3 kids with 3 different dads

August 18, 2016

I am 27 and I was introduced to a 24 year old woman through friends. She just started dating so it was a bit awkward at first. We hit it off really well and have gone on 1-3 dates a week for the last 4 months. She wants to make it official and I normally would as well. Usually I wouldn't wait that long before "locking it down". Here is the thing that is holding me back. She has kids. 3 of them, all with different dads.

She had the first when she was 14, the second when she was 18, and the third when she was 20. They all have different fathers.

-Daddy #1 of the 10 year old isn't in the picture but pays child support. He gets pictures and sees her every few years. They are on good terms, he just wasn't ready - at 14. They never speak, she only sends emails with pictures once or twice a year.

-Daddy #2 of the 6 year old is allowed 4 hours twice a month, he rarely uses it, doesn't pay child support. They are not on good terms, rarely speak, she mostly goes through his wife.

-Daddy #3 of the 4 year old has every other weekend, doesn't always use it, pays child support. They are on ok terms, talk regarading the child and upcoming events.

We haven't had sex yet, she won't until we're a couple, but she does have an implant in her arm. She said if we have sex condoms are a must, in addition to her implant.

I love kids. I have a son myself, from an ex that tried to trap me - but that's another story. 3 kids with 3 dads at 24 is a red flag. She has come far from that. She graduated high school on time, is in university, she works and doesn't live off welfare - though she does get child tax like most parents in Canada, for her it's almost $2000 a month. Her mom owns a house that is a legal duplex. So she lives downstairs and this girl I'm seeing lives upstairs. Totally separated and she pays rent but her mom is there for help.

She honestly is the nicest person. She doesn't come off as crazy. She comes off as embarrassed about her situation. She is smart, pretty, we get along very well, have a lot of the same tastes in movies, music, shows, activities, our parenting styles are similar, we have similiar goals and ambitions, she makes me very happy and brings out the better side of me.

Just the fact that she has 3 baby daddies at 24 is what holds me back. That she let that happen and has this extra drama in her life.

Should I just get over it? Or am I a POS for even thinking about this as a red flag? Or should I run even though it's otherwise great?

Edited August 18, 2016 by hnrey

August 18, 2016

Personally, I would not get involved.

August 18, 2016

Steer clear. Sounds like she works fast and burns out just as fast. Plus unless she is pulling down a lot of money, are you prepared to fund 4 kids and a gf? That's likely what will happen.

August 18, 2016

I think you are being smart. This is a HUGE red flag honestly. Although I don't have personal experience with this, I have some guy friends who have an ex-girlfriend with a similar story. Children by different dads. The couple guys I know in this situation think the woman is great, nice, a good mother but nobody they would want to date or would recommend their friends to date.

4 months is still pretty early on. You guys haven't had sex yet either which makes me wonder how much you know about her outside of the dates you have? I'm not saying because of her past she cannot have a boyfriend or be a great partner to someone ever in her life but there's two things that seem like a strong indication you should not get involved with her.

1. She doesn't have a good relationship with her ex-partners. Two of them don't sound like they want to be involved in their children's lives much. This shows she tends to be attracted to guys who are not decent men and I think there's more to the story than just these guys being total jerks. We've all dated jerks but having kids with 3 guys like that seems pretty odd.

2. She sounds like she should be more focused on being a mother than being in a relationship. 3 young children and she has time for dating! She's 24. I would figure a woman of that age would be concerned about raising her children and focused on her career/education than having a boyfriend (especially given her history!).

Look if this woman was older, already in an established career, and the history of this was 10 years ago, I'd say it's not a big deal anymore and just a minor red flag. However she had a child just a mere 4 years ago which is pretty recent. She may not be ready or have the maturity for a committed relationship at this stage. Obviously it's your call but I would personally not get involved with her.

Also keep in mind she may just be looking for a guy to help support her and raise her kids. Personally, I think you are better off finding a woman you are sure wants to be with you for YOU and would be a good mother to your own child. From your post, it sounds like she may just be looking for a good support for her family and that's it. Something about this situation seems very, very off.

