so gutted Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I met a guy from a dating site. We exchanged a few emails and met very quickly. We barely spoke on the phone. I got into his car. Date one was a drink and went ok. Date 2 was a random meeting the next day. He offered to pick me up from where I was and I agreed. He then took me to his place. We talked for a few hours. He then kissed me. After taking me into the bedroom he scared me into having sex with him. I said no many times but knew that he was going to do it anyway when he got the condom out. He turned from a nice person that could talk for ages into a nasty bully. I told him I was not sexually active, he went ahead anyway. Technically this was rape. I am confused because I allowed this, I could have screamed louder but instead I tried to make it more comfortable and tried to adjust to it. He has now tried to meet me again and has become very rude when I have made excuses. He even has the audacity to try and become the dettached offhand one! Not sure what to do. I realize my faults. I was stupid and got what women who get into cars with strange men deserve. I feel degraded and silly.
TaraMaiden Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 You report it to the police, that's what you do. Stop him getting any other ideas about any other girls. Keep any text messages, any threats any copies of communications and you report this, as soon as you can.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Two things... 1 - Yes, what he did is rape. You can report him to the police. 2- See a professional about getting better boundaries. You should have punched him in the face or kicked him in the balls when he tried to have sex with you. Essentially done whatever it took to stop him.
northern_sky Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Report him to the police. Please, just do it.
northern_sky Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 2- See a professional about getting better boundaries. You should have punched him in the face or kicked him in the balls when he tried to have sex with you. Essentially done whatever it took to stop him. WTF? That's really low of you, TBV.
anne1707 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 No, you did not deserve this. Stop blaming yourself for his abusive actions immediately. Instead, follow the advice above and do something to stop him from doing this again to another innocent woman. Have you got a friend or family member who you can trust? If so, please call them now.
Enchanted Girl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 When did this happen? It might be too late to contact the police. You should have done it immediately so they could collect evidence. They can't convict him without evidence.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 WTF? That's really low of you, TBV. Sorry, I didn't mean it to be. I just felt like she should have kicked his ass. I had a friend who literally knocked out a guy who was trying to take advantage of her.
northern_sky Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 When did this happen? It might be too late to contact the police. You should have done it immediately so they could collect evidence. They can't convict him without evidence. Is that really the case that it has to be done quickly? I wasn't under that impression.
anne1707 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Sorry, I didn't mean it to be. I just felt like she should have kicked his ass. I had a friend who literally knocked out a guy who was trying to take advantage of her. Easier said than done though. You never really know how you will react in this kind of situation unless it actually happens to you
northern_sky Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Sorry, I didn't mean it to be. I just felt like she should have kicked his ass. I had a friend who literally knocked out a guy who was trying to take advantage of her. OK, but you can't expect a woman who feels afraid and threatened to respond that way. I can easily imagine being in a scenario where I just go along with it at a certain point because I am scared he'll beat the sht out of me.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Sorry for your experience. I think your post will generate a lot of thoughts if it is read, from both sides, so be prepared to answer some tough or honest questions. FIRST OF ALL: Sorry you feel hurt or gross or yuk or whatever you feel, pushed, rushed, etc. I have been in similar situations when I was younger, and there were many reasons for this, none good. SECOND OF ALL: I find that in online dating, there is a bevy of men, most I have met, who expect sex very very soon, and will get it wherever they can as soon as they can. I have of course also met lovely men with more tact and respect, for sure. THIRD OF ALL: When you say, not sexually active, do you mean virgin, or that you are just sexually that active in general? THE REST: I don't feel I have the energy right now (I am sick, real sick) to give you sound advice about the real nuggets of what you post so I will defer to some bright LS'ers who I hope will chime in. There is a whole lot on both sides, a male and female perspective, and a lot of room for differing opinions, so I will hope those people come forward and can give you some good insight, but again, for your protection, you should be prepared to be hit with a lot of things you may not like. I realize a lot of this could easily be tied into your self esteem, or fears or background as to why you did this or let it happen, so to speak. What he did speaks volumes, and makes me want to come hunt his ass down like a wild beast and shoot him with a spear, but you had a role in this, and I don't know the story, background, what is left out, and a lot other things that others will clearly ask. ONE word of caution, not that you are looking for it: Please watch yourself. I personally rarely go to a guys house without knowing him for many dates. I sure don't let guys pick me up on early dates, nor go to their houses, and they all ask and offer like its no big deal. It is a big deal, especially in online dating. I do not want to be in any potentially risky situation with a stranger, ie letting them come to my house or being stuck at theirs, especially without a care. You have to watch out for number one and not put yourself in these situations, be careful. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?? WAIT-another things that struck a chord is you said "I feel degraded and silly". In all due respect, if it felt like rape, then "silly" is not a word that would come to my mind. Part of me is thinking that you feel more ashamed and foolish cause you did it, went with it. I sense some back and forth, that it was part you and part him. If it felt like rape, I am not quite sure the word SILLY would be high on your list, this might be about your judgements and choices, as much as it is abt him being as a** and out of line, regardless...he had choices too, and if you said no, then its no. (hugs) I know you feel shi**y and I can relate to doing things in my past that made me feel awful or bad, and ashamed, or mad, etc. I met a guy from a dating site. We exchanged a few emails and met very quickly. We barely spoke on the phone. I got into his car. Date one was a drink and went ok. Date 2 was a random meeting the next day. He offered to pick me up from where I was and I agreed. He then took me to his place. We talked for a few hours. He then kissed me. After taking me into the bedroom he scared me into having sex with him.
