Transthoracic08 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 It was not a romantic relationship. It was a best friendship. She is a gay woman, but it followed a lot of romantic parallels, including her seemingly turning on me for no reason and ending the relationship. I am 30 years older than her, so there were also father/daughter parallels. She suffers from depression. She is about to start a very stressful educational program. We met during a previous very stressful educational program and she had breakdowns. She just started living alone for the first time in her life. It's been 6 weeks since the breakup. I'm never going to be over her. She is in my heart forever. Before the breakup, she treated me like garbage. But I know that wasn't the real person. I knew the real person, and because of that I have an unconditional love for her. So here's the text: ***Do not respond*** If things get bad, know that you can contact me. No strings. No BS. I worry about her. I think it would be alright but I need an objective opinion. Thanks. 1
Bfef Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 No, I wouldn't. Just write it down on a piece of paper and hide it at the back of a drawer. Then throw it out next time you clear out that drawer. NC is the best way. 1
Satu Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 She is what she does. If she treated you like garbage, it's because of who she is. Don't kid yourself along with the idea that she isn't that person. No contact. Take care. 6
Author Transthoracic08 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 oops! I'm 20 years older. 1
LD1990 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 Don't send it. It sounds like you're saying "Don't talk to me, but I'll help you out when you screw up your life." 3
Author Transthoracic08 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 What I'm trying to convey with the text is that I am not trying to patch things up, but that I still care about her and that I am an option if she needs support. It is not about her screwing her life up. She suffers from depression and had breakdowns during the last program. She was living with her parents at the time so she had more support. She is now living 2 hours away and by herself for the first time. She is not going to have the support she had before during the current program. I worry about her. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 What I'm trying to convey with the text is that I am not trying to patch things up, but that I still care about her and that I am an option if she needs support. It is not about her screwing her life up. She suffers from depression and had breakdowns during the last program. She was living with her parents at the time so she had more support. She is now living 2 hours away and by herself for the first time. She is not going to have the support she had before during the current program. I worry about her. No, terrible, awful idea. If she really cared that much about your support, she wouldn't have ended the friendship. Odds are she knows that you'll be "there" anyway because you did put up with her treating you like garbage. So yeah, it's an awful idea no matter how many ways you ask that question. 4
Author Transthoracic08 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 Thanks Simone. I thought it was a good idea this morning, but now I'm starting to see your points. She has to come to terms with what she did to me before anything else can happen. 1
privategal Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 I say don't send a text that is contrived, if you are going to reach out, say exactly what's on your heart and mind. 1
fromheart Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 I'll be honest with you, with that text you're telling her that she can walk all over you, speak to you with disrespect and you'll still be there for her. That isn't actually going to help her, the only way you can help her is by having the self respect to walk away, as you should when someone is disrespecting you. That gives them the opportunity to look at their behavior and change it. She hasn't earnt the shoulder to lean on. You're not her father. The tough love of walking away is better for her and you. 1
Author Transthoracic08 Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 Why exactly did the friendship end? I don't really know. She just changed on me. We were as close as two people could be. A once in a lifetime relationship. Then she started becoming more distant and more judgmental. We were classmates in a program. She was having some issue with me and her therapist suggested that she wait till the program was over to deal with it since it was so stressful. So for three months she treated me like garbage until the program was over. Then when it was over she just wanted to end it without even discussing it. I talked her into making an effort. But she never did. Just token gestures. I texted her after 3 weeks of no contact and she was treating me like garbage again. I pushed the issue and she said she was done trying. She said that we didn't work and that I didn't understand her. She said that she wasn't getting what she needed from the relationship. In our last text conversation she said that she couldn't open up to me. I can not understand an issue if she won't open up to me. Like I said, our friendship had a lot of romantic parallels. I am not the first best friend that she has broken up with. But when we were close, I knew the real person that she is. That is why I have unconditional love for her. She can treat me like crap and I will still love her. We use to say to each other that we fake it with everyone else, but when we are together we can be ourselves. That changed. Her armor came up. she is afraid of something. Perhaps she is afraid of how close we were. In the beginning she pursued me. I was resistant. Then she texted me that we are the same. That text changed everything for me. We were the same. Now she is just like everyone else. But I still love her. 1
