International LDR

[Jessc]

Hi, everyone! I'm new here and have recently been struggling in my relationship. I'm sorry if this gets to be a long post. I met my boyfriend a year ago on an app, just wanting to chat and nothing else. We ended up falling for one another and have been together since. I will soon be 23 and he is 27, he is from Morocco and I'm in Indiana. We've had a rocky relationship and argued quite a bit in the middle of the relationship, it was about me telling my family about him. He told everyone in his family and even let me meet his sister and mom one day when we were Skyping. I've even have had conversations with his brother's wife (they live in Canada, his brother's wife had an LDR with her husband also) about visiting. So, our relationship is a serious one.

 

Anyway, At the beginning of this summer, my boyfriend asked when I would be coming to visit... I told him I needed to figure out how much I would be paying for my summer courses (graduating this spring, woot.) And after I paid for my courses, I most definitely had no money to be traveling. I told him and he said that his brother in Canada, including his family in Morocco would be willing to pay for my plane ticket. As much as I wanted to say yes a thousand times, I told him I wanted to pay for it (and since I had classes) because if his family had any financial hardships after paying for me to be there, it would be my fault. I ended up not going. After I told him, he immediately stopped talking to me. For two months.

 

He recently contacted me a couple of weeks ago and explained he needed to have space because he had his heart set on me coming there this summer. He told his family and friends that I would be coming. So, it was an enormous let down for him. He explained to me how much he missed me, but how hurt I made him. After all this time, he told me he lost his job and that his phone was totally broken. He uses his brother's phone to talk to me now and then once he can buy a phone. Not being able to talk to him regularly sucks and now when I am able to talk to him, he seems very detached... not saying he misses me or says he loves me back. I don't know if he's just depressed since he isn't working, or what. He's hard working and he has very traditional Moroccan/Muslim views, so not being able to work and provide for himself and help his elderly mom, is terrible to him. He told me that he's lost everything and that he has nothing in life. I ensured him that not having a job right now feels bad, but it doesn't make him worthless. Things do get better.

 

I just hope that him being detached is from having a bad time with finding a job and not because of me. I keep letting him know that he is loved dearly, missed so much, and that once I graduate that I'm planning on visiting.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you are wasting your time.

 

If I understand correctly, you have never met in person. And he disappeared for 2 months. Generally speaking, a man who cares about you doesn't go MIA. Sure, he was disappointed but refusing to speak to you for 2 months? That's an over-reaction. That should be a big clue here. If his family was able to pay for your plane ticket - why didn't he accept their offer, look into coming to see you instead?

 

What would be the end goal, here? You move to Morocco? He moves to the US? It's so very hard to know how you will actually get along unless and until you spend time together in person. You are also dealing with significant cultural differences. If he is a very traditional Muslim man, what is he doing online chatting up American women? (I am under the assumption you are not Muslim yourself, but correct me if I am wrong) This suggests he's not all that traditional, which of course isn't a bad thing - it just doesn't really line up with your description of him. If he is traditional, he isn't likely to have a serious relationship with a non-Muslim woman. I point this out not to start a debate on religion, but rather to call his intentions with you into question.

 

I would take a big step back and ask yourself what the viability of this relationship really is. He appears to be losing interest.

[Jessc]

Thank you for the reply. I feel like I misspoke on being traditional, in that sense I meant that some of his views are traditional... and I've talked to him about the fact of me not being Muslim. And he said it's not an issue. So, that part isn't an issue at all.

 

And that's how I felt about his disappearing for the two months, he never blocked me anywhere. When we talked after the two months, he explained that he needed the space and then told me how much he missed and loved me. I'm really afraid of him losing interest based on how he was with me yesterday night, being detached and all. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way just based upon last night. Adding to the communication problems is the fact that he doesn't have his own phone yet and lack of Internet on his end. I want to say that he's just still upset about not having a job, he gets upset when I ask. I'm planning on asking him what's actually going on and if he still sees something with me, because he was planning on moving here once we met up for awhile (all deter on if we get along and all.)

I really don't want to let it go because I truly do love him... I want to hope he's just in a rut.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Jessc

[lazcas]

He stopped talking to you for two months because you didn't do what he wanted you to do. That should show you something. Instead of talking about it and come to an agreement together he chose to cut you off, that is people is supposed to treat someone they love.

 

You need to reflect throughly about the relationship and decide if that is really the relationship you want to have and if the man is really someone you would want to be with in a long term.

Edited September 13, 2016 by lazcas

[Gloria25]

He stopped talking to you for two months because you didn't do what he wanted you to do. That should show you something. Instead of talking about it and come to an agreement together he chose to cut you off, that is people is supposed to treat someone they love.

 

You need to reflect throughly about the relationship and decide if that is really the relationship you want to have and if the man is really someone you would want to be with in a long term.

 

Agreed...

 

Someone who shuts you out causes pause cuz you worry that when/if in the future they will pull another disappearing act.

