4 years after divorce...weird situation...

[planning4later]

People at their core rarely change. Never forget who they really are. They showed you once. Believe them.

 

The only time a person changes (and not always) is when they get completely broken and hit rock bottom. This is where miracles can happen. But oftentimes people who are disturbed with psychopathology will have their own family "buffer" their fall and never fully let them deal with the consequences of their actions. This is a main reason who so few people change. If everyone kept covering for your errors, would YOU change? I wouldn't.

[planning4later]

Thanks for everyone's input so far. I have a new question...

 

I currently live over 2 hours from my children's mother. I stayed here (where the marriage home was) and she moved back to her family's hometown. My kids are enrolled in elementary school there. I attend all major functions but unfortunately cannot be there day to day or pick them up, drop them off. This is very hard for me to live with. Just the chance to do these basic things in my kids life would mean so much.

 

So what's the problem? The problem is I don't think my mental health would remain intact if I moved to her town. It's a small town. Very bubble-like. She's also spread all kinds of rumors about me (like she did in court) about child abuse and other crap (all disproven in same court). Additionally, I have a very large network here for my job. It's a big city and I have MANY opportunities here.

 

On one hand, I would love to be closer to my kids. On the other hand, I'm stable here and there is risk with a move--professionally and psychologically. And not to mention I would only get 1 extra day per week of custody. It wouldn't even be exactly 50/50. It's not the standard custody setup in my state. I pushed for equal custody but my ex-wife wanted it all. Whatever.

 

So what are your thoughts? Has anyone been in this situation where you've had to decide to follow the ex-wife back to "enemy territory" or remain where you thrive and can therefore be the best parent?

 

Thanks.

[Marc878]

Can you get 50/50 if you moved closer? Odd that she was allowed to move 2 hours away. Unless you agreed to it.

 

You have to balance looking out for yourself as well as the kids. Do you get summer vacations with you?

[planning4later]

Can you get 50/50 if you moved closer? Odd that she was allowed to move 2 hours away. Unless you agreed to it.

 

You have to balance looking out for yourself as well as the kids. Do you get summer vacations with you?

 

She was allowed to move 2 hours away for the following reasons:

 

1) We originally lived there several years prior to divorce. This was before we moved to the house I still live in now.

 

2) She has HUGE family support where she moved to. I have ZERO here. My family is across the country because I moved away from them to marry my ex (biggest regret of my live but I'm glad I have my children so whatever).

 

Yes, I get 42 days extended summer as of right now since I reside 100+ miles away. I also get every spring break and we alternate major winter holidays.

[standtall]

Move to half the distance. Surely you can handle 50 or so miles to see them more often. Most people have a commute lie that anyway.

[planning4later]

Move to half the distance. Surely you can handle 50 or so miles to see them more often. Most people have a commute lie that anyway.

 

I live a boony state. It's not like I can move 30 or so miles away in a moderately developed town or city. The nearest place that's not third world is like 60 miles. And that would defeat the purpose of moving closer. I wouldn't be able to see my kids on the fly or pick them up from school on the fly.

[standtall]

With that being said, I would move to "enemy" territory. Your toxic ex's behavior will ultimately be shown to your kids (and everyone else) as they age and by you moving there, it will be just one more proof to them that you cared for them. When they become older teenagers, they will begin to see the light and your actions will disprove your ex's bad mouthing of you. As far as parental alienation, that is a very sticky wicket and is virtually impossible to prove. You can only not join in the BS games with your wife and show them you care. Without making an effort to go above and beyond, that just gives her the ability to say "see what a crappy father he is" .

[Marc878]

I would move only if I got 50/50 and could afford it. If not what's the point?

[planning4later]

I would move only if I got 50/50 and could afford it. If not what's the point?

 

Yea that's the problem. In my state there is no statute in court for 50/50. It has to be agreed upon by the parties outside of court or it won't happen. Kind of stupid. My lawyer said the reason is they want to keep child support warranted. In other words, one parent must have majority of time in order for child support to make sense. All comes down to the money. Anyway, there's no way she will agree to 50/50. No way in hell.

[Marc878]

You'd have to weigh the pros and cons. Can you afford to move? How much time will you get with them?

 

I wouldn't worry about the X or xil's you just 180 them. Nothing says you have to associate in any way. Just email or text with the X and keep it to a minimum with the kids etc.

[planning4later]

You'd have to weigh the pros and cons. Can you afford to move? How much time will you get with them?

 

I wouldn't worry about the X or xil's you just 180 them. Nothing says you have to associate in any way. Just email or text with the X and keep it to a minimum with the kids etc.

 

I would get "extended" possession instead of "standard". This sounds good but just means I get a Thursday overnight every week in addition to my alternate weekend. Plus I could pick them up directly from school and drop them off on that day instead of 6pm pickup at her house like right now. The downside, however, is I wouldn't have every single spring break as I do now. We'd have to start alternating. Plus my summer would reduce from 42 to 30 days.

[Marc878]

You have some thought that needs to be put into this. Don't cripple yourself financially or career wise. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of your kids.

 

This is actually putting your kids first if that makes sense.

 

Can you handle the additional time of having to be around the snakes?

[planning4later]

You have some thought that needs to be put into this. Don't cripple yourself financially or career wise. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of your kids.

 

This is actually putting your kids first if that makes sense.

 

Can you handle the additional time of having to be around the snakes?

 

I will be finishing my degree (plus additional speciality) in exactly 2 years so I have until then to decide. At that time I'll be in a smokin good position financially which will give me more job options everywhere. So I guess I'll have to feel it out over these 2 years and get a sense of what will work best. Once I move, that's it. There's no going back here.

 

I'll also have a better idea by that time how I'll handle the "snakes". Maybe I'll be even more moved on and won't be affected by it at all. I think subconsciously this has been my plan. I've been buying some time to make sure it's the right decision. The kids are young enough now where they don't have too much of a social life outside their family. So it's working for now. But the more involved they become, the less convenient it will be to live far away. Especially once they get older, they'll need me as their father more. Dads know what I'm talking about. Your importance becomes greater every year towards adulthood.

Edited August 30, 2016 by planning4later