Author Transthoracic08 Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 I'll be honest with you, with that text you're telling her that she can walk all over you, speak to you with disrespect and you'll still be there for her. That isn't actually going to help her, the only way you can help her is by having the self respect to walk away, as you should when someone is disrespecting you. That gives them the opportunity to look at their behavior and change it. She hasn't earnt the shoulder to lean on. You're not her father. The tough love of walking away is better for her and you. She can walk all over me and I will still love her. That's the father/daughter parallel. That's the unconditional love. I think I understand now that the only way our relationship can move forward is if she comes to terms with how she has treated me. If she realizes that how she has treated me is wrong. So I will wait for that, if it ever comes. NC till then. 1
Nelli Gardens Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Hi. I think you were being used by this girl as a thing. Now she dont need you, and your "expiration date" had already passed. If she need you someday be sure she'll show up. Therefore don't even waste your time and thoughts at this selfish girl. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 It was not a romantic relationship. It was a best friendship. She is a gay woman, but it followed a lot of romantic parallels, including her seemingly turning on me for no reason and ending the relationship. I am 30 years older than her, so there were also father/daughter parallels. She suffers from depression. She is about to start a very stressful educational program. We met during a previous very stressful educational program and she had breakdowns. She just started living alone for the first time in her life. It's been 6 weeks since the breakup. I'm never going to be over her. She is in my heart forever. Before the breakup, she treated me like garbage. But I know that wasn't the real person. I knew the real person, and because of that I have an unconditional love for her. I think you need to take a step back and look at your motives here. You say it wasn't a romantic relationship but then go on to refer to it as a relationship and breakup a few times which suggests that your attachment to her is romantic not platonic. I'm not suggesting that your bond wasn't real, but I think you were both motivated by different types of feelings and needs. She is a lesbian, so understandably she isn't going to have the same feelings. You may have provided a friendship/support that she needed at the time, but now she is ready to take the next step in her life and has moved out for the first time. She is looking to spread her wings, find a girlfriend etc.. I think it is possible that she felt your friendship was getting in the way of that. Perhaps the age difference, gender and sexual orientation were part of the reason she felt you didn't understand her and why she felt unable to open up to you. I can only guess that would be part of it. She may have also felt your feelings were getting to strong and didn't want to deal with it anymore. As hard as it may be to hear, I really think it is in both your best interests to let her go. 1
Satu Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 (edited) She can walk all over me and I will still love her. That's the father/daughter parallel. That's the unconditional love. I think I understand now that the only way our relationship can move forward is if she comes to terms with how she has treated me. If she realizes that how she has treated me is wrong. So I will wait for that, if it ever comes. NC till then. There's a difference between unconditional love and an unconditional tolerance of inappropriate behaviour. Give that some thought. Take care. Edited August 27, 2016 by Satu 2
privategal Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 Oh goodness, after hearing you talk more about the abusive behavior, I have to say, maybe talking to a therapist may help. In friend ship we are all looking for a friend, not someone who can fix us or that we need to fix, not a parent role in our lives. This sounds extremely toxic and you seem very dependent on her for your self identity and value of yourself, so much so that you are willing to accept abuse and disrespect and hold this atrocious behavior on a pedestal because you are addicted to her and this dysfunction. I'd say you need to look at the limerance website. Limerance is pretty serious actually and if truly diagnosed needs psychology therapy to help fix. This isn't friendship and you need to let her go and you need to seek help as to why you would want to be a part of someone's life who has treated you this way. 2
