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Started a new job about a month ago... [UPDATE: Is my co-worker flirting with me?]

MsHopeful0208201689

By MsHopeful0208201689
in Business and Professional Relationships

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MsHopeful0208201689 Established Member

MsHopeful0208201689

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So far I am overall fond of my new co-workers & get along pretty well with everyone...

 

I make sure not to indulge in gossip or too much negative talk so I won't be labeled negatively or acquire a bad reputation...

 

I'm learning when it comes to business and professional relationships, always be friendly but not necessarily friends or best friends.

 

I am in my 20s and just graduated Uni, so haven't had much FULL TIME work experience... Just wanna if you all have any more suggestions, opinions, or advice when it comes to mixing professional relationships with personal?

 

Seems like a few of my co-workers want to be close and tell me some of their personal business in which I don't plan on sharing with anyone else...

porta77 Member

porta77

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I think being civil/friendly but not getting too close with co-workers is very wise. But as time passes you'll find it's not always easy to do. People sometimes resent it and might say you're not a team player.

 

FWIW, I'm a lot older than you and one of my biggest mistakes was getting too comfortable and revealing too much personal information. It almost always comes back to bite you.

 

It's a very slippery slope.

 

One other piece of sage advice: Don't EVER complain about your boss to co-workers. NEVER. Even if they try to get you to say something mildly negative...just don't do it.

Jammer25 Established Member

Jammer25

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It's definitely a delicate balance between being "work friends" and mixing business and personal. You need to be personable enough to make people trust you, but private enough not to get rolled up in workplace drama. Letting people talk about themselves and being quieter has worked for me - people will offer up more information if the focus is on them.

 

How much you can/should reveal or discuss about yourself is always dependent on your specific work environment. I've had great teams that were truly like a "work family" where literally anything could be discussed between our unit, and others not so much.

  • 4 months later...
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MsHopeful0208201689 Established Member

MsHopeful0208201689

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So I just started a new job almost 2 months ago....

 

I am currently in my last couples weeks of training however I have a mentor/trainer I find extremely attractive....He's made several comments toward me (here and there)....Saying good morning while my back was turned towards my desk....Commenting on how he liked the color of my shirt and saying he would wear that color....He also recently did some one on one training with me and asked me how I was feeling (he has did this another time out of the blue), then asked me had I been to any good restaurants lately or seen any good movies...I also told him I was new to the city and he said "If you don't mind my asking, where are you from?"....

 

We then got on the subject about my diet restrictions and he stated that I wouldn't like him because he eats everything...

 

Does it sound like he is being friendly or possibly flirting/showing interest? And should I put signals out there that I am attracted/interested?

5x5 Established Member

5x5

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He might be interested he might not be. If you're interested, you might ask him out to lunch and get to know him a bit more and or ask him out for a date.

 

Just be aware that not all workplace romances work out, and being friendly doesn't always mean they're interested, so you might get turned down as well.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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Don't do it, cuz your attempts to be "friendly" may be perceived as harassment cuz for all you know he's just a polite person and is just making small talk cuz you work together and even "if" you two kick it off, if it goes sour you have to see him every day at the job and/or he may file complaints or gossip about you....

 

Sooo not worth it - workplace romances.

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letmoc Established Member

letmoc

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Those things do not sound like he is flirting at all. Just normal get to know you stuff.

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SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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Workplace r/s are a big mistake. The aftermath is awful.....check the stories on LS. You can just say no right now and not go through with it.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Well, you already know you disagree about food. And he may be getting graded on training and may think you'll be asked for feedback. When people are friendly at work, it often just means they are ambitious and want to be successful and have people like them. I would say that if he wants to go out, he would ask you out unless he felt that was unwise, and rightly so, because you work together and he is your trainer. And you know it's a numbers game, so the chance of that going well or lasting more than a date or two is very low and then you'd be stuck working together.

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MsHopeful0208201689 Established Member

MsHopeful0208201689

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You all are right. It would be awkward if it did turn into something and ended however still having to work with this person...I decided to keep it work friendly, if opportunity presents itself if one of us doesn't work together it would be fine...Otherwise I am not going to entertain the idea...

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5x5 Established Member

5x5

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Don't do it, cuz your attempts to be "friendly" may be perceived as harassment cuz for all you know he's just a polite person and is just making small talk cuz you work together and even "if" you two kick it off, if it goes sour you have to see him every day at the job and/or he may file complaints or gossip about you....

