Being friends with exes on facebook instagram...yes or no?

[JustGettingBy]

All I want to know if Am I wrong to ask her to delete these facebook exes fwb exes hookups etc?? Am I wrong?

 

Asking her to do it isn't 'wrong', but it may cause her to think you're too paranoid or suspicious.

[dichotomy]

All I want to know if Am I wrong to ask her to delete these facebook exes fwb exes hookups etc?? Am I wrong?

 

Social media is a major source of cheating.

 

Look its one thing to have a long ago BF on Facebook - but a bunch of FB's and ONS ? Probably not, but it depends how serious you are. Is this a major relationship yet? "I love you's"? .. and maybe thoughts or talk of very long term commitments or future ?

 

Are you okay with her sexual past ? More importantly - do you share now the same beliefs on sex and relationships ? Have you had ONS ?

 

There is a way to handle this rather than asking (or demanding) she delete FB's or ONS guys from FB and it depends if you two are really getting serious .... you say something like "I find it hard to be in a loving committed relationship when there are still connections or links to casual partners from ones past". This is whats called expressing your boundaries - its not a demand (you delete them !) its simply telling her honestly whats right for you. She can disagree or object - but you are simply expressing your beliefs and boundaries and NOT demanding she do something. See the difference ? Its a powerful but distinct difference in how you approach something like this. She is free to choose - and so are you. If she asks "are you telling me to delete them from FB ?" you respond "No I am not telling you that - I am telling you its hard for me to feel seriously committed and loved with these connections in place"... she can even disagree or tell you "that's your problem" and you can honestly admit "I agree it is a problem for me".

 

I am going to give a stupid (from my standpoint) and lite example from my marriage. When my wife moved in - I kept my toilet seat up (as a guy just what I did living alone). She told me several times to put it down for two months. She demanded it - yelled at me. I was not constant because I did not get it. Finally she got really upset and said "I feel disrespected when you do that". Whoa! What ? I did not agree or understand that - but that's how she felt and it was the last time I ever left the seat up.

 

 

I think there is something going on here in a compatibility and shared beliefs between you both. Time to express whats important to you and what you find respectful and loving - or not.

Edited September 3, 2016 by dichotomy

[salparadise]

All I want to know if Am I wrong to ask her to delete these facebook exes fwb exes hookups etc?? Am I wrong?

 

 

It's not as B&W as right or wrong. You've already told her that you are uncomfortable with it, correct? And she chooses to not acknowledge your feelings as valid and gives you a like or lump it attitude? If that's the case, then I think the writing is on the wall as the saying goes. Even if you choose to overlook this instance, the attitude will manifest in other ways. It will be cumulative.

 

If you've discussed it and she flat out refuses to give an inch... the only conclusion is that she values these connections more than she values your relationship, or she is totally oblivious to how she's undermining it (which I doubt is the case).

 

There is really only one reason she'd be so adamant about staying connected to past hookups and flings. And if this is the case, there is a fundamental incompatibility with a guy, such as yourself, who needs to feel secure and has jealous tendencies. She feels more secure being connected to (and validated by) her backups than nourishing her primary relationship. Not a good match.

[dichotomy]

I think its reasonable to take a hard look at any possible Jealousy or insecurity issues on your part - but I also think its just as fair to examine your needs for intimacy, respect, commitment and exclusivity.

 

You two may not simply be compatible. I am not going to slut shame her - or intimacy shame you.

[salparadise]

I think its reasonable to take a hard look at any possible Jealousy or insecurity issues on your part - but I also think its just as fair to examine your needs for intimacy, respect, commitment and exclusivity.

 

You two may not simply be compatible. I am not going to slut shame her - or intimacy shame you.

 

A moderate amount of jealousy is normal and healthy. Most men and women fall into a moderate range on this. There are outliers who have extreme jealousy, and on the other end of the spectrum, those who have none whatsoever and can do open marriages and so forth.

 

I just think it would feel strange to have zero jealousy, or to be in a relationship with someone who has zero. But that is exactly what OPs girlfriend needs. No man in the mid-spectrum (which is where I think OP falls) is going to be okay with his woman keeping a fan club of guys she has phukked. Most women are not so inclined, are empathetic with their partner's feelings, are naturally predisposed to setting boundaries that support emotional health in a relationship, and are content to invest exclusively in the primary relationship.

 

None of these seem to be true for OPs girlfriend. I think she is an outlier, and he is mid-spectrum. She will drive him crazy with this stuff, yet she just doesn't see it as a big deal.

[dusk86]

If you are not in a serious relationship then yes.

 

However, if you are in a serious relationship and are planning to keep it long-term than no. If you truly love your partner and respect them you would never have an ex in any of your contacts since that only would mean that you are keeping an open door and are not completely engage in your relationship. When you jump in for real and are committed you need to clear your list since you are now ready for a true and mature relationship.

[Gloria25]

She feels more secure being connected to (and validated by) her backups than nourishing her primary relationship. Not a good match.

 

This ^^ is what's going on with people who keep exes in the loop and/or have a wandering eye.

 

So, people like them, let them be alone so they can have all the time in the world to dedicate to being interested in what others (other than you) think about them.

[PrettyEmily77]

If you both agree, yes.

If one of you disagrees, no.

 

I've not had this issue but if a guy I was serious about asked me to not have exes already on my social media, and if I feel his reasons are good enough, present guy wins over the past guys.

 

If I feel it's an unreasonable request, on the back of a series of arguments or something isn't jiving and can't be resolved through talking, social media win.

 

If it's a new request (ie an ex contacts me out of the blue) while I'm in a fully committed relationship and my partner objects for any reason, then no.