JD916 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Ok...here goes nothing. Sorry if this is lengthy. I need some serious advice. This is a doozy. A little background: My ex fiancee left me 4 months ago. She's 30, I'm 29. We've been together for nearly 14 years, since high school. Over the last few years we grew apart due to my anxiety/stress level causing me to withdraw. We had several close-calls/discussions and she repeatedly gave me chances to stop neglecting her. However, I continued my bad habits and she finally left me back in May. I begged and pleaded. A month later she takes a 20-year-old coworker to a family member's wedding and tries to play it off as just friends. Then I see pictures of them together at a beach.... I continue to beg and plead, not giving her space as she requested. I know, I know....The charades continue until a couple weeks ago when I find out she had been seeing the coworker for some time during this breakup. However, she has now told me that the coworker is talking to another girl and she (my ex) even encouraged it. She says they are still good friends. Now my ex is offering friendship. We've agreed to actually take some time apart since I haven't given her space the entire 4 months. She says she's ok with taking a couple months, then being friends. She says "I honestly don't see you in that way, but maybe over time I can. Like I said, I'm making no promises." Here's what I take from it: She likes the other guy and wants to pursue something with him. If that doesn't work out, she has me on the backburner. OR, she's just trying to gradually let me down so she doesn't feel so guilty. What should I do? I obviously want her back. If anyone would like more details, I can provide them.
preraph Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 She's moved on. She knows you haven't, but she's not wise enough to know letting you linger is going to cause trouble and also going to just prolong you moving on. This is why you should do as the above poster says and make your own decision to go no contact, so you can mourn and then move on. Otherwise, you are about to waste a bunch of years hanging on. It's rare high school couples stay together. At some point, they usually grow apart or one or both realize they haven't done any exploring and are afraid they'll always regret it. That is what she's going through now. She's finding out who she is unattached and seeing what all is out in this big old world. I suggest you do the same. You may reunite a time or two, but it's likely the divide will just grow and recriminations make you both bitter if you continue like this.
wow123 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 Stay far away. Give her tons of space. She's exploring now since she never had the opportunity. She may come back to you, but she may not. Act as if she's not. I'm sorry your going thru this. Must me so hard. Feel better.
Author JD916 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 Just as an update....talked to a mutual friend who's been honest with me with whatever she finds out (I've known this mutual friend since birth...my ex has known her since HS). The mutual friend just told me my ex and the coworker are still together. For some reason my ex is keeping up the lies and it's killing me.
LD1990 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 She's keeping up the lies because she doesn't care about your feelings anymore. You may still adore your ex, but she has made it clear she doesn't feel the same for you. The odds of your ex falling for you again are about as good as your odds of winning the lottery. Ending the relationship and telling you that she doesn't see you that way anymore are both clear signs that her feelings for you are gone. NC is the way to go if you want to heal and move on with your life.
Author JD916 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Posted September 7, 2016 She's keeping up the lies because she doesn't care about your feelings anymore. You may still adore your ex, but she has made it clear she doesn't feel the same for you. The odds of your ex falling for you again are about as good as your odds of winning the lottery. Ending the relationship and telling you that she doesn't see you that way anymore are both clear signs that her feelings for you are gone. NC is the way to go if you want to heal and move on with your life. So she's enjoying doing this to me? Why not just be honest so I can move on? I know, it's up to ME to move on, but I don't understand the need to lie. Just be honest. It's like she isn't cutting the cord either.
LD1990 Posted September 7, 2016 Posted September 7, 2016 So she's enjoying doing this to me? Why not just be honest so I can move on? I know, it's up to ME to move on, but I don't understand the need to lie. Just be honest. It's like she isn't cutting the cord either. "She doesn't care" doesn't necessarily mean "she's enjoying watching you squirm." It just means that your feelings are the furthest thing from her mind. If she wants to keep you around as a backup plan or just to stroke her ego, she'll find what she thinks is the best way to do that - in this case, lying about her relationship status. Many people have wasted their time trying to understand their ex's words or actions. You'll be better off if you just accept that you're never going to know what's going on in her head.
Author JD916 Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 Now she says if I don't want to be friends with her, then she doesn't want any relationship at all and she'll change her number lol. She's trying to keep me as a backup.....our mutual friend says "obviously she has some reservations over cutting you off completely." Wtf.
wow123 Posted September 8, 2016 Posted September 8, 2016 Don't allow her to have so much power over you.
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