After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[TexasGuy12]

TexasGuy12, I was in a somewhat-similar situation. Relationship was just under 2 years, and my ex always put me on a pedestal, although I feel like it went both ways. She was the only woman I had been with where I ever really felt that deep connection, and she treated me like I was the greatest man on Earth. Now, she had strong borderline personality disorder symptoms, meaning for as often as she'd treat me wonderfully, she'd also treat me like I was the cause of all her problems. So the relationship was turbulent, to say the least.

 

I wasn't perfect, but I loved her and always tried my best to show just how much. She ended up detaching from the relationship towards the end, manipulated me, and dumped me after a big argument. Like you, I tried hard to win her back, with no success. It's crazy when someone who treated you like a king suddenly doesn't seem to care about you at all, isn't it?

 

Anyways, I eventually went NC. Look man, for your own sake, you have to abandon these thoughts of "well, if she does this and says this, maybe I'll hear her out." You're just hanging on to false hope. You're creating elaborate scenarios in your head of what she would have to do for things to work, but it's still just false hope. You can't move on completely if you're thinking of ways it could work out between you and her.

 

My ex actually ended up texting and later calling me from her new number. The text was just some BS "hope you're doing well" message, when she called she left a long voicemail saying how she missed me and my family, blah blah blah. I didn't respond to either. Loyalty is big for me. I look at it like this - I always stuck by this girl through all of her issues, because I loved her. She didn't do the same. How could I ever trust her again? Ask yourself the same question about your ex. How could you trust her not to leave again? More importantly, how could you trust someone who hid something from you for months, and wouldn't even tell you who was talking trash about you? The fact that she wouldn't tell you who that guy was speaks volumes, in my book. As your partner, she should be putting you first, not some guy she knows.

 

Well, this got a bit long, but I hope some of it helps. Keep moving forward, it gets a lot better, trust me!

 

Thanks so much for your response. Eerily similar. Are you sure we weren't dating the same girl

 

I totally hear you about the loyalty part of it. I feel the same way. Easier said than done though, that's for sure.

[TexasGuy12]

TexasGuy12, I was in a somewhat-similar situation. Relationship was just under 2 years, and my ex always put me on a pedestal, although I feel like it went both ways. She was the only woman I had been with where I ever really felt that deep connection, and she treated me like I was the greatest man on Earth. Now, she had strong borderline personality disorder symptoms, meaning for as often as she'd treat me wonderfully, she'd also treat me like I was the cause of all her problems. So the relationship was turbulent, to say the least.

 

I wasn't perfect, but I loved her and always tried my best to show just how much. She ended up detaching from the relationship towards the end, manipulated me, and dumped me after a big argument. Like you, I tried hard to win her back, with no success. It's crazy when someone who treated you like a king suddenly doesn't seem to care about you at all, isn't it?

 

Anyways, I eventually went NC. Look man, for your own sake, you have to abandon these thoughts of "well, if she does this and says this, maybe I'll hear her out." You're just hanging on to false hope. You're creating elaborate scenarios in your head of what she would have to do for things to work, but it's still just false hope. You can't move on completely if you're thinking of ways it could work out between you and her.

 

My ex actually ended up texting and later calling me from her new number. The text was just some BS "hope you're doing well" message, when she called she left a long voicemail saying how she missed me and my family, blah blah blah. I didn't respond to either. Loyalty is big for me. I look at it like this - I always stuck by this girl through all of her issues, because I loved her. She didn't do the same. How could I ever trust her again? Ask yourself the same question about your ex. How could you trust her not to leave again? More importantly, how could you trust someone who hid something from you for months, and wouldn't even tell you who was talking trash about you? The fact that she wouldn't tell you who that guy was speaks volumes, in my book. As your partner, she should be putting you first, not some guy she knows.

 

Well, this got a bit long, but I hope some of it helps. Keep moving forward, it gets a lot better, trust me!