 

Sooo not worth it - workplace romances.

 

Yep so not worth it. ;)

 

I've had close to 21 years worth of lots of sex and dates with my terrific wife of 17+ years. All because she asked me out on a date following being employed at the same newspaper publisher I worked for.

Belle23 Established Member

Belle23

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I have mixed feelings on this. Like others have said, it can be disastrous and extremely awkward if things go sour. In college, I had a fling with a guy that I worked on a group project. He got upset with me about something and things turned ugly - and that was just college. With that said, there are plenty of people who have met their significant other/spouse at work. I meet people at my job all the time who say their spouse works there and that's where they met. Mind you, I work for a large employer, so I don't know their circumstance and whether they work in the same department or not.

 

 

Since there is a chance you will be rejected, I'd say only go for it if you can handle rejection. And if you do get rejected, dont initiate any further contact and stay extremely professional. If not, leave it be.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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No, don't do it. You are still new and still training and probably still in the probationary period. This would be too bold to do. Stay on your job for a while and prove your value to the job before you start these shenanigans.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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The other downside is even when you think you're being careful, other employees will get a whiff of it and you being new especially, may peg you as someone ruthless just wanting to sleep her way to the top or something. It is threatening to other employees, and for good reason, when someone is dating someone up the chain of command from them in any way. And they will turn against you and work against you.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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There is often a lot of politics associated with work situations, so as a newbie you need to sit back and suss out all the relationships and personalities first before jumping in to anything.

Who likes who, who doesn't like who, who is ambitious, who is the gossip, who is the stirrer, who will stab you in the back and who the exes are and who the best friends are.

By pitching at this guy, you could stamp on a lot of important people's toes, or you could look a naive fool or "easy" as he is the local lothario and he charms all the willing trainees.

Tread warily.

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Belle23 Established Member

Belle23

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By pitching at this guy, you could stamp on a lot of important people's toes, or you could look a naive fool or "easy" as he is the local lothario and he charms all the willing trainees.

Tread warily.

 

I can't emphasis this last part enough. I had one of these guys in my last office. His flirting with all the new women employees was almost nauseating. He even went as far as buying one of them jewelry, despite having a fiancée. Some people are so insecure they'll do anything to get their ego stroked.

 

Look at it this way, too. If you give it several months to a year, you find the answer to all the scenarios in Elaine's post, and you still feel a connection with this guy, then go for it. Until them keep your guard up and emotions at bay.

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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I can't emphasis this last part enough. I had one of these guys in my last office. His flirting with all the new women employees was almost nauseating. He even went as far as buying one of them jewelry, despite having a fiancée. Some people are so insecure they'll do anything to get their ego stroked.

 

Look at it this way, too. If you give it several months to a year, you find the answer to all the scenarios in Elaine's post, and you still feel a connection with this guy, then go for it. Until them keep your guard up and emotions at bay.

 

I feel ya...

 

I wish I got a feel for my environment before I made a move on dude - but I thought since we worked for different people - that wouldn't be an issue. I also am a private person, I don't like people in my business so thought that dealing with him directly would be better than asking around about him.

 

I mean, I did take some time to "observe" him before I made a move. But, sorta accelerated it when I was moved from working in his area cuz I felt that my the window to reach out to him would be closed if I didn't act "now". Right now I'm wondering if cuz my schedule and proximity will change (again) that without seeing him, he'll forget about me for sure (outta sight, outta mind) :(

 

But, now that I look back I wish I didn't try to accelerate it and knew more about him. But, if he's anything like me, people probably aren't gonna know much to tell me anyways. Oh well, you live and learn...

 

Oh forget it...Look, IMO, stay far away from workplace RLs - regardless of department, building, employers you both work for. Too much to risk - especially if it goes sour.

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MsHopeful0208201689 Established Member

MsHopeful0208201689

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Thanks for all of the insightful comments....

 

Again, I have chosen to ignore this slight crush and fully commit to focusing on my work...Although, I did make conversation today and asked him about local events and restaurants in the area, since I am new to town...He said he'd be more than happy to fill me in, he seemed very excited about me bringing it up...so we'll see, maybe we will end up being good friends...however I am a private person and don't plan to get too close any of my co-workers but he seems as if he'd be cool...so we shall see

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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Thanks for all of the insightful comments....

