Though I had wished for you...

[Transthoracic08]

I have recently lost the greatest relationship that I've ever had. It was more than I could imagine a relationship could ever be. In the end I was left with three things: The pain and anguish that I carry with me every day, unwavering and absolute love, and an amazing story with a very bad ending. This is that story.

 

 

"...you can use my skin to bury secrets in..." -Fiona Apple

 

 

Though I had wished for you, you were unforeseen. Such silly fairytales are left to neglect as a young boy becomes jaded and outgrows his innocence. Even as we sat close, you were unrevealed to me; unrecognizable to the cynic. But you had the insight and understanding to know differently.

 

 

Our meeting was a wondrous circumstance. I resisted for some time and remained in my protective fortress of comfort, which I took so long to build. But you gently prodded me and stirred my curiosity. Then you sent me the words that changed everything, "We are the same." I felt barriers breakdown and immediately recognized the full potential of a relationship with you, as the once inconceivable seemed imaginable. Though I remained cautious, those words meant more than just their literacy. They meant, at the very least, that you were open to discussion on a level that few could understand or would consider significant.

 

 

You told me of your struggle with depression and how you were going through an episode. I have also had issues with depression and anxiety and have had two people in my family commit suicide. My experiences caused me to act with unessential well-meaning urgency. You kindly endured my efforts. We had a conversation that was really the beginning of our armor falling down.

 

 

Our continued conversations had a cascading effect, as we became more open and trusting. We were two introverts that hardly knew each other, yet were able to talk for hours on end as time seemed to cease to exist.

 

 

I became overcome by the foreign feelings and emotions that I was experiencing. It was as if I had slipped into an idealized fantasy. This caused me to become confused, frightened, and exhilarated. It also caused me to question if it was the work of my imagination. But every time I spoke to you it gave me empirical authentication. This could not have been conjured. This was far beyond the work of any mind. This was real. This was happening. As we shared this information with each other, it caused almost a giddiness.

 

 

At one point I became very concerned by the realization that you were now capable of devastating me. That was not something I expected or even considered. I assured myself that it would be a near impossibility. It didn't make much of a difference. The pull was to great. It was now way beyond my control. I just surrendered to it.

 

 

The relationship continued to swell. Most relationships don't reach an idealized potential. Ours surpassed it. It was bliss right up to the moment of that first loud crack that signaled the beginning of its collapse; perhaps caused by the sheer weight that had been placed upon it. I did not realize it at the time, but in a 45-minute drive home from one of the most enjoyable nights of my life, everything had changed. When reaching heights so high, the fall is just immense. The erasing had begun. The futile attempts had begun. The suffering had begun.

 

 

Our short conversation was sporadic; a series of spurts of emotionally charged dialog that I could not comprehend or rationally link together. I do remembering asking you what was wrong and you answering with a heart-sinking "everything is wrong. I thought I could, but I can't." I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to understand what was going on and I knew you were in no condition to express it in a manner that I could. I tried to ease you with assurances that everything was going to be alright. The feelings were too fresh and were not yet comprised of full thoughts. So I gave you the time you needed to try to understand the emotions yourself, while I became terrified of their ultimate meaning.

 

 

We talked after a few days, and I listened with great concern. Your purpose was not to convey understanding because it seemed that you did not fully comprehend it yourself. Had we taken it too far? It was clear that you were uncomfortable with our pseudo-state and that we could no longer continue to pursue our most recent path. But it did seem very real that we could continue in a relationship that could still be immensely beneficial and special to both of us. And I believed that is what we did. Perhaps we had just discovered the outer edge of our full potential, which was much more than what I even dreamed of. It was something that did not have to be fully addressed at the time. There would be plenty of time in a lifelong relationship to come to terms with what had actually occurred.

 

 

And it did continue as I had wished; still greater than any. We had agreed to meet once a week for lunch, as we both decided that we still needed our fixes. Then we had a few atypical lunches. You were not your usual self. I don't remember what was said. I just remember you being very moody. I did not make much of a big deal about it. I reasoned that it was probably the stress of precalculus. I did not take it personally.

