3 kids with 3 different dads

[Amelie1980]

Comments about how it happened aside, I wouldnt want to be with a man with 3 kids by 3 women.

 

Just too complicated juggling 3 exes and contact with 3 kids. If he had no contact with any of them, I would see that as even worse.

[longjohn]

Avoid like it's on fire and has a toxic waste sign at the entrance. Do not get sucked in with a woman like that or next thing you know your baby daddy number 4 paying her rent too. Hate to sound like an arse but we'll all adults we all know how not to get someone knocked up and females know how not to get themselves knocked up.

[Amelie1980]

Just wanting to check that you realise people still get pregnant with contraception, right? There's no certainty for avoiding pregnancy other than avoiding sperm coming into contact with the vagina.

 

Yes but with an implant the failure rate is less than one percent.

 

I have never been on hormonal BC and only use condoms even in a relationship lasting over a year. Condoms have a higher failure rate than an implant due to ripping, etc. I've never got pregnant using just condoms as BC.

 

For her to get pregnant 3 times whilst using contraception? Very unlikely. She should have had an implant fitted after the first child.

 

Where were all of her young children when she was out getting pregnant and dating again, I guess with her mom and dad. Nice.

[Omei]

Single mother here

 

My daughter is 9

 

Honestly the kids are of age where they know their mom is their sole caregiver and there is no dad in the picture they're too old to be calling a newcomer dad they know they're fatherless and it's unlikely you'll get to that status or having them see you as one unless the mother pushes for it and that would be messy and wrong.

 

All you have to be to her children is a kind friend nothing more if she expects more than that for her children at their ages I would run. The baby stage is over imo the window for a step in dad has closed.

 

All that being said while she may have made poor choices in the past, I have to question if getting pregnant was her way to try and hook a guy to stay with her in the past.

 

If she's grown now into this person you like why not try ? You said yourself she's very together has a place a job does it on her own that's very respectable she prob knows all too well she's judged for her past and tries hard to push forward by the time she's 40...3 kids arnt gonna seem like a big deal in the dating game. Unfortunately she had them young this prob puts a major killer on realstionships for her.

 

In the future if you would remain with this girl eventually you would live together and while you may not be daddy you would still have to split the costs, care and living with 3 children eventually if it ever got that serious but try to not freak yourself out too much about the future feelings grow what may seem like a huge deal now may not seem as big later.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Omei

[stillafool]

I would think that being a single mom of 3 kids with 3 different men that she should be so busy with her kids that dating should be the last thing on her mind. Hasn't she had enough already?

[Gaeta]

I don't see a problem. She looks like she has it together, she is in University, she is not on welfare, she sounds like a good mother? so what's the problem? In 10 years all this will have no importance.

 

I am Canadian like you. It's not in our habits to judge people, right? You judge her for who she is today, a young woman who's got her s4it together. Be aware some posters on here are highly conservative, nothing to do with the way we think in Canada.

 

I have 1 daughter. My ex-husband had 3 daughters with 3 different women. My daughter is the one in the middle. It did not define him as a person, he was a good father to all of his daughters. I have dated many men with children from different women. Again, It did not make them monsters, or unreliable.

[BaileyB]

It definitely sounds like she has made some very poor choices, and you have to wonder why the need to seek men's attention at such a young age. But, we all make mistakes in life and it's important not to hold that against someone forever. Given, her mistakes have had life-long consequences. But, it sounds like she has got her life together now and she is making smarter decisions. She has much better boundaries! IMO, you have to respect someone who takes responsibility and works hard to get her life together. If you take things slow, I don't see how it will be a problem. Over time, you will learn more about her decision making and maturity. Just take precaution because you really don't want to be daddy #4. Take care.

Edited August 18, 2016 by BaileyB

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know that I'd judging her for her prior choices as much as I'd be concerned over the possible complications of dealing with three separate men for at least as long as the children are minors, and possibly for the rest of my life.

 

 

Sounds like an unnecessary nuisance to me, and I'd likely pass.

[Amelie1980]

This thread wasnt to judge her choices. The question was: would you get involved....

 

HELL NO!

[hnrey]

For clarification on her circumstances....

 

Father #1 was also 13 when she got pregnant. He was in no place to raise a child or be around a child at 14, and his parents told him to stay out of it and move on with his life. They had sex a few times and didn't use contraception because they didn't know about it. They both came from Catholic families and went to a Catholic school. Sex education was "don't have sex you will go to hell". He never came back into the child's life because he felt like it was too late and didn't know what kind of father he would be. He thought no dad was better than a bad dad and didn't want to disrupt the child's life just to leave again if he couldn't handle it. He pays child support, more than he is required to, and keeps communication open in case contact ever wants to be made. He sends birthday and Christmas presents, without his name on them. She has tried to get him more involved but he has chosen not to and live on the other side of the country.