tigressA Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Is that really the case that it has to be done quickly? I wasn't under that impression. It should be done quickly if there's any chance of getting physical evidence, something they can use to get his DNA or at least match traces of spermicide to the brand of condom he used. I don't know what the statute of limitations is on rape in all states, but it's gotta be at least 5 years...it's difficult to convict without physical evidence though.
Author so gutted Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 You guys are too kind, I do not deserve this. I thought you were going to say I should not have got into the car etc. It was the first week of the new year, I had a bad Christmas break, was feeling low and decided to go at online dating again with a vigour. This was the result. I took a risk, I had not spoken to him for more then 5 mins when I first got into his car. It was very obvious he had done this many many times. He had half a packet of used condoms and even the gel. I even saw a stain on the bed (not mine). I did react by screaming please please please stop - its too much but he carried on. He thought I was enjoying it but it was obvious I was not. He did use a condom - can I catch anything at all? I seem to be more bothered by his rudeness 2 days after, the total disregard of what he has done. It is almsot like I am answering his calls to try and rationalize what happened. There is noone at all that I can tell this to. Never.
Author so gutted Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 THE REST: I don't feel I have the energy right now (I am sick, real sick) to give you sound advice about the real nuggets of what you post so I will defer to some bright LS'ers who I hope will chime in. There is a whole lot on both sides, a male and female perspective, and a lot of room for differing opinions, so I will hope those people come forward and can give you some good insight, but again, for your protection, you should be prepared to be hit with a lot of things you may not like. I realize a lot of this could easily be tied into your self esteem, or fears or background as to why you did this or let it happen, so to speak. What he did speaks volumes, and makes me want to come hunt his ass down like a wild beast and shoot him with a spear, but you had a role in this, and I don't know the story, background, what is left out, and a lot other things that others will clearly ask. ONE word of caution, not that you are looking for it: Please watch yourself. I personally rarely go to a guys house without knowing him for many dates. I sure don't let guys pick me up on early dates, nor go to their houses, and they all ask and offer like its no big deal. It is a big deal, especially in online dating. I do not want to be in any potentially risky situation with a stranger, ie letting them come to my house or being stuck at theirs, especially without a care. You have to watch out for number one and not put yourself in these situations, be careful. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?? WAIT-another things that struck a chord is you said "I feel degraded and silly". In all due respect, if it felt like rape, then "silly" is not a word that would come to my mind. Part of me is thinking that you feel more ashamed and foolish cause you did it, went with it. I sense some back and forth, that it was part you and part him. If it felt like rape, I am not quite sure the word SILLY would be high on your list, this might be about your judgements and choices, as much as it is abt him being as a** and out of line, regardless...he had choices too, and if you said no, then its no. (hugs) I know you feel shi**y and I can relate to doing things in my past that made me feel awful or bad, and ashamed, or mad, etc. Thank you. You are right, I feel like I played a part in it by revealing too much information about myself and too much honesty about men etc to him and he used this against me. However, I really honestly did not want the sex. I have only had it a few times and those times were a few years before this. I told him this (to stop him) but it encouraged him and he said I needed training.