 

 

The realization of an actual corrosive became evident when you responded to a simple question I had had during a group text. You lashed out at me and were very harsh in your response. What was truly troubling was the context of the group. We were supposed to protect each other from the ridicule of others. Yet, you were ridiculing me in front of others. This was something we would have to talk about.

 

 

The following day I had sent you a text that we should talk later in the day. This request triggered you, and when it came time to talk you were completely shut down and unwilling. I could not except that I may have caused days of suffering for both of us when a simple conversation would relieve us of such a burden. And though it was close to the time that I determined I needed to sleep to function the next day, I drove the 45 minutes to walk with you around the block. You had known the purpose of my concern, making me believe that you understood the inappropriateness of your exchange. The conversation did what I wanted it to by relieving the disaccord. But, before I had left, there were things you had said that made me believe that you were less than pleased that I had made the drive, and that you would not have done the same for me.

 

 

Once again I believed that we were back. Then we had a day that we were both at the same clinical site. Actually, I was at your clinical site, as this may have been significant. We didn't see much of each other throughout the day, but when we did you seemed very off put by me and my very presence. You treated me with contempt and with disdain. Just entering your line of sight caused a complete change in your demeanor. This wasn't just one of your unpleasant moods. You were fine with everyone else. It was only me that you seemed to have a problem with. It was a day or so later that this instance caused me to actually question our relationship. It was that disturbing. This was a real problem. I brought it up to you and you acted like you were not even aware of any unusual behavior and denied treating me badly. I told you that in romantic relationships, when one person starts to act like this, the relationship is over. You did eventually admit that you had been feeling "angsty" and that you hadn't fully processed why. So all I could so was allow you the time you needed to process it.

 

 

We were still able to indulge in the parts of the relationship which had made it so great. We were still able to have our endless discussions and a great time when we got together. But there were definite changes that were happening. You were becoming very judgmental and indifferent towards me. I often felt beat-up. Just a few short weeks earlier, I could tell with every conversation that you cared for me. Now, it was difficult at times to tell if you even liked me. You often treated me with scorn and irrelevance, and as if I was some sort of burden that you reluctantly dealt with. This was causing me great pain and confusion and you never offered up the source.

 

 

We had a conversation in which you told me that your therapist felt that you were under a lot of pressure from the program, and that you should wait to deal with our issues after the program had ended. There was still three months till graduation. I was not crazy about this idea but agreed to it. But this only seemed to give you permission to continually treat me badly.

 

 

I had told you of the relationship I had had where I allowed the girl to treat me badly. At the end of that relationship I had vowed to not let that happen again, and I had become intolerant. It was a price that the women I had dated afterward had to pay. I had a sensitivity to be treated badly. It was clear that your demeanor towards me was not improving and only getting worse, for reasons I could not understand. After many days of tortuous thought, I had decided that I could not let it continue.

 

 

I confronted you and told you of my love and support for you, and that you didn't want either. I told you the way you were treating me was hurting me and that you didn't really care. You don't put people you care about on the back-burner, especially when they are hurting. I told you that nobody should be treated that way and that I was out. You managed to take the amazing relationship we had and, within a few short weeks, burn it to the ground. You seemed confused and not really understanding what had brought this on. You told me that you did care about me. At that point, I didn't know what to do. All I wanted was for you to care about me. Maybe your behavior was due to some reason that could be dealt with and repaired. But I should have kept to my instinct. Instead, I decided that I would not break from you again, no matter what. I felt our potential was too great and that it would be too much of a waste to ever give up on it. There was a time that you had asked me why I put up with you. My answer was simply that you were worth it. And you were.

 

 

Followed was weeks of constant analyzation of what the problem could be. My conclusion was that the relationship had grown in a direction that was no longer enjoyable to you; that perhaps it had gotten too big; that it was taking up too much of your life. This was difficult for me to accept since we had talked so much about building a life together and how lucky we were to have each other in our lives. So I thought that we needed to back to what had drawn us together in the first place; to get rid of the expectations and the pressure and just become friends again. I was eager to tell you.

