Abrupt ending to an intimate 2 year relationship; next?

[marky00]

Next time you speak to your ex's friend, say this and only this:

 

 

"hey, I'm doing great. Partying every night... life is sweet. I hope [your ex's name] is doing ok"

 

 

Anything else you say will be relayed back to your ex and work against you.

[LD1990]

I praised her and told her 'thanks for updating me on these things, i appreciate it, I just want her to be safe'.

 

She has now blocked me, for some unknown reason. Is this something maybe they spoke about?

 

Yeah, I'm sure they spoke about it, this is her best friend, and I think we've also honed in on the reason why your ex periodically unblocks you just to ask you to leave her alone.

 

I get that you're hurt, but you're acting ridiculous here. "I just want her to be safe" is a phrase that annoys a girl when her father says it, but it's about 50 times worse when an ex is saying it.

 

You need to start eating right, doing at least one physical activity every day, and for the love of the God I don't believe in, leave this damn girl and everyone she knows alone. No contact, and that includes on her birthday. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to speak with you anymore. Constantly finding people she knows to pump for information about her just shows that you don't respect her decision at all and makes you look like a stalker.

[DarrenB]

Yeah, I'm sure they spoke about it, this is her best friend, and I think we've also honed in on the reason why your ex periodically unblocks you just to ask you to leave her alone.

 

I get that you're hurt, but you're acting ridiculous here. "I just want her to be safe" is a phrase that annoys a girl when her father says it, but it's about 50 times worse when an ex is saying it.

 

You need to start eating right, doing at least one physical activity every day, and for the love of the God I don't believe in, leave this damn girl and everyone she knows alone. No contact, and that includes on her birthday. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to speak with you anymore. Constantly finding people she knows to pump for information about her just shows that you don't respect her decision at all and makes you look like a stalker.

 

I don't go to them to pester or retrieve 'information on her'. They simply come to me. I have all the evidence that even before hand, I were pestered by her and her family to just talk to her, so I did like any other civil human being would.

 

From then it's just been a spiralling problem with them accusing me of things, her friends telling her things, and it all comes back to revolving around me. I am the one trying to move on here, believe it or not. But there's a reason for atleast someone who knows her to get in touch with me one way another, whether that be to randomly tell me what she's doing, how I'm doing or insulting me. If you knew the entire situation, you would understand. But as you don't, I respectfully understand you not too.

 

This is my first genuine relationship, and that of 'love' which has consisted of trust, faith, motivation and whatever else you expect in a relatively healthy relationship. So I'm sorry if I act differently towards others who have experienced alot more than what I have.

 

But you must understand, I'm not the one trying to keep contact anymore since the first few days. And I'm certainly not at her door 24/7 with a sledgehammer in my hand asking for redemption.

 

Thanks for the reply though.

Edited September 9, 2016 by DarrenB

[DarrenB]

Next time you speak to your ex's friend, say this and only this:

 

 

"hey, I'm doing great. Partying every night... life is sweet. I hope [your ex's name] is doing ok"

 

 

Anything else you say will be relayed back to your ex and work against you.

 

I think I'd rather not keep contact with anyone anymore. For my own good as well as there's and for strict contact purposes I've had to get rid alot of my social media/networking to ensure that there is no way of me contacting them or them contacting me, ever.

 

I'm moving past it. I'm past the grief, hurt, pain, depression, sadness. I'm more onto anger and self-motivation.

 

I'm 18, and I wish I wasn't. If I could fast forward to 5-10 years from now, I would in a heartbeat. They say your younger to later teenage years are the best years of your life, but I'm definitely not one to agree with that.

 

Hope everything's going well for you mate.

[DarrenB]

Aye, lesson learnt. It's never good, it very rarely ends or goes how you want it to. They simply get in contact with you for their own closure and to know you're still the one grieving over them and that they're moving on with their lives happy as heck and you are not.

 

She contacts me about some tweets which were quotes, that I liked on my twitter page. Conversation proceeds. I know I should not have replied but I did after about an hour's worth of thinking. We spoke about the things that went wrong, nothing new. Same reasons why we ended, arguing, still.

 

She manipulates me all the time, especially lately. Coming out of the blue on random occasions to make me think about her again. We were about 15 days into NC again before this day. Now I feel angry again, I feel used, I feel ridiculed. Better yet, her brother AGAIN threatens me to not contact her. Even though she contacts me and goes behind the people that warn her not to. She still does, why? WHY.

