planning4later Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Brief summary of my situation to date: Divorced 4 years ago. Actual papers were filed by my ex-wife, but the process was probably started by me since I basically broke off contact with her. She physically assaulted me and was prosecuted for it. Her complaint against me on divorce papers was "cruelty" and she also accused me of child abuse--which was officially disproven by both CPS and the judge after an investigation. There was been 4 years of strict no contact, other than what is necessary regarding the children. We have joint custody, with her having the majority of the time. The relationship was toxic. Even though there are still potentially feelings involved, there is no way in hell that I would re-enter that marriage. It was a risk to my mental health and physical safety. My question, though, is why has she recently started inviting me to have meals with her and her family (ie, parents). We just had a back to school night. I requested that we go separately. She said she thinks it's better for the children if everyone goes as a group. So I said fine. But her mother, who is very domineering, was there the whole time and kind of running the show, directing my children to and fro, and being the intermediary between myself and my ex-wife. I was gracious and even helped them with some tasks. But I made sure to keep my distance and mostly make it about my children, choosing to mainly talk with them since they are my priority. Anyway, I can partly understand her wanting to do the school thing as a group. But why is she inviting me out to eat afterwards? Does she think I want to be in the presence of her mother and father, who also were in on the dirty little scheme of falsely accusing me of child abuse 4 years ago? I suspect she might be doing this because she wants to make it APPEAR to the children that I'm the one who abandoned the family. This is a very tricky and manipulative family. Their actions are always hard to decipher and things are never as they seem. Any opinions would be appreciated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Has she remarried or currently involved with someone? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Has she remarried or currently involved with someone? She isn't remarried. I have no idea if she's involved with someone. I've never seen her with a new man and my kids haven't mentioned anything. But based on her past, I doubt she's gone 4 years without at least getting involved with 1 man. She was a bit more of a serial dater than me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
desertfunguy Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I think four years later... I would not play to her tune at all. I would keep contact minimal with her, and just be a good and supportive dad. Make sure the schools have you down for dual-notification on everything, and then you will get invited by the school. I would suggest that you even have individual parent conferences, it is your right. These are tough times to be a man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 She isn't remarried. I have no idea if she's involved with someone. I've never seen her with a new man and my kids haven't mentioned anything. But based on her past, I doubt she's gone 4 years without at least getting involved with 1 man. She was a bit more of a serial dater than me. Yeah.. Seems to me like she's trying to 'lure' you back into her life. I'd insist on one on one with the teacher..No dinners with the "family" ect.. I've been there,but it's in your best interest. All that should matter to you is the kids/your best interest and having school meetings with her doesn't fit that mold of the new life she put you in. I do admire you for dealing with it, as you have, but you also need to set your boundary as far as your ex is concerned. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 These are tough times to be a man. Ain't that the truth, brother. I have a sense that the tides are turning. Check out the MGTOW movement. It's already turned Japan upside down (although they call it the Herbivore or Grasseaster movement.) And its quickly spreading to the United States. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Yeah.. Seems to me like she's trying to 'lure' you back into her life. I'd insist on one on one with the teacher..No dinners with the "family" ect.. I've been there,but it's in your best interest. All that should matter to you is the kids/your best interest and having school meetings with her doesn't fit that mold of the new life she put you in. I do admire you for dealing with it, as you have, but you also need to set your boundary as far as your ex is concerned. Yes, I think now that I've become healed from the divorce and I'm secure in my situation, I have no problem with joint operations at school as long as they aren't private things. Back to school night isn't too private. But I still plan on having separate teacher conferences. I think, to a certain degree, it COULD be good for me to be present in the midst of their mom's family at general school functions just so they see there's no outright animosity. But yes, anything too private should be separated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 DON'T get sucked into this. They are still the same people who conspired against you. Don't think it couldn't happen again. It could. Follow desertfunguy's advice, its very good advice. Watch your back. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 DON'T get sucked into this. They are still the same people who conspired against you. Don't think it couldn't happen again. It could. Follow desertfunguy's advice, its very good advice. Watch your back. Take care. Thanks for the good perspective. You are right. It COULD happen. I am fully aware of the frailty of human nature. That's why I'm guarding against it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 You're doing a good job by keeping her at arms length. It sounds like she is buttering you up for some type of child custody change....terms, support, maybe even domicile change. Be cautious. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 You're doing a good job by keeping her at arms length. It sounds like she is buttering you up for some type of child custody change....terms, support, maybe even domicile change. Be cautious. She already has domicile. All I have is alternate weekends and every Thursday. But I am curious as to what you mean. Could you expand on that idea? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 She already has domicile. All I have is alternate weekends and every Thursday. But I am curious as to what you mean. Could you expand on that idea? New guy, planning to move kids hours away, asking for more support and so on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 They are definitely after something which benefits them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 New guy, planning to move kids hours away, asking for more support and so on. She lives in same town as her parents, whom she is immensely dependent upon. There's no way. She already gets child support. I think what's going on is that she saw what happened in their previous school when she boxed me out from the kids at school and made things difficult. She saw that it made her look bad. The staff clearly saw it. So I'm thinking, yes, she definitely has a self interest for inviting me to things. But maybe it's just to prevent her from looking bad again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) Assuming you're in the US, or Canada, a domicile change is moving them out of state, province, or the area that they live in. She cannot do that without your permission. She sounds like she is up to something. With that aside, why do you care what she does?...unless you are interested in resurrecting some kind of romantic relationship with her? Edited August 14, 2016 by standtall 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 Assuming you're in the US, or Canada, a domicile change is moving them out of state, province, or the area that they live in. She cannot do that without your permission. She sounds like she is up to something. With that aside, why do you care what she does?...unless you are interested in resurrecting some kind of romantic relationship with her? Fair question. Suffice it to say that I have logistical reasons for keeping tabs on her situation. When you have kids with someone, you kind of are stuck in a situation where you're forced to pay attention to what the mother of your children is doing, since it directly impacts my life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Sure that makes sense. It was wise to analyze this situation with a jaundiced eye and get a second opinion. I would steer clear..her and her mother sound toxic even if they don't have some Machiavellian plan. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Most of them want to do the "friends" thing. Usually to relive guilt, make themselves look better to others. Definition of friend - loyal, trustworthy, honest. Doesn't fit does it. Stay no contact except text or email kids only. You really don't need that baggage in your life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 Most of them want to do the "friends" thing. Usually to relive guilt, make themselves look better to others. Definition of friend - loyal, trustworthy, honest. Doesn't fit does it. Stay no contact except text or email kids only. You really don't need that baggage in your life. As men, the more we get involved in these situations, the more we lose. Men's strength comes from being solitary and resisting BS. I truly feel GOOD when I can show my kids my independence amidst this situation. I used to think that not being with them 7 days a week would be the worst possibility. Now I disagree. At least my kids, when they see me go away, can think, "That's my dad. He's not getting dragged down into this mess. Maybe that can be me one day. Maybe I can be like him." Contrast that with the man who stayed in a toxic marriage and lives on a leash "for the sake of the kids". I believe that as men we are the figureheads. We are the ones they look to. Even if they don't see us every day due to custody situations, the best thing we can do is set an example for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 As men, the more we get involved in these situations, the more we lose. Men's strength comes from being solitary and resisting BS. I truly feel GOOD when I can show my kids my independence amidst this situation. I used to think that not being with them 7 days a week would be the worst possibility. Now I disagree. At least my kids, when they see me go away, can think, "That's my dad. He's not getting dragged down into this mess. Maybe that can be me one day. Maybe I can be like him." Contrast that with the man who stayed in a toxic marriage and lives on a leash "for the sake of the kids". I believe that as men we are the figureheads. We are the ones they look to. Even if they don't see us every day due to custody situations, the best thing we can do is set an example for them. Excellent insight. It gives your kids contrast and something to shoot for when growing up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 I guess my main concern is how my kids perceive the situation. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm doing the right thing, but children may or may not perceive it the same way--especially if the other parent has a track record of manipulation or alienation. What if my ex is telling the children, "I invited your daddy to eat with us after, but he doesn't want to spend time with you guys, I guess...blah blah..." If that's what is going on, then my children will resent me. Afterall, they see daddy walking away after the the school event when they would like to still see him. You get what I'm saying? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 I wouldn't live my life under my X's thumb. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free download Do something with them separately. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted August 20, 2016 Author Share Posted August 20, 2016 I wouldn't live my life under my X's thumb. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free download Do something with them separately. Yes. That's what I did. I initially asked my ex if I could take my children to eat after school event. (It was her designated day so legally I had to ask.) She responded by saying SHE was taking them out to eat and that I was "welcome to join them". Obviously I declined and tactfully made my exit after the event, kissing my children, and not even saying goodbye to ex or her mother. Any time I'm even tempted to say goodbye to them, I just recall how they phoned CPS on me in attempt to gain custody. Then I feel no guilt in blowing them off. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 Yes. That's what I did. I initially asked my ex if I could take my children to eat after school event. (It was her designated day so legally I had to ask.) She responded by saying SHE was taking them out to eat and that I was "welcome to join them". Obviously I declined and tactfully made my exit after the event, kissing my children, and not even saying goodbye to ex or her mother. Any time I'm even tempted to say goodbye to them, I just recall how they phoned CPS on me in attempt to gain custody. Then I feel no guilt in blowing them off. Nice job. If you go near snakes they usually bite you. It'll be easier the more you do this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 People at their core rarely change. Never forget who they really are. They showed you once. Believe them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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