 

 

After the night in Vegas, we went back to our room and got into our beds, I began telling you of my thoughts. You immediately changed your demeanor with a grin on your face and became instantly disconnected from me. You just said that we were suppose to wait, and you shut down any chance of a sincere discussion. But how can I wait when I am hurting now; that you keep hurting me now? All I was trying to convey was that you were hurting me and for you to realize it, and in doing so, not continue it.

 

 

Things continued to get worse as you lost any interest in what was going on with me. Though we were both going through issues with the program, any support from you was absent.

 

 

Graduation was coming up and we had to finish our song for the ceremony. We had some tracks recorded, but I believed that we could do better, and I thought you were in agreement. We agreed to record more the day after we had Passover Seder at your house. When I arrived, I told you that there was more equipment in my truck. You informed me that you did not want to record. I became very upset since we had discussed this and there were many opportunities for you to express this to me before this point. I asked you, "Then why am I here?" feeling that you were dismissing my opinion about the recordings as I felt you had dismissed so many other of my opinions. This wasn't just about the recording, it was about the state of the relationship. I was obviously upset and you just said to me, "Are you done pouting?" This only upset me more. I was eventually able to settle down and pull myself together. We spent the next eight hours together and had and amazing time. Even at the peak of the worst of times, we were still able to do this.

 

 

The next day I sent you a text apologizing for getting so upset and for possibly over reacting. Your reply was that you didn't need a "dissertation" every time a little something went wrong. I was stunned by the lack of empathy. Our relationship was built on vulnerability, understanding, and empathy. I told you that it was very upsetting when you asked me if I was done pouting. You said that the therapist had told you to just be blunt and that is what you were. It seemed like you felt that you were relieved of any responsibility to the effects. I said, that was not being blunt, it was mocking me. The texting conversation completely broke down and we decided that we needed help to move forward. We decided on having a session with your therapist.

 

 

Shortly after, you had asked for a session on Skype. You told me that you only wanted a friendship in which we got together and had a good time and that was it. I did not understand exactly what that meant. I was taken off guard and agreed to it, as any contact with you would be better than none.

 

 

Over the next few days, I was contemplating the situation. I was thinking how unusual it was that you breakup with your friends instead of just letting the relationships take their courses and fade away, if that was how it was to be. I also thought it unusual that your friends had never met each other; like they were kept away from each other; like you only needed one friend at a certain time for whatever needs you needed fulfilled at that time. It reminded me of the collection of video games you had. You only play one game at a time; you decide on which game to play depending on what you are feeling. When you are done playing, and have had your needs fulfilled, you exit the game without any emotional attachment. I did not want to become one of your video game friends. Our relationship had tremendous meaning and this would render it meaningless. I decided that our arrangement would deem our relationship too superficial.

 

 

The program was now over, and so was the long and tortuous wait to deal with our issues. I was very upset going into the therapy session, as I believed that we would be leaving with the relationship over. We discussed the issue of you hurting me over and over again. You said that you didn't feel you were being hurtful. Your therapist said that if someone is being hurt, then you are being hurtful. You seemed very confused by this. Your reply was that people hurt people in their own families; people get hurt so get over it. You said that you were not comfortable with talking about your feelings and that was mostly what I wanted to talk about. It was funny hearing you say that because pretty much the whole first year of our relationship was talking about our feelings. That's how we came together, and we were very happy doing so. The therapist asked me what I wanted from the relationship and I said that I wanted to be able to text you at any given moment with any silly thought; that I would like to come to you for support whenever I felt I needed it, and that I would be allowed to support you and be there for you. The therapist asked you if you would like to continue the relationship and you said yes. We talked about how you treated me at the clinical site, and you just said that you were acting like a schoolgirl. I don't know what that means. We had run out of time. Again, we never got to what the issue was that was causing all the turmoil. The only advice from the therapist was to go hangout. We had lunch together and had a really good time. Our chemistry and connection always won out.