 

My recent 26yr old dude. I'm on both sides. I kinda can see where he probably had so much going on and probably didn't wanna even discuss it with me or anyone. I mean, I've been dealing with a lot of crap for the past few years and it embarasses me, so I won't raise it with someone I'm seeing unless it's necessary (ie to address my mood swings and/or lack of availability).

 

But still, I wish he would've just come clean with me.

 

It's worst when there's silence...especially if you suspect what's going on. Honesty may suck, but it's better to give that person clarity instead of allowing them to wonder WTH/WTF?

 

My 42yr old FWB was upfront all the way. He told me he was married, he told me when wife tried to start getting intimate with him (cuz she probably suspected that he was straying for goos), when he decided to see another woman besides me, and, when he decided to divorce and remain single afterwards. Each thing did sorta sting, but I had clarity. I knew where I stood with him. I didn't sit around wondering what's going on, is he back with the ex...is another woman catching his eye...is he not divorcing cuz of finances or is it a lie...

 

When people are open and upfront it kills anxiety cuz you know that person is gonna keep you in the loop so you know where you stand.

 

I don't know, I've been considering seeing other guys, but still miss 26yr old dude. I feel stuck cuz he hasn't blocked me and is still in a transitional period in his life, but the silence makes me feel that I'd be a fool to stop living in hopes he comes around. It hasn't been too long since he ended it, but how it happened makes me wonder if I really wanna go back to all the drama with him. I believe that I even told him that something that's supposed to be casual and fun shouldn't require so much work.

 

So, it's great sex, chemistry, attraction and a Caucasian guy who is open to dating women of my culture (which is hard to find in my area) .....or, back to anxiety, insecurity, and drama with just trying to set a date to be with him

 

In your case it's up to you, if you decide to let him back in, he has to earn your trust again big time. He literally would be on probation, cuz he messed-up and should prove himself worthy to be trusted again....

 

Well wishes...

[angel.eyes]

Yikes, so many red flags!

 

They were going to transfer money to you so that you could come to Morocco. Now he has all these financial difficulties. If he were so eager to see you, why didn't he just come to visit you in the US. Instead, he disappeared for two months to get some space from you? The guy coming to visit you first is pretty standard in a legitimate LDR.

 

Most importantly, you aren't in love with him. You've never even met!!! You're in love with a fantasy that you've built based on the image he's presented to you.

 

You're uninformed, at best, if you believe a traditional Muslim man (and his family) would not care about him having a serious relationship with a non-Muslim Western woman. A fling? Sure. Something serious? Unfortunately, many hold less than savory views of Western women who are non-believers.

 

Consider the most recent developments a blessing in disguise. For goodness sake, you're in school. Go find a local boy to date and fall in love with. Stop setting yourself up to be deceived, scammed, or worse.

Edited September 13, 2016 by angel.eyes

[Jessc]

Thank you all for the replies, I appreciate it.

 

I'm going to just cut him out and have time for myself. I've realized that being involved in all of this was stupid on my part and that a long distance relationship just isn't for me. And honestly, concerning the reply about being in love with some fantasy, you are right. As much as it hurts to say. I felt deep down in myself that what I feel is love. Also, I'm not an idiot concerning how traditional Muslims view things. I understand that western women are viewed negatively and I know that a traditional Muslim man will not be interested in someone like me because I'm not Muslim, etc. I don't live in a bubble.

 

Even if I haven't met him before, it's an emotional connection, if that makes any sense to anyone. Again, sorry if this post wasted anyone's time.

Thanks again for the advice.

[Gloria25]

Thank you all for the replies, I appreciate it.

 

I'm going to just cut him out and have time for myself. I've realized that being involved in all of this was stupid on my part and that a long distance relationship just isn't for me. And honestly, concerning the reply about being in love with some fantasy, you are right. As much as it hurts to say. I felt deep down in myself that what I feel is love. Also, I'm not an idiot concerning how traditional Muslims view things. I understand that western women are viewed negatively and I know that a traditional Muslim man will not be interested in someone like me because I'm not Muslim, etc. I don't live in a bubble.

 

Even if I haven't met him before, it's an emotional connection, if that makes any sense to anyone. Again, sorry if this post wasted anyone's time.

Thanks again for the advice.

 

You didn't waste our time...we're here for ya

 

About the emotional connection? Sorry, but that's not ever gonna develop without being in the same zip code.

 

On phone, video, anything except in person of course someone can be whatever you want them to be.

 

I saw a movie with douche Damon and Angelina Jolie. It was supposed to be about some CIA guy. That guy was as dry as sandpaper. Gosh, the sex scene where he knocked her up was awful too. Anywho, he was away overseas for the longest and although they kept in touch, they were literally like strangers when he came back home. They literally had to try to develop feelings for each other and simply learn to live under the same roof.

 

A lot of people I know in the military go through the same. It's hard to be connected with someone who you haven't even been around in person. Anything otherwise is just limerence.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Gloria25

[angel.eyes]

You didn't waste our time. Everyone is here to provide advice. Feel free to post whenever you have questions or concerns. That's precisely why the forum exists!