 

Again, I have chosen to ignore this slight crush and fully commit to focusing on my work...Although, I did make conversation today and asked him about local events and restaurants in the area, since I am new to town...He said he'd be more than happy to fill me in, he seemed very excited about me bringing it up...so we'll see, maybe we will end up being good friends...however I am a private person and don't plan to get too close any of my co-workers but he seems as if he'd be cool...so we shall see

 

Oh you think he's "cool" with you? And, I thought dude was too. All that time he was smiling in my face - yet now is telling everyone about him being terrified of me from day one.

 

Don't trust him. Again, no dude is worth your job and reputation.

 

I guess you "say" you wanna keep it friendly, but are you sure you're still not hoping for more? If deep down you are, IMO, walk away now. Trust me on this one.

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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First, read your employee handbook on fraternization. It will let you know about policies around dating in the workplace.

 

Also, harassment is defined by the EEOC as:

 

exual Harassment

It is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person’s sex. Harassment can include “sexual harassment” or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.

 

Harassment does not have to be of a sexual nature, however, and can include offensive remarks about a person’s sex. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general.

 

Both victim and the harasser can be either a woman or a man, and the victim and harasser can be the same sex.

 

Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

 

The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer.

 

In regards to whether or not to pursue something outside of the above, it really comes down to weighing the pros and cons. You are new, so there is some timing of getting to know everyone. I would suggest taking a conservative approach and if he is interested you will be able to suss that out in time. From what you have described it can be simply friendliness or more than that, not sure. I would just stay focused on your work, maybe even pursue/give an opening for a friendship and then go from there. The best relationships really do start off/have a foundation of friendship so that isn't a bad approach.

 

Also consider, that if you do date and break up, how do you feel about your day to day involvement with him, handling being around someone that you potentially could end things badly with, etc.

 

This is a grey area, some people can find successful/happy relationships at work, others don't. You know yourself the best and how you can maturely handle this and have to gamble on how the other person can as well.

 

Take your time and I think things will become clearer for you either way.

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LoveFiend Established Member

LoveFiend

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Being only in job 2 months short of the 90 day probation period, I would say attempting to express interest or date co-workers would look really bad and if the boss ever found out I am sure it is not something he would be happy about.

 

He does sound like he is interested, but flirting and dating with co-workers especially being new to job is really risky and it can give a bad impression. There is also the risk of rumors flying around, in all jobs I have been in that always happens when co-workers date; the rumors and talk going on behind their back never seems to end.

Edited by LoveFiend
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MsHopeful0208201689 Established Member

MsHopeful0208201689

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Thanks for all of your responses...

 

He recently told me how my hair always looked good and how my clothes looked nice.... As much as I want to avoid it, I would definitely be accepting of his offer if he ever went further and offered me his number or asked me out (just being honest)...But I will not be the first to make a move.....Going to continue to keep it casual and friendly... He also lights up when I ask him about things unrelated to work.

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MsHopeful0208201689 Established Member

MsHopeful0208201689

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Me & my supervisor seem to really click....Of course I haven't unleashed any super personal info (in which I don't have much to hide any way...but we both had about an hour long convo, some pertaining to work but a lot pertaining to some of her personal life, some of my personal life, some general things about life, and her warning me about being careful with getting close with anyone in that department (she says it's like a high school and to just use discernment, in which I already planned to do....)... She told me she doesn't build temporary relationships/friendships & if I ever needed her she would be there...

 

What is etiquette when having more than a professional relationship with the supervisor?

 

Not that it really matters to me, but would my colleagues would possibly despise or admire me for being "cool" with the boss? BTW, after this week not sure she will be my direct boss...

caveman621 Established Member

caveman621

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In my experience, it might be OK for you. But, really, not for them. Managers should really not be friends with subordinates. Friendly? Sure. But not personal friends. You never know when you might have to fire someone.

Mizz Layta Established Member

Mizz Layta

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No,I'd stay clear unless you don't care about your job.Having to see a colleage who rejected,lied,cheated ain't fun.I mean how AWKWARD would it be to be running into some guy you dated or turned you down AT WORK?

 

Also are you sure he's single?A good many otherwise attached men will chat up women soley for attention and it means absolutely nothing.I wouldn't risk it if I were you.Just be polite , friendly and keep it professional

Edited by Mizz Layta
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