 

She did her best to look after that child but yes her mom did do most of the childrearing, and for the best. Really good kid now.

 

Father #2 is 12 years older than she is, so he was 30 when she got pregnant. He had an advantage over her being so much older. He is her friends brother (no longer friends). Most of her childhood he would touch her inappropriately when she went to their house. It started around age 6-7 and she started expecting it when she went over there. She said she hated it and liked it at the same time. When she was 17 he came onto her hard and manipulated his way in and convinved not to use condoms. When she got pregnant he ran. He hasn't paid child support and rarely sees the kid, which is for the better. He is only allowed supervised visits.

 

Father #3 is a guy who she was best friends with from pre-school and he supported her as a friend through all of this. They always had something between them but nothing came of it until baby #2 was born. He was good to her and her kids, he was there when baby #2 was born and acted as father for (maybe) a couple years. He said he would be a father to both of them and adopt them. She wasn't on birth control because she was breastfeeding. They used condoms every time and one time the condom broke . Pharmacy wouldn't give her plan b because she was breastfeeding. He wanted her to abort but she couldn't/wouldn't. She faded out after that. He has custody every other weekend, which he doesn't always use. She says he is a good dad but wasn't ready to give up his freedom. He does go to most school events and sports. He pays child support.

 

She didn't leave her kids to go out with him, he was always at her house with her.

 

She absolutely hates talking about it. When it does come up she either gets really embarrassed or cries. She hates being judged and some of what was said here would really hurt her if she read it. She says she is hestitant to have sex because she is terrified of pregnancy and doesn't want me to do a total 180. She has said she absolutely does not want another baby with another man, unless she gets married she would consider 1 more.

[Timshel]

hnrey should come back and update on his thoughts thus far.

 

Fourteen is very young to have a child. This is often/but not always/ indicative of some trauma.

 

Fast forward to the present...*most* people must be evaluated by present and current behavior/circumstances. Existence is never static.

 

Hnrey, you know her....you have to be perceptive of this young woman's demeanor and sincerity. This is something that we are incapable of evaluating on the internet.

 

It would be prudent to go slowly if you choose to continue a relationship. Introducing all children involved should be withheld until you know more surely her values and stability. Btw, I would hope that she is observing yours equally if not more so. She should. This particular situation requires diligence....which means that moving forward more slowly than what may be typical is ideal.

 

Assuming that both of you are keeping the best interest of both your children and that birth control is not left to chance....this is your choice dude. Keep your eyes wide open with your heart.

 

Please update your thoughts.

[angel.eyes]

It's truly sad that she had three teen pregnancies. She was 13, 17, and 19 at the time of conception. That's really an indictment of her circumstances and environment during her childhood and teen years. It's equally sad and tragic that we choose to condemn and penalize in numerous ways young mums who choose to keep their babies and raise them responsibly. They face a lifetime of consequences that neither the fathers involved nor women who opt for abortion do. Under the circumstances, she's making the best of what is a very tough situation. Admirable!

 

For someone entering the picture now, I think it's better that the dads are only marginally involved, if at all. No drama from jealous exes, no reconnecting with exes, etc.

 

OP, she's looking for a relationship. Four months in, you know enough about her character, personality, and circumstances to figure out whether that's something you want with her. As they say, poop or get off the pot. Don't waste her time if you have no interest in a relationship.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Wouldn't touch this one with a 10 foot pole... seriously? Had a kid at 14 and 18?

 

So probably got knocked up at 13 and 17...

 

Sexually active at 13? And 10 years ago? I have a son about that age, I can't imagine him getting laid, let alone being a father

Edited August 18, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[Gaeta]

She honestly is the nicest person. She doesn't come off as crazy. She comes off as embarrassed about her situation. She is smart, pretty, we get along very well, have a lot of the same tastes in movies, music, shows, activities, our parenting styles are similar, we have similiar goals and ambitions, she makes me very happy and brings out the better side of me.

 

Why would you want to give up on that? just because of 'what people may think'? It's not important what people think, what matters is that she rocks your world and enhance your life.

 

If she were full of drama I'd have a different advice but this sounds like a lady that has decided to turn her life around. Good for her!

 

Don't try to fix something that is not broken yet. So far there is no drama with the dads, she has her act together, and she makes you very happy. Enjoy!

[hnrey]

MORE INFO IN POST 53 (on her pregnancy circumstances).

 

I am trying to wrap my head around everything. It's a lot of thoughts and opinions to take in.

 

Yes, this is her first time dating since the conception of her last child. She did not go out searching for someone to date her, friends set us up. She was very unsure about it in the beginning and said she didn't expect me to be interested and didn't want to be a pity date. She didn't expect anything from me other than to see me run out the door. She said she doesn't expect anyone to want her.

