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Has anyone ever used NC on a short term relationship with success?

piranha

By piranha
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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piranha Member

piranha

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I dated a guy for about two months and we really fell for each other. Unfortunately, without going into too much detail, it was too much too soon and we burned the candle at both ends. Both of us care about one another, but communication broke down near the end as we both made stands of independance as we became more and more clausterphobic, and pushed the other away. It really was too intense to last.

 

He came to get the rest of his things and we haven't spoken since, although our last meet ended well and he pretty much left the door open. I think we're both saddened by how quickly everything deteriorated when it started out so well, and we're both older (early 30s) so we're more hesitant to just 'throw it away' because of too much enthusiasm. It's important to note he's still hurting from his past relationship of three years ago and is still very hesitant about getting hurt again.

 

My question is, has no contact worked for anyone here in a short term relationship? It's been day 10 already and so far I feel like I'm a) in more control of my emotions and b) feel like I'm better able to see what went wrong.

 

Any recommendations on what do to after breaking NC? Has this worked for anyone? Thanks!

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

Posted
Posted
I dated a guy for about two months and we really fell for each other. Unfortunately, without going into too much detail, it was too much too soon and we burned the candle at both ends. Both of us care about one another, but communication broke down near the end as we both made stands of independance as we became more and more clausterphobic, and pushed the other away. It really was too intense to last.

 

He came to get the rest of his things and we haven't spoken since, although our last meet ended well and he pretty much left the door open. I think we're both saddened by how quickly everything deteriorated when it started out so well, and we're both older (early 30s) so we're more hesitant to just 'throw it away' because of too much enthusiasm. It's important to note he's still hurting from his past relationship of three years ago and is still very hesitant about getting hurt again.

 

My question is, has no contact worked for anyone here in a short term relationship? It's been day 10 already and so far I feel like I'm a) in more control of my emotions and b) feel like I'm better able to see what went wrong.

 

Any recommendations on what do to after breaking NC? Has this worked for anyone? Thanks!

 

Part is bold is a major red flag. After three years, he should not still be so guarded. That suggests he hasn't really processed everything and allowed himself to heal.

 

He needs to take care of that to ever have a long-lasting and meaningful relationship. Otherwise he will continue a pattern of bailing out relationships after a couple of months.

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piranha Member

piranha

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I agree with you. He wanted to marry her but she did not feel the same way. He's been seeking monthly counseling for it since. When we broke up he had a session the next day, and said he stayed for 2 hours instead of one because he broke down crying, and when I saw him the following Sunday, he sat with me and held my hand and said 'I don't want to hurt anymore' but also said he didn't feel like he could offer anyone a relationship at this point in his life and that he was sorry.

 

I'm not trying to game him, and I went NC for myself as I was starting to feel myself getting too wrapped up in his pain to the point it was affecting my life. I think he's so close to healing and I want to be there for him without losing myself. I'm very torn as to whether or not I should give him all the space in the world and hope for the best, or try to go very slow and tell him that I'm there for him and I don't mind.

 

I have to see him again soon when he picks up his mail and still very torn about how I should handle it. I can honestly see a future with him which is why I'm looking for advice.

marky00 Established Member

marky00

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I'm pretty much where your ex is so I may be able to help.

 

 

His biggest issue will be that genuinely feels that he can't put his whole heart into the relationship, at least not now. He's trying to get out there but every time he attempts to get into a new relationship, that creates triggers reminding him of his failed relationship.

 

 

There really isn't much you can do. That score is with his ex and forever will be.

 

 

You definitely do not want to crowd him. You also need to tone down your expectations truthfully (not just in a way to lure him back in and ramp things up later). He will be well aware of heartache and he will be monitoring how invested you are and if he feels you are getting too invested too fast, he will find that situation uncomfortable.

 

 

Its very weird but when you have had your heart-broken real bad, you have this 6th sense that all your going to do is break other hearts. He no doubt cares for you and definitely doesn't want to add to his pain by causing other heartbreaks.

 

 

So yes, in my opinion, you need to ask yourself if you can truthfully lower your expectations. If so, then you may still have some type of future. Lowering expectations doesn't mean backing off now but secretly your dreaming of marriage and kids.

Edited by marky00
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I

 

I have to see him again soon when he picks up his mail and still very torn about how I should handle it. I can honestly see a future with him which is why I'm looking for advice.

 

Were you guys living together?

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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I'm not trying to game him, and I went NC for myself as I was starting to feel myself getting too wrapped up in his pain to the point it was affecting my life. I think he's so close to healing and I want to be there for him without losing myself. I'm very torn as to whether or not I should give him all the space in the world and hope for the best, or try to go very slow and tell him that I'm there for him and I don't mind.