 

Thanks so much for your response. Eerily similar. Are you sure we weren't dating the same girl

 

I totally hear you about the loyalty part of it. I feel the same way. Easier said than done though, that's for sure.

 

How long did it take your ex to contact you?

[Sunkissedpatio]

I couldn't agree more with your opinion. I recently experienced a similar situatuon where she basically made something out of nothing in order to get me upset so that she could pull the plug on the relationship . A few weeks later she's dating someone else.

Text book.

 

Mine too Slider! He was doing all kinds of sht to gaslight me and I literally felt like I was going insane. Meanwhile he was cool and collected going "look at you overreacting you are going crazy" ya no kidding MOFO you are driving me to insanity with your bait and switching!! Turns out he was with some work trolup and he left me for her.

 

Cowards!!

[TexasGuy12]

TexasGuy12, I was in a somewhat-similar situation. Relationship was just under 2 years, and my ex always put me on a pedestal, although I feel like it went both ways. She was the only woman I had been with where I ever really felt that deep connection, and she treated me like I was the greatest man on Earth. Now, she had strong borderline personality disorder symptoms, meaning for as often as she'd treat me wonderfully, she'd also treat me like I was the cause of all her problems. So the relationship was turbulent, to say the least.

 

I wasn't perfect, but I loved her and always tried my best to show just how much. She ended up detaching from the relationship towards the end, manipulated me, and dumped me after a big argument. Like you, I tried hard to win her back, with no success. It's crazy when someone who treated you like a king suddenly doesn't seem to care about you at all, isn't it?

 

Anyways, I eventually went NC. Look man, for your own sake, you have to abandon these thoughts of "well, if she does this and says this, maybe I'll hear her out." You're just hanging on to false hope. You're creating elaborate scenarios in your head of what she would have to do for things to work, but it's still just false hope. You can't move on completely if you're thinking of ways it could work out between you and her.

 

My ex actually ended up texting and later calling me from her new number. The text was just some BS "hope you're doing well" message, when she called she left a long voicemail saying how she missed me and my family, blah blah blah. I didn't respond to either. Loyalty is big for me. I look at it like this - I always stuck by this girl through all of her issues, because I loved her. She didn't do the same. How could I ever trust her again? Ask yourself the same question about your ex. How could you trust her not to leave again? More importantly, how could you trust someone who hid something from you for months, and wouldn't even tell you who was talking trash about you? The fact that she wouldn't tell you who that guy was speaks volumes, in my book. As your partner, she should be putting you first, not some guy she knows.

 

Well, this got a bit long, but I hope some of it helps. Keep moving forward, it gets a lot better, trust me!

 

Hey LD - also, did you ever determine why the sudden change for your ex? I'm an over-analyzer and her dramatic change of heart drives me crazy in the sense that I'd really like to understand it. Did you ever find out the reason? Did she ever say anything about it? Ever get closure?

 

It's just the fact that she went from treating me like a king to an outcast in the matter of a week, I think that makes this whole thing 100% harder for me than it would be, and it would be extremely hard anyway.

[hestheone66]

You mentioned it was the 19 or 20th fight in as many months. I think that is very important especially if it was similar issues recurring. I used to shutdown emotionally if there were repeated disagreements.. to me recurring fights show incompatibly, and the desire to remain in relationship despite its problems. This is not healthy. Reflect on this as you may be able to de-romanticise the connection..

Stay NC

[LD1990]

Hey TexasGuy. I last saw my ex in the middle of March when she got her remaining things from my apartment (we lived together). I went NC, she texted me towards the end of April, and called me in the middle of May.

 

As far as why the sudden change...well, the fights took their toll, for one. I think our arguments and the way we would sometimes treat each other just built this subconscious resentment. She's also young (22, I'm 26), and had started going to university a few weeks before we split. I think meeting a bunch of new people played a part. She ended up getting with some short ugly little guy from one of her classes right away, so I'd say that factored in as well.