 

I proceeded to get angry at the end of the argument or our 'conversation' and tell her to just leave me alone, that she is manipulative and is hurting me even more when I am trying to heal. I tell her to go away in definitely and to leave and to never return.

 

Moral of this story:

 

Do not break NC. It does nothing good for you, it just helps them on their 'road to recovery'. It will f*** you up in more ways than one. I only kept going as I thought initially going through the NC stage would help me getting her back. Now, I realise I do not want this girl back, she is not good for me.

 

Best of luck guys with your own situations. Don't cave in to demand or love. It doesn't exist. If they do not love you enough to fight for you, they are not worth your own precious love.

Edited September 15, 2016 by DarrenB

[DarrenB]

After countless, endless weeks of hurt, betrayal, abuse, threats, heartbreak, overthinking, pessimism I have now decided to remove myself entirely from social media and networking; anything that involves her, my friends, or hers I simply cannot be a part of.

 

Even taking time away, I still get people related to her feeding me information and endless propaganda about her. Whether it be on some type of message board, to calling me, texts or even face to face. I cannot bare it anymore. It's all too much for me.

 

If any of you are going through something similar, please do not make the multiple mistakes I have made. Save yourself the worry, the tears, the hurt. It's always nice to believe there is hope, however unfortunately quite alot of the time there never is.

 

I have been abandoned, I have been used, I have been ridiculed. This is not the first time, and I'm certain it will not be the last. Godspeed.

[Downtown]

Darren, was your bipolar-2 diagnosis made by a psychiatrist or, instead, a regular medical doctor? Why did he not prescribe a medication for you to take? I ask because, if you really do suffer from bipolar-2, you are at great risk when not on medication. As I mentioned above, bipolar-2 is different from bipolar-1 but is not necessarily less serious because the depression periods can be deadly. Nobody knows that better than you because you have already experienced suicidal ideation after your breakup with your jealous and insecure GF.

 

If you have bipolar-2, your psychiatrist very likely will prescribe a mood stabilizer in addition to an antidepressant because, absent the stabilizer, the antidepressant can push you too far in the other direction -- i.e., so far away from depression that you start experiencing strong mania.

[DarrenB]

Darren, was your bipolar-2 diagnosis made by a psychiatrist or, instead, a regular medical doctor? Why did he not prescribe a medication for you to take? I ask because, if you really do suffer from bipolar-2, you are at great risk when not on medication. As I mentioned above, bipolar-2 is different from bipolar-1 but is not necessarily less serious because the depression periods can be deadly. Nobody knows that better than you because you have already experienced suicidal ideation after your breakup with your jealous and insecure GF.

 

If you have bipolar-2, your psychiatrist very likely will prescribe a mood stabilizer in addition to an antidepressant because, absent the stabilizer, the antidepressant can push you too far in the other direction -- i.e., so far away from depression that you start experiencing strong mania.

 

It was deciphered by a medical doctor who specializes in the topic. He had multiple talks with me during my visits there (which become more rare as the visits and weeks progressed; 3 visits every 4 weeks, if that). During these visits and enlightening him on my situations, how I felt etc he assumed I had gotten better in a sense, however I was progressively worse. I believed this, therefore I denied help, counselling, support for months.

 

I've faced this, since my early teenage years and not once have I been prescribed or taken any medical prescriptions. I've simply just, dealt with it. 5+ years on, I have gotten severely worse and it pains and haunts me every waking, living minute I breathe. Somedays it's average enough to cope with, most days it's unbearable. The B/U with her, one of the only things that had kept me going, and the situation of how her and her family dealt with it, has decreased my chances 100% of 'getting better' or going through a process of succeeding past this. I have no clue how to deal with it, so whilst I angst myself about how to deal with it, this simply gets me through each day. But what am I supposed to do? listen to saddening music 24/7, browse this forum for hours and go for walks and cry? I've done that for too long. I cannot go seek help or support, I do not personally see the point anymore Downtown. I feel my life has been completely past it's expiry date, unfortunately I guess this life and generation just maybe wasn't for me. I am not being selfish and if I come across as that I truly am sorry, but I cannot help this, not anymore.

 

Some people would just assume, if they heard this story that 'Oh, it's just an 18 year old who fell for someone younger and can't get over it; typical love/heartbreak story'. It's something so much more than that, more intimate, more everything. I don't know anymore.

[Downtown]

It was deciphered by a medical doctor who specializes in the topic.

Darren, you should consult with a psychiatrist -- i.e., a professional who has both an M.D. degree and a psychology degree. A psychiatrist typically is well trained to diagnose bipolar disorder and is very knowledgeable about the various drugs used in treating it.