Edited August 18, 2016 by mbee

August 18, 2016

At first I was worried about her just wanting someone to support her and her kids financially. She is very adamant on alternating who pays or splitting the bill. We go on a lot of dates that don't cost money, because that's what she wants. Between her income, child support and child benefit she would have about $3700 a month. The city we live in has subsidized daycare for people who make under 60K a year. So I know she pays nothing for daycare.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say I can't know her if we haven't had sex. We have gone on a lot of dates and we talk a lot. I know a lot about her history. I have met her kids once, casually at a zoo with my child. She doesn't want to have sex until we are in a relationship, which she is hinting at. That gets kids more involved, which is something I don't want to do if I'm not sure.

Bad relationships with her kids fathers is a red flag that I don't like. I don't have a good relationship with my ex though, so who am I to judge. Granted, my ex is a batsh*t crazy, druggie who poked holes in condoms and put used condoms inside her.

I do know the history behind the ex's, but probably don't want to write a novel.

I am the first person that she has dated, and it's only because friends intro'd us. She says she has time now because her kids are all in school. She does most of her classes online so there is a bit more freedom there. But yea, it is a lot on her plate. We don't have long dates or overnights.

I honestly feel bad. She is a really great girl, I don't want to see her alone because of her past.

August 18, 2016

You also have kids yourself without being married. Do you think you are much different than her? Is it because you only have one kid and she has three?

I think it's very irresponsible for her, but I'm just not too sure you are very responsible yourself either

August 18, 2016

You also have kids yourself without being married. Do you think you are much different than her? Is it because you only have one kid and she has three?
I think it's very irresponsible for her, but I'm just not too sure you are very responsible yourself either

I was married when I had my son. Having kids isn't the issue, it's that they all have different fathers. My son was created because my ex lied about birth control, poked holes in condoms and emptied used condoms inside her, to get me to marry her.

August 18, 2016

I was married when I had my son. Having kids isn't the issue, it's that they all have different fathers.

Most people will have a problem with the "having three fathers" thing, you will not be a POS if you choose to end. But doesnt look like you will break it off because of this?

you don't need to rush into anything with her. Take it slow and see how she really is. It's not entirely impossible that she has changed and delveoped as a person.

August 18, 2016

I am 27 and I was introduced to a 24 year old woman through friends. She just started dating so it was a bit awkward at first. We hit it off really well and have gone on 1-3 dates a week for the last 4 months. She wants to make it official and I normally would as well. Usually I wouldn't wait that long before "locking it down". Here is the thing that is holding me back. She has kids. 3 of them, all with different dads.

She had the first when she was 14, the second when she was 18, and the third when she was 20. They all have different fathers.

-Daddy #1 of the 10 year old isn't in the picture but pays child support. He gets pictures and sees her every few years. They are on good terms, he just wasn't ready - at 14. They never speak, she only sends emails with pictures once or twice a year.
-Daddy #2 of the 6 year old is allowed 4 hours twice a month, he rarely uses it, doesn't pay child support. They are not on good terms, rarely speak, she mostly goes through his wife.
-Daddy #3 of the 4 year old has every other weekend, doesn't always use it, pays child support. They are on ok terms, talk regarading the child and upcoming events.

We haven't had sex yet, she won't until we're a couple, but she does have an implant in her arm. She said if we have sex condoms are a must, in addition to her implant.

I love kids. I have a son myself, from an ex that tried to trap me - but that's another story. 3 kids with 3 dads at 24 is a red flag. She has come far from that. She graduated high school on time, is in university, she works and doesn't live off welfare - though she does get child tax like most parents in Canada, for her it's almost $2000 a month. Her mom owns a house that is a legal duplex. So she lives downstairs and this girl I'm seeing lives upstairs. Totally separated and she pays rent but her mom is there for help.

She honestly is the nicest person. She doesn't come off as crazy. She comes off as embarrassed about her situation. She is smart, pretty, we get along very well, have a lot of the same tastes in movies, music, shows, activities, our parenting styles are similar, we have similiar goals and ambitions, she makes me very happy and brings out the better side of me.

Just the fact that she has 3 baby daddies at 24 is what holds me back. That she let that happen and has this extra drama in her life.

Should I just get over it? Or am I a POS for even thinking about this as a red flag? Or should I run even though it's otherwise great?

She is smart -- All evidence to the contrary . . .

She said if we have sex condoms are a must, in addition to her implant/B] -- It appears she is at least taking steps to prevent another unplanned pregnancy and careful about STD's. That, however, doesn't mean she has changed her ways in terms of having perhaps indiscriminate sex. I mean, she apparently has difficulty saying no to men. So, you may find yourself either being cheated on or dumped for a new guy.