 

Try not to drive yourself crazy trying to understand this. There's no way to know everything that was going on in her head, and she sure as hell isn't going to tell you. My ex gave me a bunch of explanations, at least 90 percent of which were outright lies.

 

Closure came when I realized that the why didn't matter. Regardless of what her reason was for leaving, it didn't change anything. We're broken up. Maybe she cheated on me, maybe she didn't - doesn't change anything now. Maybe she left because of her new friends, maybe it was one fight too many - doesn't impact my life now.

[elaine567]

You mentioned it was the 19 or 20th fight in as many months. I think that is very important especially if it was similar issues recurring. I used to shutdown emotionally if there were repeated disagreements.. to me recurring fights show incompatibly, and the desire to remain in relationship despite its problems. This is not healthy. Reflect on this as you may be able to de-romanticise the connection..

Stay NC

 

Agreed fight 20 was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

 

It seems to me that many men after a fight, after the talk, wipe the slate completely clean, then move onto the next fight, the next talk, then wipe the slate clean again and so it goes on.

Many women IME, have the fight, have the talk, but the slate is not clean afterwards, there are always lingering chalk marks, the next fight adds to the chalk marks and by fight 20 the slate is pretty dirty and full of chalk marks so it doesn't take a lot or a big fight for her to say enough is enough - we are done.

 

Here, in this relationship,

she was always the peacemaker, always the attention giver, always the besotted one, always the one that loved you more, until it all got too much for her and she wanted out.

 

Watch this.

-

Curing Post Breakup Over Analysis Syndrome

[AT15]

She detached. You're still attached. It's time for you to detach.

[TexasGuy12]

Agreed fight 20 was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

 

It seems to me that many men after a fight, after the talk, wipe the slate completely clean, then move onto the next fight, the next talk, then wipe the slate clean again and so it goes on.

Many women IME, have the fight, have the talk, but the slate is not clean afterwards, there are always lingering chalk marks, the next fight adds to the chalk marks and by fight 20 the slate is pretty dirty and full of chalk marks so it doesn't take a lot or a big fight for her to say enough is enough - we are done.

 

Here, in this relationship,

she was always the peacemaker, always the attention giver, always the besotted one, always the one that loved you more, until it all got too much for her and she wanted out.

 

Watch this.

-

Curing Post Breakup Over Analysis Syndrome

 

Thanks to you and hestheone for your posts. You are really helping to give me a fresh perspective. It is so so so appreciated!

 

It's funny, she actually used the word incompatible towards the end of our relationship, so I think you two are on to something.

 

Here's my question though. And please don't take this as me being a guy who thinks I do no wrong. I'm a pretty smart, logical dude, and as in LD's situation, my ex was a pretty emotional girl with some mental issues at times. I consistently stood by her because I loved the person she was underneath of it all, but those issues did cause problems and lead to many of the fights that you referenced.

 

Do you think your explanation applies even if, in reality, the fight was her fault, aka, most normal, objective people would say that she was over-reacting or acting in a way that would cause me to rightfully be upset? Is it possible for a girl to never understand this and hold these fights against me as though they're my fault? And is this something that down the line after the relationship, it might hit her when her head is clear, and she'll be like oh s***, I really caused all of that fighting and he was right to react the way he did?

[TexasGuy12]

Hey TexasGuy. I last saw my ex in the middle of March when she got her remaining things from my apartment (we lived together). I went NC, she texted me towards the end of April, and called me in the middle of May.

 

As far as why the sudden change...well, the fights took their toll, for one. I think our arguments and the way we would sometimes treat each other just built this subconscious resentment. She's also young (22, I'm 26), and had started going to university a few weeks before we split. I think meeting a bunch of new people played a part. She ended up getting with some short ugly little guy from one of her classes right away, so I'd say that factored in as well.

