fight or flight Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) I have been somewhat seeing this woman for almost a year now. See this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/587732-disheartened-heartland-america-new-relationship-after-divorce As I have mentioned she is a very, very private woman and has expressed many times that she does not want to get hurt. She had an awful divorce, and has stressed to me that she is not easy to open her heart to. But, when we met last year we fell in love fast and she opened up to me very quickly. A trust grew between us, and we were in love. The problem was that I was still going through my divorce. She expressed concerns about being a transitional woman many times (although not using that language. The divorce was final a few months ago, but all the while I felt nothing but true adoration and affection for her. Oddly, the closer the divorce got, the further she seemed. The communication became less, but still daily. It is also important to note again that she is pretty much busy with her kids and family 90% of the time which leaves her very little time to communicate. I understand and respect this greatly. The thing with me is that I enjoy writing to her. In the beginning we were writing nice, romantic email letters to each other. There was a point in the winter where her guilt kicked in with me being married, and she stopped. I kept going. Every 2 weeks I would write to her, knowing that she would not write back. She always appreciated the letters, and said so. It has been my way of letting her know that I am here, all the while knowing that she wants to take her time. The thing is, after I write a letter I usually don't here from her for a period of time. Usually less than 2 days. I know that she is processing everything, and trying to handle it in her head. She has said time and time again that no one has every treated her this way. My letters are very romantic, as well as express my feelings for her as a person, a mother, and everything in between. (although I've sensed laid off of the sexual stuff). She has stated many times that I need to take time from my divorce, which I think means her as well to be sure that she is comfortable with our situation. I was married for 20 years so I think I am just to easy on the trigger to text her constantly and write her so I look needy. (I have acknowledged my neediness to her as well). I say that I understand what she is saying, but I am eager to be with her, and have her in my life, so by being the way I am I can tell that I am forcing her to keep a distance. The past letter I wrote really laid things out as to how I feel about her still and went into good detail of my respect for her on all levels, and how she is as a parent (good things), etc., so on. ...I pointed out that our year anniversary of meeting was just recent, etc. Since that letter she has not texted me back, or tried communicating. I know that it hit her hard in a good way, but I think it all has become too much at the moment. She has not said leave me alone, or anything like that (I expect that she would as she is not the kind to just blow me off and never talk again). I have read many articles regarding going into No Contact mode. I think such is usually regarding break ups, taking mutual breaks, etc. I am thinking that maybe I need to back off and do this voluntarily for 30 days or so. Questions: Is this a good idea for me to do? Should I tell her that is what I am proposing, or just should I just do it? Will she be offended if I just do it? Thoughts would be much appreciated. Edited August 17, 2016 by fight or flight
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 There are 2 bright red flags relative to this: 1) People with a healthy mental health and no open relationship wounds should not get involved with those who aren't yet healed from past relationships and traumas 2) People with open relationship wounds and traumas should not get involved with anyone, until they have healed their wounds and traumas The large majority of people in case 2 make the mistake of causing car-crash after car-crash, ricocheting from 1 person to the next, rather than focusing on staying alone and healing. We need to encourage more people to be single in this instance. You are in no fit state to be tangled up with someone. Let them go. You have to heal alone. Only when you are healed should you venture back into dating. Do not inflict your wounds on other innocent parties. 1
Toodaloo Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Neither of you are in a good place. You both need to heal. I should just stop and concentrate on yourself for a while. You need to get to a point where you feel confident in yourself as you are then you can start dating and make a success out of it rather than rebound to rebound. Good luck. Sounds like wrong place and time to me. 3
Author fight or flight Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 There are 2 bright red flags relative to this: 1) People with a healthy mental health and no open relationship wounds should not get involved with those who aren't yet healed from past relationships and traumas 2) People with open relationship wounds and traumas should not get involved with anyone, until they have healed their wounds and traumas The large majority of people in case 2 make the mistake of causing car-crash after car-crash, ricocheting from 1 person to the next, rather than focusing on staying alone and healing. We need to encourage more people to be single in this instance. You are in no fit state to be tangled up with someone. Let them go. You have to heal alone. Only when you are healed should you venture back into dating. Do not inflict your wounds on other innocent parties. Thank you for your response. No one is ricocheting from one person to the next. I am not sure where that came from. As far as my relationship (marriage) goes, it was dead years ago. Just a piece of paper in the way. I am a very loving person, and the love that I share with this woman has nothing to do with my past marriage. IE, I am not looking for a substitute or transition here since my marriage was pretty much finished years ago. I know people like to throw out the "healing" word, and it is usually some ambiguous term that could have someone giving the advice last indefinitely, until the person is 100 years old. Why can't people be in love soon after divorce? I have never understood why that is ALWAYS a taboo. I suppose the "statistics" are against it, but in many cases it works if the parties involved get to that same level.
Author fight or flight Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Neither of you are in a good place. You both need to heal. I should just stop and concentrate on yourself for a while. You need to get to a point where you feel confident in yourself as you are then you can start dating and make a success out of it rather than rebound to rebound. Good luck. Sounds like wrong place and time to me. It sounds like I was not clear in my post. There is no rebound to rebound going on here.