 

During these visits... he assumed I had gotten better.

Of course you got "better." With bipolar disorder, your depression ALWAYS gets better (if you don't kill yourself first). That's why the disorder is called "bipolar," i.e, you will alternate between feeling depressed and feeling normal (or feeling mild mania). If you never got better, your depression would be called "Major Depressive Disorder," which produces a constant sense of hopelessness and despair.

 

Hence, if you suffer from bipolar-2, "getting better" is NOT a reason to stay off medication. I therefore suggest you obtain a second opinion from a psychiatrist. If he determines that you have bipolar-2, he will prescribe medication for you to take (regardless of whether you happen to be feeling better at times).

 

I denied help, counseling, support for months.

As you already know by now, counseling would be helpful too if you have bipolar-2.

 

I've faced this, since my early teenage years and not once have I been prescribed or taken any medical prescriptions. I've simply just, dealt with it. 5+ years on, I have gotten severely worse and it pains and haunts me every waking, living minute I breathe.

Dealt with it??? No, you are NOT dealing with it. Why are you putting yourself through this needless suffering? Bipolar-2 is caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. That's why the depression periods usually take two weeks to develop, hang around for several weeks, and then take another two weeks or so to fade away. Hence, about 80% of bipolar sufferers are successfully treated by simply swallowing a pill that brings body chemistry back into balance.

 

I cannot go seek help or support, I do not personally see the point anymore Downtown.

Darren, why are you unable to seek help? The UK offers some of the best health care in the world.

[Redhead14]

Hello members of LoveShack forum,

 

I'm a new member and I would like to introduce myself. My name is Darren, I am 18, my work occupation is as an Administrator for a financial company and alongside that I am studying in part time courses for customer service advising and receptionist roles (office related). I'm not a very sociable person anymore due to past experiences; I had been bullied for 5 years since the start of secondary school up to around last year, I had lost a lot of my 'friends' because of parting and whatever else.

 

Now that I have introduced myself, I had decided to take to a forum full of knowledgable people who may be younger or older, and have experienced the same and/or different matters I am or have been facing.

 

The story starts where I had found myself in a very intimate and loving relationship with a girl who I had met at a college gig where I had been playing. We were head over heels for each other and when we both arrived home we spoke all night. The days, weeks, months progressed and both our families who would be considered to be strict accepted us for who we were and accepted the relationship very well. I would visit her most days, she would come to mine at the weekends, we'd go out to dinner, cinema you know the typical things that you do. We lost our virginity to each other one night, around 5 months into our relationship, and the love just continued from there. Her parents and all her relatives adored me, as did my family for her, they saw so much potential and so did we. The mom of hers was certain we would get married and have children. It was all a fairy tale relationship until we began arguing.

 

I can admit I can be a difficult person and I have had a lot of severe problems within myself, my family etc etc which had put alot of stress on me recently, especially this year since the start. I had been more negative, argued with her more, became angry over small things, deprived myself of sleep almost everyday because I procrastinate and just can't think straight. But regardless, she had felt like this sometimes and had done the same to me, but we both accepted the fact that's just how we both are and we related to it and understood each other. That's why we were still together.

 

However things progressed throughout the recent months, I never felt good about myself, anxious to go out, most days when we saw each other there had always been missing love and affection and we always argued about it.

On the 18th of August it was my 18th birthday, It was like any other day. She offerred to see me but I declined because I was still feeling so awful about myself. After talking to her for about the 100th time how she would always be there for me and how I should try for myself, her and us, I asked if she could come to mine the following day. And so she did, it was like any other day I would see her, but something felt missing at the end. The weekend approached and we spoke less because of my sleeping pattern and the things she was doing to keep herself occupied when I wasn't talking to her. The weekdays then approached and she offerred to come see me on the Monday, I said 'please do' because something recently happened that had put me in serious depression and self-loathe and doubt. She started complaining about coming to mine (bare in mind this was the first time she ever had to make the effort to come to mine without her dad driving her, because she was 16, turning 17 this year when I turned 18 she obviously was unable to drive), this isn't the first time she made excuses for not seeing me or my family at events and such. She kept complaining during the day until I stated to her 'if it's too much effort for her then don't bother', she proceeded and kept complaining still. I told her eventually to just go back home (we only live around 4 miles apart). We had argued about this stupid situation whilst she was going home and it started getting more severe and anger-filled like it had done in the past. She went home 'crying' and told me that she couldn't do this anymore over social networking messages. So she decided to leave me.

