Trigger after a long time without any

[Red123]

No contact! No reason!

 

That's what I thought. We can have feelings and thoughts that we don't have to act on. If I acted on every feeling and thought I had I would probably be in jail because I don't think my H would have made it through our first year of R.

[Lobe]

That's what I thought. We can have feelings and thoughts that we don't have to act on. If I acted on every feeling and thought I had I would probably be in jail because I don't think my H would have made it through our first year of R.

 

And I would have showed up on the OW's doorstep with a basket of socks and made her reclaim the ones she gave to my husband... :laugh:

[Red123]

And I would have showed up on the OW's doorstep with a basket of socks and made her reclaim the ones she gave to my husband... :laugh:

 

Hahaha. She gave him socks? How thoughtful lol.

[Lobe]

Hahaha. She gave him socks? How thoughtful lol.

 

and blowjobs... of course...

[Red123]

and blowjobs... of course...

 

Well a man can't live on socks alone. My poor H found a MOW who refused to even admit it was an A. She said affairs are cheap and dirty, they had a true deep connection. She didn't believe in sexual relations unless they were in love. She wanted romantic sex, apparently bjs were gross to her. She tried once and it didn't go well. In some of worst times it made me laugh that other affairs are so sexually charged and he found an AP who liked vanilla sex

Edited August 26, 2016 by Red123

[Lobe]

he found an AP who liked vanilla sex

 

Mine found one into fisting and facials... takes all kinds, right? lol

[BetrayedH]

Hi. Thank you. I'm much better for sure. You were such a big part of me getting through my first year of fear with reconciliation. I feel very confident now but as you know, I wasn't there at first. My husband should buy you a beer, some of your advice kept him alive:)

 

Glad I could help but the reality is that you two were the right formula for a successful reconciliation.

 

People screw up, Red. Pretty much all of us. Some worse than others.

 

Some are actually sorry for it. And for those that are truly remorseful, I think forgiveness is ok. Your H has done his best to earn it. He can't make up for all of it but he's done the best he could. Forgive him the rest.

 

Triggers will happen for you. Whatever. Shrug them off.

 

You're one of the lucky ones, my dear. You've got a man whose weakness was exposed. We all have them. He acknowledged it and made the best correction he could, and he embraced you and whatever was necessary to do his best to make it right.

 

We'd all be fortunate to have such a spouse. And he's damn lucky to have you.

 

[seren]

Socks and blowjobs sounds like a good title for a Country and Western song.

[Lobe]

Socks and blowjobs sounds like a good title for a Country and Western song.

 

I didn't know what I wanted

I didn't know my own heart

I needed someone who loved me

Even when I had to

 

I ain't the greatest romantic

She ain't so so tight after kids

I need my efforts be noted

By someone with higher tits

 

My wife she just don't get me no more

I gotta pull my ship on the shore and get

Some socks and blow jobs

Some socks and blow jobs

 

I tried to romance my wife

Rubbed my erection on her thigh

Can't really understand

Why she found a nicer guy

 

We used to find common ground

I used to care what the thunk

But now I'm self medicating

And don't care cuz I'm drunk

 

My wife she just don't get me no more

I gotta pull my ship on the shore and get

Some socks and blow jobs

Some socks and blow jobs

[Red123]

Glad I could help but the reality is that you two were the right formula for a successful reconciliation.

 

People screw up, Red. Pretty much all of us. Some worse than others.

 

Some are actually sorry for it. And for those that are truly remorseful, I think forgiveness is ok. Your H has done his best to earn it. He can't make up for all of it but he's done the best he could. Forgive him the rest.

 

Triggers will happen for you. Whatever. Shrug them off.

 

You're one of the lucky ones, my dear. You've got a man whose weakness was exposed. We all have them. He acknowledged it and made the best correction he could, and he embraced you and whatever was necessary to do his best to make it right.

 

We'd all be fortunate to have such a spouse. And he's damn lucky to have you.

 

 

Thank you so much. Your kind words really mean a lot. He is lucky lol. But I am too. Most of us only post the bad stuff so there is lots of good too, I just don't need any advice about that stuff. I'm glad you still check in here from time to time, I always appreciate what you have to say:)

[Red123]

I didn't know what I wanted

I didn't know my own heart

I needed someone who loved me

Even when I had to

 

I ain't the greatest romantic

She ain't so so tight after kids

I need my efforts be noted

By someone with higher tits

 

My wife she just don't get me no more

I gotta pull my ship on the shore and get

Some socks and blow jobs

Some socks and blow jobs

 

I tried to romance my wife

Rubbed my erection on her thigh

Can't really understand

Why she found a nicer guy

 

We used to find common ground

I used to care what the thunk

But now I'm self medicating

And don't care cuz I'm drunk

 

My wife she just don't get me no more

I gotta pull my ship on the shore and get

Some socks and blow jobs

Some socks and blow jobs

 

This made my night. You have a gift!!! The fisting needs a place in the song somewhere too lol.

[Lobe]

My wife she gave me my brown belt

Her butt could handle my wanker

Then my mistress let me fist her

What could I do but just thank her?

[ShatteredLady]

Socks & Blowjobs should be Love Shacks theme song! LOVE IT!!!

[Red123]

My wife she gave me my brown belt

Her butt could handle my wanker

Then my mistress let me fist her

What could I do but just thank her?

 

Perfect lol

[Lobe]

No

More

Mojitos.

 

My bad.

