Boyfriend bailed on plans, sent odd texts

[spiderowl]

The 'arrangements' you had with him do sound a bit loose and could have been misunderstood. However, he does seem to be hiding away a bit for some reason. It could be something else is going on or it could simply be he didn't feel well and didn't respond as usual because he felt pressured. Maybe he finds your desire to be in touch so frequently a bit too much. I understand that you are just checking in with him and that up until now this has been normal between you, so unless he has said before that he feels you get too worried about him and contact him too much, I would be concerned about the change. What it means though is anybody's guess!

[Gaeta]

You are over-reacting. You said yourself he was a bad communicator so why is it so hard for you to accept you had a miscommunication about the day.

 

You are also sweating the small stuff and men hate that. You don't have to 'have a talk' each time you have a misunderstanding or a little bump on the road. He contacted you all dandy the following day, you should have done the same.

 

Also, on your first post you said you were ready to break up with him over this. This is quite extravagant. We are all humans therefore we all make mistakes. If you are ready to terminate this relationship at every little bump then he must feel very insecure in this relationship. After 10 months dating he should feel that you're not gonna dump him over something trivial like a miscommunication.

[BaileyB]

I don't know... Maybe there is more to the situation that is making you anxious.

 

This would annoy me, but I would let it go. I think you are over reacting. And, the more you make the small things, big issues... The more frustrated he will become (which defeats your purpose, I think).

[Zahara]

I still don't understand how he didn't realize we had plans ... do I drop it and move on?

 

Yes, drop it and move on. Pressing this anymore is going to do you more harm than good. I think your persistence in finding an answer stems from your own insecurities. The fact that you wanted to end this is telling. In another thread, based on a different situation, you went down that same road.

 

I understand what it feels like to have anxiety but if you keep at it and start over-reacting and panicking when things don't fall exactly the way you expect it to, you're only going to self-sabotage.

[BaileyB]

Just FYI, my guy told me this past week that he got the dates wrong, and he had a guys weekend that he had forgotten about. He is a single parent, so our time together is limited. I had been asked to go out of province for a function, and I turned it down because our time was limited and I wanted to spend time with him. He forgot about that.

 

I was annoyed. But, I wasn't upset because - these things happen. I'm secure in the relationship and he's given me no reason to question his commitment to our relationship. I wished him a good weekend and sent him off... I teased him a little about the situation and when he felt badly and offered to cancel, I made sure to tell him that I was not upset and that I would NEVER tell him that he couldn't go hang with his friends.

 

The question is - do you want to have certain unwritten expectations and get upset over the little things, or do you want to be happy? If he has not given you any other reasons to question his commitment to the relationship - you let it go! If you want to make a big deal of the situation and cause resentment and anger... because you are anxious about the relationship, you continue to make this a big deal. It's up to you - not about him anymore - all about you!

[newheart]

Thanks so much to all of you for your input. You are all right, and I so appreciate your feedback.

 

Because I had already said we'd discuss it, we did, and ultimately I am glad that this happened. It helped me to understand him a bit more. He explained his definition of "set plans" (i.e. restaurant reservations, movie tickets) versus my definition of "set plans" (merely confirming we were seeing each other), so I understand how the miscommunication happened. I also understand that his choice was no reflection on our relationship, just a need for a day to veg. And yes, as usual, I overreacted, but I am hoping that now that I understand this about him, I can move forward.

 

I am disappointed in myself that I reacted so strongly, but at least by coming here, I avoided making a fool of myself with him and made a fool of myself here (for the most part, lol). I adore him! And I am concerned about the self sabotage. I am still work in progress.

[Grisho]

I am disappointed in myself that I reacted so strongly, but at least by coming here, I avoided making a fool of myself with him and made a fool of myself here (for the most part, lol). I adore him! And I am concerned about the self sabotage. I am still work in progress.

 

Are you getting treatment for this, or doing things to combat it like voluntary activities in the community and learning languages (ie things to build your self esteem)?

[newheart]

Are you getting treatment for this, or doing things to combat it like voluntary activities in the community and learning languages (ie things to build your self esteem)?

 

I am - I am in therapy weekly due to childhood abuse/abandonment.

[Grisho]

I am - I am in therapy weekly due to childhood abuse/abandonment.

 

Loads of kudos for this. It can help enormously. Don't forget about the other things, too, in order to bolster your self-esteem. I can't advocate strongly enough the pleasure in learning languages. It's a way to boost self-esteem, a way to help you communicate with new people, and a gift you give the world (not expecting everyone to bend to your linguistic preference).

 

I also like triathlons and cycling in general.

[BaileyB]

 

I am disappointed in myself that I reacted so strongly. I adore him! And I am concerned about the self sabotage. I am still work in progress.

 

We are all a work in progress. You have had experiences that color the "filter" through which you see the world. It's good that you are going to counselling to work on this. That takes great courage.

 

You are getting to know each other still... And relationships are negotiated. He sounds like a good guy. Give him a break - you will both be happier!

 

Good luck!