 

As the day's progressed we had argued a few more times, mostly because I was trying to make alternatives and solutions and understand what was happening and why she was feeling like she was, but she wasn't having any of it. Eventually she had blocked me off everything you could possibly think of. Facebook, Instagram, imessage, calls, texts. I let her be for a few days and told her I am sorry for making the arguments and whatever made her leave me and said that I could make things better, but she said she wanted time. I gave her a couple more days and she said she still needed time, so I told her to take that time and ignore me and leave me alone and i'll leave her alone, and that when and if she wanted me back and wanted to come back then message me or contact me back. She contacted me later on that evening and had a normal conversation with me. Me being me and the sop I am I continuously told her I missed her and loved her so much, it was the longest it had been without seeing her or being with her. She said she couldn't say anything because she thought she would lead me on, so I asked and enquired why would that be but she wouldn't tell me. She kept making poor excuses as to why she ended it, with things like 'you never liked my family ;you never loved me for me' 'you hated my body'. None of this was true, everytime we made love i made her feel as comfortable as possible, spent hundreds of pounds on gifts and clothing to make her feel good, heck I attended all her family events even when I felt so poor as a person. We argued again about why this was happenning, what was happening vise versa and after another argument and eventually she blocked me again off everything. We both left it on a bitter note and I just wanted her back.

 

I contacted her father and her brother explaining the situation and what was happening and asked them that I'll be here waiting for her and if she wanted me back then she could always be welcome. I apologised and told them I loved her with all my heart and promised that there would be a change in what the issues were. He later on told me that she told him she didn't want to hear from me anymore, and he had threatened me not to message her or any of them again. Because again i am who i am, I had contacted them again saying why has it came this far, is there anything i can do. He said to stop contacting him or else. He then blocked me. The ironic and hypocritical thing is though, when she made multiple mistakes this time last year, she had hurt me so much, I did the same. She spammed me with calls and texts, got her family to persuade me to take her back and harrassed me and I took her back with open arms. Because they probably don't see my side of the story and took hers, they clearly just didn't understand the severity of what I have been going through and thought I was just trying to hurt their daughter. Which is far from I loved her so much, that I had put my life on the line for her in severe fights with people in my local area (she had been harrassed by these older people on a few occasions).

 

The past few days I had cried myself asleep, cried to my mom and let my feelings out to her for the first time in 18 years. I was so lost, lost without the love I thought I would be with forever, she told me she would always be with me, she promised no matter what either of us were going through and what we would do we would still be there for each other fighting for our relationship. Obviously that wasn't true. She contacted me earlier on today (gmt time) and told me to 'please stop messaging her and her family and to leave her alone', she messaged my mom the same thing, and then blocked us again. I replied to that message to me saying 'I understand I just needed you to know how I truly felt and feel, I loved and miss you so much but I know I have to let you go, I will be waiting here for you if you need me. I hope in future we can still be friends.' 8 hours later she hasn't read it as she has blocked me again. I lastly offered her every resolve I could mentally and physically do to save this relationship and to save us. No reply.

 

I hope I'm not coming off as over-obssesive or anything, I just don't handle these situations well and on top of everything, I never thought I'd lose the person who was with me through thick and thin, like I was for her. I spoke to a few past friends etc and they gave me alternatives, I am trying to keep her off my mind but it's so hard. I haven't cried since this morning, I'm trying to occupy myself again by doing things, but She's still on my mind. I guess I'm just hoping someday and especially soon she'll forgive me, and us and come back, but it probably won't happen. The false hope I guess.

 

I'm a mature person but I know I have the moments where I get too stressed and become maybe too angry or too sad for her, and I regret every time it had happened. I'm not sure what to do, I want her back but I want to move on because I don't see how there's a way back after such a situation like this. I don't want her moving on of course not, but knowing she probably will and already has hurts me all the more. I love her with all my heart and more, we have been through so much more and the fact she just threw it all away, without any proper goodbye and how other people had to get involved also hurts me. I questioned myself asking, is life really worth living anymore without her?

 

Please help.

 

Darren, it is completely inappropriate for a physician to make clinical psychiatric diagnoses and prescribe medications for them. And, you should not label yourself with it either. Preconceived notions about psychiatric conditions are often create symptoms iatrogenically -- meaning, in laymen's terms -- put in your head and so are sometimes actually experienced.

 

You may very well benefit from medication but unless there is a correct diagnosis, whatever meds you are on may actually work against you completely.

