunk and stoned.

 

When you file with the court, the court will have the papers served to him via a 3rd party process server. You will not need to have any face to face contact with him at all.

 

All other matters can be done through your respective attorneys.

[eightytwenty]

Is divorce going to be hard because he supports you? Or you wanting for the OG to take you in to then leave your husband?

[linaK1987]

@eightytwenty - I make a six figure salary on my own. My husband does not financially support me. I will be just fine supporting myself and my lifestyle will not suffer. The OG has asked if we could move in together after the divorce. I will not allow him to move in.

 

@oldshirt - Thank you for providing me this information. I was not aware that it could be such a hands off process. Im trying to be civil and do this as cost effectively as possible. I would like to go the mediation rout not the attorney rout.

 

@Friskyone4u - We have a lot of history together. We did have some good times together. I do believe that underneath everything he can be a good person.

 

Update: Last night i sat him down and let him know that I will be meeting with a mediator on Monday to draft a contract to divide our assets. He did not act shocked or surprised that I was looking for a divorce. He acknowledge that he has not been a good husband to me and that he could have done better.

 

I have decided not to disclose my infidelities.

[notbroken]

So instead of disclosing your infidelities you are just going to leave him thinking it is all his fault?

 

Honestly, your husband has some serious issues and you probably should divorce. You also have some serious issues that helped lead to this. Do yourself (and the men you date) a favor and get some counselling and/or take a good hard look at yourself or this is likely to be the first of many divorces for you. Learn from this. Be a better person. Stop cheating. Stop making excuses.

[oldshirt]

The nondisclosure of the affair is going to ruffle some feathers here because many of the people on this forum are BS's themselves.

 

While I do not condone adultery, I see her affair in this situation as a big red herring that has no bearing on anything.

 

I also do not see any value or benefit to either of them for her to disclose the affair. I don't think any good can come from disclosing it, nor do I see any harm in not disclosing it.

 

These two never should have gotten married and there is a good chance that neither of them are even marriage material.

 

Even if there was no affair, even if there was no OM, this marriage would still be a train wreck and would still be in both of their better interests to dissolve it.

 

All I can see coming from her disclosure of the affair is another layer of animosity and mud-flinging.

 

The chances are he has been banging druggie chicks all along as well.

 

There is no good guy and no victim in this.

 

While we may all feel better by shaking a finger at the adulteress and saying, "no, no, no!" The truth is it is in everyone's best interests that this marriage be dissolved and each person move on with their own life as quickly, smoothly and efficiently as possible whilst minimizing the chaos and drama and animosity as much as possible during that process.

[Friskyone4u]

Lina,

 

Well, that was the right thing to do, and it appears that he either expected it and/or is not that devastated by it. My guess is when you asked multiple times for an open marriage and he did not change his behavior that either he did not care or would rather be single himself. DJ ing till early morning hours on weeks ends my guess is he has not been behaving like a monk in a monestary himself, especially since you asking for open marriage is a pretty clear sign of what you wanted to be able to do.

 

If he is not all broken up and trying to reconcile, not telling him is probably OK. He will probably find out who your OM is pretty soon anyway on social media.

 

Doesn't sound like the OM was the cause of this anyway. If it was not this OM it would have been others.

 

The way you did it sure beats him finding out and throwing you around tghe house in a rage, doesn't it???

[linaK1987]

@oldshirt - I completely agree with everything you said in your post. We should have never got married. Telling him about my OM is pointless and I do not see how anyone not even him gains anything from it. Im just trying to make this process go as smoothly as possible so we can both get on with our lives and better ourselves.

 

@Friskyone4u -

 

- My OM is not the cause of this breakup. This breakup would have happened if he was not in my life. I had been contemplating a breakup for years before he came along.

 

- I do not have social media. My husband and OM are not from the same town. They are not the same age and they do not have any mutual friends. I don't see how he will find out about him.

 

- his violence has never really been physical toward me. He will punch walls, scream or break things. The worst he has ever done was shove me and that happened when he was VERY drunk. Last night he was only 2 Jameson on the rocks deep so he was more level headed.

[Fairyoflove]

Hi. I see substance abuse and verbal abuse, which means, you are in a karmic/abusive relationship. You attracted each other because you have an unresolved issue from a past life. He changed because he is afraid to be left alone. But abuse can happen again anytime if something is triggered.

 

Do whatever feels right for you to do because you are the one walking your path. Your soul already knows everything. Your intuition will lead you to the next path. Good luck!