 

I have to see him again soon when he picks up his mail and still very torn about how I should handle it. I can honestly see a future with him which is why I'm looking for advice.

 

Just be your usual self.

 

Don't over think it.

 

He has issues, its nothing to do with you. Let him sort them out and when he has if you are still around then see what happens but do not wait for him.

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piranha Member

piranha

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Thanks for all the responses guys, it's so nice to have outside opinions. And yes, we were living together.

 

I agree, he does have a lot of wounds that run very deep. I told him once 'I feel the closer I get to you, the more you push me away' and he said 'you hit the nail on the head.' It's something him and his therapist have talked about, and something he's aware of and is trying to work on.

 

I definitely never have brought up marriage or kids, although he joked once at the beginning when we were just friends that we should get married in 5 years if we haven't found anyone yet because we got along so well and were always laughing. Would I like to get married one day? Sure. To him? Well, it seems like an impossible thought.

 

I don't mind going slow if that's what it takes. Hard to explain why I care about the bugger so much, but I do. This NC is definitely helping me re-center myself, but I miss him and I look forward to seeing him when he comes to pick up his mail.

Ady1974 Member

Ady1974

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I am coming out of a similar situation Piranha.

 

I dated a girl for 6 weeks and everything was going well and she ended things with me out of the blue. She said she doesn't feel the spark anymore.

 

I went NC after that and tomorrow is day 31 for me. So yes NC does help after a short term relationship. I fell in love with the girl, it was hard and fast for me. I too am feeling better and more in control of my emotions and myself. I have learnt so much more than i expected to. Expect good days and bad days.

 

I missed her like crazy today and the urge to reach out was very strong, but the day has ended and i can tick it off as another NC day. Tomorrow i will fight it again.

 

So stick to NC, it will get better. I wouldn't try get back together with your ex after breaking NC. Waite until you feel indifferent toward him and then see how you feel. You may not even want him back.

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piranha Member

piranha

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I guess I just feel like it's not over. Or it shouldn't be over.

 

It's been 13 days NC. I definitely feel more emotionally balanced. However, I still miss him. Not having someone, not a relationship, but just him as a person.

 

When I asked him two move out three Sundays ago, it was awful. We were angry, we weren't communicating well, and moving out seemed drastic but necessary. When I saw him two Sundays ago, even though we were 'broken up' (at least I would assume so after moving out), he said 'this is the longest we haven't talked for' as if we were still 'on.'

 

There's feelings on both sides still. He's just afraid of intimacy because of his ex. I'm very much struggling with just 'writing him off' because I care about him and his well-being.

 

You're right, I might not want to be with him after a longer period of NC. We certainly would have some things to go over before trying again (especially concerning communication). That's why I don't think this NC is necessarily a bad thing for any reason-- it's giving me a lot of non-emotionally charged reflection and clarity concerning what went wrong.

 

I'm taking into account what everyone is saying-- I guess I was just hoping I could be a part of his healing process, but it sounds like that's something he might have to do on his own without me in the picture.

DarrenB Established Member

DarrenB

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I wouldn't even consider short-term relationships worth the breaking of NC

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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It's tough going through those roller coasters of emotions the first month post break up. You're breaking a habit and w/each passing day, it gets easier and easier.

 

You need to stick to your gut here. You came to a conclusion that it wasn't working and ended it. Stick to your guns as getting back together would have the same results and I think you know that.

 

Ride it out and stop worrying about him. Once a R/S ends, you have no obligation to them nor worries. He's a big boy and will be fine. Worry about yourself, getting over it and moving onto someone you can connect and get along with.

 

Life's WAY too short to stay in a unhealthy R/S. They are suppose to bring pleasure, happiness and fulfillment to our lives. Far to often, we settle for a R/S that brings none of those things.

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Ady1974 Member

Ady1974

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Wow it is tough. I know how you feel, but i also know that giving in and breaking NC will make you feel even worse. You keep hearing people tell you the same things here. 1, because they have been through it and 2, because it is true.

 

I wanted to reach out again yesterday, but you have to fight it for your own sanity. You also can't help someone else heal, they have to do that and they have to make that decision.

 

You have been in a relationship. You know it can't be all one sided. If your partner isn't into the fight to make it work beside you, you have already lost.

 

I still feel like i want to reach a point of indifference and try get her back, but as time passes i'm realising this may be foolish. I'm sure these feelings too will pass.

 

Hang in there and be strong for YOU. Know that you aren't walking this path alone, alot of us are. Just at different phases.

sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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As fellow member Satu very wisely states in her journal on here:

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if that appeals to you.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

Edited by sooshi
italicized Satu's words :)
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