 

 

A couple of days later you requested another Skype session. You had a very angry tone and you were letting me know that you were ending the relationship. I wasn't surprised but still couldn't believe it. For months you had been telling me that when the program was over we would deal with our issues. Now that the time had come, you just wanted to bail without making any effort or discovering what the issue even was. What was the point of the therapy session? I told you that I wanted to make the effort but I didn't want you to agree to it reluctantly and that you could take a few days. But you agreed to make the attempt. You told me that you were skeptical, though I didn't understand why.

 

 

A few days went by and you texted me that we should get together, which surprised me since I really didn't know what the next step would be. I thought that the last thing you really wanted to do was spend time with me. The day we were to get together, we were discussing plans and you just shut down. You said that you couldn't do this, and that we would have to reschedule. You were obviously triggered, which really upset me because now it felt like it was totally out of my control. But when we talked about it, you said that you were triggered because you felt that we were following our old patterns; that you would have to decide what we were doing without any input, and that you did not like being in control. I didn't really understand this because I was giving you input and suggestions. You said that we had decided and then I tried to change things. Again, I didn't understand, but we made plans to get together in a few days.

 

 

The next day you asked me why I was trying so hard. I told you that we were a freak accident that could not be repeated; that I loved talking to you because you understood concepts that other people couldn't; that we were both reasonable open minded people, and if we both wanted it to work, that there was no reason why it couldn't. I also told you of my newest theory for the reason for the turmoil. I believed that you had become uncomfortable with the relationship and that you pulled back. This left the relationship unbalanced because I didn't know to pull back also. This left tension and you felt the pressure from it and developed resentment toward me, which came out in the bad ways you were treating me. I don't know if this was actually the case because you did not offer confirmation or any other scenario. I also told you that I had come to the understanding that you did not want the type of friendship that we had had in the past, and that I realized now that we could still have and amazing relationship without being in each other's faces all the time.

 

 

We did get together and played a couple of rounds of miniature golf. The situation was a little awkward, but it was fun. Afterwards we had dinner and we fell back into our comfort zone and had a really good time. We walked outside and discussed what we were going to do next. This reminded me of the recent situation with the indecision and thought it best that we just end the day.

 

 

The next time we got together, you were coming to see me. I knew you liked hiking. I had a canoe and thought that canoeing would be like hiking except on water. I had also planned on us taking a walk through the park and going out for dinner. You told me that you couldn't stay long because you had made plans with your mother. We had fun and you stayed for a couple hours afterward and we had conversation.

 

 

Two weeks went by and I was going to start work in a few days so I told you that I would like to get together before hand, as it would be more difficult afterwards unless we did a weekend. You agreed. I told you that I just wanted to hang out without having to have something to do. We agreed to spend the day by your pool.

 

 

We hung by the pool immersed in our usual eclectic conversations. We then took a dip for a few more hours of conversation. We had dinner with your parents, watched a couple of episodes of Unbreakable, and ate ice cream. Another good time.

 

 

Another week and a half went by and our classmates were getting together for dinner. I was excited to see our other classmates, so I didn't pay my usual attention to you, which I figured you would appreciate. We had a good time and we all gave hugs at the end. But when we hugged, it seemed like you didn't really want to touch me.

 

 

Another two weeks went by and I thought I would see how you were doing. It was getting close to moving day for you. You texted me that you were severely depressed and that you didn't want to talk to anyone. I texted back, OK, but that if you changed your mind we could talk about it or something else.