carhill Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Here's a past incident. Sorry to read the OP has experienced more of the same. I'd suggest retaining control (neutral public place, using own transport, etc) for a longer period of time, say a month or more, until verifiable trust can be built. No rush. Obviously, people picking has been an issue and the behavior of the men is outside the control of the OP so all she can do is change what she does and how she picks. If it becomes a consistent and pervasive issue, I'd suggest counseling. One can learn different social and behavioral tools to better manage this stuff. I hope you can work it out.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 My apologies if I made some assumptions here. I in no way want to overlook a horrid action made by a man to a woman. When i read the post, I though the OP was trying to figure out what this way, not actually say it was RAPE but more like, what did I get into, and why did I let it happen. IF YOU have been raped, it's a huge issue, pls dont take my post as anything other than trying to help. The OP email struck me as unsure, and ashamed, and silly, as she said, so I guess I looked at it as a struggle to decipher what happened and as she put, she knew her role in it, and said she had a role in it. So it just was not clear to me if this was a case of bad decisions and bad experiences and an agressive man, or RAPE, which is never okay, never. I am not equppied to say more, and am sorry if I rushed to say things I might regret. If you read the post back, there is plenty of gray in there, so i was trying to see that, as it was clearly put out there as gray.....atleast to me. NO WOMAN should ever be forced to have sex with any man, and the lines can get very complicated between the yes's , maybes and no's, even though a clear no is a no, it's not always totally clear to an oversexed As*hole. Never is it ok to force oneself on someone, never. God bless and sorry for your horrible experience, I apologize if I stepped out of line, I was trying to get the picture, and help, perhaps I failed, miserably. My bad...
Author so gutted Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 My apologies if I made some assumptions here. I in no way want to overlook a horrid action made by a man to a woman. When i read the post, I though the OP was trying to figure out what this way, not actually say it was RAPE but more like, what did I get into, and why did I let it happen. IF YOU have been raped, it's a huge issue, pls dont take my post as anything other than trying to help. The OP email struck me as unsure, and ashamed, and silly, as she said, so I guess I looked at it as a struggle to decipher what happened and as she put, she knew her role in it, and said she had a role in it. So it just was not clear to me if this was a case of bad decisions and bad experiences and an agressive man, or RAPE, which is never okay, never. I am not equppied to say more, and am sorry if I rushed to say things I might regret. If you read the post back, there is plenty of gray in there, so i was trying to see that, as it was clearly put out there as gray.....atleast to me. NO WOMAN should ever be forced to have sex with any man, and the lines can get very complicated between the yes's , maybes and no's, even though a clear no is a no, it's not always totally clear to an oversexed As*hole. Never is it ok to force oneself on someone, never. God bless and sorry for your horrible experience, I apologize if I stepped out of line, I was trying to get the picture, and help, perhaps I failed, miserably. My bad... It is ok..your advice was needed. I think this kind of thing is common. He had practised the whole technique to perfection, it was all too easy for him. Why am I more bothered about his response AFTER the event then the danger and act itself?
zengirl Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I met a guy from a dating site. We exchanged a few emails and met very quickly. We barely spoke on the phone. I got into his car. Date one was a drink and went ok. Date 2 was a random meeting the next day. He offered to pick me up from where I was and I agreed. He then took me to his place. We talked for a few hours. He then kissed me. After taking me into the bedroom he scared me into having sex with him. I said no many times but knew that he was going to do it anyway when he got the condom out. He turned from a nice person that could talk for ages into a nasty bully. I told him I was not sexually active, he went ahead anyway. Technically this was rape. I am confused because I allowed this, I could have screamed louder but instead I tried to make it more comfortable and tried to adjust to it. He has now tried to meet me again and has become very rude when I have made excuses. He even has the audacity to try and become the dettached offhand one! Not sure what to do. I realize my faults. I was stupid and got what women who get into cars with strange men deserve. I feel degraded and silly. It is not your fault. You're not silly. You didn't deserve it. You didn't allow it. You said no. Please get some help for yourself as well, as you've been through a trauma. As far as the police go, I'd like it to be as easy as that, but I know it's a grueling process. He should be reported. But if the physical evidence is lacking, it will be rough, and you'd have to be prepared for that. The accusing party so often gets attacked. (Note: I'm not saying to not report him, just that I understand why that's not easy.) Is that really the case that it has to be done quickly? I wasn't under that impression. If your in the United States, the state to state laws are different, but most likey the statue of limitations on reporting rape is most likely a very long time. The statute is plenty long enough for her, but the physical evidence is key in most rape cases. A good majority of them don't see trial, and only about 1/2 that see trial are convicted.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 (hugs) I think the lines get blurry sometimes, but it's not ok to be forced into sex. It has happened to me, so I know where you are coming from. Happened to me more than once over the course of my life, and not once was it an excuse or okay. Not sure if drinking was involved, but the lines can get more blurry IF drinking is involved, as things are said, done and taken out of context....but no is no, in any language, voice, no is no. A guy does not hear no as well, in my opinion, if booze is also part of it, and he is agressive sexually, in a bad way. (still more hugs) Thank you. You are right, I feel like I played a part in it by revealing too much information about myself and too much honesty about men etc to him and he used this against me. However, I really honestly did not want the sex. I have only had it a few times and those times were a few years before this. I told him this (to stop him) but it encouraged him and he said I needed training.
