He turned nasty

[JewelD]

Thanks everyone for your comments. He has been in touch, a few times general stuff. Not back to normal but not cold. I did not expect this. I think he has thought about it a bit more. I just remembered that he had also mentioned he was on a few sites previosly aimed at marriage, this moral code is not new to him. He has not disappeared like I thought, he is testing the water.

 

For someone who was just calling him an a-hole, you are very easily won over. I'm sure he has thought about it, how he's going to try to convince you to be intimate with him by pretending to want the same things as you.

 

If he's trying to get you to go away with him to hotels and such on the first few dates, he's obviously not the "wait until marriage" kinda guy. Move on from this unless you want to have sex before marriage.

[Redhead14]

For someone who was just calling him an a-hole, you are very easily won over. I'm sure he has thought about it, how he's going to try to convince you to be intimate with him by pretending to want the same things as you.

 

If he's trying to get you to go away with him to hotels and such on the first few dates, he's obviously not the "wait until marriage" kinda guy. Move on from this unless you want to have sex before marriage.

 

So gutted, this man disappeared for 3 weeks and you reached out to him! He now knows you are desperate and perhaps ripe for caving in on your edict regarding intimacy. He smells a challenge . . . there is blood in the water so to speak. He hasn't been thinking about you, but he knows you've been thinking about him!

 

Don't set yourself up for another disappointment . . . or perhaps worse.

[so gutted]

So gutted, this man disappeared for 3 weeks and you reached out to him! He now knows you are desperate and perhaps ripe for caving in on your edict regarding intimacy. He smells a challenge . . . there is blood in the water so to speak. He hasn't been thinking about you, but he knows you've been thinking about him!

 

Don't set yourself up for another disappointment . . . or perhaps worse.

 

No - he didnt disappear! For one day aftee the conversation he was cold. Since then HE has been in contact, not me.

[Mysteryman9110]

As a healthy 31 year old man there is NO CHANCE IN HELL that I would wait for sex from a 30+ year old woman when she has already had sex before. I might do it if the woman was a virgin and under the age 24 or 25, but anything outside of that then no chance.Most men who are not desperate realize that it is always a big mistake to marry a woman hoping that the sexual life will improve. You are setting up a filter where only a super desperate guy is going to go for that, and even then most of them are not going to be that eager to marry someone close to 40 ( just being honest ).

 

Even when I was single and I was on dating sites I would actively avoid women who mentioned things like " I am not looking for hookups! " The reason for this is not that I am looking only for hookups, but because when women are this hungup and aggressive about what they don't want it is because they have been burned before and have a hard time of letting it go. As men we don't want to pay for the sins of some other guy. It's way too much baggage to deal with. No man with any sort of options is going to want to deal with the fact that you slept with other men but are now older and making him wait. You need a serious reality check before time totally slips away from you.

[Redhead14]

No - he didnt disappear! For one day aftee the conversation he was cold. Since then HE has been in contact, not me.

 

 

Today I asked how he was as he had not sms first (after 3 weeks) and he replied 3 hours later saying "busy, you?.

 

Above is a quote from the post that opened this thread. No matter how you read this, he wasn't maintaining contact with you for 3 weeks!

 

His answer was more or less, "hey, I'm busy, don't bother me".

 

Yeah, he's been contacting you now because you've given him a heads up that you're desperate enough to accept breadcrumbs from a man which says you don't have respect for yourself, confused and a good candidate for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of one way or another.

[dreamingoftigers]

Why did you wait 3 weeks to tell him no sex before marriage?

 

By the way your reason for refusing sex before marriage sounds bitter and vangeful like you want to punish men.

 

I think you concentrate on the wrong issue

 

What?

 

No sex before marriage isn't an uncommon practice around the world. (I just didn't make it there, is all. I did not convert religions until 19.)

 

Most religions endorse it, and I am sure it isn't to punish their members. Generally, it is thought of as being "pure" and self-respecting.

 

And frankly, how would it? If his values don't match, he is free to date others.

 

Of course most men are not going to want to date in that circumstance, many men do not follow religious tenets anymore. And that too is their choice.

[stillafool]

I heard that OP is getting close to her 40s. Waiting till marriage before sex is for young couples and usually for people who never had sex before.

 

At that age she dates mostly divorced men, so men that had plenty of sex and understand sex compatibility is very important. Not the type of men that would wait after marriage to discover their new wife is frigid. Often those men had unsatisfying sex with their ex so they won't be caught doing that again.

 

What she wants is unrealistic for her age range and for the decency she is living in. Even finding a man willing to wait 3 months for sex will be a challenge.

 

OP does not really want to meet a man. She is out there with her non viable rules kicking as many balls as she can. It's her little revenge on men.

 

You are correct. I had no idea she was that old.

[stillafool]

What?

 

No sex before marriage isn't an uncommon practice around the world. (I just didn't make it there, is all. I did not convert religions until 19.)

 

Most religions endorse it, and I am sure it isn't to punish their members. Generally, it is thought of as being "pure" and self-respecting.