[road]

I didn't know what I wanted

I didn't know my own heart

I needed someone who loved me

Even when I had to

 

I ain't the greatest romantic

She ain't so so tight after kids

I need my efforts be noted

By someone with higher tits

 

My wife she just don't get me no more

I gotta pull my ship on the shore and get

Some socks and blow jobs

Some socks and blow jobs

 

I tried to romance my wife

Rubbed my erection on her thigh

Can't really understand

Why she found a nicer guy

 

We used to find common ground

I used to care what the thunk

But now I'm self medicating

And don't care cuz I'm drunk

 

My wife she just don't get me no more

I gotta pull my ship on the shore and get

Some socks and blow jobs

Some socks and blow jobs

 

Not bad but don't give up your day job and head to Nashville.

[BetrayedH]

No

More

Mojitos.

 

My bad.

 

I give up rum and cokes about twice a week.

[merrmeade]

H will see me suddenly go all inward looking and give me a hug, say sorry and on we go.

What we all want in R I'd venture - especially the "see me go all inward" part.

 

Touching post for me. Thank you.

[merrmeade]

Mine found one into fisting and facials... takes all kinds, right? lol

Ewwww. Imagine a facial being a trigger!

 

One of mine is cottonballs. Nevermind the explanation.

[merrmeade]

This - as per your usual, BH - great advice - especially the idea of forgiveness for the part they can't make up as well:

Glad I could help but the reality is that you two were the right formula for a successful reconciliation.

 

People screw up, Red. Pretty much all of us. Some worse than others.

 

Some are actually sorry for it. And for those that are truly remorseful, I think forgiveness is ok. Your H has done his best to earn it. He can't make up for all of it but he's done the best he could. Forgive him the rest.

...

You're one of the lucky ones, my dear. You've got a man whose weakness was exposed. We all have them. He acknowledged it and made the best correction he could, and he embraced you and whatever was necessary to do his best to make it right.

 

We'd all be fortunate to have such a spouse. And he's damn lucky to have you.

 

Bu-u-u-u-t, I can't go with you here:

Triggers will happen for you. Whatever. Shrug them off.

Some triggers - especially 2.5 years out - can be overwhelming. Shrug them off, BH???

 

I'd prefer to be told to take a hot bath or go write in your journal than to shrug it off. There are dozens of ways to dodge the bullet from a trigger that people have posted. Some of it reads like a practical advice list for getting over the flu; some of it works as well as anything else. But "shrug it off" is probably at the bottom.

[merrmeade]

Ride it out.

Well, I guess this is like "Shrug it off and it's just me then. I'd probably strangle someone that suggested this when I'm feeling triggered.

 

I mean, I see how in a way Lobe and BH are right, and that's all you can do in the end. What - are you going to hit Delete or Undo? And time does heal all wounds. But I think it feels like a fresh injury to be told to try and blow it off. Not only that, you feel like there's something wrong with you if you can't. It also makes a person feel ashamed for still having issues.

[Red123]

Well, I guess this is like "Shrug it off and it's just me then. I'd probably strangle someone that suggested this when I'm feeling triggered.

 

I mean, I see how in a way Lobe and BH are right, and that's all you can do in the end. What - are you going to hit Delete or Undo? And time does heal all wounds. But I think it feels like a fresh injury to be told to try and blow it off. Not only that, you feel like there's something wrong with you if you can't. It also makes a person feel ashamed for still having issues.

 

I see what you are saying but I think the advice they were giving was to not let it consume me. In my posts I talked a lot about these thoughts taking over and focussing heavily on them. So I believe the shrug it off was in reference to that and not letting the trigger have so much power, which for me right now is exactly what I need to do, I don't want to go back to that behaviour.

[merrmeade]

I see what you are saying but I think the advice they were giving was to not let it consume me. In my posts I talked a lot about these thoughts taking over and focussing heavily on them. So I believe the shrug it off was in reference to that and not letting the trigger have so much power, which for me right now is exactly what I need to do, I don't want to go back to that behaviour.

well, true, it's all in how you understand it what helps.

 

But isn't that what a trigger is (part in bold)?

 

All I know is that it also depends on who says it. If my WH said it or even the OW (because in my case she's a family member and did say it), I might be sentenced to life without parole in the aftermath.

 

Yes, I understand the other you said. There came a point for me that I desperately just wanted to heal and 'get off the couch' as I think of it - and did.

[Lobe]

Not sure about shrug it off but "ride it out" = don't let go.

[BetrayedH]

This - as per your usual, BH - great advice - especially the idea of forgiveness for the part they can't make up as well:Bu-u-u-u-t, I can't go with you here: Some triggers - especially 2.5 years out - can be overwhelming. Shrug them off, BH???

 

I'd prefer to be told to take a hot bath or go write in your journal than to shrug it off. There are dozens of ways to dodge the bullet from a trigger that people have posted. Some of it reads like a practical advice list for getting over the flu; some of it works as well as anything else. But "shrug it off" is probably at the bottom.

 

Perhaps my approach was indelicate. I'm also admittedly not the best advisor on triggers within a long-term reconciliation. My real point was simply to keep them in perspective, to not allow them to derail a successful reconciliation. They're going to happen; it's unavoidable. Just don't allow them to dominate your mind or consume too much of your time. Maybe my experience also colors my advice. I certainly still have triggers from time to time. I have no wayward to share the experience with me. Honestly, I've learned to shrug them off.

 

Perhaps in some reconciliations it's important to share your triggers, to process them together, and so forth. That may be especially true for those BSs with a WS that doesn't really "get it."

 

I'm not really sure that's the case with Red. And I'd hate to see her over-analyze this speed bump.

 

I do think there's (some) merit to Road's concern about NC. While I get that jobs are difficult to replace, I think an affair merits a dramatic amount of effort to recover. Breaches in NC are a threat to the marriage and they create anxiety in a BS. Red shouldn't be subjected to them and her H should ensure that she's not subjected to them. I think it's wise for her and her H to reconsider their choice about his workplace. But I trust that they'll make the best choice for them.