 

She has been living by herself, taking care of herself and her kids, while working and going to school. That's a positive to me. She SEEMS like she has her life in order now. But who knows, I could be wrong.

 

She made poor choices, was dealt a sh*tty hand. We all do, hers are living and breathing, but we all make mistakes. Especially as teenagers.

 

Having three men that I have to deal with is something that I don't like, who would. So in that sense it is nice that they are not involved. Right now. That could change and it is the fathers right to walk back into her and her kids lives. I can't imagine how hard it would be to deal with 3 men if they make it as hard as possible.

 

Her kids are good kids. If she was a bad mother that wouldn't be the case. Her parents DO help her, but not any more than many other parents.

 

I don't want to be a person who asks for advice, ignores it all and later finds out those people were right all along. I don't want to be baby daddy #4. It doesn't seem like it will go down that path, but it's in the back of my mind.

 

I do really like HER. Who she is as a person, how she makes me feel and who we are together. That should be all that matters, right?

 

My parents are going to want to slap the stupid out of me when I tell them I am seeing a woman with 3 kids, let alone if they figure out it's 3 different fathers. The last bit is non of their concern at this point but lord knows parents figure it all out.

[dpass]

For clarification on her circumstances....

 

Father #1 was also 13 when she got pregnant. He was in no place to raise a child or be around a child at 14, and his parents told him to stay out of it and move on with his life. They had sex a few times and didn't use contraception because they didn't know about it. They both came from Catholic families and went to a Catholic school. Sex education was "don't have sex you will go to hell". He never came back into the child's life because he felt like it was too late and didn't know what kind of father he would be. He thought no dad was better than a bad dad and didn't want to disrupt the child's life just to leave again if he couldn't handle it. He pays child support, more than he is required to, and keeps communication open in case contact ever wants to be made. He sends birthday and Christmas presents, without his name on them. She has tried to get him more involved but he has chosen not to and live on the other side of the country.

 

She did her best to look after that child but yes her mom did do most of the childrearing, and for the best. Really good kid now.

 

Father #2 is 12 years older than she is, so he was 30 when she got pregnant. He had an advantage over her being so much older. He is her friends brother (no longer friends). Most of her childhood he would touch her inappropriately when she went to their house. It started around age 6-7 and she started expecting it when she went over there. She said she hated it and liked it at the same time. When she was 17 he came onto her hard and manipulated his way in and convinved not to use condoms. When she got pregnant he ran. He hasn't paid child support and rarely sees the kid, which is for the better. He is only allowed supervised visits.

 

Father #3 is a guy who she was best friends with from pre-school and he supported her as a friend through all of this. They always had something between them but nothing came of it until baby #2 was born. He was good to her and her kids, he was there when baby #2 was born and acted as father for (maybe) a couple years. He said he would be a father to both of them and adopt them. She wasn't on birth control because she was breastfeeding. They used condoms every time and one time the condom broke . Pharmacy wouldn't give her plan b because she was breastfeeding. He wanted her to abort but she couldn't/wouldn't. She faded out after that. He has custody every other weekend, which he doesn't always use. She says he is a good dad but wasn't ready to give up his freedom. He does go to most school events and sports. He pays child support.

 

She didn't leave her kids to go out with him, he was always at her house with her.

 

She absolutely hates talking about it. When it does come up she either gets really embarrassed or cries. She hates being judged and some of what was said here would really hurt her if she read it. She says she is hestitant to have sex because she is terrified of pregnancy and doesn't want me to do a total 180. She has said she absolutely does not want another baby with another man, unless she gets married she would consider 1 more.

 

Ok. This is what you need to be paying more attention to.

 

Really, it starts with baby daddy #2 - not the first one. Everything can be traced back to him.

 

He is 12 YEARS older than your GF (or whatever she, for the sake of this post, she's your GF). When you are a 17-18 year old teenager that is a massive age gap, let alone when there has been sexual abuse and manipulation. At the very least he molested a child and later - as you put it - convinced her to have sex with him sans protection.

 

Many people who are sexually abused as children do venture into sex earlier. Hence, her having sex at 13. Heck, when I was 13 I didn't even know what sex was or what masturbation was. All I knew was that it felt good when I rubbed against a pillow.

 

This isn't a woman who slept with man after man trying to get knocked up to trap a man. This is a woman who slept with men at a very young age, because she thought that is just what you do.

 

Irrelevant of everything, I would not feel comfortable having my child around or the slight possibility to be around, a pedophile. That is what baby daddy #2 is. There is a reason he has supervised visits. You have a child, do you want a pedophile to have access to them? If you marry, he will.

[grays]

OP, I just keep thinking about how much you seem to like her. I was married for 25 years and have been single for the last two, so I don't have a ton of dating experience, but I have made good use of my time these two years and have had a ton of guys I've only had 1/2/3 dates with because it is so hard to find one I feel excited about. If I felt for someone like it sounds you feel for her I'd be over the moon and I wouldn't want to lose them.