 

And frankly, how would it? If his values don't match, he is free to date others.

 

Of course most men are not going to want to date in that circumstance, many men do not follow religious tenets anymore. And that too is their choice.

 

 

Exactly, so why doesn't OP date religious men and leave the others alone. Or, isn't there some dating site that only has people waiting for marriage before sex. If not, that's a good idea for a site.

[introverted1]

Today I asked how he was as he had not sms first (after 3 weeks) and he replied 3 hours later saying "busy, you?.

 

Above is a quote from the post that opened this thread. No matter how you read this, he wasn't maintaining contact with you for 3 weeks!

 

 

I could be wrong but I *think* what is meant is that it was the first time in 3 weeks he had not been first to message her, not that it had been 3 weeks since they last exchanged messages.

 

Not sure this matters with regard to the larger issues....

[Redhead14]

I could be wrong but I *think* what is meant is that it was the first time in 3 weeks he had not been first to message her, not that it had been 3 weeks since they last exchanged messages.

 

Not sure this matters with regard to the larger issues....

 

 

Not sure this matters with regard to the larger issues.. -- It doesn't . . .

[BaileyB]

I heard that OP is getting close to her 40s. Waiting till marriage before sex is for young couples and usually for people who never had sex before.

 

At that age she dates mostly divorced men, so men that had plenty of sex and understand sex compatibility is very important. Not the type of men that would wait after marriage to discover their new wife is frigid. Often those men had unsatisfying sex with their ex so they won't be caught doing that again.

 

What she wants is unrealistic for her age range and for the decency she is living in. Even finding a man willing to wait 3 months for sex will be a challenge.

 

OP does not really want to meet a man. She is out there with her non viable rules kicking as many balls as she can. It's her little revenge on men.

 

So true. A man who likes a woman will wait until she is comfortable. But, what OP is suggesting is unreasonable. The request is coming from past trauma and failed relationships. At this stage in life, to request that they wait on all intimacy until marriage is totally unreasonable and I doubt, that she will find a man willing to deal with this. I hope, with counselling, OP can sort through some of these issues because otherwise, you will cause nothing but difficulties for yourself and the men who are unfortunate enough to date you... Sorry .

[phineas]

Exactly, so why doesn't OP date religious men and leave the others alone. Or, isn't there some dating site that only has people waiting for marriage before sex. If not, that's a good idea for a site.

 

because men waiting for marriage are usually virgins and want the same in a woman.

OP is not a virgin and she is pushing 40.

 

She essentially wants the 40 yr old virgin.

[Mysteryman9110]

Exactly, so why doesn't OP date religious men and leave the others alone. Or, isn't there some dating site that only has people waiting for marriage before sex. If not, that's a good idea for a site.

 

No. The OP has most likely already had sex in her past. Of course there are guys that are willing to wait until after marriage, it's a small number but they are out there. But the guys that are willing to wait for their partner generally expect that their partner has waited for them too. Guys are not going to want to wait until after marriage to sleep with a 40 year old woman who has decided to cut off their sex life because of the way some other dude treated her in the past. If a guy allowed this he would be better off putting his balls in a jar and handing it to her.

 

This doesn't seem to be for religious reasons. It seems to be a justification to use so that she feels better about protecting herself from not being " used " again. If it was for purely religious reasons then I suspect that she would still be a virgin. It's pretty clear this is the case by the way the OP is demonizing men for wanting sex.

[elaine567]

Guys are not going to want to wait until after marriage to sleep with a 40 year old woman who has decided to cut off their sex life because of the way some other dude treated her in the past.

 

But this is not about sex before marriage, this is about NO intimacy before marriage - no kissing or cuddling even, as that tends to lead onto "other things".

 

However the OP has been raped, so no doubt this colours her whole attitude to sex and men in general.

The OP obviously still needs help to resolve these issues, as "no intimacy before marriage" is a pretty unrealistic demand.

Any man that agrees to that I guess, may have issues of his own too, so no doubt trouble ahead.

[sc0316]

What?

 

No sex before marriage isn't an uncommon practice around the world. (I just didn't make it there, is all. I did not convert religions until 19.)

 

Most religions endorse it, and I am sure it isn't to punish their members. Generally, it is thought of as being "pure" and self-respecting.

 

And frankly, how would it? If his values don't match, he is free to date others.

 

Of course most men are not going to want to date in that circumstance, many men do not follow religious tenets anymore. And that too is their choice.

 

As others have pointed out repeatedly, OP has already had sex with other men in the past (from her other threads), waiting until marriage to have ANY form of intimacy seems to make her like a hypocrite. And she certainly didn't just convert to her religion AFTER she had already been intimate with other men (OP, please correct me if I'm wrong). It would be much more understandable if she had always waited due to her religion, irrespective of her age, in my opinion.

 

More importantly, OP should seek professional help for her traumatic experience of being raped.