 

I strongly recommend visiting a psychiatrist or psychologist at least for a short time to corroborate or deny the diagnosis you've been given and give you some cognitive and/or dialectical behavioral tools for managing whatever symptoms you have.

 

In the meantime, I want to suggest to you that you are likely suffering more of a post-traumatic response to your past and your break up. While this is a difficult thing in itself, it is something that can be worked on without meds or just some meds to manage some of the symptoms to the point where you can be "present" and focus effectively on dealing with your emotions and processing effectively.

 

You need to remain positive and focused and resolved about moving forward in a healthy way.

 

You can PM me if you'd like to talk more. There are things I am sure you would prefer not to present in a public forum (albeit anonymous). Talking is the first step to releasing and processing anything traumatic.

[DarrenB]

Darren, you should consult with a psychiatrist -- i.e., a professional who has both an M.D. degree and a psychology degree. A psychiatrist typically is well trained to diagnose bipolar disorder and is very knowledgeable about the various drugs used in treating it.

 

Of course you got "better." With bipolar disorder, your depression ALWAYS gets better (if you don't kill yourself first). That's why the disorder is called "bipolar," i.e, you will alternate between feeling depressed and feeling normal (or feeling mild mania). If you never got better, your depression would be called "Major Depressive Disorder," which produces a constant sense of hopelessness and despair.

 

Hence, if you suffer from bipolar-2, "getting better" is NOT a reason to stay off medication. I therefore suggest you obtain a second opinion from a psychiatrist. If he determines that you have bipolar-2, he will prescribe medication for you to take (regardless of whether you happen to be feeling better at times).

 

As you already know by now, counseling would be helpful too if you have bipolar-2.

 

Dealt with it??? No, you are NOT dealing with it. Why are you putting yourself through this needless suffering? Bipolar-2 is caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. That's why the depression periods usually take two weeks to develop, hang around for several weeks, and then take another two weeks or so to fade away. Hence, about 80% of bipolar sufferers are successfully treated by simply swallowing a pill that brings body chemistry back into balance.

 

Darren, why are you unable to seek help? The UK offers some of the best health care in the world.

 

I understand Downtown, but I just don't have the motivation or tendency to want to get better. Well accept support, medication, counselling and whatever else would be sufficient.

 

This has really hit me hard, hit me harder than every other time of abandonment. This is far worse than being in the abusive R/S i was in beforehand. Everyday I'm struggling to come to terms with the loss, and it's just the minor and the major things that hassle me with it.

 

Some days are a lot better than others, some I just about manage to live through and breathe through. Maybe I became co-dependent on her due to the stress I was going through for a few months this year, but I had never asked her too. I told her on multiple occasions: if it is too much, you cannot handle it or you simply don't want to, leave now. Everytime I warned her about this, she declined. They were never really severe situations. No viciousness or abuse, no cheating or non-monogamy. Just quite a stressed-out, low self-esteem partner for the meantime. Regardless of what I've gone through, I still made her happy and gave her anything and everything she could has possibly wished for in an intimate LTR.

 

I feel my mind and soul just deteriorate more and more as each day passes, the haunting thought of her finding someone else, she probably already has. I'm becoming afraid of my thoughts, and I'm just becoming more tired of dealing with everything.

 

Lets hope to a better future for us all.

[marky00]

Maybe I became co-dependent on her due to the stress I was going through for a few months this year, but I had never asked her too. I told her on multiple occasions: if it is too much, you cannot handle it or you simply don't want to, leave now. Everytime I warned her about this, she declined. They were never really severe situations. No viciousness or abuse, no cheating or non-monogamy. Just quite a stressed-out, low self-esteem partner for the meantime. Regardless of what I've gone through, I still made her happy and gave her anything and everything she could has possibly wished for in an intimate LTR.

 

I feel my mind and soul just deteriorate more and more as each day passes, the haunting thought of her finding someone else, she probably already has. I'm becoming afraid of my thoughts, and I'm just becoming more tired of dealing with everything.

 

Lets hope to a better future for us all.

 

 

Same exact scenario for me.

 

 

I was stressed out big time and kept asking her "your ok, I don't have to worry?" An of course her answer was always Yes. Soon after she dumped me.

 

 

I have said this a few times on this thread that maybe to stop this scenario from playing out for other potential dumpees, maybe when someone recognises they are in a BAD SPOT, tell their partner they need to take a break for a couple of months to get their lives sorted. Yes, it seems like a huge risk but in actual fact, its probably far less risky than trying to push through on a relationship when you know deep down your facing some big issues outside the relationship.