 

Try not to drive yourself crazy trying to understand this. There's no way to know everything that was going on in her head, and she sure as hell isn't going to tell you. My ex gave me a bunch of explanations, at least 90 percent of which were outright lies.

 

Closure came when I realized that the why didn't matter. Regardless of what her reason was for leaving, it didn't change anything. We're broken up. Maybe she cheated on me, maybe she didn't - doesn't change anything now. Maybe she left because of her new friends, maybe it was one fight too many - doesn't impact my life now.

 

Does a part of you still want her back? If she came knocking on your door telling you that she understands everything, made a mistake, wants you back, wants to try again...would that phase you? Would you laugh and say no? Cry and say yes? Just trying to understand where you are in your healing process 4-5 months later.

[elaine567]

Do you think your explanation applies even if, in reality, the fight was her fault, aka, most normal, objective people would say that she was over-reacting or acting in a way that would cause me to rightfully be upset? Is it possible for a girl to never understand this and hold these fights against me as though they're my fault? And is this something that down the line after the relationship, it might hit her when her head is clear, and she'll be like oh s***, I really caused all of that fighting and he was right to react the way he did?

 

Fights often have many different causes, some of them with nothing to do with what is being fought about, so you can obsess over the rights and wrongs of the fight and assign "blame", but if the fight was really about something maybe more fundamental in your relationship than you picked up on, then of course she isn't going to start blaming herself.

Dumpers do not tend to have many regrets over their actions in dumping the dumpee.

Dumpees often want the dumper to be all remorseful and to spend time feeling so sorry for what they did. They want the dumper to feel guilty and to feel as hurt as the dumpee feels.

In reality by the time the dumping occurs the dumper is either so pissed off they don't care a damn about anything, or they have rationalised their feelings so they feel justified in their decision, or they may just be mightily relieved it is all over and they can get on with their lives.

 

The dumper tends to move on pretty swiftly and rarely looks back, the dumpee blindsided by the dumping, obsesses over every little detail.

Edited August 9, 2016 by elaine567

[BluesPower]

I am not really sure why no one has said this yet, but here you go. And look I am not trying to make you hurt more than you already do.

 

You know that she was cheating on you toward the end, right. I is almost 100%. I might be the guy that told her crap about you, or it could be someone else.

 

And yes, she was looking for an exit argument once she found someone new. I know that you have already had these thoughts, but you just don't want to believe it. Well, BELIEVE IT.

 

Don't spend time wondering, chances are you will never know. Just wright this off to experience and move on.

 

For your sake, you need to go COMPLETE NC with her in every way. Block phone and text, block on face book and don't look at her page. Block her from everything.

 

All of that will help you heal faster, and it will help you move on. She treated you like crap, for really no good reason. She is just a selfish *****.

 

You hang in there, you will get through this.

[Redhead14]

Thanks to you and hestheone for your posts. You are really helping to give me a fresh perspective. It is so so so appreciated!

 

It's funny, she actually used the word incompatible towards the end of our relationship, so I think you two are on to something.

 

Here's my question though. And please don't take this as me being a guy who thinks I do no wrong. I'm a pretty smart, logical dude, and as in LD's situation, my ex was a pretty emotional girl with some mental issues at times. I consistently stood by her because I loved the person she was underneath of it all, but those issues did cause problems and lead to many of the fights that you referenced.

 

Do you think your explanation applies even if, in reality, the fight was her fault, aka, most normal, objective people would say that she was over-reacting or acting in a way that would cause me to rightfully be upset? Is it possible for a girl to never understand this and hold these fights against me as though they're my fault? And is this something that down the line after the relationship, it might hit her when her head is clear, and she'll be like oh s***, I really caused all of that fighting and he was right to react the way he did?

 

the fight was her fault, -- Oftentimes, when a person has checked out of the relationship emotionally and is wanting to move on, they will consciously or unconsciously create and situation to leap frog their desire to get out.