 

To be clear, I wasn't minimizing the depth of what you feel. I was just trying to help you see that the person you think you love, and the reality were likely very different since you had never even met. In the midst of the situation, it can be hard to recognize red flags, etc. Those things are often crystal clear to outsiders who aren't emotionally invested in the person or situation.

 

At any rate, you're in school. One of the best places to look for a boyfriend will be at school--everyone is in the right age range, it's much easier to meet and date in-person, you meet lots of different people in class, the dorms, various groups, teams, and clubs you might belong to, etc.

[Jessc]

Thank you both and I apologize if I replied a bit... hostile? I felt like feelings were being sort of "swept under the rug" and weren't being taken into consideration-I'm generally not the type to be open about my feelings.

I have always had a hard time with dating. Like, no matter who it is, it all just ends badly. That's kind of how I just turned to casually talking on apps and met him.

 

I understand that meeting and being in person is key. Not thaaat crazy. I've been in a previous LDR (swore I would never do it again), we ended up meeting, and ended up cheating on me two years after. Along with that, I know how important meeting is. I know it sounds crazy to most having an International LDR, but I wasn't expecting to have had such strong feelings for him.

 

But, I've realized that I need to sit down and just reevaluate the whole situation.

[angel.eyes]

There is nothing inherently wrong with an international LDR, but there were lots of things that were problematic about yours. I'm so glad you opted to end it before you got hurt.

 

As far as dating, just be patient. Stay positive and keep looking. Yes, it's frustrating. So many toads before you meet the right guy! It's a process we all pass through.

[Lion Heart]

Thank you both and I apologize if I replied a bit... hostile? I felt like feelings were being sort of "swept under the rug" and weren't being taken into consideration-I'm generally not the type to be open about my feelings.

I have always had a hard time with dating. Like, no matter who it is, it all just ends badly. That's kind of how I just turned to casually talking on apps and met him.

 

I understand that meeting and being in person is key. Not thaaat crazy. I've been in a previous LDR (swore I would never do it again), we ended up meeting, and ended up cheating on me two years after. Along with that, I know how important meeting is. I know it sounds crazy to most having an International LDR, but I wasn't expecting to have had such strong feelings for him.

 

But, I've realized that I need to sit down and just reevaluate the whole situation.

 

Hi Jessc

 

I really understand how you feel. I'm in an international LDR but, ofcourse, things are different for me. Every relationship is "different". I could go into the details of ours, if you want to know but I'm more than happy to focus on your plight of a young woman in love and struggling with an ILDR (did we make up another acronym?).

 

There is NOTHING wrong with having an ILDR or any relationship. People saying "oh it's better you meet a local guy" is just easily spurted advice that is NOT what you need to hear right now.

 

The previous advice has been taken politely by you. I think you must be a very lovely person. When we put ourselves "out there" by posting a thread, we ask, we can skim past what's not useful to us.

 

You're a sensible girl who's fallen for this guy and continued a relationship so there ARE common grounds for you both. The 2 month silence must have hurt you alot and now him being detached.

 

He's struggling with this distance too.

 

I feel for you both.

 

Ofcourse you need to meet! You know that. You are very SENSIBLE to have followed YOUR instincts and turned the offer down even though it caused you pain.

 

COULD IT be waaaaaay better for HIM to travel to stay at his relatives near you? On your more common ground. You may have a relative or friend's house to stay at nearby too.

 

I'm saying "relatives" and staying with THEM for 2 reasons.

1) your protection.

2) your opportunity to get a "sense" of his family IRL.

 

Ofcourse he'd be so frustrated (moreso as a man, no sexist view meant) now moreso because he's lost his job. Ugh. Alot for a guy to deal with.

 

IMO the important fact that I'M CERTAIN you're fully aware of, is the cultural differences. Not only religious. Cultural. Many women in Australia (where I live) have married Muslim men and been VERY happy. I've watched so much about this. There are groups to join and there is not only real possibilities this can work, if he IS an amazing guy and DOES love you very much, you can do this. Love is a huge motivator.

 

You can put THIS to him.

HE take the opportunity to fly out.

YOU stay nearby TO MEET him.

ONE DAY. Book that date in for both of you.

Have this to look forward to.

Something IRL to hold on to.

 

I was concerned that I wouldn't like what my guy smelt like lol. That his skin would smell not right. His kisses would not be right. Or all those little things you can EXPERIENCE very soon IRL. That maybe I'd feel IDK "not safe" or something.

 

But it took a VERY powerful sense of trust and love for me to fly out to be with him in the first place. From him and me. He'd made our relationship exclusive and I felt an incredible motivation to meet him asap. Just to find out one way or the other. I've been with him for 6 weeks IRL in our exclusive relationship of 9 months.

 

It's the best relationship I've ever been in. I'm way older than you lol, so that says alot.

 

We are planning our future together. He's my best friend.

 

So what would YOU like to happen now?

 

Lion Heart