[cucumber95]

You are in same situation as me, nearly 1 to 1 It's hard. I can't imagaine my life without her I know she is the one I want to marry, the one I wanted to have kids with, everybody wished us good, and belived in us, and now everything is gone. Good luck in healing, but what if we don't want to heal?

[spiderowl]

Hi Darren,

 

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunately, feelings don't always stay the same in relationships, as the many who have gone or are going through the same heartbreak as you will understand.

 

It sounds like she has pretty much moved on. People's feelings change, then they act. It's not usually the other way round, sadly.

 

I know it sounds patronising but you are young. You have many years yet in which to meet a lovely partner. This relationship, while both so young, was unlikely to last. You were both developing as adults and she was even younger than you. People change.

 

No amount of explaining or regrets is going to change the current situation, so I would not waste your time on that. Just learn what you can from what you've experienced. It sounds like you'd been feeling down for quite a while, which is difficult for you to cope with and for any girlfriend. Maybe see what help you can get in the way of counselling to help you cope with what has happened recently and also to see why you are often feeling low and short-tempered.

 

But do not blame yourself. People do change as they mature and relationships often do not last when started in teens. You need to focus on healing now and looking after yourself. Talk to friends, family, whoever, cry a lot. Eventually you are will start to see the wood for the trees. Things will improve and you will be open to meeting someone new, maybe someone who appreciates the good things you do more.

[Downtown]

I understand Downtown, but I just don't have the motivation or tendency to want to get better.

Darren, the human condition is that our judgment goes out the window whenever we experience intense feelings. Those very strong feelings distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations, thus preventing us from making rational judgements.

 

This distortion is evident, for example, when we experience intense anger, infatuation, and depression. That's why, when we are extremely angry, we try to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have time to cool down and regain our judgment. And that's why, when we are extremely infatuated, we try to wait at least two years before buying the ring. And that's why, when we're extremely depressed -- as you are now -- we need to seek help from a psychiatrist who can guide us and prescribe medication targeted at the intense feelings that are distorting our judgment.

 

Sadly, depression has such a powerful distorting effect on one's perception that it undermines our natural incentives to seek help. As you are painfully aware, depression makes us feel like life is not worthwhile and we've reached the end of the road. This is why an estimated 25% to 50% of patients with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once over their lifetime and 8% to 19% will complete suicide. See Suicide in Bipolar Disorder (2014).

 

Lets hope to a better future for us all.

"Hope" is insufficient. "Hope" doesn't cut it. What is required is action on your part, Darren. A team of psychiatrists cannot help you as long as you're unwilling to help yourself. I want to wish you the best, Darren, but "wishing" doesn't cut it either.

[DarrenB]

Darren, the human condition is that our judgment goes out the window whenever we experience intense feelings. Those very strong feelings distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations, thus preventing us from making rational judgements.

 

This distortion is evident, for example, when we experience intense anger, infatuation, and depression. That's why, when we are extremely angry, we try to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have time to cool down and regain our judgment. And that's why, when we are extremely infatuated, we try to wait at least two years before buying the ring. And that's why, when we're extremely depressed -- as you are now -- we need to seek help from a psychiatrist who can guide us and prescribe medication targeted at the intense feelings that are distorting our judgment.

 

Sadly, depression has such a powerful distorting effect on one's perception that it undermines our natural incentives to seek help. As you are painfully aware, depression makes us feel like life is not worthwhile and we've reached the end of the road. This is why an estimated 25% to 50% of patients with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once over their lifetime and 8% to 19% will complete suicide. See Suicide in Bipolar Disorder (2014).

 

"Hope" is insufficient. "Hope" doesn't cut it. What is required is action on your part, Darren. A team of psychiatrists cannot help you as long as you're unwilling to help yourself. I want to wish you the best, Darren, but "wishing" doesn't cut it either.

 

I understand what you are saying, completely.

 

But for myself. I cannot simply resort to visiting a psychiatrist or receiving medications to help 'improve and better myself and wellbeing'. This may be perceived as just being plain and simply stubborn - denying help when especially required, but I feel these types of situations and the processes of them have to be carried out by oneself and only oneself.

 

There's no doubt I'm struggling. I'm neglecting alot, I'm hurting alot, but there's nothing I can do besides cope with it and assume things will turn positive in some way in time from now. Ironically, the one thing that is keeping me out of trouble and at self-preservation is the thought of reconciling with her in time. This shouldn't be the case and I should eradicate all the feelings about it, but I'm scared if I do so I will not recover at all.