 

I loved the person she was underneath of it all, -- No you didn't, you loved the person she presented while pushing down all the other stuff until she couldn't keep doing that anymore.

 

my ex was a pretty emotional girl with some mental issues at times -- This is who she is and until she addresses these things, she's gonna be difficult to live with for anyone.

[Blanco]

When someone is not happy in a relationship, they will look for anything to go to war over. In the final months of my last relationship, I often had the thought, "Are we really arguing over this." The answer was, "Of course not." The conflicts were just symptoms of the mutual unhappiness that had eroded the relationship.

[LD1990]

Does a part of you still want her back? If she came knocking on your door telling you that she understands everything, made a mistake, wants you back, wants to try again...would that phase you? Would you laugh and say no? Cry and say yes? Just trying to understand where you are in your healing process 4-5 months later.

 

Well, I've gotten more logical about things the longer it has been since the breakup. I don't want her back, as I know it wouldn't work and no amount of "I'm sorry's" could make up for how she treated me.

 

I occasionally remember the good times we had, but then I also remember that for all the good times, there were plenty of bad ones, too. Nostalgia has a way of making it seem like everything was some great fairy tale.

 

I don't know how I'd react if I ever saw her again, but my game plan would be to stay as cold and detached as possible. She lied to me and screwed with my head quite a bit, so I never want to give her the satisfaction of controlling my emotions again. It's difficult, but if being strong was easy, everyone would do it.

[hestheone66]

I'm glad that a new perspective can help you move on.

 

I also agree that when/if her mind clears and she chooses to reflect she may agree that she overreacted.

 

However mental instability also means that she may never be able to be objectively reflective. It still comes down to incompatibly.

 

Now you are faced with the task of accepting some of the 'blame', however the blame game is not the way to resolve this. Just understand red flags you will watch out for in future and thank her (in your mind) for the good times and for helping you to learn and grow continue strong with NC.

Thanks to you and hestheone for your posts. You are really helping to give me a fresh perspective. It is so so so appreciated!

 

It's funny, she actually used the word incompatible towards the end of our relationship, so I think you two are on to something.

 

Here's my question though. And please don't take this as me being a guy who thinks I do no wrong. I'm a pretty smart, logical dude, and as in LD's situation, my ex was a pretty emotional girl with some mental issues at times. I consistently stood by her because I loved the person she was underneath of it all, but those issues did cause problems and lead to many of the fights that you referenced.

 

Do you think your explanation applies even if, in reality, the fight was her fault, aka, most normal, objective people would say that she was over-reacting or acting in a way that would cause me to rightfully be upset? Is it possible for a girl to never understand this and hold these fights against me as though they're my fault? And is this something that down the line after the relationship, it might hit her when her head is clear, and she'll be like oh s***, I really caused all of that fighting and he was right to react the way he did?

[TexasGuy12]

In logical moments, all of your advice helps tremendously and it really is great to have an objective, experienced point of view because a lot of this advice seems very much in line with my relationship, which reinforces just how experienced you guys and girls are in dealing with people going through what I'm going through.

 

In illogical moments, boy oh boy, this is the hardest and worst freaking feeling in the universe. I'm almost at 20 days of no contact and today has been my hardest day so far. I go through periods where I convince myself in my mind that she would contact me but she's scared of my reaction, so I think that if I just text her and level with her and be like hey, this isn't right, let's grab a drink and figure this out, that she would respond favorably and everything would be okay.

 

I had a text typed up to send to her this morning but didn't hit send.

 

I know I can't do that, because when she treats me like I'm insignificant, it will start the healing all over again. But if I'm 20 days into not communicating with her and I feel worse than I did on day one, what different would breaking NC really make?

 

It's just the worst feeling in the entire universe. So bad that I never want to let myself get close to someone again.

 

How did someone who told me that she was in love with me the last time I saw her, who told me that she believed I was put on this earth to meet her, that I was "her person,"...how could she be walking through life, screwing some other dude not giving me a second thought? It's just a cruelty that I know I could never put forth towards someone.