 

 

Three days later I texted again to see how you were doing. It was a simple, "How are you?" I could tell right away that you were not really interested because of how indifferent you were being. I was asking a lot of questions and you were answering with very short answers with long spans of time between texts. So I pushed the issue. The bull**** had to end. I also could tell that the final conversation would be coming in a matter of days anyway. But I also left outs, in case you were just in a bad mood. I asked you if you were busy. You said no and became a little more attentive, but not really. I asked you if you were alright or if the depression was still lingering. You said you were frustrated with me. I said that I was just trying to have a conversation. You said I wasn't saying anything about what was going on with me or in my life. But I did tell you about things at work, thinking that you would be interested. You just ignored it like I didn't say anything. I said I've been asking questions and you haven't asked me anything. You asked spitefully, "How are you?" I asked if you were really interested. You asked what I wanted and I told you that I wanted it to work. At that point it just went to that you were done trying and that you were done. I replied that you never tried and that we could make it work if we both wanted it to. All of your efforts seemed insincere and were just token gestures to make yourself feel better about what you were doing; so you could say to yourself that you tried. I asked you what your issue was with me and that I wished you would be honest with me, which you took offense to. You said that I didn't get you and that I couldn't understand. This mirrored the things you had said about your last best friend. You had told me that your last best friend couldn't understand issues that you were having no matter what you did. You had told me that I was different because I had empathy and emotional intelligence. The fact of the matter was that there was no one on the planet that understood you better, less your therapist, and certainly no one has ever been as close to you.

 

 

So I sent her my final text:

 

 

"Your feelings are that you are done trying, but we never really tried. It is just not important enough to you. A relationship is so much more than having your needs being fulfilled. I gave you everything that I had. I believed that we were special. I believed that a once in a lifetime relationship would last a lifetime. How can you tell me all those things and just turn? That you never have had such a connection before. That if you believed in soulmates that I would be yours. If you see a guy sitting at a table by himself, do him a favor and let him eat alone. You have hurt me more than you will ever know. You have wrecked me. I love you."

 

 

And there you have it boys and girls. In the beginning I could do no wrong. I had no idea why she even liked me. In the end, I couldn't do any right. In the end I gave her everything that she asked for. I stopped talking about my emotions and I took all the pressure off. But it seems that pressure is rarely the problem. It is more likely to be a symptom of the real problem, which she never spoke to me about. Her armor was back up and I couldn't break through. I tried so hard but she just could not be reached. There was something in the way. I can now text any of my other classmates at any time, but I can never text her. How stupid is that? I don't know what she was so afraid of. I don't know what she was protecting herself from. I don't know what she was avoiding dealing with. It was like fighting a ghost. We used to say to each other that we fake it with everyone else, but when we are together we can be ourselves. I guess it was just to much for her to be so exposed. She'd rather go back to the safety of living her lie.

 

 

In the story, I spent very little time on the good parts. This is because it is still too difficult for me to relive the good parts of the relationship. I makes me realize how much I have lost and it is too painful. People who say that it is better to have loved and lost, haven't loved and lost like I have. I don't want you to think that she is a horrible person. She is quite the opposite. The person she became was not the real person. I had known the real person. She is the most ethical and moral person I had ever met. She is caring, considerate, and understanding. She amazed me with her intellect. She is funny and creative. She is interesting and has a different perspective than most. She is a talented writer, singer, and song writer. We had so much fun just talking. Before the turn she was open, nonjudgmental, empathetic, and attentive. And she is absolutely adorable. I don't know why she flipped on me.

 

 

It was 5 months from the first crack to the ending. There were still very joyous spans when I thought everything would be alright, but those spans became shorter and shorter as time went on. In between those spans was excruciating pain, anxiety, depression, and confusion. It has now been 4 weeks since the end. The first five days I actually did pretty well because I was dealing with the most recent situation, which was really bad. A small part of me actually felt relieved. Afterwards, I began dealing with the larger picture and how much I had actually lost. It has been crushing. When you are in such a great relationship, everything else loses its meaning. What car you drive, where you live, how much money you make, what you do for a living, all become meaningless because you have found something in life that is real and that really should be cherished. When you lose that relationship, the meaning doesn't return to those other things. Your whole life just has no meaning and there is no hope of it ever having any. It is hard to continue when you feel that way. Things like mail, bills, trash, food, all seem unimportant.