[marky00]

I understand what you are saying, completely.

 

But for myself. I cannot simply resort to visiting a psychiatrist or receiving medications to help 'improve and better myself and wellbeing'. This may be perceived as just being plain and simply stubborn - denying help when especially required, but I feel these types of situations and the processes of them have to be carried out by oneself and only oneself.

 

There's no doubt I'm struggling. I'm neglecting alot, I'm hurting alot, but there's nothing I can do besides cope with it and assume things will turn positive in some way in time from now. Ironically, the one thing that is keeping me out of trouble and at self-preservation is the thought of reconciling with her in time. This shouldn't be the case and I should eradicate all the feelings about it, but I'm scared if I do so I will not recover at all.

 

 

 

Its true ant-depressents don't help with the heartache but they do help regarding the self-blame and ruminating.

 

 

I have been 60days NC completely cold turkey but just yesterday started on some anti-depressants and also some counselling.

 

 

Now admittedly, this is second breakup for me (same relationship) so most of the heartache was done last year.

 

 

So I am hoping this time around that the meds and counselling can help mainly with the self-blame and self-reflection.

 

 

Looks like you have done a few months yourself. As long as you have done a few months cold turkey and felt the pain, it would probably be ok to look at some meds.

[DarrenB]

Its true ant-depressents don't help with the heartache but they do help regarding the self-blame and ruminating.

 

 

I have been 60days NC completely cold turkey but just yesterday started on some anti-depressants and also some counselling.

 

 

Now admittedly, this is second breakup for me (same relationship) so most of the heartache was done last year.

 

 

So I am hoping this time around that the meds and counselling can help mainly with the self-blame and self-reflection.

 

 

Looks like you have done a few months yourself. As long as you have done a few months cold turkey and felt the pain, it would probably be ok to look at some meds.

 

How are you feeling now compared to last year? alot better I hope. If so, kudos to you.

 

My initial 'plan' so to speak, well... I wouldn't really call it a plan, more so an attempt to reconcile would have been on her birthday. Maybe actually just send her a letter or something, some flowers perhaps. Yes, you would probably think and assume 'bad idea. Don't do it. She does not concern you anymore.' etc but in my eyes it seems like something that would give me an idea of how we both feel, months after the initial B/U. Her birthday is at the start of November, so I'm still quite skeptical on whether I should or not. Maybe heal some more and wait till after Christmas and into the new year? I honestly don't know anymore haha.

 

My mind hasn't been at ease for sometime, this does not help.

[marky00]

How are you feeling now compared to last year? alot better I hope. If so, kudos to you.

 

My initial 'plan' so to speak, well... I wouldn't really call it a plan, more so an attempt to reconcile would have been on her birthday. Maybe actually just send her a letter or something, some flowers perhaps. Yes, you would probably think and assume 'bad idea. Don't do it. She does not concern you anymore.' etc but in my eyes it seems like something that would give me an idea of how we both feel, months after the initial B/U. Her birthday is at the start of November, so I'm still quite skeptical on whether I should or not. Maybe heal some more and wait till after Christmas and into the new year? I honestly don't know anymore haha.

 

My mind hasn't been at ease for sometime, this does not help.

 

 

I had a brief re-kindling with my Ex this year. We went for a holiday to the Maldives. But that opportunity pretty much arose out of the fact that her next relationship busted up after 9 months or so. A few months after the trip, she pretty much disappeared again. Not due to anything weird I did. I'm pretty sure the guy she broke up with was sniffing around.

 

 

I do have a letter I wrote several months back that will be sent at some point. Worst comes to worst, it may be my final words depending on what occurs thereafter.

 

 

How long to wait, it really depends. Since I did the whole limited contact thing last year, I would say that attempting contact within the first 3 months or so doesn't usually go well. If you can hold on for 3 - 6 months, your results may be a little better as some of her negative thinking may have been reset.

 

 

Also, by waiting 3 to 6 months, if you don't hear from her, you also get a more realistic assessment of where your at. That way, you may be able to shrug off bs comments like "oh I was going to contact you but didn't because I thought you hated me".

[marky00]

Honestly, I still feel pretty awful.

 

 

Only difference now is I don't have the real heartache chest pains that I pretty much had for a good 6 to 8 months last year.

 

 

Now, I'm at the point where I have given the relationship a complete post-mortem. Its been very hard to accept things that happened.

 

 

Hopefully the meds and counselling can assist.