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Thank you for your response. No one is ricocheting from one person to the next. I am not sure where that came from. As far as my relationship (marriage) goes, it was dead years ago. Just a piece of paper in the way. I am a very loving person, and the love that I share with this woman has nothing to do with my past marriage. IE, I am not looking for a substitute or transition here since my marriage was pretty much finished years ago. I know people like to throw out the "healing" word, and it is usually some ambiguous term that could have someone giving the advice last indefinitely, until the person is 100 years old. Why can't people be in love soon after divorce? I have never understood why that is ALWAYS a taboo. I suppose the "statistics" are against it, but in many cases it works if the parties involved get to that same level. Be careful carrying such an attitude around with you. Rather than consider things, you're set in your ways. Clearly, everyone leaves relationships with wounds that need to heal, and a need for time and space to reflect on what one my in future want and need in a partner. One needs time and space to grow as an individual, with new pursuits, learning new languages, meditating, spending time with friends and family...
Toodaloo Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 It sounds like I was not clear in my post. There is no rebound to rebound going on here. You don't think... The pair of you got together before you were both divorced.
NTV Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Yes I think you should go NC. In fact, I think you should go 1 year relationship free to adjust to being not married. Maybe you're out of her league, but you haven't been playing in the field long enough to know. Maybe she's cutting you loose because she knows you'll figure it out soon enough. Be single. Focus on any kids and yourself for a while. That's my advice at least.
Author fight or flight Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Be careful carrying such an attitude around with you. Rather than consider things, you're set in your ways. Clearly, everyone leaves relationships with wounds that need to heal, and a need for time and space to reflect on what one my in future want and need in a partner. One needs time and space to grow as an individual, with new pursuits, learning new languages, meditating, spending time with friends and family... Attitude? None here. I just think it's funny that it's always a "let them go" answer from people, with no in between. Especially on internet forums. Nothing I said in my post implied that we do not have feelings for each other so, "letting her go" is a bit extreme. I never said anything about multiple relationships, but somehow you assumed that was the case. We are in a good spot, but I don't want to be pushy is all I am saying. We both know that there is time involved. In fact she is telling me that I need time. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to be pushy. We are on good terms, but I want to be able to give her space as well. If wanting to be loved after not being loved for so long is considered a "wound" I'd hate to see what true pain is. You don't think... The pair of you got together before you were both divorced. She's been divorced for 8 years. I had checked out of my marriage years ago. Pieces of paper (marriage certificates) don't coordinate with human emotion. One could be mentally gone for years before the court makes it official. I've have not been interested in other women, and I have had plenty of opportunity to engage.
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 You don't welcome any advice. It's wasting our time posting such a thread. We've explained why you should be single. At this point, you're too convinced you're right.
Author fight or flight Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 You don't welcome any advice. It's wasting our time posting such a thread. We've explained why you should be single. At this point, you're too convinced you're right. I welcome people to read my post before making false judgments. You're more than welcome to not respond, but thanks for the advice just the same.
Grisho Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I welcome people to read my post before making false judgments. You're more than welcome to not respond, but thanks for the advice just the same. All of us are in aggreeance against you. A sensible person might conclude their own thoughts are clearly wrong.
Author fight or flight Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 Yes I think you should go NC. In fact, I think you should go 1 year relationship free to adjust to being not married. Maybe you're out of her league, but you haven't been playing in the field long enough to know. Maybe she's cutting you loose because she knows you'll figure it out soon enough. Be single. Focus on any kids and yourself for a while. That's my advice at least. Yes, that is what she said. There was not a definitive date like that, but something we discussed at length. Not sure about the out of her league thing. We are very compatible which helps. Very similar interests, and things in common. I find it interesting that people assume that as soon as a marriage ends there will be rebounding and multiple dates, and relationships. I have read plenty of times where that is not the case. I am no really the dating type. I have other things to deal with and a dating scene is not one of them.
Author fight or flight Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 All of us are in aggreeance against you. A sensible person might conclude their own thoughts are clearly wrong. All 2 of you? I might as well give it up now.
NTV Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 All 2 of you? I might as well give it up now. Eh, people have a right to their opinion. You came here knowing that you'd get advice from different sources with different perspectives and different experiences, right? So take what you can use and leave the rest. No worries. I know debating can be fun (no you don't, yes I do) but it may distract any new posters from putting forth their opinions--many of which might be more helpful than anything you've heard so far. So I guess like when you're in a meeting and you just nod your head because if you say something the meeting will just stretch longer? Yeah that. To be honest, I think you may want to take a look around and see if there aren't any folks that are still married but dealing with problems you've already faced and could help with. It sounds like you know a good bit about what to do right and wrong in a marriage.
basil67 Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I moved on very quickly and easily from my first marriage, so I don't agree that everyone needs lots of time to heal. I'd done all my grieving while still in the marriage, so by the time I left, I was able to consider dating within a few months. As it so happens, I met my now husband after being separated for only a short time. That was nearly 25 years ago. That said, some others do need more time to heal and your girlfriend is one of them. Someone who's all "I'm afraid of getting hurt" and because of that "needs to take it slow" is not in a space for a relationship and is best to be avoided.
NTV Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 I moved on very quickly and easily from my first marriage, so I don't agree that everyone needs lots of time to heal. I'd done all my grieving while still in the marriage, so by the time I left, I was able to consider dating within a few months. As it so happens, I met my now husband after being separated for only a short time. That was nearly 25 years ago. That said, some others do need more time to heal and your girlfriend is one of them. Someone who's all "I'm afraid of getting hurt" and because of that "needs to take it slow" is not in a space for a relationship and is best to be avoided. See? Better advice already!
Recommended Posts