Disheartened in the Heartland of America [new relationship after divorce?]

[fight or flight]

[sorry in advance for the long post]

The past few years I had fallen out of love with my wife. I loved her, but was not in love, and the whole marriage had been eroding away for quite some time. I asked for a divorce this past year. While the relationship between me and my wife was fading I met another woman during a chance encounter last summer. We hit it off instantly. We met up a few times, and even had sexual relations...yes while still married, but going through the motions of divorce. Over the course of a few months we seemingly fell in love with each other. We wrote back and forth wonderful notes, met up and kept in contact daily via texting and phone calls. Some of the notes that she wrote me were heavenly...the kind of stuff that celebrates romance, and true love.

 

Fast forward to this past winter and the woman I am seeing told me that the whole thing was hard for her. The guilt of me being married still and so on was really tough for her. We still got together a few times, but it was obvious that we were not going to get into anything sexual again for the moment. As the weeks and months went on we had been in constant contact, but have not been together since January. We texted daily and spoke on the phone quite often.

...One thing I need to mention is that there are huge, huge financial issues with her. She went through a bad divorce years ago, and financially it did not end well. She is barely holding on to her house, but doing a wonderful job with her kids, and maintaining a decent life style for her and them.

 

It is also important to note that I myself am very romantic as well with my writings. I have kept the long emails going, expressing my desires, but she has not returned the favor, with the exception to text me and say how wonderful my thoughts are. I have been fine with this as I understood her position with me still being married. I just enjoy expressing myself as I do in writing. But over time it has weighed heavy on me, not getting a response or acknowledgement has been tough. Also through all of this she has said to me time and time again how tough it will be for me to go from a divorce to a new relationship. I think she has been worried about being the in between girl, as well as dealing with her financial issues.

 

The past 4-5 monthes have been tough as we have not seen each other. I keep reminding her how long it has been, and she replies by saying "4-5 months is not that long". During the past few months she has been careful as well to no say "she loves me" as she did before her conscious kicked in about me being married. It has gone from love to "she cares deeply for me" and "thinks about me all of the time" to not saying anything to get her heart in trouble. ...She is constantly reminding me that I am married, and that she wants no part of that...even though she knows I am getting divorced. She tells me time and time again that jumping into a new relationship after divorce is not a good idea and that I need to take my time to find my self, etc.

 

The past few weeks saw the end of my marriage with the divorcee being final. At the same time heavy stress came to her with regard to financial issues again. She recently sent me a text saying that she "Needed time to think regarding kids and financial stuff", and that "She was not pushing me away". I should also point out that my texts are lengthy and really go on and on sometimes... I pour my heart out to her, and I think it may be too much sometimes. But, it is hard as I truly love her, and have never ever met anyone like her.

 

I have decided to give her the time she requested, and have told her so via text, but I have to tell you...this is very hard for me to do. We have gone from being in love beyond words, to now "needing time to think about her situation (not necessarily us)". She is very honest and sincere like no one I have ever met, and I do not think that she is playing games with me, but I am not sure where to take this. I don't want to seem needy and text her after I told her I would give her time.

 

I believe her words of the past when she said I had all of the qualities in a man that she wanted (except for being married). I want to believe that she will be there, and that we can build on a relationship, but what do I do? I don't want to rush things, but besides the vagueness of needing time, there has been the talk of her telling me that I need to be ready to commit to a new relationship. What is the time frame on that, and why is she dictating it?

 

Also, I have hinted at asking if there is another man, and this upsets her greatly. She said that is not what she is all about, and she does NOT like games being played to her.

 

We are in our 40's.

 

I am just looking for some thoughts on this as it has been a very disheartening situation.

 

Edit: With regard to her telling me she "needed some time to think", she never said No contact, in fact the next day we had brief contact. I am just assuming no contact is part of what she means as she has not contacted me since with the exception of a few texts about specifics. It has been 2 days since the "time to think" text.

Edited July 11, 2016 by fight or flight

[smackie9]

Stop being so clingy/needy or you will push her away. Put her aside and start livin life. Take up scuba lessons, go skeet shooting with some buddies, have some beers with some friends, or whatever, keep busy. You sir also need time to heal from your divorce and adjust to being single. This woman is not your answer to happiness.

[Lady2163]

You're just coming out of your own divorce. Are you financially unscathed?

 

I divorced almost 20 years ago. I was struggling for nine years afterwards financially. I'm just getting ready to buy my next house and it is nicer than the one I had when I was married. It took me almost 20 years to get ahead financially by myself.