However, I think you'd be wise to be forward-thinking and envision a future with her and what that would look like. Can you help raise 3 kids that aren't yours and would likely be providing at least some support for and do you want children of your own? That's gonna be quite a lot to take on.

August 18, 2016

None of this sounds good.

Don't fall into the ego trap that you can "rescue her."

August 18, 2016

I'd rather drink a glass of sand.

August 18, 2016

At first I was worried about her just wanting someone to support her and her kids financially. She is very adamant on alternating who pays or splitting the bill. We go on a lot of dates that don't cost money, because that's what she wants. Between her income, child support and child benefit she would have about $3700 a month. The city we live in has subsidized daycare for people who make under 60K a year. So I know she pays nothing for daycare.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say I can't know her if we haven't had sex. We have gone on a lot of dates and we talk a lot. I know a lot about her history. I have met her kids once, casually at a zoo with my child. She doesn't want to have sex until we are in a relationship, which she is hinting at. That gets kids more involved, which is something I don't want to do if I'm not sure.

Bad relationships with her kids fathers is a red flag that I don't like. I don't have a good relationship with my ex though, so who am I to judge. Granted, my ex is a batsh*t crazy, druggie who poked holes in condoms and put used condoms inside her.

I do know the history behind the ex's, but probably don't want to write a novel.

I am the first person that she has dated, and it's only because friends intro'd us. She says she has time now because her kids are all in school. She does most of her classes online so there is a bit more freedom there. But yea, it is a lot on her plate. We don't have long dates or overnights.

I honestly feel bad. She is a really great girl, I don't want to see her alone because of her past.

She will not be alone because of her past. She clearly has no issues finding guys regardless of her past. I mean you are willingly dating her so there is evidence she will not be alone.

The bigger question is if this woman is compatible with the lifestyle you want to have. You said you have a kid. Personally if I was in this situation, dating a guy who had 3 different children by 3 different mothers. We were dating for 4 months. I would be worried about the following:

1. Is this a good person I'd want my child to be around? Is this a lifestyle I was to promote as being healthy to my own child? Do I want my kid to have to witness other children not having a good relationship with their own mothers and dealing with this drama.

2. This woman has made the exact same mistake, not once, twice but 3 times. She clearly has a tough time learning from her mistakes, and these aren't little mistakes, these mistakes resulted in children. You say she's the nicest person ever. What kind of woman would ever put her children in this situation? Again, things happen, but the fact that these mistakes happened and she has children who need her to be there for them and support them shows me she's not as nice as you think and sounds pretty selfish.

3. Yes you had ONE crazy ex. Like I said we've all dated jerks, but to my knowledge, not that many people have multiple crazy exes that have caused lifelong implications such as children. You've said it yourself, the bad relationships with her exes is a big red flag. You say she's nice and all this but again, do you really know her? I made my comment about the sex not because sex matters in knowing someone, but it does imply you guys haven't spent a weekend away together or have had overnight dates or had very long dates (which you mentioned above). 4 months is a short period of time of knowing someone. People with that much drama in their life are typically a bit dramatic themselves. There's a reason she has 3 different crazy exes... and it's not because she has had horrible luck. Just be careful labeling her as smart, super nice and all this. You are still learning about her. 4 months is not long.

She's 24 and and an adult. She may have had a child at 14 but that was 10 years ago. She made adult decisions with her last 2 exes that resulted in children and again, that tells you she's really not all that smart, repeats the same mistakes, etc.

It's your call. Personally I would not take the risk. Given you have a child you need to be especially careful about the women you invite into your own life. A person with this many issues is someone you need to be wary about.

Anyway, the bigger question is why are you not dating other people? I'm wondering if you feel attached to this girl because you think you can't find someone more compatible or you have been single for awhile and she's the first person you've dated in awhile? I may be wrong so my apologies if that's not the case.

If I were in your position, I'd move on but if you cannot I'd be casually dating other people and tell this woman that you want to take things very slow and do not want a committed relationship just yet. Given her past, she should be relieved that you would want to take it slow so she can focus on being a good mother and her studies. Yes her kids are at school now, but being a mom is still a full-time job.

Also if you continue to date her, please be realistic. She's not that smart given her past mistakes. She's not that nice given she put her children in horrible positions that will affect them for the rest of their lives. She's probably dramatic and a little crazy (although you may not have seen that side yet) because she's dated at least 3 guys like that. Dramatic situations evolve from two people, not one. Believing she's none of those things is living in denial. For the sake of yourself and your family, please be realistic.