fromheart Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 She can walk all over me and I will still love her. That's the father/daughter parallel. That's the unconditional love. I think I understand now that the only way our relationship can move forward is if she comes to terms with how she has treated me. If she realizes that how she has treated me is wrong. So I will wait for that, if it ever comes. NC till then. And out of love a father would not allow his daughter to walk all over him, for so many reasons. But she is not your daughter, and please recognize that you are not showing love to yourself or her, by ever allowing her to walk all over you! It took me a while to realize this. I leave the door open for friends, I might leave the door open for a lover. But I will walk away if I'm receiving abuse. And I've been alot happier since then... 1
Author Transthoracic08 Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 I think you need to take a step back and look at your motives here. You say it wasn't a romantic relationship but then go on to refer to it as a relationship and breakup a few times which suggests that your attachment to her is romantic not platonic. She is a lesbian, so understandably she isn't going to have the same feelings. You may have provided a friendship/support that she needed at the time, but now she is ready to take the next step in her life and has moved out for the first time. She is looking to spread her wings, find a girlfriend etc.. I think it is possible that she felt your friendship was getting in the way of that. Thanks Scarlet for your thoughts. I call it a relationship because calling it a friendship would simplify it to much. There were many different aspects to it that you wouldn't find in a regular friendship. But even though there were romantic parallels, it was completely platonic. I have given this a lot of thought and was even worried that I might become sexually attracted to her. But that never happened. I was more anxious for her to have a girlfriend than she was. I always encouraged her. I never felt even the slightest bit of jealousy. I only became excited when there was a new prospect, even though I knew that her having a girlfriend would completely change our relationship. I only ever wanted the best for her and always put her before myself. The draw for me was much more than having a romantic relationship. I call it a breakup because that is what it was. She said she was done. She has broken up with friends before. I am at least the third that I know of. I believe that you are somewhat right when you say the relationship was getting in her way. We became very close and our whole worlds revolved around each other. She had plans and she probably felt that the relationship would interfere. But we had pulled it way back. We had gone from texting several times a day to once every two weeks just to catch up, and I was fine with that. But she still felt the need for us to break up instead of it taken a natural course. I knew that when she moved that we would not have as much contact, but I did expect to stay friends with her. The relationship and the breakup were both very complicated. Too much for this thread. I have posted about some of the relationship and most of the breakup in another thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/592011-though-i-had-wished-you in case you're interested. It is quite long, and I wrote at as way to help me cope so it was more for me. Thanks again. 1
Author Transthoracic08 Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 Hi. I think you were being used by this girl as a thing. Now she dont need you, and your "expiration date" had already passed. If she need you someday be sure she'll show up. Therefore don't even waste your time and thoughts at this selfish girl. Thanks Nelli. You are right. She is being very selfish. But what is causing it is a defense mechanism. She is not a selfish person. She is trying to give herself justification for treating me this way and ending the relationship so she doesn't have to feel bad about it. Dealing with me means she has to deal with her issues. It is easier for her to protect herself and avoid them. 1
Author Transthoracic08 Posted August 27, 2016 Author Posted August 27, 2016 There's a difference between unconditional love and an unconditional tolerance of inappropriate behaviour. Give that some thought. Take care. Thanks Satu, and you are right. I will always love her despite her inappropriate behavior, but I will not always tolerate it. And that is pretty much why we broke up. I kept pushing the issue on her behavior hoping that she would realize what she was doing and stop.
preraph Posted August 27, 2016 Posted August 27, 2016 She wants no more to do with you and has made that clear. If you care for her, respect her decision. We don't know what in her made her have to end this, but she did, and it's done. Maybe you were interfering with her love life. Maybe she just got tired of you and didn't want a big blowup about it and just wanted out. Maybe your desperation made her lose all respect for you. Doesn't matter. It's over now because she said so. Have some dignity and leave her completely alone. Sorry you're hurting. Next relationship of any kind, resolve that the person has to treat you as well as you'd treat them or you don't let them hang around.
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