 

For those first nine years I had very little fun money. I needed $500 a month for food, gasoline, cigarettes and home maintenance (outside of bills). Any thing less than $500 and I was facing toilet paper worries and lots of ramen noodles for the month.

 

I can't imagine if I'd had kids in tow.

 

I'm guessing she has been protecting herself from the off chance you wouldn't complete the divorce. That happens a lot. Yet, she may not be as into you as you are into her.

 

Never mind asking her if there's another man. I'd meet with her point blank and ask her straight out the questions you don't want answers to. Are you still interested? Do you want to move forward? Try playing the emotional card of "I've waited so long to find someone and be happy. If you don't feel the same, let's not waste any more of your time...."

 

Because, sad but true, the older you get, the less fish in the sea. Unless you're really hot, hung like a bear or have some money.

[BlueIris]

She has good reason to be wary of the divorcing and newly-divorced.

 

She can’t know if you’re having a transition relationship to provide comfort during the divorce or you’re on the rebound now, but it’s so common, she’s right to be cautious.

 

And really, you can't know yet either. It really would be a good idea to slow way down and see for yourself- just because the divorce emotional bounce is so common.

 

If you feel as though she’s “dictating” to you, it sounds as though you’re resenting her. You can decide that you want to move on.

[smackie9]

I get that when you are pushed away you have all these questions like "what did I do wrong?" "could I have done something differently?""Is there someone else?" "Am I not that desirable?" "Did she get bored of me?" "Did I scare her off?" "Maybe if I did this or said that, etc" Your head must be spinning from the uncertainty. Look.....it's only been a couple of days....all isn't lost yet. Sometimes with a little patience things do work out. Don't let this rule your world. You have things to go do for yourself, like reconnecting with old friends or invite some coworkers over for a bbq. Be happy, keep positive, think good thoughts.

[startingagain15]

You already realize starting a relationship before you were divorced was a bad idea. She realizes this now and seems to regret doing it. Even though you are now divorced perhaps the guilt of the relationship being started inappropriately is part of the problem.

 

She seems to be prioritizing the important things in her life right now, kids, finances, etc, as she should be. You should look at your priorities maybe. It's too soon for you to be thinking so seriously about a relationship. Being co-dependent on her is not a way for you to heal from your divorce.

 

Get on your feet, date around, recover. Maybe in 6 months-1 year she will be ready, but right now she is definitely not, comply with her wishes and leave her be for now.

[fight or flight]

I was afraid of getting some of the answers that you are giving. But, thank you for being honest.

 

I do have hope. I know it sounds cliche but her and I made a great connection. And yes, I probably pushed way too hard with the texting, the compliments, and putting her on a pedestal. I suppose such is my way of making sure that she understands how much I like her. But, yes, being newly divorced is an issue here.

 

I am going to hold back on any kind of pressure towards her. She did not say "no contact", but that she "needed time to think", and that she is not pushing me away. Whether or not that is just her nice way of making it sound good for me has yet to be determined. I do believe what she says.

 

I did text her about an hour ago just to say hello, and see how she is doing. Nothing major, but just a quick note. Up until 2 nights ago she would send me a good night message every night since we met. (with the exception of her falling asleep sometimes and not being able to do so). Last night was the first night of not getting such a message...The day before was when we kind of got into a bit of a situation, where I really realized I may have been too clingy.

 

If I don't hear from her should I not bother her anymore, or just send a note every few days? We are supposed to go to an event together in the next few weeks, but I am afraid to bring it up.

 

The irony is that she her self has told me many times to experience being single again, and that I can't know right now how I will react to the whole thing, but at the same time she has told me that she loves me and cares for me. Also, she has said more than once that she is not interested in other men, and would not be talking to me if that was the case. She has had a few bad post divorce relationships herself. I know she is probably confused as well, but when I hear things like that it give me hope that somewhere down the line, when ever that may be we may be together. But, I just wish I had a timeline, and not some vague time frame.

 

Also, she does not seem to want to introduce anyone to her kids as well. Not like that matters right now, but there is a stigma... past relationship...protection...who knows.

Edited July 11, 2016 by fight or flight

[misspond]

You maybe need to have some time to process everything you've been through. Getting involved with someone before your relationship/divorce was finalised means that you just jumped from one ship to another.

 

For her, well from what you've said she's got kids and they do take an awful lot of looking after not least because of the day to day stuff of paying the bills. Children take a lot of looking after, even when they're not babies. There's homework and hormones and growing pains and cooking and cleaning and washing and hugs and tears and laughing and their relationships with their friends (and with other members of their/her family). Trust me, it's exhausting even when it's pleasurable.

 

It sounds to me as though things are done with the two of you. Don't send a message every few days, that just turns you into another child who needs to be attended to (even if that's not your intention).