 

For me, I wouldn't see that history as "red flags" but I would want to put some serious thought into how your lives will be if you're together. Obviously starting out with four children. But I don't think it's an insurmountable obstacle.

 

As for dealing w baby daddies, it sounds pretty well under control to me. Of course there might be issues in the future, but there may not and it seems very likely it'll work out one way or the other. There is no reason to believe (though you obviously have more info and can make a better call than I) that pedophile daddy will be a threat to your child. If you're living together you will make rules together and you don't have to allow him in your home. (My ex, who is not a prdophile or in any way dangerous has 50% custody of my 7 and 12 year olds, but he has never once seen the inside of my apartment that I've lived in for more than a year because I don't want him anywhere near me. It hasn't been that big of a deal at all. When he picks them up I open the door and send them out.) It sounds to me like she has actually been pretty good at setting boundaries.

[JewelD]

For clarification on her circumstances....

 

Father #1 was also 13 when she got pregnant. He was in no place to raise a child or be around a child at 14, and his parents told him to stay out of it and move on with his life. They had sex a few times and didn't use contraception because they didn't know about it. They both came from Catholic families and went to a Catholic school. Sex education was "don't have sex you will go to hell". He never came back into the child's life because he felt like it was too late and didn't know what kind of father he would be. He thought no dad was better than a bad dad and didn't want to disrupt the child's life just to leave again if he couldn't handle it. He pays child support, more than he is required to, and keeps communication open in case contact ever wants to be made. He sends birthday and Christmas presents, without his name on them. She has tried to get him more involved but he has chosen not to and live on the other side of the country.

 

She did her best to look after that child but yes her mom did do most of the childrearing, and for the best. Really good kid now.

 

Father #2 is 12 years older than she is, so he was 30 when she got pregnant. He had an advantage over her being so much older. He is her friends brother (no longer friends). Most of her childhood he would touch her inappropriately when she went to their house. It started around age 6-7 and she started expecting it when she went over there. She said she hated it and liked it at the same time. When she was 17 he came onto her hard and manipulated his way in and convinved not to use condoms. When she got pregnant he ran. He hasn't paid child support and rarely sees the kid, which is for the better. He is only allowed supervised visits.

 

Father #3 is a guy who she was best friends with from pre-school and he supported her as a friend through all of this. They always had something between them but nothing came of it until baby #2 was born. He was good to her and her kids, he was there when baby #2 was born and acted as father for (maybe) a couple years. He said he would be a father to both of them and adopt them. She wasn't on birth control because she was breastfeeding. They used condoms every time and one time the condom broke . Pharmacy wouldn't give her plan b because she was breastfeeding. He wanted her to abort but she couldn't/wouldn't. She faded out after that. He has custody every other weekend, which he doesn't always use. She says he is a good dad but wasn't ready to give up his freedom. He does go to most school events and sports. He pays child support.

 

She didn't leave her kids to go out with him, he was always at her house with her.

 

She absolutely hates talking about it. When it does come up she either gets really embarrassed or cries. She hates being judged and some of what was said here would really hurt her if she read it. She says she is hestitant to have sex because she is terrified of pregnancy and doesn't want me to do a total 180. She has said she absolutely does not want another baby with another man, unless she gets married she would consider 1 more.

 

You posted that you were considering her situation to be a red flag. I'm sure she'd also be hurt about that and the fact that you are talking about her situation to people she doesn't know, but that's neither here nor there.

 

You sound very defensive of her, and yet you knew this entire story before you posted and you still considered her situation to be a possible red flag.

 

I don't believe her situation makes her a bad partner but it also does not make her the most desirable partner, hence why you're here having doubts.

 

Regardless of whose fault it is, that's a lot of baggage to deal with. Someone with emotional issues and three children by three different men and basically living with her mother (who is seriously lacking in the parenting department for all of this to have transpired in her home).

 

You're trying to make it sound like she essentially had no choice but to get pregnant and was bamboozled into it every time which isn't true (outside of the child abuse). She had an active role in her situation.

 

I would question how much of what she is telling you is even the truth. I'm sure she knows it looks bad and she might be embellishing a bit to make the situation seem better.

 

I wouldn't get involved with a man in that situation. I wouldn't care how it came to be because that doesn't change that he has 3 kids with 3 different women.

[William]

After deleting the majority of this thread, I'll remind everyone that this should be focused on the Op's situation based on the facts that they have presented. For those that missed them, those facts are posted here.

 

This is not a general topic on the perceived character of single mothers who have children from multiple partners.

 

Thread will remain closed pending a response from the OP who may use the Alert Us function to request it reopened ~T