August 18, 2016

I feel awful for her. Sounds to me like there were accidents and decisions, made at very young ages, that made her technically unlovable according to everyone who's posted so far.

Of course I never agree with normal people, but... it sounds to me like you really like her and that she's aware of her mistakes and working on making a better life. I'm impressed that she's able to live alone taking care of three young children and go to school. And it sounds like she hasn't been running around and is taking dating pretty cautiously. I think you should be open to just accepting her as she is, not perfect but sounds pretty awesome and reliable and lovable.

August 18, 2016

I feel awful for her. Sounds to me like there were accidents and decisions, made at very young ages, that made her technically unlovable according to everyone who's posted so far.

Of course I never agree with normal people, but... it sounds to me like you really like her and that she's aware of her mistakes and working on making a better life. I'm impressed that she's able to live alone taking care of three young children and go to school. And it sounds like she hasn't been running around and is taking dating pretty cautiously. I think you should be open to just accepting her as she is, not perfect but sounds pretty awesome and reliable and lovable.

How is 18 and 20 a very young age? At 18 and 20 I understood the concept of using contraception such as birth control pills and condoms. Most women in the Western world in this age bracket do. This woman did not undergo a traumatic experience that she was physically unable to get away from. There's a reason these stories are very rare to hear about... she made ill-informed and stupid decisions. I feel awful for her children who did not choose this life, but not awful for this particular woman who did not use contraception.

August 18, 2016

Of course she's insisting on splitting everything now..she's not pregnant with your kid yet.

She's either really devious or really dumb..either way, not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with.

August 18, 2016

The thing that would concern me are the two kids whose dads are not in the picture. Yes, I'm sure you could be a great father to them but no one can take the place of their actual fathers.

This, most likely, will leave a hole in their lives. You may not see the repercussions of this now, but I would be concerned as they get older.

I think you need to be prepared for some possible difficult teen and early adult years with her kids.

August 18, 2016

Didn't you know about the 3 kids, 3 fathers thing before you started seeing each other?

No-one can deny this is a red flag, of course it is! But, as another poster said, this does not mean she is undeserving of love. You mentioned you are her first dating experience after the birth of her youngest son, which meant she waited 4 years and until all the kids were in school. You also said that SHE is insisting on doubling up on contraception when you have kids (which you should absolutely insist on also) and she wants to wait to have sex. All this points to good stuff that indicates that she is working on bettering her life. She made mistakes and questionable decisions, no doubt about it and she has to live with the consequences. Pretty big consequences!

The debate isn't really about what she did wrong, it's about whether you can deal with it. Other posters have gone into depth about what this can mean for your future so I won't go there. You can stay and deal with it or you can leave. No-one would blame you for leaving! BUT, you need to make this decision and I would say, you should have made it some time ago. This isn't some new information you just found out, I'm assuming you knew it from the beginning. If it was a deal breaker for you (and it is a perfectly reasonable deal breaker), you shouldn't have started dating her. Feelings on both sides are getting involved and that makes it messy. If you can't deal with it, let her find someone who can. She'll have a tough job of it but that's just another of the consequences she needs to deal with.

August 18, 2016

Massive red flag.

Children by one father/ mother - OK nothing going on here just unfortunate it didn't work out.

Children by two fathers/ mothers - I would not be happy and would not want to get involved.

Children by three fathers/ mothers - forget it. Completely irresponsible behavior. You are likely to end up being number four before going on to number five...

You are not being a douche here. You are being sensible.

Yes she is trying to sort herself out but she could have done that with child one... she is a girl who is not learning her lessons. Add on she is still very young... Nope...

August 18, 2016

How is 18 and 20 a very young age? At 18 and 20 I understood the concept of using contraception such as birth control pills and condoms. Most women in the Western world in this age bracket do. This woman did not undergo a traumatic experience that she was physically unable to get away from. There's a reason these stories are very rare to hear about... she made ill-informed and stupid decisions. I feel awful for her children who did not choose this life, but not awful for this particular woman who did not use contraception.

I'm not sure this is actually true - that most women of 18 to 20 understand contraception. There are loads of unwanted and unplanned pregnancies. There are pregnancies that occur even when people use contraception. Contraception is not an exact science. I know a lot of older people who rely on contraception, and don't understand the risks involved (they simply believe they won't get pregnant). Let's also not forget how many people depend on the morning after pill as their contraception, or use the pull-out method.