 

 

This a time in my life that I should be so happy. I started a new career after many years of school and hard work. I am doing something that I really enjoy and working at a place that I love. I have reached my goal. Yet everyday is torment. The job is actually doing me a lot of good. If it wasn't for it, I'm sure I wouldn't still be here. The days off are the hardest. I am just left with my thoughts without distractions. I have bad days and really bad days. I seem to swing back and forth from depression (the heart) to anger (the head). Though I am not an angry person and don't like that feeling, it feels so much better than the excruciating pain and debilitation of depression.

 

 

All I ever tried to do was to be her friend and to love her. Some warning signs were there, even in the beginning. The fact that she breaks-up with friends startled me, but we talked about it. She told me once that she felt that she was a horrible person because she could be such a bitch to her mother, who I adore. This might seem like a common occurrence to most mothers and daughters, at least at some point. But it scared me because we had plans on living together and I feared becoming a trigger and a target. And there was a time that we were playing pool and I said that we had to call our shots. She became very upset by this. But instead of expressing it, she shut down on me, and we had an awful time playing. Calling shots was not important to me at all. There was also the concern that when we started living together that she would withdraw from me when she became depressed. But these warning signs meant little to me because the draw was so great. Besides, at the time we had never had any kind of disagreement (except for playing pool which seemed minor), and I couldn't imagine us ever being angry with each other. What could ever be such an issue? She assured me that if we did ever have an issue that she was a receptive person.

 

 

I never blamed her. I made excuses for her. I blamed her condition. But now it is hard not to be angry. I feel abandoned and betrayed. She treated me like **** and threw me away like trash; like I was unimportant; like I was never important. I wasn't even worth a conversation so that I could have an understanding and to better cope. She knew what this would do to me. She knew of my issues and my over sensitivities, for which she was once empathetic of but became highly judgmental of. Yet a conversation was too much trouble for her. Never once did she ever apologize for anything that she ever did. This may be because she was certain in her thoughts and feelings and it might have been a mechanism to avoid any guilt and shame. But being certain just means you are closed minded, not excepting and not open to other perspectives, opinions, or even new information. I am not angry because of her feelings. I am angry because the way she went about it and how she could not recognize that it wasn't OK. Just tell me your feelings and we can deal with it. But she had erased our history from her mind and the intimacies that we shared. At best, in the end, she treated me like she barely knew me.

 

 

So I am not doing very well. Every day is a struggle. I am in constant conflict with my feelings. I am trying to come to terms with it; that I am still the same person that I have always been; that I still have a lot to offer, and that there is much good in my life, now and in the future. I have started therapy and I am contemplating going on meds because things are not improving. I get in places that I don't think I will return from. She seems to connect to people that are least equipped to handle these type of situations. I am one of those people. I wasn't the first, and I'm afraid, I won't be the last. I feel for those people. Like I told her in my last text to her, she has wrecked me. I am damaged beyond repair. It turned out that we are not the same. She turned into everyone else.

 

 

I don't expect to hear from her ever again, and I certainly will never contact her. I don't believe we could ever work (if only my heart could really believe that). Too much damage has been done. My heart would immediately open to her, but my head knows that I could never trust her again now that she has actually ended it. If she was unreachable once, she will be unreachable again. This is not something I could deal with.

 

 

I desperately want to better document the good parts of our relationship, because it is such an amazing story and she in an amazing person. Maybe someday I will have the strength.

 

 

"If you find that you love me, then tell me so. It's ok. You don't need to say it. I'll know." -reworked Fiona Apple lyrics

 

 

I am not made for this world. I don't belong here.

　

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[preraph]

"In the story, I spent very little time on the good parts. This is because it is still too difficult for me to relive the good parts of the relationship. I makes me realize how much I have lost and it is too painful."

 

 

Been there. Glad you're writing it out. That's what I did. Keep it and read it in 10 or 20 years along with the rest of your life story and you'll start to see patterns that might help you. Good luck.