 

 

As regards the NC. Is it helping? Well.. I really don't know but at least I haven't had to hear any nasty comments etc.

 

 

I think a letter is the best way to go to break NC because its a better as an ice breaker and also means that if they are not interested, you don't have to listen to hurtful words on the phone or via text etc.

[Downtown]

I cannot simply resort to visiting a psychiatrist or receiving medications to help 'improve and better myself and well being'.... I feel these types of situations and the processes of them have to be carried out by oneself and only oneself.

I disagree, Darren. If your doctor is correct about you having bipolar disorder, you have a recurring imbalance in your body chemistry that cannot "be carried out by oneself and only oneself." It can be managed and controlled only with medication.

 

I nonetheless would agree that, if you are suffering only mild depression, it would not be particularly risky to simply handle it on your own by toughing it out. However, your several statements revealing suicidal thoughts strongly indicate your depression is not mild at all. You asked us, e.g., "Is life really worth living anymore without her?" As I tried to explain above, having strong and persistent depression implies that your judgment is distorted and colored by the intense feelings. This is why professional guidance is prudent.

[DarrenB]

I disagree, Darren. If your doctor is correct about you having bipolar disorder, you have a recurring imbalance in your body chemistry that cannot "be carried out by oneself and only oneself." It can be managed and controlled only with medication.

 

I nonetheless would agree that, if you are suffering only mild depression, it would not be particularly risky to simply handle it on your own by toughing it out. However, your several statements revealing suicidal thoughts strongly indicate your depression is not mild at all. You asked us, e.g., "Is life really worth living anymore without her?" As I tried to explain above, having strong and persistent depression implies that your judgment is distorted and colored by the intense feelings. This is why professional guidance is prudent.

 

Again, completely understandable. However, I think I may give it a few more weeks; 2-3 weeks. It's obvious I still have some sort of motives and willpower, else if I simply didn't want to be here, I wouldn't. It's also obvious I still have a lot of worry and 'certain things on my mind'. I need to rebuild a foundation of the misery, and abundance of sadness and depression I've been experiencing, especially lately. After all: trial and error right.

 

I need to think simply more of change, rather than an overall solution... especially ones of which revolve around my ex. Ofcourse it's easier saying this on a forum, I believe I'll do my best to apply this in real time life. I'll continue the motivation of retaining her and our r/s, even if it won't happen... it's whats keeping me going right now.

 

Anyway, hope you're having a nice day Downtown.

[Downtown]

Anyway, hope you're having a nice day Downtown.

Hope you're having a nice night, Darren. It must be after 1:00 in the morning there in the U.K.

[DarrenB]

Hope you're having a nice night, Darren. It must be after 1:00 in the morning there in the U.K.

 

Coffee and some time on a nice nostalgic video game (Runescape) is helping me get through this cold, ominous night.

[DarrenB]

I thought I'd return to my first thread from the 30th of August. The same month where the person I loved had left me with no reason, no closure, no clarity and no empathy.

 

It's currently the 15th of November, 2:45pm (UK GMT time). I've just had a quite lengthy and sincere conversation with another mutual friend of ours. It seems as if the X has attempted to control more of our friend's minds and make me out to be a bad person and that she's innocent to the brim.

 

Upon finishing the civil conversation with this mutual friend. I've really started to realize, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this suffering, this self-hatred, this pain I feel for someone who no longer feels that way for me. It's really dawned on me how controlling and how naive she actually was, from the start to the end. I had always picked out my own flaws and made myself out to be the conflict-starter. However, I now realize that she was just as bad, if not worse. I now see everything wrong with the relationship. No matter how good it was and points, they cannot correlate with the hardships that also came with it.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, this 3 months of internal sadness has really made me believe and understand that first loves never last. It's all in our imagination, that we hope and assume they would. But what's the possibility realistically? very low. I had found out that this X had lied about her virginity to me. She had lost it before me, at the age of 13/14. She had cheated on me in the first few months of our R/S with her other ex and close friend. Amongst a few of other hurtful things.

 

I came to this forum, a broken man. I am still the broken man, I am still in the process of repair, but I am free. I am free of this pain, suffering, jealousy and anger. I no longer feel the need to care, I have been pushed beyond breaking point too many times.

 

Let this be a lesson to all. To overcome your fear of loss, you must witness the peril of yourself. You must accept the reality as harsh as it may be, and understand not everything is worth fixing.

 

I conclude this. I feel free. Will this be temporary? maybe so. But I can only look forward from here.