August 18, 2016

Sounds like a lot of baggage and a lot of people to keep happy, should you decide to go on this trip.

I guess the fathers are still pretty young so that will complicate any relationships they may have with their children atm.

But just because they appear pretty hands off now, doesn't mean they won't come back into her life demanding stuff as regards their kids, later on.

She appears to have got over "the madness" and is carving out a decent life for herself and her children, so kudos to her for that.

I think she definitely deserves more chances in life, so those who label her crazy or unintelligent or devious I think are being unfair, judgemental and too harsh, but you do need to keep your head out of the sand here, there IS a lot of reality to be faced.

Whether you date her and get involved here or not, is a huge decision to make, and one that you are rightly thinking a lot about.

Most young couples want kids of their own and as you already have 4 children between you, who is going to pay for any more?

It is definitely not impossible, and people have made worse situations work very well, but there is a lot of baggage and no-one could criticise you for staying well clear.

August 18, 2016

Sounds like a lot of baggage and a lot of people to keep happy, should you decide to go on this trip.
I guess the fathers are still pretty young so that will complicate any relationships they may have with their children atm.
But just because they appear pretty hands off now, doesn't mean they won't come back into her life demanding stuff as regards their kids, later on.

She appears to have got over "the madness" and is carving out a decent life for herself and her children, so kudos to her for that.
I think she definitely deserves more chances in life, so those who label her crazy or unintelligent or devious I think are being unfair, judgemental and too harsh, but you do need to keep your head out of the sand here, there IS a lot of reality to be faced.

Whether you date her and get involved here or not, is a huge decision to make, and one that you are rightly thinking a lot about.
Most young couples want kids of their own and as you already have 4 children between you, who is going to pay for any more?

It is definitely not impossible, and people have made worse situations work very well, but there is a lot of baggage and no-one could criticise you for staying well clear.

Lovely post, Elaine. Completely agree.

I don't see red flags. Clearly she has changed, and can't eternally be punished for, what other people feel are, mistakes forever.

-She's being responsible with contraception

-She's earning the money to raise her kids, and setting a good example to them of a working mum

-She's a responsible mum, from what it seems

4 children is a lot to handle generally. Young children are especially difficult, because they lack independence. Rather than concerning yourself with who is the father of the kids, I reckon you should focus on the ages of the kids, whether being around so many kids is too much for you, and whether you both want more kids in future (I'm assuming she doesn't, and assuming you do).

August 18, 2016

How is 18 and 20 a very young age? At 18 and 20 I understood the concept of using contraception such as birth control pills and condoms. Most women in the Western world in this age bracket do. This woman did not undergo a traumatic experience that she was physically unable to get away from. There's a reason these stories are very rare to hear about... she made ill-informed and stupid decisions. I feel awful for her children who did not choose this life, but not awful for this particular woman who did not use contraception.

If anything a teenager has a better knowledge of birth control than an older adult. Sex ed in school, lots of information regarding. She has also had a child at 14. Contraceptive advice was most likely given to her and discussed with her so it didnt happen again. And yet, it did. On not one but two more occasions. Then when she had another child, I dont believe drs didnt talk to her about contraception after her second child. And it happened again.

It seems deliberate or at least very careless. Why didnt she get an implant after the first or second child. That is, if she even has an implant now.

August 18, 2016

If anything a teenager has a better knowledge of birth control than an older adult. Sex ed in school, lots of information regarding. She has also had a child at 14. Contraceptive advice was most likely given to her and discussed with her so it didnt happen again. And yet, it did. On not one but two more occasions. Then when she had another child, I dont believe drs didnt talk to her about contraception after her second child. And it happened again.

It seems deliberate or at least very careless. Why didnt she get an implant after the first or second child. That is, if she even has an implant now.

Just wanting to check that you realise people still get pregnant with contraception, right? There's no certainty for avoiding pregnancy other than avoiding sperm coming into contact with the vagina.

August 18, 2016

She is not the only teenager to have had multiple pregnancies.

The difference being that most in that situation just get an abortion, so they enter the dating arena with no baggage, or no visual baggage anyway.

August 18, 2016

Just don't be foolish enough to become Baby Daddy #4. She sounds like a brood mare.

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