[TexasGuy12]

I really am convinced that my mind is playing tricks on me. When we were together, after some bad moments that were caused by her mental instability, I'd see younger girls (my ex was a couple years older than me) and I'd think to myself man, I wish I could flirt with them tonight. That was when my ex was all into me and infatuated with me.

 

Now, that the shoe is on the other foot, I see the hottest girl and I'm like ugh, even if I hooked up with her, she wouldn't be anything like my ex. Literally the only girl I want is her.

 

The mind is very powerful and it is causing me so many awful emotions. But I am thoroughly convinced that true heartbreak with someone who really meant the world to you is the worst possible feeling out there.

[TexasGuy12]

Plus I am an over-analyzer in general, and I am doing that so much. I'm thinking about things that happened 6 months ago that "If I would have paid more attention to her this night, maybe things would have turned out differently." Beating myself up constantly.

[Blanco]

My biggest takeaway from the video linked above was the idea that we can't keep projecting our values and morals onto our partners. All too often, in relationships and after, we expect others to conduct themselves and respond to situations the same way we would. It's natural, but unhealthy and unrealistic to think just because someone is close to us, they'll handle or see situations exactly how we do.

[hestheone66]

I know how awful and desperate it is when you feel like you've been discarded..but it is also good that you recognise the difference with feelings and logic. And atm, feelings suck.

 

Probably the history of fights and making up again is contributing to the expectation in your mind that you'll try and get back together.

 

Do these things to try stop over analysing.

1. Continue to plan your trip elsewhere

2. Set a goal eg, lose/gain weight, certain benchmark at gym or deciding to run marathon, sign up for TV show.. something out of ordinary to give you focus other than her or your feelings about her.

3. Have a deep massage

 

If you continue to be stuck, seeing counsellor can also be very useful.

 

And do NOT send the text, if you think 20 days NC is bad believe me it can be worse and more damaging.

 

Also the Netflix show stranger things is a great distraction, just saying!?

[TexasGuy12]

I'm just wondering if this intense knot I have inside is normal 3 weeks out, or if I'm going a bit beyond the emotions of a normal breakup? I'm literally just thinking about this non-stop. I'm completely depressed. I went to a concert last night and don't think I "heard" one song. When I go to the gym or I'm into something I can get my mind off of it, but my mind always wanders back. Just considering if I need to go see someone or if this is part of the normal mourning process.

 

I just can't get over the fact that after 18 months of seeing/talking to each other non stop, that she has completely moved on and doesn't give me a second thought. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's pretty normal.

[Blanco]

Yup, assuming you stay away from her, this will likely be the worst of it. I remember the first couple of weeks after my last split felt like I was totally on autopilot. I wasn't bedridden or anything, but I didn't feel mentally present at all in anything I did.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm just wondering if this intense knot I have inside is normal 3 weeks out, or if I'm going a bit beyond the emotions of a normal breakup? I'm literally just thinking about this non-stop. I'm completely depressed. I went to a concert last night and don't think I "heard" one song. .

 

Yup, it's pretty normal. You are in the what I call "zombie" stage of grieving. You are moving through inertia but your brain is still stuck on the "you" (meaning her and you) and what you actually do day-to-day is incidental because you are travelling through time with little concept of reality outside your head.

 

Then in a few weeks you will start to feel better, more clear headed, able to cope, not stuck thinking about her 24/7 and it will be such a welcome relief. Then you will feel angry. Then a few weeks later you will hit a wall again and start the process all over again...but not as intensely.

 

Everyone feels things at different times, but if you can be clear on the expectation then it's much easier on the mind and heart to ride it out. Don't resist it just accept it. Nothing lasts forever, certainly not what you are feeling right now.

 

Hit a wall last week, feeling WAY better than the entire time since the breakup. So there is hope.