Edited August 14, 2016 by sc0316

[so gutted]

As others have pointed out repeatedly, OP has already had sex with other men in the past (from her other threads), waiting until marriage to have ANY form of intimacy seems to make her like a hypocrite. And she certainly didn't just convert to her religion AFTER she had already been intimate with other men (OP, please correct me if I'm wrong). It would be much more understandable if she had always waited due to her religion, irrespective of her age, in my opinion.

 

More importantly, OP should seek professional help for her traumatic experience of being raped.

 

So he has been in contact almost everyday for 3 days and then stopped. Yesterday i thought i would make a bit of an effort and contact first. He replied but it was all small talk.

 

Nothing today.

 

I'm confused, why did he carry on thr contact?

 

Was it so that he wouldnt look like a jerk for not agreeing to see me without intimacy.

 

I am missing him.

 

I feel he has let me down by not carrying on contact.

 

What do i do?

[Grisho]

So he has been in contact almost everyday for 3 days and then stopped. Yesterday i thought i would make a bit of an effort and contact first. He replied but it was all small talk.

 

Nothing today.

 

I'm confused, why did he carry on thr contact?

 

Was it so that he wouldnt look like a jerk for not agreeing to see me without intimacy.

 

I am missing him.

 

I feel he has let me down by not carrying on contact.

 

What do i do?

 

Leave him be. Others suggested that you join a dating site fitting your specific requirements of no intimacy and highly religious. Did you do that yet?

[so gutted]

Leave him be. Others suggested that you join a dating site fitting your specific requirements of no intimacy and highly religious. Did you do that yet?

 

What if i change my mind a bit, can this be salvaged?

[MidwestUSA]

What if i change my mind a bit, can this be salvaged?

 

Change your mind about what?

 

How much is 'a bit'?

[Redhead14]

What if i change my mind a bit, can this be salvaged?

 

There isn't anything to salvage with this guy. He is simply not a suitable dating partner for you. He isn't approaching you with proper and consistent indicators of sincere interest. You just said up above that you are disappointed in the fact that his communication with you is sparse and inconsistent.

 

Don't do anything right now. You are not in the correct frame of mind nor do you have the sense of self you need to proceed with dating anyone.

 

You are changing your mind because you are desperate for a man's attention but you do not have the interpersonal skills needed for being able to evaluate a partner on their merits nor do you have a clear ability to create or maintain boundaries in a logical way.

 

To summarize -- you don't know what the heck you are doing. So stop for a while and get a grip on yourself.

[BaileyB]

There isn't anything to salvage with this guy.

 

Don't do anything right now. You are not in the correct frame of mind nor do you have the sense of self you need to proceed with dating anyone.

 

You are changing your mind because you are desperate for a man's attention but you do not have a clear ability to create or maintain boundaries in a logical way.

 

To summarize -- you don't know what the heck you are doing. So stop for a while and get a grip on yourself.

 

This. Exactly. What you are doing is illogical. Please, seek some counselling to get a grip on your past trauma/personal issues. Do this BEFORE you think about dating anyone else. It will not work before you do this. And, it will save you and any potential partner a world of trouble...

[spiderowl]

It just sounds to me like he was hoping for a relationship that included sex and was unaware you were not likely to want that before marriage. Once you let him know that, then he had to review the situation. His brief responses suggest that he is not giving up on you, but keeping it brief. He is probably wondering what to do now but has not entirely dropped you.

 

I see nothing wrong in you wanting the kind of relationship you have mentioned. You do need to let the guy know very early on though, or you will end up in this situation again. He will see it as a rejection of him.

 

Realistically, I doubt most guys would expect to wait until marriage these days, but you have every right to set the rules and they have every right to accept or reject them. I would say this guy is not sure what to do but will probably back off now. It doesn't make him a bad guy for doing so. Yes, talking about hotels is a bit presumptuous but you could always put him right there if it was a bit too soon. No sex at all until marriage would probably put most men off though, if only because they need affection too and that is one form of physical affection.

[Toodaloo]

What if i change my mind a bit, can this be salvaged?

 

No it can't because you are playing games and messing about with this poor man. Leave him alone.

 

Date people who think like you and be done with it. At least that way your future union has some basis on mutual agreement in morals.

 

Leave this man alone.

 

The small talk is because he was bored. That is all.

[Grisho]

I have no idea but think there must be dating websites specifically for people who want to abstain from sex. If there are, you should focus on using them perhaps.

[Redhead14]

I have no idea but think there must be dating websites specifically for people who want to abstain from sex. If there are, you should focus on using them perhaps.

 

This is not about declaring celibacy prior to marriage. She's just confused to a spectacular degree. She has suffered some abuse from men and was raped. She needs to process all of that before she dates. She is incapable of really knowing what she wants. And, I'd be concerned for her safety as she clear doesn't know how to establish and keep boundaries -- i.e. she said she's determined to be celibate before marriage -- absolutely no intimacy of any kind -- she now had a man who wasn't on that page and backed off because of it -- and now she wants to reconsider her boundary because the guy lost interest to draw him back to her. THAT'S A PROBLEM . . .