 

Get on with your life, it's all just a new phase.

[BlueIris]

I was afraid of getting some of the answers that you are giving. But, thank you for being honest.

 

I do have hope. I know it sounds cliche but her and I made a great connection. And yes, I probably pushed way too hard with the texting, the compliments, and putting her on a pedestal. I suppose such is my way of making sure that she understands how much I like her. But, yes, being newly divorced is an issue here.

 

I am going to hold back on any kind of pressure towards her. She did not say "no contact", but that she "needed time to think", and that she is not pushing me away. Whether or not that is just her nice way of making it sound good for me has yet to be determined. I do believe what she says.

 

I did text her about an hour ago just to say hello, and see how she is doing. Nothing major, but just a quick note. Up until 2 nights ago she would send me a good night message every night since we met. (with the exception of her falling asleep sometimes and not being able to do so). Last night was the first night of not getting such a message...The day before was when we kind of got into a bit of a situation, where I really realized I may have been too clingy.

If I don't hear from her should I not bother her anymore, or just send a note every few days? We are supposed to go to an event together in the next few weeks, but I am afraid to bring it up.

 

The irony is that she her self has told me many times to experience being single again, and that I can't know right now how I will react to the whole thing, but at the same time she has told me that she loves me and cares for me. Also, she has said more than once that she is not interested in other men, and would not be talking to me if that was the case. She has had a few bad post divorce relationships herself. I know she is probably confused as well, but when I hear things like that it give me hope that somewhere down the line, when ever that may be we may be together. But, I just wish I had a timeline, and not some vague time frame.

Also, she does not seem to want to introduce anyone to her kids as well. Not like that matters right now, but there is a stigma... past relationship...protection...who knows.

 

Then it makes sense.

 

Patience. Take your time, breathe the air and find your single self. Get centered and then you'll be in a much better position to have a relationship that will last.

 

Also, she shouldn't be introducing you to her kids. That's also wise of her. Really, she sounds as though she has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe read a whole bunch about dating after divorce, dating when you have children, all of those things that are relevant for you right now. It can't hurt and it could help.

[fight or flight]

You're just coming out of your own divorce. Are

Because, sad but true, the older you get, the less fish in the sea. Unless you're really hot, hung like a bear or have some money.

 

While I know this can can be taken in jest, and cliche... or not it is interesting that you say this.

 

Her previous marriage was one where there was a good amount of money from her ex husband, and then when it ended that all went away. Court did not do her any good justice in this instance, and the guy was a real ass from what I can tell. A year or so ago she had a boyfriend who was quite wealthy, and had a great job. There were issues with the relationship and she broke it off. Now, it is not like all his money was hers, as they were not married, but the fact that the money part was not a reason to keep them together speaks volumes.

 

...I do feel a bit inadequate when talking about money with her knowing her past (and fear the old boyfriend getting involved again...he was once married as well). She has made it clear that it is not about money, but happiness. This is knowing that financially she is in a crappy situation. She does have great social support surrounding her in the way of family. But the money thing does get to me sometimes. There have been a few comments made when she contradicts the part about being happy, like when she was talking about an unhappy woman married to a wealthy man..."With all of that money I would stick around, regardless of how unhappy I was. I would find a use for the money to make me happy", etc. etc. Conversations like this were in passing and really off the cuff.

 

But the money part does weigh on my shoulders sometimes, as I have the other 2 things covered that you mention above (although not "really" hot, but been told "very good looking").

[fight or flight]

Update from last night's "How are you doing" text. She got back to me about 30 minutes later and we texted back and forth for about an hour or so. I did not get into anything deep about feelings or such. We mainly talked about her daughter doing well at soccer camp. I texted "good night" and "good morning" but have heard nothing since.

 

I am fine with this as in the past I would have been all worked up about not hearing back. At least she is still communicating with me which is all I can ask for at this point. Am giving space and will wait for her, or maybe send a brief hello tomorrow or the next day.

[fight or flight]

I thought I should share an update on the situation. Things have been going good between us. We have been texting again regularly, and have spoken a few times. The most optimistic was we DID end up going to the big event that I mentioned we had planned. We had a wonderful time, and it was great to get together since it had been winter since we last saw each other.

 

 

I am playing things cool, and taking my time, allowing things to unfold as they will. I do not want to be pushy, but at the same time it kind of stinks that she cannot discuss me with family or friends. Yes, she is THAT private about things due to her last relationship and especially her abusive ex-husband. Just to give you a deeper perspective, she belongs to ZERO social media websites... none. If you were to look her up on line, you would find nothing about her.