carhill Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Why am I more bothered about his response AFTER the event then the danger and act itself? Great question to discuss with a psychologist. Trauma shock would be my *guess*. The mind blocks out emotional strength of the trauma and subsequent events *seem* to be more vivid and emotional. Emerging from shell-shock. I really suggest professional help.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Okay, thanks. I sensed something was weighing on you outside of the obvious horrible action, abuse. As for why it bothers you how he is acting now? Perhaps you are the only one who can answer that. A lot of these posts are about taking action against this person, and that is great that others are here to give that helpful advice and support you on that. I will stick to this other part then, that I clearly see you struggling with and reaching for..... - if a man forces sex or is too sexually agressive without a women's consent, he likely won't have the sensitivity to then address what he did, nor think it was a bad or the wrong thing. You would perhaps feel more validated or less whatever you do feel (I dont want to label it) if he were to be remorseful, admit it, or apologize. These men don't do that, they are about themselves and control or power, or self satisfaction, not about you. Lord knows what is going through his head. Have you spoken to him or has he just reached out and tried. FYI -I have had the same thing happen to me, on second date/meeting many years ago, and worst of all, it was my bosses client who did it. The man in this case, not only called the place of business where I worked to speak to my boss regularly, he also contacted me as if nothing happened and had the audacity to mail me back a piece of my clothing that he took off. Like i needed to remember that. I NEVER reported it, I thought I deserved it cause I was hot for him, and he was great & friends with my boss, and yada yada, and that I must have led him on, and in spite of that, he raped me. I only told my boss years and years later after he was no longer my boss. This same man was someone I had to run into on business and pretend nothing happened. DIsGUSTING.....so I feel your pain. It is ok..your advice was needed. I think this kind of thing is common. He had practised the whole technique to perfection, it was all too easy for him. Why am I more bothered about his response AFTER the event then the danger and act itself?
alexlakeman Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Here's a past incident. Sorry to read the OP has experienced more of the same. Oh, I see what you have there.... OP, why aren't you reporting this to the police? You'd be helping not only yourself but other women out there as well... If you are embarrassed, I am sure there is a rape division at a police station and you can talk to a FEMALE officer or counselor... The guy raped you, period.. that's based on your posting.
Author so gutted Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Just as I thought it does happen regularly. Is this it? Is this what you do if you cannot find a man (having searched for years) resort to getting treated like this? I have tried the single life and it is isolating. Now I do this.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 No no no, no. This is not what single life is about. Life is about a mix of men, some w/good intentions, hearts, some with bad, hopefully most that will never do this to a woman. Being single, if you want to get into the dating world, can be abt whatever you want to make it. Before you go back out into the dating world, come somewhere like here and ask questions, or lurk, go see a therapist to sort through what happened and to gain some perspective, move forward. Does not have to do with finding a man or not. I had plenty of dates my whole life, a shi*load. When I made some poor dating decisions and out of NO fault of my own, I came about men who did this. I had some risky, careless behavior, and I put myself in risky situations. Less risk less chance for issues. Rape is rape my new friend, rape is rape. It does not matter if you had never had a date in your life, or can get any guy you want, if you say NO it's NO, period. If you are hesitant, sad, depressed, out of the dating circuit for a while, maybe you just need to read up, learn up and get yourself ready for it, after some healing and work. Something tells me this is as much about you as it is anyone. There is a history here, past, story, and until you get okay with you, you will risk feeling badly and isolated. So tell me: What are some things you like to do? -like animals, food, art, music, etc. If you have a hobby or passion, go do more of than, nurture you, and heal you, first, and you will be more ready and able to date. Get to the root of some of your troubles, work on em, and that is the best future you can have FOR you, and then for you and another. Forums are great way to get involved and not feel isolated, you have started to connect already, stay connected, don't loose small connections, and make more baby steps to connect to the world in other ways.....the more you work on you and your self, the better are you will be. THAT way you can better choose partners, and more importantly, not miss some potential red flags in other partners. Hang in there, you can do this... Just as I thought it does happen regularly. Is this it? Is this what you do if you cannot find a man (having searched for years) resort to getting treated like this? I have tried the single life and it is isolating. Now I do this.
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