Questions for those OWs whose MM left BS for you

[daisygirl19]

Can those of you who "made it" or are in the process of, speak to the element of grieving and how you handled it or would have handled it differently? That is, if you both had marriages to end were you supportive of each other through it? Was there much waffling on either side before final decisions that made it difficult to be supportive? Did you give him space for the grieving/how long? Did you ever doubt, have jealousy or insecurity he was grieving his actual wife and not just the life that had been imagined? Are any of you with fMM whose wives initiated D? (My own situation is not one that I think will work out but generally interested in this aspect of the transition process for those who went through it.)

 

I really don't think there was much grieving for the other spouse in either of our circumstances. We had both completely checked out of our marriages years before even meeting one another.

 

Still, it was a rough road. I ended my marriage quickly, with almost no argument from my ex. His situation was much different. She refused to divorce, made my life hell (justifiably so) and drug out their divorce for over a year.

 

I never once doubted our future. I was never jealous. I never felt threatened, or worried he was wavering. He made me his priority from day one. He went to marriage counseling with her, to decide the best way to end their marriage. He never once pretended to try to save it. He had a timeline, longer than suited me, and that I didn't always like, but he stuck to it. And it turned out to be the right way.

 

We're an anomaly.

[Hummingbird17]

I had divorced a year prior so I had grieved my marriage. There was no Dday for us thankfully, but once he was done he didn't waffle. He made me the priority and I had no doubts or jealousy.

 

There were some rough times since he was so used to giving into her, and he struggled with not automatically doing that. But I stayed out of it and let him know she may tell him what to do, but she wasnt going to dictate my life.

[MJJean]

Can those of you who "made it" or are in the process of, speak to the element of grieving and how you handled it or would have handled it differently? That is, if you both had marriages to end were you supportive of each other through it? Was there much waffling on either side before final decisions that made it difficult to be supportive? Did you give him space for the grieving/how long? Did you ever doubt, have jealousy or insecurity he was grieving his actual wife and not just the life that had been imagined? Are any of you with fMM whose wives initiated D? (My own situation is not one that I think will work out but generally interested in this aspect of the transition process for those who went through it.)

 

My AP turned DH and I met when we were 24. I had been married for 5 years and had two daughters, aged 6 and 1 at the time. He was single and had no children.

 

We met in October of 1999 at a goth club, even though neither of us were goth. In December, he came to my house along with some other people from the club and some friends and neighbors for a party. A week later, he asked me on our first date. We went to the same goth club and, since everyone there knew us, we were basically public before our first kiss, which happened that night. Within a week or two, all of our friends and some of our family knew.

 

His friends told him I was a golddigger, that I would never leave my M, asked him WTH he was thinking, taking on a MW with 2 little kids at the age of 24, etc. My friends and family told me he was just in it for the sex, that he would never give up his single young life to take care of a woman and her children, that he would basically run so fast once I was free that there'd be burn marks on my carpet.

 

Jaunary 1, 2000, we became physical. By February, I'd ended my marriage and we officially became a couple.

 

We moved in together right away. In July 2000, we conceived our son. He was born April 2001. Due to finances, I couldn't file for divorce until July 2002 and the divorce was final at the end of October 2002. DH and I married the first week of December.

 

I didn't grieve the marriage as I had been checked out and begun having affairs many years before. The hard part for us was not allowing well meaning friend and family advice and/or warnings to make us feel doubt and insecurity. The hard part for him, personally, was adjusting to living with and raising children. That stuff was what we needed to support each other through. And we did.

[Ana-Iva]

Great to read all the success stories here. Normally, it would give me hope, but after my conversation with my MM last night, I realised he cannot leave his wife because divorce would leave him in financial ruins. In the UK it is pretty tough on men. So he did his calculations and decided he will rather enjoy his big house, expensive car, and financial comfort with a woman that he is with out of fear to stay poor, rather than be with a woman he is in love with... It is a sad story really. I always thought that where there is a will there is a way. But not this time it seems... I understand him, he is 56 and it is hard to make any changes to his status quo now.

[Got it]

We were both married and were in an affair for about a year. I left my marriage a few weeks after the affair started and he left after a year. We did have a dday, things were bumpy for a while, he moved at one point for work so we were long distance, but eventually married and have young baby together. We took it slow, didn't rush the kids on integrating, and just took our time. Things are good now and our baby was really the final catalyst for everyone to come together. We are on very good terms with my ex and hang out with him and his wife/kids, and are cordial with his ex wife. Everyone gets along fine and life as moved on.

 

I think we respected allowed the other person to do any grieving they needed to do. I don't feel like either one of us grieved the other person in particular but more for lost dreams and expectations. My husband grieved a lot for his kids. We both did individual therapy so that was were we would focus most of attention on our personal healing. While we were supportive of each other and our feelings, we were not each other's therapist. We were honest with each but also respectful of our relationship as well.

[LYC]

After the split, he spent time alone grieving his kids moving away. He had checked out of his marriage before it ended.

I was under the impression that since we had been through so much during the affair, it would be "normal" to be in a day-to-day relationship. I was wrong.

We eventually moved into his house.

That is difficult in itself. A house they picked together, surrounded by furniture they picked together. It is not easy.

I trust him. I feel like he was looking for love and ended up in an affair. I was looking for someone safe aka not available.

After some honesty and openness and coming to terms with things on my own, we got married almost two years after his split. Two way respect is so very important to the success of the relationship. Giving the benefit of the doubt is also extremely important. We are definitely happy.

His family is supportive because he was isolated from them and they know how happy he now is. Mine doesn't understand but they don't have to.